Ask author Janice Lieberman your dating questions!


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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #31  May 24,2009, 12:56pm
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- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

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Melissa07,

If you have a problem with only one person, that would suggest that it is either the other person or the combination of the two of you. But, you have only one relationship.

You do realize the risk you’re taking hitting somebody? One guy might dump you on the spot; another might call the police; another might hit you back. In any case, the longer you persist in that environment, the more it comes to seem normal – when it is not.

***

As much as nobody is going to agree with me here … since he is not dumping you and not retaliating, that suggests that he sees something in you that he likes (or he is dependant, or this is “normal” for him.) I think there is merit in staying. What I would expect to happen if the relationship ends, is that you will end up repeating the pattern with a new person, who may not give you what I think is a very lucky reaction.

In the short term, is there any way to minimize the situations which cause arguments in the first place?

Best of luck.
 
 
Janice_Lieberman is offline Janice_Lieberman Post #32  May 26,2009, 9:29am
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drewman wrote :
Let me try this again since it wouldn't post when I hit post..

Got married at 19 to a 26 yr old w/2 kids previous marriage in late '70s..

She had no prob with having children with me, but she wanted to wait a few years and said no problem.

She had physical probs; lost all teeth at 21; I couldn't tell she had dentures; that good.

She always went to all her drs/specialist like obgyn. She found out 2 years later that she had endimetriosis full blown. Had to take most of female reproductive organs out; biggest dream of mine was having a child with her; she wanted same.

She got insecure and thought I would up/leave and I promised from day one I would honor marriage vows we made no matter what.

She got sick and hospitalized several times in the next 20 years and she had sepsis/strep pneumonia(3 wk coma;10% chance to life and made it)...had breathing tube in for those 3 weeks so she couldn't swallow food or pills; she started deteriortating and after she got feeding tube, she finally couldn't hold down anything the got the second sepsis attack that lead to her passing. She was 53; me 45.

I grieved for a few years; got laid off my job after right before 20 yr mark; four months after her passing.

Anyways, I did start dating and thought I found another sweet and most wonderful person that said she wanted a kid or two; she was 40 and said still in good health......All she did was clean me out, fed me what I wanted to hear and lost like another close to 2 yrs.

Now I'm 50 and want a child like I did when I married. I cannot accept not having a child of at least my flesh and blood and while my dad had me/brother in his late 50s, I see Larry King, Trump and even locals have children later in life.

This has been my dream for all my life and when my wife couldn't, I substituted with running, cycling and motorcycle racing competitions along with work....

At that time, I would've gave anything to have children than those other activites and while I carried out my wedding vows by taking care of her and giving her wish of if she were to be failing healthwise, to let her be at home, not somekind of home, which I honored no question. She was just that special.

It's just now all these years I couldn't morally or in any sort of concious leave her for something that wasn't her fault even though I wanted children in the worst fashion and be just a regular family man.....even though she had her children by another man; never is the same and custody was split.

I'm just pained that I'm 50 and feel very attractive still that there is no one that unless lots younger or in their early 40s would want to have children since many already have had and don't want to themselves.

Please give me suggestions. Like I said, my dad had me in his late 50s and others, famous or local people that are men having children as late as 60s, etc....

I just wanted to be a family man and feel the door is closing and that my life will never be worth anything or complete without being just called "dad"; honoring my fathers memory and my mom who is alive to be grandma although later, she acts more 50 than many.

Thank you and may you all be graced by Good Health and God.
Drewman, you sound like a responsible and loyal person. I have absolutely no doubt that your dream of having children in a happy new relationship can be achieved. Just continue to take care of yourself, find a productive means of work that you care about, and aim high! If you are confident of your ability to meet and make a wonderful woman happy, it will happen.
 
 
Janice_Lieberman is offline Janice_Lieberman Post #33  May 26,2009, 9:30am
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newguy19 wrote :
we met via eharmony process. Then we chatted by email and im and then by txt and then phone. We talk regularly on the phone and she had apoligized numerous times for being so busy and says she cant wait to get together. She calls and we have these great talks on the phone and I call her and we talk. I have been busy during the week with new job and she has been busy on weekends. I realize we havent really met yet but when we talk she is really down to earth and easygoing and always says she would like to get together. I feel really comfortable talking to her and she always goes with flow and is really nice...and cute to. I would like to get to know her and have been trying to make the effort. I have been letting her contact me...and she has been calling me regularly. Each time i suggest we get together she says she is sorry about being so busy with family stuff and work stuff. When we first met she had some family emergencies so I backed off and let her call me..she texted me saying im sorry about everything, thanks for understanding...cant wait to meet.

That was three weeks-a month ago....I have since called her on the last two weekends including this one suggesting we get together and she said sure but was non committal. Both times i said I can come out to your end of town, and suggesting differnt ideas, and the second time I said i respect that fact that you are busy and im sorry that i have been to, but its a while weve been talking and i would like to get together... I could do something to help you like make dinner or coffee and we could eat it i havent heard from her since, basically I was trying to make the effort and make it easy for her without seeming to pushy.

I am just wondering if she is really interested in getting together as she says she is, I have been busy to but make the effort to offer to meet up or talk. I would like get to know her like i said but dont want to waste time or emotions.

Sounds like you have made pretty much every effort with this woman. If you're not entirely fed up, give it one last try and say something very clear, such as this: " I'd love to meet you, and I understand you've been really busy. The offer is still open, but the ball is in your court now. Look forward to hearing from you when your schedule allows."

If this leads nowhere, you have your answer. Hear it and move on.
 
 
Janice_Lieberman is offline Janice_Lieberman Post #34  May 26,2009, 9:32am
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I am 36 years old and I'll be 37 in September. I've never been married nor do I have any children. Sometimes I worry about never finding a woman who can have children or who already has some from a previous relationship and doesn't want anymore. I very much would like to be married and have a family of my own someday. Yet I'm starting to think my age is a hindrance to me because I get rejected on eHarmony by someone in their late 20s and early 30s for being "too old" for them. I know that women have a biological clock, but isn't it true that men have one, too?
Why not reach out to women closer to your own age? Women in their mid-thirties should be happy to hear from you, will probably want and be able to have children, and should have more in common with you than the under 35-crowd. Good luck!
 
 
Janice_Lieberman is offline Janice_Lieberman Post #35  May 26,2009, 9:33am
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melissa07 wrote :
I've been dating a guy for 9 months he is my first serious relationship, things were really good the only problem is that when we always go out we always end up fighting and sometimes its me who picks up the fights because there are certain things that bother me and i have such a strong character that I can't control myself sometimes I end up hitting him and after i do it I feel really bad. I told him I wanted a break so I can analyze myself. He doesnt like breaks and he tells me that there is always problems on a relationshio that he doesnt a break...I told him that me being aggressive with him its not normal.. can you give me some advice. was it right that I asked for a break, should I continue with relationship or this is not going to go any where? is it better a break for good so things in the future wont be worst, i feel really scare to let him because i love him so much and i care about him and i shouldn't be hurting him because he is not like that with me he is really sweet. I dont know why i react aggressive with him is there a problem?.. thank you for your advice ill appreciate it...
Violence is completely unacceptable in a relationship. Seek professional help and get to the bottom of why you are reacting with aggression to a person you care about. If you think this guy is a keeper--and only if he does not share your violent tendencies--have him come to counseling with you. It is so important that you deal with this problem now; you do not want to pass it on to your children and that is exactly what will happen if you don't correct your behavior. I admire your ability to see that something is wrong--that is step one. Step two is getting good, professional help.
 
 
eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadviceAdvice Official Moderator Post #36  May 26,2009, 10:13am

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Sadly our week with Janice has come to an end! However we will lock this thread and leave it on the site so it can continue to be a useful resource for our Community Members.

Thank you so much Janice, and our Community Members, for your participation!
 
 
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