GreenMama is offline GreenMama Post #1  May 14,2009, 7:45pm
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My husband and I have been having problems for some time now. We've made plans to see someone regularly starting Thursday of next week to help us work on our relationship. Anyway, mother's day I think was the straw that broke my back. It was my first one and he gave me an ice cream with nothing on it, no happy mother's or anything (this was Friday). I asked him why he said it was "neat." and nothing else. No card, no flowers, nothing. My first mother's day. I told him how excited I was. I TOLD him that this day for me, was bigger more important than any other day in my life. I am a mom. I brought life into this world and he can't even get me a card. Now, as absurd as that sounds think about this type of behavior everyday, morning, noon and night. Same type of nonchalant it is what it is behavior. I cook, I clean, I take care of baby, I plan the budget, and I also work. He goes to work, sleeps, watches the baby occasionally and that's it. I would have appreciated a rock more if there was thought behind it. I wanted something meaningful.

Like I said we've been having problems for a while, but the way he handled this, my first mother's day broke me. My dad asked me at the end of the day what did Andrew do for me. I shamefully told him nothing. He said, no card, nothing? How about Ailanni, my baby girl, did she get you anything? I said she crawled backwards! Lol. My dad was furious I could tell by the steady breathing and lack of conversation. I knew then that I had lost my why. The reason why I was in this marriage, this relationship to start with. You see, after every bonehead thing my husband has ever done my dad and my best friend have always given him the benefit of the doubt. Therefore, so did I. I just thought, if I try a little harder, if I'm more patient, it'll work, to no avail. My dad knew without me telling him how special this day was to me. I've wanted to be a mom since I was a kid. It was my dream. I know weird, but hey. Anyway, before it gets too much longer. What do I do now? I do not know why I'm still with him? Why I want to be or anything? What happens now?

I know that I don't want my daughter to ever feel like I felt. He's so caught up in what he thinks is right or ok that he doesn't see how his actions affect other people. I don't want her to ever be disappointed by his attitude towards things. I want to grow with parents that laugh and love have fun. Things that we don't do.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #2  May 14,2009, 8:08pm

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first of all, both you and your daughter are beautiful and i'm sorry you are going through this situation.

secondly, you should try some counseling. i mean, you married him for a reason, right? he must have some redeeming qualities.

if after counseling you want to leave him, then do so.
 
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musmusculus is offline musmusculus Post #3  May 14,2009, 9:04pm
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That sucks. I wish your husband was more like my dad. I remember when I was probably 6 or 7, going to the florist with my dad to 'buy' a Mothers' Day gift for my mom. (My dad paid for it, of course, but I made the card myself..) My dad always got my mom a nice gift (jewelry, etc), some flowers, and a card. I couldn't understand why HE had to give my mom a gift on Mothers' Day since she wasn't his mother. He told me that it was "in recognition of the fact that she is the mother of his children." That made sense to me at the time and answered my question. Funny what kids remember their fathers saying, isn't it? My parents are going to be married 58 years next month- with 4 children, 9 grandchildren, and 1 great grandchild..

I hope counseling will help your husband understand that you and your daughter should be the center of his universe.
 
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NathanCM is offline NathanCM Post #4  May 14,2009, 9:18pm
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There is more to this story.

All we have is Husband gave some ice cream for mothers day and nothing else.

So what is the other side? Logically speaking, getting ice cream as a gift isn't sufficient grounds to end a serious relationship - thus what is the back story?
 
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gr8galmv is offline gr8galmv Post #5  May 14,2009, 10:54pm
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Maybe you haven't been paying attention to your husband since you are so wrapped up in the baby. Maybe he's jealous and wants his wife back? When's the last time you met one of his needs or really listened to what it is that he needs from you aside from all the energy you have put into your baby. I've heard that a lot from other people who are first time parents. It's a huge struggle and a huge effort to make time to focus on the husband/wife relationship rather than the parent/child one. I'm no marital expert, never married myself but I think you'll benefit from couples counseling and perhaps you'll learn a bit about some of the mis-steps you've made along the way that you aren't realizing just as much as he will realize his mis-steps. Good luck and I hope you work through this.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #6  May 15,2009, 3:23am
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I feel for your situation and don't want to turn this around to be your fault - your husband definitely has some issues and hopefully he won't treat the counseling sessions you have together as nonchalantly as everything else - but, I have to agree with Gr8galmv's perspective. It's an extremely common problem among new parents that the baby becomes the focus of the relationship and things just kind of start falling apart. Judging by your admitted desire to be a mom "since you were a child", I'd guess that this is what has happened ...your life has become all about your child. I'm not 'blaming' you, or even saying it is necessarily wrong ...babies need a lot of care ...just saying it is an extremely common reaction.

I hope counseling works for you. Good luck.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #7  May 15,2009, 3:54am
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NathanCM wrote :
There is more to this story....
i am afraid i have to agree with nathan here. why are you telling us the names of your husband and daughter? that is very personal information to be putting out on an adult dating site and seems very inappropriate.

and why is a married woman with a young child on a dating site anyway?

you say you have set up an appointment with a marriage counselor. why not give that an opportunity to work?

i'm sorry, greenmama, but this doesn't all seen to be right.
and even if this part of the story is complete- this can't be the whole story.

i know i sound harsh and judgmental. i do not intend to be. you state here that you want your daughter to grow up with parents- presumably two in the same house. in your other thread you state that you are eager to start marriage counseling. my advice? give the counseling a chance. and don't put so much personal information about another person in your post- i would especiall refrain from naming a spouse with whom you have yet to go to counseling.

just my $0.02.
Last edited by notyet; May 15,2009 at 5:17am.
 
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GreenMama is offline GreenMama Post #8  May 15,2009, 5:54am
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notyet wrote :
i am afraid i have to agree with nathan here. why are you telling us the names of your husband and daughter? that is very personal information to be putting out on an adult dating site and seems very inappropriate.

and why is a married woman with a young child on a dating site anyway?

you say you have set up an appointment with a marriage counselor. why not give that an opportunity to work?

i'm sorry, greenmama, but this doesn't all seen to be right.
and even if this part of the story is complete- this can't be the whole story.

i know i sound harsh and judgmental. i do not intend to be. you state here that you want your daughter to grow up with parents- presumably two in the same house. in your other thread you state that you are eager to start marriage counseling. my advice? give the counseling a chance. and don't put so much personal information about another person in your post- i would especiall refrain from naming a spouse with whom you have yet to go to counseling.

just my $0.02.

Honestly, I didn't think about it. I just didn't want to use pronouns the whole way through. Anyway, yes I devote a lot of my time to my child because I really have to. He works nights and sleeps all day. So, when he wakes up, I try to have dinner made and everything together so that if we can just hang out I can do so. However, I recently started working part-time again so, that's eating away at our time together as well.

Prior to this relationship I would have considered myself a very logical person. I told him, being in this relationship actually turned me into a girl. Now that I am one, he doesn't really like it. I don't know what to do. When we first got together he was huge on gender roles, so I learned I tried, and I became the woman. I do all the things that woman should do in my eyes. Occasionally he'll tell me that I'm doing a good job, but most times he just doesn't see it. Anyway, I appreciate everyone's input.

Oh, by the way..this "dating" site has people in relationships, people that are married, and single on here. So, just because I'm married on this site doesn't mean I'm looking. I'm not. I don't want to bring that kind of drama in my life. I have enough on my plate to begin with. I posted here because it seems more legit then any other forum for relationship advice. Cafemom or MomslikeMe is very woman oriented and I've always thought that it takes two people to tango. I have done a lot, now that I've sat down and evaluated everything, I really don't think it's just me like my husband would have me believe. I think it's both of us, and a lot of him. He's an only child and used to people bending over backwards for everything, with him doing little in return. I've known him for 7 years, so I've seen it all. I care about him and our family, but at this point, I'm not sure if work well together anymore. I'm going to counseling though and I'm going to try my best!
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #9  May 15,2009, 6:03am
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GreenMama wrote :
...I've seen it all. I care about him and our family, but at this point, I'm not sure if work well together anymore. I'm going to counseling though and I'm going to try my best!
sorry if i jumped to conclusions- i was just responding to what i was perceiving- but i do wish you well.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #10  May 15,2009, 6:50am
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NathanCM wrote :
There is more to this story.

All we have is Husband gave some ice cream for mothers day and nothing else.

So what is the other side? Logically speaking, getting ice cream as a gift isn't sufficient grounds to end a serious relationship - thus what is the back story?
@OP: This is not intended as deliberately harsh and I really hope that you and your husband get into counseling and it makes things better.

----------------------------------------------------------

If you read between the lines the whole story is there. The OP was in a marriage that was having problems. To misquote the OP, she said, "I would rather be married to a rock."

While this was going on she accidentally and / or on purpose got pregnant (which she hoped would magically fix the relationship).

Now the baby is here and things are as bad or worse.

Hopefully both parties will really commit to counseling.

----------------------------------------------------------

@OP: Counseling with your husband is in all likelihood going to make him realize that he's not ready for marriage or fatherhood.
 
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