I, too, was sick and tired of hearing all the messages out there from dating experts who told women to play games, or that they were making "mistakes" and doing things "wrong." So I decided to find out straight from the guys themselves what they were really thinking. By interviewing 1,000 men from various demographics over 10 years, I really found clear, consistent patterns. It turns out that it's no one's "fault" when a first date doesn't turn into a second date, but rather the culprit is human nature. It's human nature for people to think that first impressions are accurate, when of course they rarely are. On a first date, most people are not showing their "true" selves-- perhaps they are nervous, overeager, drinking too much, had a bad day, whatever. So the "game" (if you want to call it that-- sure, it's a 4-letter word, but it's the reality of the early stages of the mating dance!), is to simply avoid what turns off most guys so you can get to the 2nd date and beyond where you can really get to know each other and make accurate judgments about whether he or she might be the right partner.


It's NOT AT ALL that I think you should pretend to be someone you're not-- but that you should encourage him to get to know who you really ARE by spending more time with you. If he jumps to false perceptions about you because you make a few little comments or gestures he misinterprets on the first date, he won't call you back and get to know you better. Maybe you don't WANT to go out with him again anyway, but I want you to have the OPTION to accept or decline his invitation when he calls. It's so rare to meet someone you truly like-- why risk even one guy not calling back in case he happens to be the one you really want to see again?


Of course, the same holds true for women declining second dates with men: which is why my research incluldes 100 interviews with WOMEN asking why they didn't go out again with a particular man.


The information I gathered from over 1,000 interviews is what it is.... you may disagree with or not like certain things, but better to know what men (and women) are thinking than to sit around and wonder what happened. Certainly not every person feels exactly the same way about all these dating scenarios, but enough people were saying the same types of things that patterns emerged in the data. These popular reasons are worth keeping in mind next time you're on a date because I can tell you from experience that the majority of my clients who used this information on future dates found the right person within a few short months.


And about the controversial thank-you email: as I mentioned initially, you should absolutely thank him sincerely on the night of the date--- but then let him make the next move if he's interested. That's just what the majority of the men indicated in my research.


Thanks for a lively dialogue on the topic of why someone doesn't call back-- I love hearing your thoughts!


all the best,


Rachel Greenwald