tiffany_case is offline tiffany_case Post #1  May 13,2009, 4:37am
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How important is it to get divorced.

My partner of a year doesnt think it is that important to get divorced. He says he is with me and that is what is important.
He is friends with his estranged wife and doesnt want to hurt her any more. He left her two and a half years ago. He cant see how he is sending out the wrong message to her. Or am I expecting too much?
Last edited by tiffany_case; May 13,2009 at 5:37am.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #2  May 13,2009, 6:56am
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I suppose that depends on how important it is to you to get married again, since obviously that's not going to happen as long as he's still married to his wife (which very well could be his intention to avoid remarrying).

It's certainly a strange situation, but if it doesn't bother you (and apparently hasn't for a year now), and you never expect any more than what you have now, to each his own.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  May 13,2009, 7:24am
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How well do you really know him and the state of his marriage? His reasoning is not actually reasonable or rational. For all means and purposes he is a married man who is having an affair. Are you really OK with that? Do you ever want the relationship between you and him to be more than that? Perhaps time for you to take a good look at what it is that you need and then make a decision on what you want to do about that.
 
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StatGamer is offline StatGamer Post #4  May 13,2009, 8:35am
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I know very few men who stay married with an estranged wife just so that they can be friends and not hurt her. Dude, you already left her or she you. If that didn't hurt, what can the legal process do that is worse??

It depends on you I suppose but personally I would not tolerate it. It sounds fictitious. Perhaps they have financial ties, joint business ownership, combined property etc that makes divorce a loss-making enterprise but if that's the case he should be able to tell you that.

All of us come with baggage from past relationships and divorces and our new partners have to deal with it. But when the "baggage" is that your boyfriend is still married, well that's baggage of an entirely different caliber.

Are you curious why SHE has never initiated the divorce either? Something is not right, my dear.
 
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tiffany_case is offline tiffany_case Post #5  May 13,2009, 8:48am
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There are no financial ties, etc that you mention. The main thing is they have known eachother since teenage years. He left her and yes I have always wondered why she didnt divorce him. He left her for another woman, though he says the marriage was going wrong anyway. He just needed an excuse. But that relationship didnt work either then he met me, we've been together over a year now. Dont know what to think or do really.
 
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StatGamer is offline StatGamer Post #6  May 13,2009, 8:51am
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do you want to get married to him? because if so, you're wasting your time unless he divorces here.

I know people who were teenage/highschool sweethearts who got married but then divorced even though they may have continued a friendship. I am friends with my ex, but we are not still married!

Bottom line to me is that if you want to get married, it won't work until he is mentally/emotionally ready to divorce and if he was, he'd have done it already. If you don't intend to marry or don't want to marry him, then it should be okay.

I'm assumign they're not talking, calling, writing, hugging etc on a routine basis?
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #7  May 13,2009, 10:29am
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tiffany_case wrote :
How important is it to get divorced.

My partner of a year doesnt think it is that important to get divorced. He says he is with me and that is what is important.
He is friends with his estranged wife and doesnt want to hurt her any more. He left her two and a half years ago. He cant see how he is sending out the wrong message to her. Or am I expecting too much?
Your boyfriend has created a potentially messy situation by not getting a divorce. If you are living with him I suggest you get out immediately. If you do not move out and he dies then legally everything belongs to his estranged wife. She can have you evicted and prevent you from removing anything except your clothes, toiletries and pictures. You would have no standing with the probate court.
 
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timeless2 is offline timeless2 Post #8  May 13,2009, 10:52am
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Are you sure you're not just another affair until he gets back with his wife?
 
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tiffany_case is offline tiffany_case Post #9  May 14,2009, 1:53am
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No not at all. He still gets his hair cut by her, and that was really the start of the problem, I couldnt really understand that. So I said I could cope with it more if he was at least divorced. So he sees her every 6 weeks or so. His 'reason' is so they can chat about the kids. Though the 'kids' are 26 24 and 20!!!!!
We do have a good relationship, but I just wonder if his true loyalties/feelings lay elsewhere.
Surely he would go back to her if she was that important to him wouldnt he. Its been 2and a half years since he left her. They have sorted out all the finances and live in new/different homes so its pretty much final. I know she would have him back though.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  May 14,2009, 6:46am
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Keep in mind that whatever he says about his ex is only his side of the story. For instance he says that he left her. Well let's see here......he cheated on her....is it possible that she left him for that? Or maybe that he can't go back because she is not taking him back? Or maybe neither one is filing for a divorce because they have not yet abandoned their marriage and relationship entirely? It's not just him that's not getting a divorce, his wife is not either. This means that something is still between them and they are quite likely hanging on for various individual and mutual reasons. If the marriage was truly over, they would pull the trigger so to speak and move on with their lives.

Still, at the end of the day it's not about him, it's about you. What do you want out of life and out of this relationship?
 
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