Health problem to tell or not to tell?


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Nick76 is offline Nick76 Post #1  May 11,2009, 11:23am
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I have an issue with the dating process on eHarmony. It seems that when I am up front early on in the communication process about my non life threatening but moderately serious health problem my matches end communication with me. So, I wanted to know if there was a proper time to reveal my condition or should I just keep putting it out there early on so I don't waste anyone's time? Also, those of you who have dealt with this before do you find that knowing someone first before they tell you about their health makes hearing it less shocking?





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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #2  May 11,2009, 11:34am
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Well, it all depends on what your definition of the term "moderately serious" means.


To withhold information that concerns both partners, is wrong. However, unil there is some form of attraction, I see no need to "put it out there" for all the world to see. There are enough other reasons that matches close without even communicating.
 
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musmusculus is offline musmusculus Post #3  May 11,2009, 1:12pm
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I don't think it's necessary to mention any kind of illness until you've actually met face-to-face a couple of times. IMO, this is not being dishonest since there are probably things that your match is witholding too until she feels more comfortable talking with you. Definitely don't mention health issues in your profile or in your e-mail communications!


Now, if you have a medical problem that requires you to tote around equipment like an oxygen bottle, you should bring that up in a phone conversation before you meet.
 
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wordwoman is offline wordwoman Post #4  May 11,2009, 1:41pm
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musmusculus,613348 wrote :

I don't think it's necessary to mention any kind of illness until you've actually met face-to-face a couple of times. IMO, this is not being dishonest since there are probably things that your match is witholding too until she feels more comfortable talking with you. Definitely don't mention health issues in your profile or in your e-mail communications!


Now, if you have a medical problem that requires you to tote around equipment like an oxygen bottle, you should bring that up in a phone conversation before you meet.
+ 1


I did have a match that went into GREAT detail about his illness, and frankly, his "about me" read as ifdealing with his health problem was all consuming; it was TMI. Well, I was looking for a man to date, not a medical case study, so he got closed.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #5  May 11,2009, 1:54pm
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I have a serious health issue and it is not mentioned in my profile. Nor do I bring it up in conversations (verbal or written) immediately. I have found that (with regard to dating) mentioning a health issue early is a dealbreaker. I don't have a defined timeframe as to when I do mention it.


In answer to your question: yes. Also, another reason for holding back somewhat, is you may find yourself playing Twenty Questions re your illness with a stranger. Unless the person is in the medical profession, I'm not comfortable discussing the detail with a stranger.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  May 11,2009, 2:20pm
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In my opinion, you should not disclose any sort of medical problem voluntarily unless asked specifically, or it becomes relevant to the progressing relationship.
Often, the language people use to describe such things puts them erroneously into a binary concept (there is “healthy” and “not healthy,” when the truth is really somewhere in between for everyone.)


I do not think you need to be concerned about wasting other people’s time – it is their issue what they are screening for. I would be concerned about wasting your time, and I do think that many people will drop you, and I can see choosing to disclose sooner to minimize your investment.
 
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anita925 is offline anita925 Post #7  May 11,2009, 6:21pm
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D_Lion,613419 wrote :
In my opinion, you should not disclose any sort of medical problem voluntarily unless asked specifically, or it becomes relevant to the progressing relationship.
Often, the language people use to describe such things puts them erroneously into a binary concept (there is “healthy” and “not healthy,” when the truth is really somewhere in between for everyone.)


I do not think you need to be concerned about wasting other people’s time – it is their issue what they are screening for. I would be concerned about wasting your time, and I do think that many people will drop you, and I can see choosing to disclose sooner to minimize your investment.
D_Lion,


Do you know something about this that the rest of us don't know? If not, that was very sound advice for knowing so little about him. I agree that he needs to take care of himself. Wish I knew more of what he is dealing with. Maybe then, I could offer a woman's prospective. If you need to talk off-Board, I will listen. Try me at: anita @ zephyrbeads . com


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singinggirl is online now singinggirl Post #8  May 11,2009, 7:38pm
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OP, I think D-Lion gave you great advice. I wouldn't be opposed to dating someone with a health issue. I have 2 kids with some relatively serious health issues--not life-threatening, but important nonetheless. I have learned that in most relationships, I don'tbring upmy kids' problems until something comes up that requires that it be mentioned. Generally, unless you are in a relationship, it's no one else's business.


Good luck with your health and future relationships!
 
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Nick76 is offline Nick76 Post #9  May 14,2009, 12:45am
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D_Lion, singinggirl thank you. I got the most good out of your responses. I feel like you are honest but also on my side. I know that keeping it to myself would help me win dates and I need to try a new approach. I just feel the need to get it out there for some reason. Like a load off my back. I am tired of it becoming an issue once I get to know someone and have feelings. I also don't like to misrepresent myself I want the other person to like me the way I am. Does that make any sense?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  May 14,2009, 5:50am
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Nick76 wrote :
D_Lion, singinggirl thank you. I got the most good out of your responses. I feel like you are honest but also on my side. I know that keeping it to myself would help me win dates and I need to try a new approach. I just feel the need to get it out there for some reason. Like a load off my back. I am tired of it becoming an issue once I get to know someone and have feelings. I also don't like to misrepresent myself I want the other person to like me the way I am. Does that make any sense?
Well.......do you want dates or do you want a relationship? Withholding important health issues from a person will get you some dates, but as you already know, sooner or later you will have to tell and when you do, it may be a dealbreaker for the person you are dating.

To be frank with you, if I date someone and start liking them and only then they disclose something to me that I consider a dealbreaker, not only will I run, but I will feel somewhat betrayed by this individual - I will lose respect for them. Why? Because they were counting on the fact that if I get emotionally invested, I'll somehow overlook a dealbreaker - that is more than just dishonest, it's manipulative. The point is that if someone considers something to be dealbreaking, they will leave you regardless, so you may as well know that sooner rather than later.

My advice would be for you to disclose within the first 5 dates or so. Don't put it in your profile, and don't talk about it on date one or two. First figure out if either you or her actually want to proceed in the first place beyond just a couple of dates. However, shortly after that go ahead and disclose. Let the other person make an informed decision whether it's something they are willing to deal with or not before either one you start investing feelings and emotions into the relationship. My take on that is that it is that grace period where they like you and are thinking about possibly dating you however they are not yet emotionally invested so the information is something they'll consider in a positive light rather than an unpleasant shock.
 
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