purpleraider is offline purpleraider Post #1  May 20,2009, 5:25pm
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I need your help. I've talked with friends and other people but I think I need some new perspectives. I know that I typed a lot here but please read all of it. This has been driving me crazy which I am sure is what this girl wants lol so here it goes:
So I met this girl at college this past semester. It was kind of cool how we met. We would see each other every once in awhile on campus and stuff the first semester. Then we started seeing each other a lot more. We began to say hi to each other a lot and smile. We added each other on facebook. We began to talk every once in awhile. I started hearing all this great stuff about her from friends. As I got to know her more she was beginning to turn out to be the type of girl I would want to date. I'm the type of guy who really likes a girl for who they are and I want a real relationship and not just some fling. This girl is the most beautiful girl i have ever seen. she is smart, nice, and pretty shy. I am kind of shy myself. We both work pretty hard in school and stuff too. Anyways, we began to talk more. I began to notice she would go out of her way to get my attention to talk to her.
So finally one day towards the beginning of the 2nd semester, I decided that this was definitely someone I would like to pursue so one day at the dessert counter at lunch, I asked her for her number and asked if we could go to lunch sometime. She said yeah sure and happily gave me her number. The next day though, I saw her in the library and went up to talk to her and she just seemed shy and stuff. Later that week, she was in the same computer lab as me so I went ahead and asked her if she would still like to get lunch. I figured that I might as well ask in person then wait until the night to call. She said yes. So i picked a day and time and she said she has class then. I said well maybe some other time and she said yes. Suddenly, it began to seem like she was avoiding me. I'll admit I probably came on a little strong so I backed off. No less than a week later, she began popping up everywhere again and trying to grab me attention.
She is definitely pretty shy. It seems like she will go somewhere to get my attention and hope I go up and talk to her. When I do, she smiles and flips her hair and turns red sometimes. We began talking a lot again. Then all of a sudden, she began to ignore me. Not really smile when she past by me and stuff and not really give me a chance to talk to her. So I took this as she was playing hard to get. So I began to do the same thing to her...not sure if this was smart or not. I noticed she began to seem irritated. She started ignoring more, but at the sametime making it pretty obvious what she was doing. Then suddenly like a week and a half later, she is back smiling again and saying hi. We play a lot of games with each other whether that be glancing at each other or what not.
There was this Dean's List dinner thing at the president's house the one night. i was really hoping she would show up and she did. She looked so pretty. We said hi to each other, but I just could not get myself to go up and talk to her, I was just afraid that I was going to make a bad impression. Ended up that everything back fired anyway because she was with a group of my friends and when I walked over there she just seemed annoyed so it was pretty awkward. I saw her at the library that night and she seemed mad. The next day i thought i should probably go talk to her. she wasn't in her room, but i told her friends that I wanted to talk to her. She called me that night. This was probably really stupid, but I appologized for making things awkward that night and told her the truth that i guess i was just speechless because you looked really good and are so beautiful. Then I asked her an honest question: I really want to still hang out with you but if you really have no interest
in me, I would rather you tell me now and I promise I won't bother you again. She said that i am a really nice guy but she doesn't want a boyfriend right now. And I know that her statement there is probably the nice way of saying that she is not interested. And I did stop. But a week later she began giving me all these signs again and trying to constantly grab my attention. I also found out she had been in a bad relationship before college had just begun. she would get all flustered and stuff when i talked to other girls. We began to talk a lot again. So i thought i would give it another shot but more casual. I called her to see if she wanted to get something to eat at the cafeteria for late night snack after being in the library. She was in the library typing a paper so she was too busy, but we talkd a little bit and she laughed and stuff. Week later, I try again for the same thing, she acted excited that I called again, and sadly she was working on more schoolwork. I must

have sounded a little bummed because she said she honestly was really busy and she agreed to go another time. We went another two weeks or so of talking and playing the same games again and trying to grab each others attention. Whenever I don't give her any attention she freaks out. We ran into each other at a party the one night. It had been during one of those weeks where we were ignoring each other, but it was almost like all of that was put on a standstill at the party, i kind of pretended i hadn't seen her..not even 30 sec later she moved to a spot where i could easily see her..when i saw her she was staring at me and then glanced away and kept looking over...So i went over and we talked..she doesn't like to dance but i tried to get her to anyway. first time, she didn't want to but then my friend Heather assisted by dancing with her and pulling me over to her...we danced for what seemed like 30 sec and she smiled and turned red and was like no i can't and slowly took my

hands off her hips. The rest of the night she kept disappearing and popping up. She would walk past and brush by my back to get my attention but keep walking. Later, when I was leaving, we walked past each other i waited a little bit then turned back to look at her and saw she had also turned and was looking at me.
The last two weeks of the semester went very well. We talked a lot and all the games stopped and i just felt this really strong feeling between us. It was the most i had liked her and the most confident I was that she liked me. I realized though that with the dwindling time that it would probably be pretty hard to rush into any relationship if i made a move since the semester was ending shortly. I guess it would have be postponed until the fall. Plus i figured if i told her how i felt about her on like the last day before break it would probably freak her out. So on the last day, i caught her before she left and i told her that I hope she has a great summer and she smiled and hoped I did too. After a week on break though, I just could not put this to rest. What if she would want to spend some time together over the summer? She would not be really busy or anything. So I bought tickets to this concert that I've been really wanting to go to (she likes the same kind of music) so
I called her..first call it just rang and rang and went to voicemail. The second time, it did the same thing so I left a voicemail and told her about the concert and said that i'll be honest I really want you to go because i think the concert will be awesome. She has not called me back yet and it has been a couple days. The concert isn't for like two months so i guess there is still a lot of time.
My friend who is a girl has given me her opinion on all of this. I told her I wanted the honest truth and she honestly thinks this girl really likes me but is playing really hard to get and is pretty shy. I guess she did come out of a bad relationship before entering our freshman of college. I wake up everyday thinking differently about whether she likes me or not. This is probably exactly what she wants me pondering about lol. So I need your help. Is she telling me that she has no interest, is too shy right now for a relationship, is using me just as her toy, can't decide whether or not she likes me as just a friend or more, she is just playing really hard to get, or just plain doesn't want a boyfriend right now???! And should I try calling again soon about the concert. Not sure what to do next. Thank you.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  May 20,2009, 8:17pm
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Well, let's see.... you have a few options:

1. Wait it out (e.g., until Fall term). Make some additional overtures and see if she comes through. Be ready if she does.

2. Continue to live your life assuming that she is not going to come around. Date other girls. If she expresses more interest in dating you, and you are available at the time, then follow up.

3. Move on ("She's just not that into you...").

Right now, it doesn't sound like she's ready for a relationship for whatever reasons (either the timing is wrong or you aren't "the guy"). Lots of young women (and men) are shy. But, that shouldn't otherwise stop her from responding to the friendly kinds of overtures that you've made. I'm not sure there are answers to the questions in your last paragraph; she may be just as confused about her feelings as you are!

One thing I do suggest, though, is that you put an end to the game playing at your end; it's not workin' for ya anyway...
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #3  May 20,2009, 10:21pm
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Games are for kids. I do not know what year you are in at college but if you want to get anywhere with a girl then stop with the games. She may play games but you do not have to go along with them.

As for this girl even though she was in a relationship before does not mean that she has had a lot of dating experience. Most guys love the idea of dating a beautiful girl/woman but when it comes time to ask them out most decide that she would not go out with me so they never ask her out. Consequently these girls end up spending all their time on their studies, maybe going out occasional but never with a date. This could be what has happened with the girl you are interested in. I would call her about 3-4 weeks before the concert to see if she wants to go out. Let her know on the message it will be a concert. If she does not return your call in a 1-2 days then it is time to move on. Good luck
 
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purpleraider is offline purpleraider Post #4  May 21,2009, 3:30am
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Thank you very much. You are both absolutely right the games need to stop and we both need to be honest with each other. And i'm ready. I'm pretty sure she is well aware how I feel about her. Like both of you said, you don't know if she is ready. The one single reason I kind of started playing hard to get also was because I thought she would see me desperate or whatever if I didn't,, and it did work. Plus I thought that if she had any interest in me, it would cause her to take notice and it did. But you are absolutely right it has to stop. freshman by the way.
 
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purpleraider is offline purpleraider Post #5  May 21,2009, 3:31am
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oh and you're right about her dating, she has only been in one relationship so she does not have alot of experience.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  May 21,2009, 4:37am
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Hmmm.....reading your post....you are not moving too fast, you are moving slower than a turtle in a coma. Women like men to be assertive - not aggressive, not pushy, not stalkerish, not needy, not desperate, but assertive.

From all that you desribe, if I were her I would not have the slightest clue whether you are just being a friend, whether you really like me and are you actually asking me on a date or not? Yeah, she is giving you all these green lights to go ahead and ask her out, but you are not doing it, so she gets annoyed with you and cools off. A pretty normal reaction from her. I would get annoyed with you too if I were her.

Man up and ask her out directly. No games, no hinting at things, no let's hang out, no pretend to be just friends. Ask her on a date and make your intentions clear - just do it. If she does not respond or shoots you down, then most definitely move on with your life. At least you know for sure where she stands and you can stop the guessing and the stupid games and find a girl that likes you. On the other hand she may be thrilled that you finally found the courage and go out with you. Ultimately you have nothing to lose and all to gain.

One very important thing for you to understand is that women do not appreciate men who are wishy washy with them. If you like her, ask her out. Do not go about it sideways and do not wait ages to do it. For one, you are not the only guy who thinks she is attractive and life is a competition. If you are not dating her, the more assertive guy will. Funny thing is that she may like you more than him, but she will go out with the one who is asking her out. Just some food for thought for you.
 
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Jacquesne is offline Jacquesne Post #7  May 21,2009, 8:11am
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DancingFool wrote :
Hmmm.....reading your post....you are not moving too fast, you are moving slower than a turtle in a coma. Women like men to be assertive - not aggressive, not pushy, not stalkerish, not needy, not desperate, but assertive.

From all that you desribe, if I were her I would not have the slightest clue whether you are just being a friend, whether you really like me and are you actually asking me on a date or not? Yeah, she is giving you all these green lights to go ahead and ask her out, but you are not doing it, so she gets annoyed with you and cools off. A pretty normal reaction from her. I would get annoyed with you too if I were her.

Man up and ask her out directly. No games, no hinting at things, no let's hang out, no pretend to be just friends. Ask her on a date and make your intentions clear - just do it. If she does not respond or shoots you down, then most definitely move on with your life. At least you know for sure where she stands and you can stop the guessing and the stupid games and find a girl that likes you. On the other hand she may be thrilled that you finally found the courage and go out with you. Ultimately you have nothing to lose and all to gain.

One very important thing for you to understand is that women do not appreciate men who are wishy washy with them. If you like her, ask her out. Do not go about it sideways and do not wait ages to do it. For one, you are not the only guy who thinks she is attractive and life is a competition. If you are not dating her, the more assertive guy will. Funny thing is that she may like you more than him, but she will go out with the one who is asking her out. Just some food for thought for you.
This is good advice for more than just the OP. I'd highly recommend for all the "nice" guys to read this!
 
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purpleraider is offline purpleraider Post #8  May 21,2009, 8:20am
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I understand where you are coming from..However, I do not see how this applies to me directly. I understand my post is novel length lol, but the whole man-up part is what I do not get...so i have a hard time believing you read everything i typed. I went up in person and got her number. I've also asked her on a date in person...Yes, I did not come out and was like hey i really like you...I just felt that it isn't the right time and she is very shy so i thought it would freak her out right now.
 
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purpleraider is offline purpleraider Post #9  May 21,2009, 8:30am
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With that said, let me say I agree with you completely that the guy should be forward if he likes a girl which is what I have doneand not try to be a friend first or whatever . Yes, I talk to the girl, but we still aren't extremely familiar with each other. I've avoided falling into the "friend" zone. Being the man about asking a girl out is not what i'm asking at all...more about timing and patience and deciphering her signs, but with the first two replies, I am confidnet that I was right about what to do next.
Last edited by purpleraider; May 21,2009 at 8:34am.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #10  May 21,2009, 9:14am
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I have read the entire thread. My thoughts: She's just not that into you. I agree with you, this has nothing to do with "manning up." You asked for her number, and asked several times to hang out with her. What more could you possibly do? This drama has been dragging out for a long time, but that's not entirely your fault, in my opinion.

In dating, society expects men to take the initiative and be assertive. In return, society expects women to make a responsible choice when approached. If you ask her out repeatedly and she hasn't taken expressed actions to show that she wants you, then you have a decision to make: Continue to pursue it, or to walk away from it.

This has gone on way too long. She doesn't seem to know what she wants. Is that your fault? I don't think it is. But I agree with the others, what you're doing is not helping the situation, it's only making you more frustrated. I'm sure there are other women at this school who are also shy, attractive, intelligent, but who are more willing to take that next step after you've done your job. I'd focus my efforts on finding one of them.
 
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