Dating and paying for everything...


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granolatx is offline granolatx Post #1  April 28,2009, 3:58pm
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I'm disappointed that it is difficult for me to negotiate the whole guy-pays-for-everything on the date thing. I just don't want to pay for the date, especially if it doesn't go well. It seems that the culture has it stacked against the guy financially. I just don't want to pay for the date, or at the least I'll pay for me and she pays for her, we split it. I think my attitude is probably contributing to my lack of success on eHarmony.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  April 28,2009, 4:50pm
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Well, yeah; probably...lol. Especially if you make a big deal of it to potential dates.


Why not stick to free or low-cost activities, especially in the early stages of dating? Meet your matches for coffee the first time; nothing expensive (your date may well offer to pay, too; or at least cover her share...). Summer is coming up, which also means that there are lots of free outdoor activities that you can enjoy on a date (concerts, street fairs, etc.).


If you find someone you would like to date, then the two of you can negotiate the best way to deal with expenses. It may be a turnoff for some women, but there are plenty who are just fine with sharing costs (e.g., you take me to dinner this time, I'll treat you to a play next time...).
 
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Like2Bmarried is offline Like2Bmarried Post #3  April 28,2009, 5:08pm
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granolatx, wrote :

I'm disappointed that it is difficult for me to negotiate the whole guy-pays-for-everything on the date thing. I just don't want to pay for the date, especially if it doesn't go well. It seems that the culture has it stacked against the guy financially. I just don't want to pay for the date, or at the least I'll pay for me and she pays for her, we split it. I think my attitude is probably contributing to my lack of success on eHarmony.
I usually meet my matches for a cup of coffee first - sometimes I buy my own coffee (usually if I show up before he does), and sometimes he buys.


After that meeting, if he asks me out onthe date, then I do expect him to pay. That's kind of a no-brainer to me. I would be taken aback if I was asked out on a date and then told I had to pay 1/2. That's not really a date, IMO.


After the 1st date, if wego ona 2nd, I always offer to pay the entire bill. However, I have never had a man accept my request to pay. I then ask if I can pay 1/2, or leave the tip...whatever. I offer and it's up to the man to accept or refuse.


A lot depends on financial security of the two, the attitudes of the people involved, etc. In my case, I'm an executive and date other executives, so money hasn't been an issue. Of course, w/the economy, that could change!
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #4  April 28,2009, 7:38pm
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Granolatx, as mentioned in the movie "A Bronx Tale" dump her, and dump her fast (not if she doesn't reach over and unlock the safety button to let you in the car, but if the person you're dating doesn't offer to at least go dutch on the second or subsequentdates).


As a grad. student, I'm on a super tight budget but I manage to at least offer to go dutch on dates. There are some guys that are doing extremely well financially, and always refuse to allow me to pay (so I'm good with them paying). But (fortunately or unfortunately), the guys that usually win me over are the ones trying to save the world (i.e. work in public sector/non-profits and have a tight budget),so I offer to split the bill; many do accept.


I really feel bad for you guys; you definitely get the raw end of the deal in having to pay for dates.


Just to let you know, there are MANYwomen on here (and outstide of eharmony) who are considerate and don't have the "Queen" syndrome, which would entail believing she's doing you a favor by going out with you and expecting the guy to always pay. I have a brother, and my motto is to always treat the guys that I'm dating the same way that I'd like other women to treat my brother (which means not taking advantage of him and making him pay for everything).


As a woman, I'd highly recommend moving on if the girl you're dating doesn't offer to at least split the bill after a couple of dates (assuming she has the means to do so). It's not an issue of money (in my mind, and I suspect in yours, too), it's an issue of being considerate, sensitive, and thoughtful. I think you can tell a lot about a person based on these seemingly "small" things.


You're worth the time, effort, and money as much as the girl you're dating. Hopefully she recognizes this; if she doesn't then move on.....Next!





....Best wishes
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #5  April 28,2009, 8:20pm
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granolatx, wrote :

I'm disappointed that it is difficult for me to negotiate the whole guy-pays-for-everything on the date thing. I just don't want to pay for the date, especially if it doesn't go well. It seems that the culture has it stacked against the guy financially. I just don't want to pay for the date, or at the least I'll pay for me and she pays for her, we split it. I think my attitude is probably contributing to my lack of success on eHarmony.
If you're meeting women online and haven't corresponded much with them, a coffee date is the best way to go. Not to be cheap, but because in principle you shouldn't have to investtoo much in someone you don't know yet. If she's a decent women, she will value the company over the confines.


Guys have been conditioned to pay for dates. Our "eagerness," "willingness" even to pay for dates is genuine for the most part, but we also are aware ofwomen who are just offering to contribute to the bill just to see if the guy will accept the offer and get dumped. I agree with you Granola, I've bitten the bullet on many an occasion after meeting a woman on a lunch or dinner date who either insulted me, was just generally rude and not ladylike, or who misrepresented herself. It hurts to pony up the bill under those circumstances. But fortunately that hasn't happened to me very often.


If I've had the opportunity to get to know a woman on a base level through e-mail and a phone call or two, I am usually comfortable with a lunch/brunch date. I've only done a dinner date three times in recent memory, and onlyone of them went well. On one of the bad dates, the woman offered to split the bill and I accepted.


As I've mentioned before, and as you've stated, men do bear the financial burden during dating. Women often state that they also make a financial investment (i.e. in buying clothes for the date, going to the salon, etc.) I have to believe that if they're just meeting for coffee on the first date they're not dropping a Benjamin at the salon. Plus, the clothes they buy can be used on future dates. For men, once the bill is paid, that money is gone, it can't be used again. But paying for dates serves one important function that actually applies to today's times: It is considered chivalrous. It doesn't necessarily prove anything in terms of your ability to "take care of her," since these days she is probably just as gainfully employed (and maybe earning higher income) than the man.


There are legitimate arguments on both sides, there really are. The first place to start is getting to really know these women to ascertain whether they are good matches for you (and essentially good investments of your time and money). If they are, I'm sure you wouldn't have any problem paying for the entire date and showing her a good time. For those men who have had little dating experience prior to eHarmony, finding good women is a bit of trial and error -- and their wallet pays the price. Getting better at finding quality women will actually help your wallet in the long run rather than hurt it. For one, decent women will offer to contribute to paying for dates sooner rather than later, helping you save money in the process. Two, as you progress in the dating process you will probably be spending more time away from commercial venues (i.e. each other's homes), with possibly more home-cooked meals and simple dates such as flipping through scrapbooks with each other on a lazy afternoon with nothing more than time and pitcher of iced tea.


Look at the big picture granola =) When you find the right woman, you'll look back on it and surmise that it was worth it.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #6  April 28,2009, 9:35pm
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Not all women will expect the man to pay. It's not culture here for the man to pay, thoughsome will. My Dad always pays for us, unless I specify that I am taking them out to lunch/dinner.


About 90% of my dates, I've either paid in full or paid for my share of the bill. I never expect the man to pay. The few times where he paid for everthing, he was several years older and had been raised that the man always pays the bill.


I've never been to the hair dresser for a date, but I do always buy either a new item of clothing, make-up, ear-rings or perfume to wear. As tbesq points out though, they do get recycled for future use!
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #7  April 29,2009, 4:29am
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Meri75, I'm referring to dating habits here in the U.S. I know from my own experiences overseas that it is pretty common to go dutch. Men who do that here will not have much dating success in general. Yes, there are U.S. women who are OK with going dutch, but that practice is predominantly frowned upon here.
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #8  April 29,2009, 4:42am
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I think the focus on the bill becomes like your closing argument and leaves it on a negative note. So I would suggest to avoid this type of situation until you either work out an arrangement on who pays or feel she is worth paying for. Keep the date fun but inexpensive. By doing so you'll naturally weed out the ones that are more into the guy paying that actually getting to know you and considering it a kindness that you paid or split the bill.


It just creates a very ugly moment to see the bill and then...ok you pay. As really by doing that you are saying you don't want to invest $ in seeing where it will go. A girl that isn't interested may or may not step up to pay but it is fair even if interested and something I do as well as insist more than once if I really don't see it going somewhere.


Find creative dates though...take the $ out of the equation and impress her. You don't have to spend a fortune to have a good time and someone could spend a fortune and still come off cheap with how they treated their date. Show your good qualities...but most importantly treat your date as someone that you see value in.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #9  April 29,2009, 6:03am
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Dude,


If you can't afford to buy a pizza or a couple cheeseburgers at the local hangout, maybe you should put dating on hold for awhile.





You stated "I think my attitude is probably contributing to my lack of success on eHarmony". I think you're right about that. So why don't you change your MO and find things to do that you can afford? There's an almost unlimited number of low cost / no cost things to do that would interest most anyone who may have budget priorities.
 
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BlueEyedVal is offline BlueEyedVal Post #10  April 29,2009, 12:47pm
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As a woman, I'm looking for someone who is financially stable. If you can't afford, or don't want to pay for our first date, I'm sorry, but that's a big strike against anyone I'm dating. It wouldn't be a deal breaker, but it certainly isn't going in the plus column.


I appreciate a man who's a gentleman: gets my coat, pays for the first date (nothing extravagent, but still), etc. I always offer to pay after the first date, but it makes a big impression when the guy pays for the first date - ESPECIALLY if initiated and asked me out in the first place!


I've got to agree with you when you say this attitude is probably contributing to your lack of success on eH. Also, the fact that I've read two of your posts and they both start with "I'm disappointed." There's a certain vibe you're giving off that just isn't positive. That may be why you're not getting the kind of response you're looking for.
 
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