when to tell my secret??

hello all on this cyberspace advice board...


I'm just starting to date again after being on my own for quite a few years.


I have a condition that I'll have for life, but in the big scheme of things, really isn't a big deal once you've dealt with it. The biggest problem this condition causes me is when to tell a potential romantic partner about it. Well, that, and the stigma attached to it.


I've had a few guys break things off because of it, and others havesaid it's not a big deal. But, when to tell? Doesn't feel like first date material. However, it would almost feel like lying to have it go on for very longwithout them knowing.


When would you tell?


Oh, by the way, it's HSV2 (g.herpes) I'm talking about, a gift bestowed upon me by a cheating ex.

Have you also been tested for hsv1? Granted that this is not HIV it is a communicable disease. May want to ask your partner whether he's ever had a cold sore? Many people do not even know that a cold sore can be and usually is HSV1, the kissing disease. The last report I read showed that a large number of the adult population has HSV1. Check with your doctor for the results. If you were tested for HSV2 all probability that the doctor also tested for HSV1.

I've been on the receiving end of this news twice. On one occasion I thought it was handled extremely well, and it was a non-issue. On the other occasion it was handled extremely poorly and became a major stumbling block in the relationship.


The lady that handled it well was very "matter of fact" and understood that I wouldn't want to acquire the virus from her and was very understanding about my potential reaction (it probably helped that she is a Physician). She explained the situation (infection 3+ years earlier, daily does of anti-viral medication and no outbreaks since the initial infection) and also was very understanding about my potential reaction. I truly appreciated her direct and reasonable way of dealing with the matter. It didn't cause an issue, and after over two years of intimacy, she never had an outbreak and I didn't acquire the virus.


In the other situation, the women was quite emotional and irrational about it, and told me after we had been intimate. She positioned it as a "deal-breaker" and was completely unsympathetic to my desire not to acquire the virus. Ultimately, her unwillingness to consider my position and views in this and other areas ended the relationship.


Couple of points to make.


1. It's Herpes-not HIV. It just isn't that big of a deal.


2. No one wants to get Herpes.


3. If they haven't been down this road before, it will take some time to process.


4. In most cases, it isn't that contagious. I know several people that have never had a second outbreak.


5. You can look at as a good thing. If a guy is serious enough about you to risk getting Herpes, he is serious about you.





Don't give it too much energy. You're not alone, and it isn't that big of a deal.