JLUSF is offline JLUSF Post #1  May 17,2009, 8:44am
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Hello everyone.

I have been dating the most wonderful girl I have ever met for 7 1/2 months. More and more we seem to get into little arguments over nothing, etc.

I consider myself to be a good person. I am nice, I care, and I am compassionate towards people I care about. However, I believe when I was in middle school I was picked on, and eventually it pushed me to a boiling point. I believe this is the beginning of my anger issues. I let something build and build, until I explode.

Three times during this seven months I have acted irresponsibly. I get so worked up and upset, I dont even think about the consequences of my actions or how I make her feel. She has a past of abuse from her mother, who would get angry and choke her.

The first time I got mad and I somewhat choked her, or rather I simulated it, for about 10 seconds, then I let go once I realized what I was doing.
The second time she was being really really careless towards me, and very spiteful and purposefully agitating me. Although It was never right, basically I sat and watched a movie by myself in theatres why she sat outside on the concrete, and texted me reminding me of how she was sitting outside by herself. Everytime I texted her back saying I had no trouble refunding the tickets and going somewhere else, she told me not to. In the past when I did something like this against her wishes, she would get upset at me for sacrificing for her. So I decided to continue watching the movie. Afterwards I was running around outside trying to find her, texted her, called her. she didnt answer. I finally found her after like 15 minutes of looking. And I got so upset she wouldnt answer her phone, I held her by her chin against the wall of the theatre and didnt scream or yell at her, but with a very stern upset voice told her what I thought.

Most recently last Friday she came over my house to transfer pictures from her SD Card to my laptop. She is very self conscience about pictures and stuff, and when I found a video, she got all upset, and said not to look at it. She tried pushing me out of the way to exit the folder (I never opened the video) at this point it agitated me, I told her to calm down. I wasnt going to open it. Then when we went to look at the second SDCard, she became very standoff ish, and said forget it, and was all upset, and this pissed me off, so I w/o thinking backhanded her on her right shoulder. It was enough to hurt for a few minutes. It was my intention to hit her shoulder, and no place else. I did not intend for it to hurt so much. I didnt even realize what I had done til after I have done it.

Well anyway, last night, she finally got the courage up to tell me that she is scared of me. She is scared of upsetting me. She is scared of doing anything to upset me. She says she loves me. She says she wants to stay with me. But she isnt sure what to do, because she can't sleep well at night at all. and often has "bad" dreams about me and my anger(She didnt go into detail with the dreams). I love and care for her so very much, and I deeply regret doing those things to her. This is my first real relationship, and I am only 20 years old. I want to work things out with her. I want to earn her trust back. I dont know how to proceed. Has it went to far? Is the damage done permanent? I really need some guidance, so that I can repent, and make it up to her for the rest of her life.

Thank you so much.

-J
 
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HopefullLeigh is offline HopefullLeigh Post #2  May 18,2009, 5:31pm
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Wow.

While it is horrible, what you are doing to your girlfriend, the fact that you find it wrong and want to change is a step in the right direction. Though you seem more concerned with saving this particular relationship than dealing with the fact that you are an abuser. Without addressing the root of the problem you will simply relive this situation over and over with any woman you are with. One thing that is missing from your post is any mention of much-needed counseling for you.

The person you love is afraid of you. You are supposed to be a protector, or haven for her, not something to fear.

You and your gf together will need counseling if she chooses to stay in the relationship with you. If she were a friend of mine I would tell her not to stay. These things only tend to get worse, not better.

Either way, you need help or your every relationship will end this way - or worse.

Please talk with your doctor and explain what's going on and get a referral to a counselor. Or, search online, as I am sure there are plentiful resources for abusers who wish to seek help.

I hope for the best for you and anyone who loves you. And I do commend you for addressing this issue before it escalates.
 
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singinggirl is online now singinggirl Post #3  May 18,2009, 6:52pm
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God for you for looking for help. This is not likely to get better on its own so get help now! Often, communities have mental health resource lines that you can call anonymously for assistance. Too, I don't know if you have health insurance through an employer, but if you do you can usually access some type of mental health resource through that service. But whatever you have to do, find help before this goes on even one more day. Please....
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #4  May 18,2009, 8:22pm
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This is a very serious situation. If it were your girlfriend instead of you describing these interactions, I would tell her that she is at risk and advise her to contact a battered women shelter immediately.

As you are coming to realize, you have some serious anger control issues that are having a very deleterious effect on your girlfriend and on your relationship (and on you, too!). Apologizing isn't enough. Promising to do better isn't enough. You must take active steps to get help, and assist your girlfriend in getting help as well (because she needs it, too). The good news is both that help is available, and that you can learn to manage your emotions much more constuctively -- especially if it's something that you really want to do (and it appears that this is indeed that case).

So, where can you turn for help? Do you have a job with health insurance? If so, find out what your mental health coverage is and make an appointment with a therapist (your employer will not need to know why you are doing this). I also encourage you to get in touch with domestic violence resources in your area, both to see if they can direct you to resources for offenders (sorry; but that's you!), as well as for your girlfriend. If you do not know how to find domestic violence resources in your area, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (National Domestic Violence Hotline) at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and ask them to help you find local resources (they should be able to tell you what resources might be in your area). Here, too, is a link to a listing of state coalitions against domestic violence; most have websites that list more local resources: State Coalition List - National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

It may happen that, as your girlfriend gets stronger, she will leave you. However, I hope that you truly do love her enough to take that risk. You both deserve better than a relationship filled with this kind of fear and violence.

Best of luck to you.
 
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Flipofreality is offline Flipofreality Post #5  May 18,2009, 10:07pm
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Its good that you want to stop this behaviour and that you realise how much it is hurting your girlfriend both physically and mentally. Its even better that you are looking to do something about it.

However, this issue is not something that you can just want to go away badly enough that it will. Its also not something that anyone here is going to be able to truly help you with.

You may not want to hear this, but its really probably best if you let her go. You need time to work out your issues. Its not something you can work out overnight, and it may be something you have a REALLY hard time fixing. In the meantime, what happens? You keep hurting her. Its dangerous. Moreover, while your trying to share your life with someone you don't get the luxury of doing whats best for you, which during a process like this is what you need to be focusing on: Doing whatever gets -you- better.

More than that, the girl that you are with seems a tad unstable as well, with the self-esteem issues of not wanting you to see that video, and the willingness to stay with someone abusive (and not even dealing with the abusive behaviour at all for several months). You both need a bit of seperation to be able to deal with your issues whole-heartedly.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  May 19,2009, 4:29am
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Unfortunately what you describe is the definition of a toxic relationship. I would say end the relationship at least for the time being and focus on working out your personal issues. Until you have done that, you are going to repeat the abuse over and over no matter how bad you feel about it after. In fact remorse is classic abuser behavior.

Beyond that you both individually need to get serious help. Your personal anger issues are beyond just some help lines - please go seek a good psychiatrist, find one that works for you and start dealing with your problems. The fact that you realize that you have a problem means that you can change things around for yourself. Essentially you are half way there, even if the other half is the hard one. Instead of focusing on the relationship, you really need to focus on yourself and you need to get profesional help with that so that you can resolve it and have a better life in the future.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #7  May 19,2009, 5:57am
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To answer the thread question, NO, it probably won't work out. You put your hands on her not once but three times. That's three times more than I would have given you if I were in her situation. In fact you would've been one sorry dude if you manhandled me. Maybe that's what you need if you don't get some serious professional help.
 
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timeless2 is offline timeless2 Post #8  May 19,2009, 6:36am
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You both need training/help in communication and in managing your emotions. It will benefit you not only in personal relationships but professionally as well.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #9  May 19,2009, 6:55am
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Your girlfriend is an abuse victim. Abuse victims like and create chaos in their relationships. She is able to set up off and in some weird way is "hoping" that you will assault her.

You guys are "perfect" for each other. You each are bringing something to this relationship that the other one needs.

-----------------------------------------

As stated above this is a classic toxic relationship. You need to end this relationship. If you have anger issues, get into some anger management. A real girlfriend is NEVER going to try push you to where you lose control.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #10  May 19,2009, 8:31am
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DDjr wrote :
Your girlfriend is an abuse victim. Abuse victims like and create chaos in their relationships. She is able to set up off and in some weird way is "hoping" that you will assault her.
This is referred to as "blaming the victim." Take responsibility for your own behavior. There is nothing that your girlfriend did (or could do) that justifies the abusive behavior in these cases.
 
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