Ask author Janice Lieberman your dating questions!


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Janice_Lieberman is offline Janice_Lieberman Post #11  May 19,2009, 1:34pm
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hankm25 wrote :
I feel like such a dork; I'm the only one not asking a question about dating in the form of shopping. I feel like this is like jeopardy and I'm not playing along. So, let me rephrase the question Alex: For a woman who is shopping around for a man is a man my age not in a relationship considered damaged goods? LOL
Ha! No problem. My answer above still applies. Thanks, though, for keeping up the shopping metaphor.
 
 
Janice_Lieberman is offline Janice_Lieberman Post #12  May 19,2009, 1:35pm
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Doctora2012 wrote :
I've been dating a great guy for the past 6 months, but we haven't officially established a relationship. I'm 31 and he's 26. At this stage of my life, I'd like to be in a committed relationship but I'm not sure whether he is. I wouldn't like to ask him because I don't want to push him away. I met his family last weekend, and they're great. He and I simply haven't talked about a serious relationship or a future together. I think 6 months may be too early to talk about these things, or is it too early?

How much longer do you think I should invest in this dating relationship?

I tried dating someone else recently while dating the guy I'm currently seeing, and felt guilty. I realized then that I really can't see two people at once (primarily because I think I already have feelings for the guy I'm currently seeing). I simply don't want to get hurt, and thought that dating others while seeing my current guy would help keep me from falling for him...which is already the case.

Thoughts? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Ah. Once women turn 30, they are often ready to look down the road to see if a permanent connection is a possibility. And there is nothing wrong with that. You're both young, but one of the challenges of the age difference in your relationship is that you may be at different places in your lives, with different expectations about the near future. Before you end up where a lot of my friends ended up--wasting many important years on a relationship that ultimately went nowhere--I think you should talk to your guy. Because you are right: it's almost impossible to date one guy while keeping the door open to others. So tell him gently but firmly that you are at a stage in your life when you want to be in a committed relationship. And then watch his face and, as we say in our book, read his labels! If he is telling you--verbally, through body language, or any other way--that he is not Perfectly Good Husband Material (what we call PGHM--a guy who is marriageable and not a player), it is probably time to move on. A guy who has met the girl of his dreams will hold on tight. A guy who is simply not in love, or not ready to be in love, will let things slip. Don't ignore the signs.
 
 
Janice_Lieberman is offline Janice_Lieberman Post #13  May 19,2009, 1:37pm
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beautifulgenius wrote :
I , like the others, have a problem. I am afraid of getting close in a present relationship because of a distance problem that we have. Everything else seems to be going along great, except that I feel like I can't feel committed to someone who is a long ways away. He lives in the states and I live in Canada. We are exclusive to one another, but it's like, I don't know how much longer I can keep up the messages and texts without seeing him. Am I being realistic or just fussy?? And I am also worried that once we do meet, that the next step is going to be for someone to move. Help, I need some advice. Thanx
Long distance relationships can result in marriage. We interviewed many women for our book who married a guy after a long-distance, commuting romance. But the end result is that eventually someone has to move. If this is not something you or your boyfriend want to even consider, then get out of the relationship. It's as simple as that. And keep in mind, moving can enrich your life so don't write it off as an impossibility without giving the relationship its due.

Also, you must have a regular plan for seeing each other while you are in different cities (or in your case, different countries!). If you (or he) can't commit to regular visits then you (or he) are not committing to the relationship, so if that is the case, call it a day and move on!
 
 
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #14  May 19,2009, 2:37pm
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Doctora2012 wrote :
I've been dating a great guy for the past 6 months, but we haven't officially established a relationship. I'm 31 and he's 26. At this stage of my life, I'd like to be in a committed relationship but I'm not sure whether he is. I wouldn't like to ask him because I don't want to push him away. I met his family last weekend, and they're great. He and I simply haven't talked about a serious relationship or a future together. I think 6 months may be too early to talk about these things, or is it too early?

How much longer do you think I should invest in this dating relationship?

I tried dating someone else recently while dating the guy I'm currently seeing, and felt guilty. I realized then that I really can't see two people at once (primarily because I think I already have feelings for the guy I'm currently seeing). I simply don't want to get hurt, and thought that dating others while seeing my current guy would help keep me from falling for him...which is already the case.

Thoughts? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I think you have a risk here, which may be hard to discern. At 26, I was nowhere close to being interested in committing to anyone; but I wanted to date, so I selected partners without considering their longer term suitability. One frequent issue that came up is when the women tried to then get more than they signed up for.

Simply allowing the passage of time might solve this problem – as your partner’s peer group becomes settled, his interests may naturally align with yours. Unfortunately, he may not be willing to commit at all. I would encourage you to have a serious talk around your future together (and don’t let the language get generalized.)

I consider six months more than enough to agree to date exclusively, but not enough to do something like buy a house together.
 
 
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #15  May 19,2009, 2:45pm
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beautifulgenius wrote :
I , like the others, have a problem. I am afraid of getting close in a present relationship because of a distance problem that we have. Everything else seems to be going along great, except that I feel like I can't feel committed to someone who is a long ways away. He lives in the states and I live in Canada. We are exclusive to one another, but it's like, I don't know how much longer I can keep up the messages and texts without seeing him. Am I being realistic or just fussy?? And I am also worried that once we do meet, that the next step is going to be for someone to move. Help, I need some advice. Thanx

Have you not yet met this person? I think you need to do so as soon as you can; you, or he, may decide not to continue after an in-person meeting.

I do think it is possible to remain exclusive over distance and limited meeting (I’m not saying the odds are good, just that it is possible.)

Yes, one or both of you would eventually need to move – but moving is easy for many people, and I would focus now on the compatibility and chemistry, and assume the logistics will fall into place in time.
 
 
Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #16  May 19,2009, 3:16pm
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I'm also interested to hear what your philosophy is on the thorny issue of who pays for the first date.
 
 
beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #17  May 19,2009, 9:35pm
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Janice_Lieberman wrote :
Long distance relationships can result in marriage. We interviewed many women for our book who married a guy after a long-distance, commuting romance. But the end result is that eventually someone has to move. If this is not something you or your boyfriend want to even consider, then get out of the relationship. It's as simple as that. And keep in mind, moving can enrich your life so don't write it off as an impossibility without giving the relationship its due.

Also, you must have a regular plan for seeing each other while you are in different cities (or in your case, different countries!). If you (or he) can't commit to regular visits then you (or he) are not committing to the relationship, so if that is the case, call it a day and move on!
Thanx for the advice, Dr. Lieberman. yes, I quite agree, someone is going to have to move , eventually, and that's the hardest part. We seem to agree on everything and have no problem in discussing anything. But the distance, is the thing. And you are right, I have to commit to getting to see him, and vice-versa. He has already said, that he wants to come down and visit with me for a weekend and then we would switch, but we both also agree, that spending a day, if that, and then heading back , is going to be both hectic and tiring, and so we want to wait until the summer and then, spend as much time as possible together, then. We are trying, but it seems so hard to do. Also, thanx for telling me that this could result in marriage, I truly wondered if it could, or not.
 
 
beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #18  May 19,2009, 9:43pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Have you not yet met this person? I think you need to do so as soon as you can; you, or he, may decide not to continue after an in-person meeting.

I do think it is possible to remain exclusive over distance and limited meeting (I’m not saying the odds are good, just that it is possible.)

Yes, one or both of you would eventually need to move – but moving is easy for many people, and I would focus now on the compatibility and chemistry, and assume the logistics will fall into place in time.
Thanx D_Lion, we are remaining exclusive, and he and I were off the dating site a long time ago. We already have a lot of chemistry, and I know the first meeting is still coming. What scares me , is that first initial meeting, and I know, from experience, that, that is everything. I don't rely on pics to tell me anything, because they are essentially useless at getting me prepared. I have learned from past meetings that the pic doesn't always give the right information about someone. It's all on my perception and his. But so far, we are having a good time, and loving every minute we have 'together".
 
 
cozy_home is offline cozy_home Post #19  May 20,2009, 1:09pm
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Ms. Lieberman,

I recently met a guy for about one month ago, and have been seeing each other for only twice, but been email/text/phone call almost every day. I have good feeling about him, and hoping this would be my final stop, after many of failure of trying to meet the right person. Anyway, he expressed that he feels comfortable with me and would like to know more about me. However, recently he has been contact me less and less, his excuse is that he is very busy at work, which I believe so. But on the other hand, I kind feel, he was kind pull back a little too. Is it because I start to approach him more than before? Because most people say that ladies should let the man do the chasing and pursuing, but shouldn't we honest to our heart, why would people want to make things harder than it should be. I'm very confused, in your opinion, should I ask him if there is anything going on than just busy? or should I pull back too, and wait to see what's going on?

Thank you very much.
 
 
HopefullLeigh is offline HopefullLeigh Post #20  May 20,2009, 7:35pm
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I have a question!

When you first meet someone and you're noticing nit-picky little things about them that unsettle you ("white" lies, a bit of flakyness for example), in your opinion how do you know whether they are really "red flags" or if you are just being overly picky? I would hate to miss out on love for being overly picky but I would hate even more to go forward and regret it later because I ignored "signs".

Thanks you for your help.
 
 
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