If a past love contacts you and says "I still miss you every single day"?


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Bushido45 is offline Bushido45 Post #1  May 13,2009, 2:02pm
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If a past love contacts you and says "I still miss you every single day"?

If you have told a former love many months ago that you wish to move on and cease contact because of unresolvable relationship problems (her family's prejudice/dislike of me and her dishonesty and the mistrust that has created) and they keep contacting you each month via email or messenger chat with short messages with words such as "I still miss you every single day" "could you please just be my friend at least." (I assume that she is in a relationship or has been in one (or more) relationships since we separated in November of last year).
Could it be that she just wants to be friends as her "I will love you forever" feeling has gone or could there be other ulterior (hidden) motives?
 
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Nick76 is offline Nick76 Post #2  May 13,2009, 11:46pm
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Getting constant messages from someone speaks volumes about her state of mind. Someone who just wants to be friends says every once-in-awhile hi or how are you and leaves it at that. If a person says they miss you every single day and is pleading to be a friend this person wants more than a friendship. I think the important thing is that you know what you want, there is no harm in being friends but you don't want to lead anyone on.
 
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AdviceGuru is offline AdviceGuru Post #3  May 14,2009, 12:35am
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Looks like your ex is seriously developing a case of stalker syndrome. It is quite obvious she regrets the breakup and hasn't completely moved on or if she did moved on by having new relationships, it probably didn’t work out as she’d been comparing you to every guy she meets after you and thus misses you all the more “every single day” and the prospect of you not involved in her life as you used to makes for a sad picture and she wants you in her life even in a friendly capacity and starting over as friends might eventually get you to come back to her. How to handle it? First off, you have to ask yourself if you still want her in your life: as a distant friend, an occasional friend, or a best friend? If you said no to any forms of friendship with her and to her being back in your life, then you just keep on ignoring her messages, block her in your messenger list, or change your email address and phone numbers if you can’t ignore her and she’s really bothering you. It will take her time to stop sending those messages so until then, be patient, and don't reply to anything she sends you no matter how provoking she may be. I've been there and it took six months for the messages to finally stop coming and a lot of self-control to ignore and not respond to anything he sent despite his provocations.
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outlaw1 is offline outlaw1 Post #4  May 14,2009, 1:30am

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I believe as long as boundaries are clear and you are not enabling someone, then it's ok to help them thru a difficult time in life.

Many modern humans have become inhumans...we are all rushing to our deaths. Why not take out some time to extend a hand to someone who is drowning?

Ok with that said I'm not a professional psychiatrist and understand that we all have limitations.

My goal would be to try to give someone closure. If that's what they needed. Maybe I'm wrong.

It's impossible to judge with the little amount of information that is provided. But it sounded like a painful relationship for you (her family-prejudiced, etc.)

Why assume she has been in a relationship? Why not ask her? This is not an easy thing. I wish you much luck.

Peace
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #5  May 14,2009, 2:27am
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I think it's safe to assume that we've all been on her side of a breakup, the dumpee, and we can sympathize with her ...but, honestly, the best thing to do here is to let sleeping dogs lie. It's obvious you do not have the same feelings for her and any attempt at being her 'friend' will simply lead her on into thinking there's a chance at a reconciliation. I know it sounds heartless and cruel, but the other way is even more so if you have no intention of getting back together.

She needs to deal with this and figure it out for herself. It doesn't sound like she has many friends or a necessarily supportive family in helping her deal with this ...but, that's her problem, it's part of growing up. She will find some way through it without using you as a crutch.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #6  May 14,2009, 6:23am
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I would call her up for a booty call once in a while.
 
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Bushido45 is offline Bushido45 Post #7  May 18,2009, 6:19pm
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Thanks so much for the majority of thoughtful advice. Walk on we must.........
 
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words_last is offline words_last Post #8  May 19,2009, 11:12am
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Many of the comments I see here are basically 'off the cuff', without thoroughly reading the question, which can end up as Mean.

He asked this
"If you have told a former love many months ago that you wish to move on and cease contact because of unresolvable relationship problems (her family's prejudice/dislike of me and her dishonesty and the mistrust that has created) and they keep contacting you each month via email or messenger chat with short messages with words such as "I still miss you every single day" "could you please just be my friend at least." (I assume that she is in a relationship or has been in one (or more) relationships since we separated in November of last year).
Could it be that she just wants to be friends as her "I will love you forever" feeling has gone or could there be other ulterior (hidden) motives?"

She is not a stalker. It is not unusual for someone who sincerely loves someone to not wish to enter another relationship for a measly 6 months, or even years. Monthly messages that encourage and do not ask for much of anything... The questioner wants to know if there are ulterior motives... If her "I will love you forever" feeling has gone... I think, and pardon me if I am wrong, but I think she is sincere. And so is he. It is frightening to stand up for love against prejudice, backbiting, etc. It is frightening to trust yourself, let alone someone else. But in this case, you really should. See strength in the courage of gentle admonitions.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  May 20,2009, 1:38pm
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If she was dishonest with you in a relationship, will you trust her to be honest with you in a friendship?

At the end of a love affair there is often one partner who is still more attached than the other. And there is (particularly in the one who initiated the breakup) a need for strong boundaries to reinforce the hard decision made. Only once both people have worked well beyond that attachment is a real friendship possible, and that is rare.

As someone said earlier, what do you want? We owe the people in our lives (even those who have betrayed or hurt us in some way) some level of kindness and civility, but we do not owe them friendship. Friendship, right along side relationships or marriage, should be reserved for the people we can count on for for whom we wish to be reliable.
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #10  May 20,2009, 3:18pm
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outlaw1 wrote :
I believe as long as boundaries are clear and you are not enabling someone, then it's ok to help them thru a difficult time in life.

Many modern humans have become inhumans...we are all rushing to our deaths. Why not take out some time to extend a hand to someone who is drowning?

Ok with that said I'm not a professional psychiatrist and understand that we all have limitations.

My goal would be to try to give someone closure. If that's what they needed. Maybe I'm wrong.

It's impossible to judge with the little amount of information that is provided. But it sounded like a painful relationship for you (her family-prejudiced, etc.)

Why assume she has been in a relationship? Why not ask her? This is not an easy thing. I wish you much luck.

Peace
I kinda like this answer. Especially the underlined part.

Look, how many people are on this board. We would not be here if we had successful relationships. Whether it is a cultural shift or not, compassion, within limits, is better than dissecting every nuance to death.
 
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