HELP!He Said He's Never been 'in love' before!


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FirewomanLynne is offline FirewomanLynne Post #1  April 1,2009, 6:58pm
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How do you date a (42 year old) man whosay's he's never been 'in love' before? I've been dating this man for 6 months now. He's the greatest guy I've ever met! He's unbelievably good looking, funny, caring, he's got a great big heart but say's that he's never 'fallen in love' with a woman before. He has had a serious relationship before, that lasted 6 years, he saidhe loved her, but wasn't 'in love' with her. Or at least he didn't think so.....


I mean, HELLO? You know if your 'in love' or not! Loving someone and being 'in love' with someone is two different feelings right?! I went on to ask him if he is even capable of falling 'in love', and his answer was "I think so". And went on to tell me that he was so tired of women playing around with him and on him. That whenever he would date a woman she would always cheat or have some other guys on the side.


I am falling in love with man and I don't know what to do. I met him here on e harmony and we both agree we have both never been so compatible with someone before and get along perfectly, in every way. I keep telling myself that he just needs to see that I am not like the others and will not 'play him' like the others did. Because boy were they fools to treat him like that, they didn't know what they had, but I do.


Yet, I am scared. I mean is it possible to go 42 years and to NEVER have fallen in love? Advice please!!!
 
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meanminicooper is offline meanminicooper Post #2  April 1,2009, 7:12pm
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Some people dont value "being in love" as having a high priority in their life. Some people claim to have been in love many times. It all depends on what type of personality this guy is.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #3  April 1,2009, 9:25pm
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That is something to be concerned about as he may be very closed off. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that the women in his life needed more.
 
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eek is offline eek Post #4  April 1,2009, 9:43pm
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I'd be willing to bet that he isn't being 100% honest with you here. Perhaps he doesn't want to hand you that position of power over him because it's been used against him so many times in the past. I don't blame him. I find it extremely hard to keep putting myself so far out there only to be stomped on and taken advantage of.


Time will tell, I wouldn't sweat it.
 
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FirewomanLynne is offline FirewomanLynne Post #5  April 4,2009, 6:50am
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eek,559766 wrote :

I'd be willing to bet that he isn't being 100% honest with you here. Perhaps he doesn't want to hand you that position of power over him because it's been used against him so many times in the past. I don't blame him. I find it extremely hard to keep putting myself so far out there only to be stomped on and taken advantage of.


Time will tell, I wouldn't sweat it.
You know, I think your right about him not wanting to hand over that kind of power. He is a man that holds a very Powerful positionwith his career. He knows what power is and what it does. Now that you have said that it makes sense. I remember that one of my first impressions of him was that he was oozing with power, not in a bad way mind you. When he was telling me about his career, he has always held positions like Vice President of large corporations. He now owns and runs 3 companies. I think that maybe holding that kind of power makes it hard to give someone else power, especially over something like your heart. And yes, he has been stepped on by women before. Which is too bad because as powerful as he is, when it comes to him personally, he's got a huge heart and does show it.


I guess your right, time will tell.


I'll tell you this though, sometimes I'm ashamed to be a women. Because of all those women out there that use and play around with men. And as you said 'stomp' on hearts. Why??? Why do that? Yeah, I know the reason. Because they had thier hearts stepped on so they do the same right? Well, I don't think that way. I believe that if you know how bad it hurts, why would you want to do that to someone else? You know how it feels, don't lower yourself to that level. But that's just me I guess.....
 
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FirewomanLynne is offline FirewomanLynne Post #6  April 4,2009, 6:54am
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bigfincat,559734 wrote :

That is something to be concerned about as he may be very closed off. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that the women in his life needed more.
What do you mean by "Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that the women in his life needed more."?
 
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tasmanian is offline tasmanian Post #7  April 4,2009, 7:11am
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Some people confuse love with lust, they are 2 different things, i think it's possable to be in a relationship for 6month's or more and never to fall in love. i don't think you can put a time limit on it. I'll be 44 soon and have never gotten to the i'm in love with her thing also, i've been in long term relationships many time's andi cared about them deeply,but it just wasn't love,i know i'm capable of it ,but it just hasn't happened yet
 
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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #8  April 4,2009, 7:34am
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I think it is very possible that a man or a woman cand live several decades into adult life and have romantic caring relationships without being deeply in love. On the positive side, this could be great that he has shared with you that intimate look into his relationships. He is opening himself to trusting you and knows that there may be more to offer if he falls deeply in love. Perhaps he was abosorbing *absorbing some intuitive sense that all was not perfect in the previous relationships. He has also shared a glimpse into the pain he felt/feels when in a relationship where the women are interested in being with him without the natural loving exchange of feelings that grow into love. So his shyaring *sharing that info with you is important.


Your question about his capacity to deep love was very wise. I suggest you also try to see if his love and time with you will be valued right up there with his career needs. Will he be a workaholic? Or will he strive for balance?
 
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FirewomanLynne is offline FirewomanLynne Post #9  April 4,2009, 7:40am
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tasmanian,563090 wrote :

Some people confuse love with lust, they are 2 different things, i think it's possable to be in a relationship for 6month's or more and never to fall in love. i don't think you can put a time limit on it. I'll be 44 soon and have never gotten to the i'm in love with her thing also, i've been in long term relationships many time's andi cared about them deeply,but it just wasn't love,i know i'm capable of it ,but it just hasn't happened yet
WOW!!! Really! So then he's not the only man in his 40's that hasn't ever fallen in love! Well thanks for letting me know! I appreciate it!


Well, I hope it happens to you! It's one of the GREATEST feelings in the world!
 
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FirewomanLynne is offline FirewomanLynne Post #10  April 4,2009, 8:24am
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wishamee,563104 wrote :

I think it is very possible that a man or a woman cand live several decades into adult life and have romantic caring relationships without being deeply in love. On the positive side, this could be great that he has shared with you that intimate look into his relationships. He is opening himself to trusting you and knows that there may be more to offer if he falls deeply in love. Perhaps he was abosorbing *absorbing some intuitive sense that all was not perfect in the previous relationships. He has also shared a glimpse into the pain he felt/feels when in a relationship where the women are interested in being with him without the natural loving exchange of feelings that grow into love. So his shyaring *sharing that info with you is important.


Your question about his capacity to deep love was very wise. I suggest you also try to see if his love and time with you will be valued right up there with his career needs. Will he be a workaholic? Or will he strive for balance?
Hi Wishamee!


Wow! Thank you foryour insite! Your advice and words have made me feel a lot better! I hadn't thought of it that way! Your right, it is important that he is sharing that with me.


About him being a workaholic? He is somewhat. He owns and runs 3 companies that do take up a lot of his time. Durring the week he does work late, usually till 8 or 9pm. But he calls me as soon as he gets home and every night we spend hours on the phone talking, most night's untill 1 in the morning! When we realize the time, we both can't believe it, it feels like we just got on the phone! But everyFriday he leaves work early and comes over and spends most of the weekend at my house untill Sunday night when he plays Hockey. However, it has been known to happen that he has to go in to work late Saturday morning for a while.


But he is always telling me that he wishes that he had more time for us to spend together, and that he's working on it. The 3rd company is something he had only recently taken over(around the time he met me). And he is always saying "don't worry, it won't always be like this" and that he is taking steps now to change that and give someone else more responsibility so he has more time off. Actually, he wants try and make it so that he only works 4 days a week, especially in time for the summer.


I guess that is striving for balance right?
 
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