Q & A with relationship expert and author Rachel Greenwald!


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
HopefullLeigh is offline HopefullLeigh Post #1  April 7,2009, 9:32am
HopefullLeigh's Avatar

is feeling...hopeful....

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 18

See profile



Oh, I'm glad to see this question because this just happened to me. Had a date a over the weekend (Friday night) with a lovely guy I matched with on eHarmony. Date seemed great, he kissed me at the end of the evening, on the cheek, close to the mouth with a nice hug, too. Said, "we have to do this again, soon, I'll call you in the next day or so".


Great, I'm excited, looking forward to seeing him, but here it is over four days later and not a peep, not even a response to the thank you note I emailed him on Saturday morning.


So I get that it's possible that he did not like me, and I accept that, but, why the KISS? Why the very enthusiastic closing? Why not just a vague, "thanks, this is fun, we should try to do it again"?


Why act like you liked me so much when you really have no intention of following through? Better yet why not just respond to my email and be honest?
 
  Reply With Quote
tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  April 7,2009, 10:09am
tweet37's Avatar

has all the tools and can........satisfy

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2008

New Jersey

Posts: 7,318

See profile



He probably read the other guy's book that says to wait a week or so before calling. You don't want to be percieved as needy or clingy,...dintcha' know?
 
  Reply With Quote
Rachel_Greenwald is offline Rachel_Greenwald Post #3  April 7,2009, 1:46pm

Matchmaker, Dating Coach and Author

Writer

Joined: Apr 2009

Posts: 9

See profile

HopefullLeigh,567216 wrote :

Oh, I'm glad to see this question because this just happened to me. Had a date a over the weekend (Friday night) with a lovely guy I matched with on eHarmony. Date seemed great, he kissed me at the end of the evening, on the cheek, close to the mouth with a nice hug, too. Said, "we have to do this again, soon, I'll call you in the next day or so".


Great, I'm excited, looking forward to seeing him, but here it is over four days later and not a peep, not even a response to the thank you note I emailed him on Saturday morning.


So I get that it's possible that he did not like me, and I accept that, but, why the KISS? Why the very enthusiastic closing? Why not just a vague, "thanks, this is fun, we should try to do it again"?


Why act like you liked me so much when you really have no intention of following through? Better yet why not just respond to my email and be honest?
Hi HopefulLeigh,


I'm so glad you asked, because I interviewed 1,000 men for my new book "Why He Didn't Call YOu Back." I've spent the past 10 years conducting this dating research, and finally have the answers behind those mysterious disappearances! Men told me the top ten "date-breakers" and there are two things in particular that relate to your situation.


#1: Never send a "thank you email or text" after a date. While most guys said they do appreciate the gesture and it's polite, they admit that deep down they think it means you like them and want to see them again. Yes, he probably wanted to see you too, but men like the chase! They want to think that seeing you again is THEIR idea. Your email was a form of pursuing him on a subliminal level, and the research showed that many guys actually felt deflated by those emails. Next time, just make sure to thank him sincerely and genuinely at the end of the night: no further "thanks AGAIN" necessary by email.


#2: A kiss can often be a "tester kiss" rather than a sign he's into you. A lot of guys in my interviews described how the date was "fine"--- not great, but not bad. They said they often wanted to kiss the woman to "test" whether there was physical chemistry before deciding whether to ask her out again. Some men described women's kisses revealing bad breath or weird tongue motions, but often the kiss just lacked passion and that missing element put them over the fence into the "no call-back" category.


It sounds to me like he had a good evening, but after weighing what he liked about you and what he didn't like, he decided there wasn't long-term potential. I believe men misperceive women without spending more time to really get to know them. First impressions are so tricky: it's like you're an inkblot, and while YOU know you're a butterfly, he sees an airplane. I bet you did nothing "wrong" but without a second date, he didn't get to know you well enough to make an accurate decision. Next time, don't send that thank-you email (just thank him sincerely at the end of the date), and if your kiss "vibe" was more polite than passionate, consider putting more fire into it. Next time you'll get the call back, and then YOU can decide if you want to accept or decline his inviation. Next time you'll be in the driver's seat, now that you know some of this information that guys revealed in my interviews.


All the best,


Rachel Greenwald


Author, Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  April 7,2009, 4:43pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

NJ

Posts: 30,743

See profile

HopefullLeigh,567216 wrote :

Oh, I'm glad to see this question because this just happened to me. Had a date a over the weekend (Friday night) with a lovely guy I matched with on eHarmony. Date seemed great, he kissed me at the end of the evening, on the cheek, close to the mouth with a nice hug, too. Said, "we have to do this again, soon, I'll call you in the next day or so".


Great, I'm excited, looking forward to seeing him, but here it is over four days later and not a peep, not even a response to the thank you note I emailed him on Saturday morning.


So I get that it's possible that he did not like me, and I accept that, but, why the KISS? Why the very enthusiastic closing? Why not just a vague, "thanks, this is fun, we should try to do it again"?


Why act like you liked me so much when you really have no intention of following through? Better yet why not just respond to my email and be honest?
I think you should not worry so much over this scenario. (Be worried, just not that[/i] worried!)


During the work week, guess what? I work! Yea, at a jay-oh-bee! This means I do not call women to talk about her favorite TV celebrities or other drivel. Not calling Every Day does not[/i] mean I am not interested.


Point two, a kiss is standard operation procedure (SOP.) It is to see if she is a total prude.


Or, he may even be busy. I think you should give him two weeks (or more) without clingy-ness … then, after he asks you for another date, poke him for his falling off the face of the earth.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #5  April 7,2009, 4:52pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

NJ

Posts: 30,743

See profile

Rachel_Greenwald,567440 wrote :

#1: Never send a "thank you email or text" after a date. While most guys said they do appreciate the gesture and it's polite, they admit that deep down they think it means you like them and want to see them again. Yes, he probably wanted to see you too, but men like the chase! They want to think that seeing you again is THEIR idea. Your email was a form of pursuing him on a subliminal level, and the research showed that many guys actually felt deflated by those emails. Next time, just make sure to thank him sincerely and genuinely at the end of the night: no further "thanks AGAIN" necessary by email.
If I buy a woman anything and do not receive a sincere thank you, there is no chance I will buy that greedy wretch anything ever again. Full stop.


I agree that in person is better. But, if you failed in the moment, it had better come by the e-mail. (Better is to ask the man out directly, for the second date.)


FYI: if you want the chase, La Perla under the bed works.
 
  Reply With Quote
HopefullLeigh is offline HopefullLeigh Post #6  April 8,2009, 9:42am
HopefullLeigh's Avatar

is feeling...hopeful....

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2009

Posts: 18

See profile



Thanks everyone for the replies. I think now I have even less faith in men than I did before.





It seems like we have to play mind games and pretend to be somethhing we're not to be successful in dating. If that is the case, I think I would rather be alone! Either that or I need to keep drudging through the guys who dump me because they prefer to chase down and tame a b*tch, until I meet a guy who will be happy to find someone who is not afraid to just say and act as she feels instead of putting on airs. If such a guy even exists that is!!?


Why does it have to be so complicated?????
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  April 8,2009, 11:57am
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

HopefullLeigh,568348 wrote :

Thanks everyone for the replies. I think now I have even less faith in men than I did before.





It seems like we have to play mind games and pretend to be somethhing we're not to be successful in dating. If that is the case, I think I would rather be alone! Either that or I need to keep drudging through the guys who dump me because they prefer to chase down and tame a b*tch, until I meet a guy who will be happy to find someone who is not afraid to just say and act as she feels instead of putting on airs. If such a guy even exists that is!!?


Why does it have to be so complicated?????
I'm with you Leigh. The intricacies of trying to figure out "How will what I do be interpreted?" are endless. I say do what feels right to you and don't worry about how someone else might or might not interpret this. Personally, I think whether a woman emailed to thank me for a nice date would have very little affect on whether I asked her out again. Much more significant would simply be how much I liked her. If it turns out this guy doesn't call you again I'd just chalk it up to him not being interested enough to want to see you again. Don't castigate yourself for having 'done something wrong' with your thank you email. Hang in there.
 
  Reply With Quote
charlieT123 is offline charlieT123 Post #8  April 8,2009, 1:01pm
charlieT123's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2007

Kansas City

Posts: 61

See profile



Wow...i don't have a problem with Rachel telling us what her research with men has shown. Is it sad that men might see a kind and friendly gesture in a negative way? i suppose. But it is important to know the truth...regardless of what you think of the truth.


I think it is a given on a community discussion board that the expert doesn't know all the details of a particular situation. HopefullLeigh certainly knows that. this is just general guidance. All advice must be taken with the knowledge that it is general.


I can tell you that in my case...if I got a thank you note after a date, that would be perceived as odd behavior. Maybe that makes me a bad person...but I've dated for years and that has never happened.


I know there is a bit of a "dance" during courtship and dating. It comes in many forms and perhaps the word "game" is offputting to you. But that is what is going on. flirting can be seen as a game if you choose, and I think it is one of the best parts of dating.


that's my two cents.


and rachel...I have a question from a guys perspective. Was there any one female behavior that made men consistenly say, "oh yes...i'm definately calling her for a 2nd date."?
 
  Reply With Quote
Rachel_Greenwald is offline Rachel_Greenwald Post #9  April 8,2009, 1:08pm

Matchmaker, Dating Coach and Author

Writer

Joined: Apr 2009

Posts: 9

See profile



I, too, was sick and tired of hearing all the messages out there from dating experts who told women to play games, or that they were making "mistakes" and doing things "wrong." So I decided to find out straight from the guys themselves what they were really thinking. By interviewing 1,000 men from various demographics over 10 years, I really found clear, consistent patterns. It turns out that it's no one's "fault" when a first date doesn't turn into a second date, but rather the culprit is human nature. It's human nature for people to think that first impressions are accurate, when of course they rarely are. On a first date, most people are not showing their "true" selves-- perhaps they are nervous, overeager, drinking too much, had a bad day, whatever. So the "game" (if you want to call it that-- sure, it's a 4-letter word, but it's the reality of the early stages of the mating dance!), is to simply avoid what turns off most guys so you can get to the 2nd date and beyond where you can really get to know each other and make accurate judgments about whether he or she might be the right partner.


It's NOT AT ALL that I think you should pretend to be someone you're not-- but that you should encourage him to get to know who you really ARE by spending more time with you. If he jumps to false perceptions about you because you make a few little comments or gestures he misinterprets on the first date, he won't call you back and get to know you better. Maybe you don't WANT to go out with him again anyway, but I want you to have the OPTION to accept or decline his invitation when he calls. It's so rare to meet someone you truly like-- why risk even one guy not calling back in case he happens to be the one you really want to see again?


Of course, the same holds true for women declining second dates with men: which is why my research incluldes 100 interviews with WOMEN asking why they didn't go out again with a particular man.


The information I gathered from over 1,000 interviews is what it is.... you may disagree with or not like certain things, but better to know what men (and women) are thinking than to sit around and wonder what happened. Certainly not every person feels exactly the same way about all these dating scenarios, but enough people were saying the same types of things that patterns emerged in the data. These popular reasons are worth keeping in mind next time you're on a date because I can tell you from experience that the majority of my clients who used this information on future dates found the right person within a few short months.


And about the controversial thank-you email: as I mentioned initially, you should absolutely thank him sincerely on the night of the date--- but then let him make the next move if he's interested. That's just what the majority of the men indicated in my research.


Thanks for a lively dialogue on the topic of why someone doesn't call back-- I love hearing your thoughts!


all the best,


Rachel Greenwald
 
  Reply With Quote
Rachel_Greenwald is offline Rachel_Greenwald Post #10  April 8,2009, 1:20pm

Matchmaker, Dating Coach and Author

Writer

Joined: Apr 2009

Posts: 9

See profile



charlieT123,568503 wrote :


Wow...i don't have a problem with Rachel telling us what her research with men has shown. Is it sad that men might see a kind and friendly gesture in a negative way? i suppose. But it is important to know the truth...regardless of what you think of the truth.


I think it is a given on a community discussion board that the expert doesn't know all the details of a particular situation. HopefullLeigh certainly knows that. this is just general guidance. All advice must be taken with the knowledge that it is general.


I can tell you that in my case...if I got a thank you note after a date, that would be perceived as odd behavior. Maybe that makes me a bad person...but I've dated for years and that has never happened.


I know there is a bit of a "dance" during courtship and dating. It comes in many forms and perhaps the word "game" is offputting to you. But that is what is going on. flirting can be seen as a game if you choose, and I think it is one of the best parts of dating.


that's my two cents.


and rachel...I have a question from a guys perspective. Was there any one female behavior that made men consistenly say, "oh yes...i'm definately calling her for a 2nd date."?


Charlie, Thank you for your very wise comments, and to answer your question, YES, there is a whole section in my book about why a man DID call a woman back for a 2nd date, and even why he started to envision her as someone with "future wife potential." It may sound a little boring when you first hear this reason, but as guys began to give me examples, it made perfect sense. They said that when a woman was "nice, kind, thoughtful and/or considerate" they knew she might be the type of person they could spend a lifetime with. So they asked her out again to get to know her better.


These traits were conveyed in small comments or gestures. Here are two direct quotes from my research to demonstrate:






“We met for coffee at Starbucks, and we were at that side bar—you know where you put milk or sugar in your drink?—and she accidentally spilled a little sugar from the packet onto the counter top. No big deal, right? Except she actually took a napkin and wiped up after herself! I asked her why [she did that], and she told me it just seemed polite so the next person wouldn’t have to look at someone else’s mess. If it was me, I’d just leave whatever I spilled and figure the staff would clean it up… It was just a small thing, but it impressed me how thoughtful she was.”- Brian, age 34, Denver, CO

“When the restaurant hostess said something rude to us, I was upset. But [my date] calmed me down by saying, ‘Oh, it’s not her fault. She’s probably having a really bad night with this crowd.’ …I was very taken with her empathy.”- Ron, age 32, New York, NY
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Fantasy Versus Reality | Ask a Dating Expert | My boyfriend is having a baby with another woman »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:50am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0