lostgem is offline lostgem Post #1  May 10,2009, 10:08pm
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well here it goes. I was in a 4 year on again off again relationship with a man 15years older than me. Things started going wrong when he wanted to 'swing' threesomes, foursomes etc. He also has cheated at least 3 times that i am aware of overseas with Thai girls. I forgave him once, then twice but now i am over it. There are so many things that have occured during our relationship besides the cheating. I did love him once however i have no trust in him at all anymore, i still feel for him but i dont think i can be in love with him again. My children dislike him because of things he has done in the past but he says its not their business what has happended with us and they are trying to run my life. He wants to commit to me, buy a house together, get married and live happliy ever after however i dont feel i can do this even though i do believe he does love me.He promises he will never do anything to hurt me again and just wants to get on with life and expects me to put the past behind and move on with the future. My son says he will move to his dads house if i get back together with this guy, I dont want to lose my children or have them disrespect me i feel i need to put my children first and if they feel that strongly about him i dont feel this could ever work. Please give your thoughts, i already know the answer however i am just looking for reassurance that this could never work. He says i am cruel and mean because i dont call him and wont give him another chance. Why do i feel so guilty and sorry for him, why am i even thinking about this, i am so confused whats wrong with me?
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #2  May 11,2009, 4:34pm
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Why do i feel so guilty and sorry for him, why am i even thinking about this, i am so confused whats wrong with me?


You have a lot of soul searching to do young lady. Why are you even consideringgetting back together with this guy. He's stupid to think that your kids have no say in their mother's happiness. They do! Listen to them. I'd also re-read what you wrote above. It sounds incredible that you would even be speaking to this guy again.


1. Stop ALL contact with this guy and now. You seem to be very weak when it comes to him. I don't know if its a physical lust or something else but it seems that you loose all sense of reasonable thought if you talk to him. So stop.


2. Get out and date other guys! I don't mean get in a relationship with them or have emotionally damaging sex with them! I mean just get out and have fun. You'll realize there are actually options that you have and that you don't need to tolerate the kind of behavior that this guy did to you.


3. If needed, get counseling. Mabye this should be #1 instead of #3. But get it if you think you need it.


 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #3  May 12,2009, 1:14am
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lostgem, wrote :

well here it goes. I was in a 4 year on again off again relationship with a man 15years older than me. Things started going wrong when he wanted to 'swing' threesomes, foursomes etc. He also has cheated at least 3 times that i am aware of overseas with Thai girls. I forgave him once, then twice but now i am over it. There are so many things that have occured during our relationship besides the cheating. I did love him once however i have no trust in him at all anymore, i still feel for him but i dont think i can be in love with him again. My children dislike him because of things he has done in the past but he says its not their business what has happended with us and they are trying to run my life. He wants to commit to me, buy a house together, get married and live happliy ever after however i dont feel i can do this even though i do believe he does love me.He promises he will never do anything to hurt me again and just wants to get on with life and expects me to put the past behind and move on with the future. My son says he will move to his dads house if i get back together with this guy, I dont want to lose my children or have them disrespect me i feel i need to put my children first and if they feel that strongly about him i dont feel this could ever work. Please give your thoughts, i already know the answer however i am just looking for reassurance that this could never work. He says i am cruel and mean because i dont call him and wont give him another chance. Why do i feel so guilty and sorry for him, why am i even thinking about this, i am so confused whats wrong with me?
Yes you have the answer, stay strong and delete/block this guy from your life. NO more contact


Kids have more insight then we give them credit for. Listen to your son.
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #4  May 12,2009, 2:15am
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It seems you already know what you must do - you are looking for validation.


Children can be incredibly intuitive and they probably see things that you didn't initially when you were in the initial stages of this relationship. They have seen how he has hurt you over the years so no wonder they don't want anything to do with him.


He is placing the guilt on you in an effort to make you change your mind. Stop feeling guilty and do what you need to do which is get out of this relationship fast. Block his calls, his emails, heck even change the locks if he has a key but just remove him from your life.


Good luck
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  May 12,2009, 3:52am
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Wow....if anyone is manipulative and controlling it's the man that you are dating. You are feeling guilty because he is manipulating your perceptions. Your children are more than correct in their dislike of him. As others have already mentioned, children can be highly intuitive and they are not blinded by things like adults can be.


To put it really bluntly the man you've been dating is an absolute creep and there will not be a happy ending here. People do not change who they are. The question for you is not whether to dump him or not, by why on earth have you been putting up with this for so long and why are you still staying in touch with him. Kick him out of you life immediately, stop and block all contact. When you do that, make sure to surround yourself with friends, activities, a good support group so that you do not get tempted or even talked into getting back to together with him.


At the very least, think about your personal health. Going to Thailand, swinging? Are you kidding? Do you have any idea of the potential for diseases and HIV he could bring back to you? I hope you have checked yourself and have not ended up with any special presents from him. Either way, get out now and figure out why you would ever tolerate that kind of a relationship so you don't end up going back to him or end up in a similar situation again.
 
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glassonlyhalffull_fillit is offline glassonlyhalffull_fillit Post #6  May 12,2009, 4:19am
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Modded for this??


Yes you have the answer, stay strong and delete/block this guy from your life. NO more contact


Kids have more insight then we give them credit for. Listen to your son.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #7  May 12,2009, 5:58am
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Sorry to be harsh, but "are you kidding me"!!!! Reread your post and tell me if the things you have said about him are the qualities you want in a man!


He keeps coming back because you keep taking him back and he knows a sucker when he sees one. Sounds like he just wants a steady person to turn to when he can't get the otherstuff he wants.


Think about the values you are teaching your children with your acceptance of his behavior.


P.S. This post sounds very familiar to something from many months ago. Are you someone who keeps asking the same question over and over hoping that someone will tell you it's okay to take him back?
 
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lostgem is offline lostgem Post #8  May 13,2009, 2:09am
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Thanks for all your replies.
I am not hoping someone will say its ok to take him back, i am just looking for strength as he keeps telling me i am crazy not to take him back as he is offering me the world. I know its not the right thing to do and i dont want my children to think it is ok to be treated like i have an accept it.

There are so many things i could tell you but what it all boils down to is i am scared of what he will do to me as previously when i split with him he sued me and assualted me and even though i has a restraining orer on him the law let me down. I gave in at the end because i was scared of him.

I know what must be done and thanks so much.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #9  May 13,2009, 7:45am
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lostgem wrote :
..as he keeps telling me i am crazy not to take him back as he is offering me the world. ...
LG:

(Act IV) HE REALLY MEANS IT! He is very, very serious that he will never cheat on you! This is completely his intention TODAY!

The fact of the matter is that HE IS A SERIAL cheater and this WILL NEVER change! It's in his emotional make up.

He'll be really good for a month or two months or a year. But then you are going to find out he's running around again. And you'll be right back to Act IV where he swears he's changed.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #10  May 13,2009, 11:16am
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lostgem,

I advise you to RUN! RUN! RUN! and do not look back. This guy clearly does not know the meaning of the words committment, fidelity, or monogomous. He is clearly a loser from the word go. The last time I was in contact with guys like him was when I was in the Navy. I saw married men like him head to the nearest brothel everytime we hit port.

Hold on tight to your standards. Good luck
 
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