Q & A with relationship expert and author Rachel Greenwald!


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sugarbomb is offline sugarbomb Post #41  April 11,2009, 7:45pm
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My experience simplifies it much more than that. After the first date you either FEEL something special or not. If he doesn't FEEL it he won't pursue it, even if you don't text thank you. If he sees interest in forms of shyness, he will feel empowered to be the man, to take care of you to say HEY I FEEL IT TO, let's make it happen.


If he doesn't feel empowered or chemistry he will not pursue it. No matter what games you play. You can't fake chemistry. DONT be offended the other side doesn't feel it. You guys are just two mismatch peices of magnets. Men chase after the perfect magnetic matches, not games,to a point where the woman naturallyruns away. Those are the best physical connections because they want you so badly. Don't wonder and mess around with medicore connections, else you will be soooooo missing out!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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Rachel_Greenwald is offline Rachel_Greenwald Post #42  April 12,2009, 9:58am

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sugarbomb,574142 wrote :


My experience simplifies it much more than that. After the first date you either FEEL something special or not. If he doesn't FEEL it he won't pursue it, even if you don't text thank you. If he sees interest in forms of shyness, he will feel empowered to be the man, to take care of you to say HEY I FEEL IT TO, let's make it happen.


If he doesn't feel empowered or chemistry he will not pursue it. No matter what games you play. You can't fake chemistry. DONT be offended the other side doesn't feel it. You guys are just two mismatch peices of magnets. Men chase after the perfect magnetic matches, not games,to a point where the woman naturallyruns away. Those are the best physical connections because they want you so badly. Don't wonder and mess around with medicore connections, else you will be soooooo missing out!!!!!!!!!!!!!





I'd been hearing some form of this "you either feel it or you don't" or "there was just no chemistry" for years as a Dating Coach with my clients. I began to wonder, "WHY do you feel it or not?" and "WHY is there, or isn't there, chemistry?" It seemed to me that there must be tangible reasons that cause this elusive chemical reaction. That's why I wanted to conduct all these in-depth Exit Interviews with over 1,000 men and women to test my theory.


Initially everyone tried to give me the "glib" reply about chemistry, as if it's totally beyond one's control: i.e., "I didn't call her back because there wasn't any chemisty." But as I probed with both men and women and asked detailed questions such as, "What was your first impression of her when you met face to face?", "What do you remember that he wore?", "What do you remember that she said?", or "What did a woman do or say on a different date where you knew immediately you DID want to see her again?".... consistent patterns emerged.


Sure, there's always a bit of unexplained magic in romantic encounters based on sight, sound, smell, etc. But my interviews revealed that the outcome of a first date was more under your control than you might think. By avoiding certain common pitfalls (comments and gestures that emerged in my book as the Top 10 Reasons men and women don't call back) and by emphasizing certain traits that most people DO seek when looking for a committed relationship (kindness was the #1 trait revealed), you can improve your dating results going forward so you never have to settle for mediocre connections, but rather you can retain the person you most want to be with.


all the best,


Rachel Greenwald
 
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zinggrrl is offline zinggrrl Post #43  April 12,2009, 12:47pm
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D_Lion,567607 wrote :

HopefullLeigh,567216 wrote :


Oh, I'm glad to see this question because this just happened to me. Had a date a over the weekend (Friday night) with a lovely guy I matched with on eHarmony. Date seemed great, he kissed me at the end of the evening, on the cheek, close to the mouth with a nice hug, too. Said, "we have to do this again, soon, I'll call you in the next day or so".


Great, I'm excited, looking forward to seeing him, but here it is over four days later and not a peep, not even a response to the thank you note I emailed him on Saturday morning.


So I get that it's possible that he did not like me, and I accept that, but, why the KISS? Why the very enthusiastic closing? Why not just a vague, "thanks, this is fun, we should try to do it again"?


Why act like you liked me so much when you really have no intention of following through? Better yet why not just respond to my email and be honest?


I think you should not worry so much over this scenario. (Be worried, just not that[/i] worried!)


During the work week, guess what? I work! Yea, at a jay-oh-bee! This means I do not call women to talk about her favorite TV celebrities or other drivel. Not calling Every Day does not[/i] mean I am not interested.


Point two, a kiss is standard operation procedure (SOP.) It is to see if she is a total prude.


Or, he may even be busy. I think you should give him two weeks (or more) without clingy-ness … then, after he asks you for another date, poke him for his falling off the face of the earth.
I have been on EH only a few days and have a few in the "interested" column. Overall, I am pleased witht the men I have been matched with. I have friends that have encouraged me to be the "agressor" as some men are shy and feel like "she will never go out with me". I decided not to follow this advice as I want a man who will take the lead in the relationship. I think that my decision was just confirmed by your thread about women being perceived as too anxious. Its a shame that in this world that we live in, women are encouraged to take the lead...and then we wonder why there are so many weak men out there...and why so many women get hurt in relationships.
 
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PerthByrd is offline PerthByrd Post #44  April 14,2009, 2:27am
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D_Lion,570907 wrote :

PerthByrd,570254 wrote :


Igot home and sent an short text just saying 'thank you for a lovely evening'


since then, nothing! . . . . :-)


How long ago? A few of the people here, especially it seems the older ones, like some kind check-in that she got home okay.
It would have been a month ago now, at least, and he did not respond to the text either, which i thought was a bit odd. But I'm not one to chase so I left it there.
 
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jet2there is offline jet2there Post #45  April 14,2009, 8:15am
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Rachel_Greenwald,567440 wrote :

HopefullLeigh,567216 wrote :


Oh, I'm glad to see this question because this just happened to me. Had a date a over the weekend (Friday night) with a lovely guy I matched with on eHarmony. Date seemed great, he kissed me at the end of the evening, on the cheek, close to the mouth with a nice hug, too. Said, "we have to do this again, soon, I'll call you in the next day or so".


Great, I'm excited, looking forward to seeing him, but here it is over four days later and not a peep, not even a response to the thank you note I emailed him on Saturday morning.


So I get that it's possible that he did not like me, and I accept that, but, why the KISS? Why the very enthusiastic closing? Why not just a vague, "thanks, this is fun, we should try to do it again"?


Why act like you liked me so much when you really have no intention of following through? Better yet why not just respond to my email and be honest?


Hi HopefulLeigh,


I'm so glad you asked, because I interviewed 1,000 men for my new book "Why He Didn't Call YOu Back." I've spent the past 10 years conducting this dating research, and finally have the answers behind those mysterious disappearances! Men told me the top ten "date-breakers" and there are two things in particular that relate to your situation.


#1: Never send a "thank you email or text" after a date. While most guys said they do appreciate the gesture and it's polite, they admit that deep down they think it means you like them and want to see them again. Yes, he probably wanted to see you too, but men like the chase! They want to think that seeing you again is THEIR idea. Your email was a form of pursuing him on a subliminal level, and the research showed that many guys actually felt deflated by those emails. Next time, just make sure to thank him sincerely and genuinely at the end of the night: no further "thanks AGAIN" necessary by email.


#2: A kiss can often be a "tester kiss" rather than a sign he's into you. A lot of guys in my interviews described how the date was "fine"--- not great, but not bad. They said they often wanted to kiss the woman to "test" whether there was physical chemistry before deciding whether to ask her out again. Some men described women's kisses revealing bad breath or weird tongue motions, but often the kiss just lacked passion and that missing element put them over the fence into the "no call-back" category.


It sounds to me like he had a good evening, but after weighing what he liked about you and what he didn't like, he decided there wasn't long-term potential. I believe men misperceive women without spending more time to really get to know them. First impressions are so tricky: it's like you're an inkblot, and while YOU know you're a butterfly, he sees an airplane. I bet you did nothing "wrong" but without a second date, he didn't get to know you well enough to make an accurate decision. Next time, don't send that thank-you email (just thank him sincerely at the end of the date), and if your kiss "vibe" was more polite than passionate, consider putting more fire into it. Next time you'll get the call back, and then YOU can decide if you want to accept or decline his inviation. Next time you'll be in the driver's seat, now that you know some of this information that guys revealed in my interviews.


All the best,


Rachel Greenwald


Author, Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date
Thank you for this informative post. How interesting. We've all been there, and usually end up blaming ourselves. I know I have! I really do have to wonder about the 'thank you email' thing, though. I used to just say 'thanks' at the end of the evening and let it go at that...regardless of how much fun I had. Then, I once had a horribly nasty hate email from a guy who told me that I was 'ungrateful' and clearly not honest with him about my feelings for him, because "it was already Tuesday, and he hadn't even had so much as a thank you." Well, obviously this guy was not a nice person, but it got me thinking, and I did send thank you emails for awhile after that...whether or not I wanted to see the person again. In a couple of instances, I DID want to see them, and they never wrote back. Now, I think I understand why. Great post!
 
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Karly is offline Karly Post #46  April 14,2009, 5:44pm
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Hey Leigh!!


Just to wish you the best!!


You are right in something... This is soooooo complicated!!! but we have to play the games, be smart, and keep moving forward!!


Good luck!!
 
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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #47  April 15,2009, 11:22am
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I want to thank everyone for participating in this fascinating discussion with relationship expert & author Rachel Greenwald.


Extra special thanks to Rachel for taking time out of her very busy schedule to so throughfully reply to our questions and comments with her informative and insightful input.


This thread will be locked but will remain on our boards as an resource for our current and future Members.


Best,
-Lori
 
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eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #48  April 15,2009, 2:53pm

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That’s right. Rachel Greenwald has done the dirty work. She’s learned about the real reasons that men say, “I had a great time tonight,” and then disappear – never to call again.


Although the Q&A event is over, wehave leftthis thread up on the site as a resource for our Community Members.
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #49  February 5,2010, 7:42pm
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Walter

I'll put in my two cents. I think politeness has it's place in dating but too much politeness can actually be a turn off! That is because dating is about mating/sex/passion and being too polite can feel too constricted, too formal perhaps. Even polite considerate people like a little mystery, a little not knowing, flirtation. Yes, they want a good person but they want to "game", too. Even older people like a little "game"!

I think letting the man know you appreciate him is imperative...but do it in a sexy, fun way that doesn't feel like you are a school marm!

That is my take on the Thank You note issue.

[quote=waltercl;560610]I would wonder somewhat about the demographics of these guys who are turned off because someone sent a pleasant thank you email after the first date. I'm conservative and a little on the shy side, and I can tell you without a doubt that if someone I enjoyed being with emailed me to thank me and tell me they had a nice time then it would GUARANTEE a 2nd date. Most of the guys that are like myself would feel the same way. I'm also thinking those who are looking more for a serious long-term relationship would also feel this way. I can see how the "player" and serial dater types might not like it because dating to them is all about the hunt and the chase. The thing is once they've had enough time with you they're going to move on to the next conquest. How long can you play the "hard to get" game to catch their interest. IMHO if he's the type that is turned off by this type of nice gesture then he's not someone you want to be with unless of course you're into the same dating game playing.
 
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beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #50  February 5,2010, 9:02pm
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I was going to ask a question , but I figure not now. I don't think that the advice given was exactly correct....to put it mildly......

I don't think that all men should be viewed as players and that as women should be worried about what to do or not to do. I am not starting to stepping on egg shells to alleviate the situation. To do that, means being subservient, and I don't go there. I am not feminist, just someone with a back bone. And she , the OP shouldnt' either.

Just my opinion.....
 
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