Might be going through my first real breakup


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cgn is offline cgn Post #1  May 12,2009, 7:55pm
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Hi,
My girlfriend and I have dated for 3 1/2 years. It has been wonderful, we have loved each other so much, we are both each others first true love. She always has said how great she thinks I am and we often enjoy thinking of one day getting married and living with each other. I love her with all my heart and I want nothing more that to spend my life with her. And she has always felt the same way. About a month ago she told me that she was depressed and she thought that I was contributing to that because I hadnt been as romantic as I used to be and I agreed because I was pretty preoccupied with upcoming exams. However I did all I could do to make her feel special since that talk and she told me that she loved my dedication and was very happy that I cared enough about her to put her first, even in such a stressful time (exam time at college). So anyway, we finish exams and move back to our hometown for the summer, we were both very excited of being able to spend more time with each other with out having to worry about school. So a couple of nights ago I went over to her house to watch a movie with her and it was normal, and when I was about to go back home she just started crying and eventually said that she couldnt be with me anymore. I became really emotional also kept asking why, after things were going so good, and she said that I was great she couldnt ask for more and yet she still didnt feel the same way. I am crushed, we were each others world and she loved me so deeply that I thought I would have to really screw up to lose her. It just doesnt make any sense because she loved me so much that I used to feel bad for her because I thought that I couldnt offer her the kind of deep compasonate love that she gave me, but she said I was absolutly perfect. She said we should talk again in a few days once we have some time to think and although I wanted to fight to save things right then I gave her her space and told her to call me when she was ready. It has been 3 days now and I am just so nervious because I feel like I should be doing something to show her how much I care however another part of me wants to just let think on her own and hope that she realizes what she is throwing away. Am I doing the right thing? What Should I do? She is the most significant part of my life and I dont know what to do with out her. I will eventually be able to get over her in time(alot of time) if worst comes to worst, but untill I hear from her again I am devestated cannot get her off of my mind, and I think it is affecting my health (tough to eat sometimes). I am still very hopeful and I think she wants it to work also, but is just a little confused right now. Any advise for what to do now or what to say when I get to talk to her ( or not to say)? Thanks in adavance.
 
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lindseyk is offline lindseyk Post #2  May 12,2009, 9:28pm

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That's a tough one. It's hard to know what's in her mind. I think if she has asked for time, you need to give her that. She did say she wants to talk again, so when she is ready, go prepared to listen. I'm really not sure what you should say to her, but I do think that really hearing what she says is important. It sounds like she is very confused, so be patient with her.


I'm sorry you are going through something so painful. Take some time for yourself before you talk to her again and try not to over-think it too much.
 
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AdviceGuru is offline AdviceGuru Post #3  May 13,2009, 12:04am
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No, you don’t need to really screw up to lose someone you truly and deeply love. All it takes is neglect. Feeling neglected is not something like feeling angry or upset. It is more of a gradual feeling that creeps up on you when you least expect it. And neglecting someone is not any given conscious effort. It is the little things that you take for granted like “Oh, she’ll understand I can’t spend time with her because she knows I’m busy.” And don’t get me wrong but I believe your girlfriend pretty much understands that you’re busy but she can’t help but feel neglected in the process especially if you’ve been spending every moment of everyday with each other and now that it’s exam week, you can’t even take the time out from studying to ask how she is doing. Or maybe you’re not appreciating her as much as you used to. And those moments without you or the lack of concern on your part (because you were busy studying), only adds up everyday to her feeling of being neglected and taken for granted by the one person she trust not to put her on hold or to the side. And it also won’t help your cause if some other guy at school is vying for her affections and thus confuse your girlfriend further. If this is the case and your girlfriend is feeling very much neglected and unappreciated and there’s another guy showering her with lots of attention and affection, she’ll be more drawn to the conclusion that she can’t be with you anymore despite your efforts after that talk because she’d think and feel that she’s forcing you to be affectionate towards her especially if you kept telling her how stressed out you are.

I know your girlfriend is probably driving you crazy at the moment with worry, devastation and desperation to keep her love in yours, and it’s been 3 days now since you’ve last spoken, I suggest to send her a card, an ecard or an email to tell her how much you care about her, how you appreciate her, how much you love her and how much she means to you. Don’t focus on the future too much for it might actually scare her away especially if you sound too clingy or needy. Instead, focus on the really good and loving moments you both had. Remind her of the things that are so special about her that made you fall in love with her. And when she finally calls, listen to what she has to say, talk to her gently, ask why she felt that she can’t continue being with you (if she still insists on not being with you), help her get into the bottom of that feeling so you both can analyze what brought on those negative feelings, whatever the outcome (this is where you’ll know if it’s because of neglect or someone new), don’t blame yourself or her or anyone for that matter. Putting the blame on someone even on you will only make things worse. If she still loves you, bring back the romance in your relationship. Get her to fall in love with you all over again. As Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. says, “women have very different needs from men” and from there, find out what she needs and strive to fulfill them. If it’s romance and affection that she needs, give her that. I’m sure you’ll find inspiration to winning your girl back. Good luck.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #4  May 13,2009, 11:47am
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I feel your pain. I would not contact your girl in any way. She already said she needed time so give her the time she needs to think about the relationship.

Up until now both of you were in school. During school she knew it was safe to fantasize about a future with you. Now both of you have graduated. She now realizes her fantasy could rapidly turn into reality and this is scaring her. Usually it is the men who get cold feet thinking about giving up their single lifestyle for one of a lifelong committment. Give her time and space. Good luck
 
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cgn is offline cgn Post #5  May 13,2009, 7:27pm
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Thank you for your input, I value anyones who have been through this kind of thing before.
I called her this afternoon, just to let her know how much I was thinking about her and asked her if she was
feeling like we could talk in person anytime soon. She said yes so we are meeting tommorrow night at 7. I am
thinking of taking her to the spot where I took her on our first date, the end of the beach nearby. I am hoping to remind her how much I truly love her. Any last tips? Should I do mostly listening, or talking? If she still says
that she doesnt feel the same way about me, should I continue to fight for her or just let her go (keep in mind that I am totally confident that she is the right person for me, and have no desire whatsoever to be without her)?
Thanks
 
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AdviceGuru is offline AdviceGuru Post #6  May 14,2009, 12:42am
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Good luck! I hope everything works out for you and your beloved.

As for fighting for your love or not? Do you think your relationship is worth fighting for? Is she open to the idea of still having a relationship with you? If your talk has a positive note to it, by all means fight for it. But if you think she won't be persuaded to stick it out with you and she's the type of girl who can't be persuaded then you have no choice but to gently let go. I have a feeling she might be getting cold feet at the realization that she's getting married sooner than expected.
 
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