pukeko is offline pukeko Post #1  March 7,2009, 7:53pm
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has a long report due Thursday and still not even .5 there. **headache**

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I have been seeing this guy for 2 months now and he's a very sweet guy except he is not very expressive and we don't talk much when we are together. I still don't know his last name. Plus, he doesn't want to challenge me mentally, however I understand that he likes things stress free without drama.Recently, he wants to take things further physically with which I would be fine - he brings a lot of warmth. HoweverI feel trap with emotions as in one way I really like his warmth nature, but in the other, we are often short in conversation.I found myself subsciouslyrejecting his advances. I feel like I do not know him enough to be intimid with him and had reveal this to him. We tried being together again recently, and again I rejected his advances. I am attracted to him.I think he is upset now. I tried to call him, but he has not returned my call. How do I communicate this to him?
 
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fixmdude is offline fixmdude Post #2  March 7,2009, 8:11pm
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Sorry, it doesn't sound like you guys are 'right' for each other, even if you get along in some ways and even well enough to like him. If you are this dissatisfied with how he communicates this early(for you) and after two months (for him), then you can imagine that your need for communication will just continue to grow as things progress, and if he hasn't opened up to you at all after 2 months thenhe's not a communicator,so your problems will become more acute over time. Not returning your call is itself a big problem in this case. If it was a result of some otherproblem that upset him then you could go ahead andtry to get him a message to fix things, but when not communicating is the very problem, pushing for communication when he is avoiding it will just push him away further.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  March 7,2009, 8:24pm
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You've been with a guy for 2 months and still don't known his last name??? ...I mean, what if you had to have him paged for an emergency in a department store? ..."Customer John, please come pick your party up at register 4" ...and 40 guys show up? Just sayin', that could be a little embarassing ;-)


I'm feeling like this guy would be no great loss ...you hardly know him since he refuses to have a significant conversation with you. A "warm nature" does not a relationship make.
 
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HappyG1rl is offline HappyG1rl Post #4  March 7,2009, 9:02pm
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Don't worry so much if he's upset. If you know you're not ready to be intimate, you're just not ready.


Try telling him that you need to know his mind and heart before you give yourself to him. If he doesn't feel the same way, he's probably not the right one for you.
 
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gr8galmv is offline gr8galmv Post #5  March 7,2009, 11:24pm
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How do you spend your time together if he doesn't talk much? I'm dating a guy for the last four months where the affection is finally starting to catch up. But I can say in my case I know a lot about the guy, including his last name. It almost sounds as if there's something missing besides just the physical. I'd suggest revisiting your own list of things you really must have in a relationship and figure out if he is missing some critical things. If you wish to continue seeing him but aren't ready for more physically than I definitely agree that you shouldn't go further than you wish. Have a conversation and see how he deals with difficult conversations. Any good relationship worth its grain of salt will weather the storm of tough conversations. And if this doesn't work out upon talking with him honestlythan at least you know.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #6  March 8,2009, 3:52am
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Dear Pukeko,


You story is a good case in gender differences. Women want emotional intimacy first and men want physical intimacy. There's a saying, "Women will have sex to get love; men will feign love to get sex."


At least this guy isn't pretending emotional intimacy, or feigning emotional intimacy with you like some guys do to get a woman in bed with them.


You ask how to communicate to him things like: He's not very expressive, you don't talk much when you're together, and you don't even know his last name after two months. Well, just the very way you did to us . . . if you want to proceed with him which I'd very strongly advise against doing.


If you will permit me to help you save yourself time and effort . . . . This man is not right for you and you cannot make him right for you. He is what he is. He will not be the expressive, more talkative, sharing, mentally stimulating guy you desire; rather, he's silent, bland, doesn't share his feelings or emotions, and isn't very stimulating which may mean he's mentally lazy, isn't that much of an intellectual, or has no desire to meet your needs.


Often, ladies are attracted to what they perceive to be the strong, silent, type, but usually that is quite a false perception.


Usually, men like this are generally one of the following several types or a combination :
[*]Very quiet (it doesn't mean they're strong types just because they're silent - sometimes, the person is quite weak I've observed). [*]Emotionally frozen as in unable to share themselves emotionally with others. In this situation, the person has usually had some kind of truama or abuse or neglect in their formative years. Along with this usually goes an inability to trust . [*]Quite reserved and liking to keep things to themselves.[*]Has some past that he doesn't want to come out.[/list]

_


You will save yourself a lot of angst if you come to see for yourself he cannot meet your mental and emotional needs. You have the need to converse much more (as most women do) and the need to be mentally challenged - of which he does neither. Imagine being married for a lifetime - however many years that might be - 40, 50, or 60 years - without much conversation or mental challenge!


You'd be like a rose in the desert - you're wither and die.


Considering that marriage is about 97% the greatest of friendships and only about 3% romance (the sex part), can you begin to see that you would feel quite unhappy and unfilled with this guy?


Whatever would you talk about over those 40, 50, or 60 years? You and he are struggling after only two months in communicating! Considering that good communication is absolutely essential in any quality relationship, can you see that you and this man are not good matches for each other?


Do not sleep with him. That would be a terrible mistake and will only hurt you if you do so. You see, in any relationship there needs to be chemistry across the four areas: Mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical (the sex part for after marriage and within marriage only).


You and he do not have the mental, emotional, and I'd guess also the spiritual connection. You're not able to communicate (this means mutual communication - not just you trying to communicate) and he's bland - meaning not mentally stimulating.


You're mistaking being stress-free and without drama with being mentally unstimulating. That does not correlate. A person can be as stress-free and as drama free as possible AND be mentally stimulating. Actually, it's more stressful to be with someone who is not mentally stimulating as it's leads to unhappiness in the other person who desires that.


This is not what you want to hear, but don't concern yourself with him not returning your call. Actually, if I were you, I'd break off with him as I'd realize that we did not have some really important things in common.


There are man who are much more communicative and who are mentally stimulating just as you are.


Dr. Neil Clark Warren, eHarmony's founder, advises people along these lines, "Marry a person a lot like you." This man is not like you. These two areas of diffrerences are of utmost importance and YOU should not ignore them. Indeed, these things should be of enough significant red flags to you to stop, not proceed in the relationship (not that I'd call it that as there's not the mental and emotional connection there needs to be for a relationship to even exist).



You're thinking that talking with him will change him. I'm sorry to say it won't. He is as he is! What you see if what you will be getting . Maybe after you talk to him he try to be a bit more conversant and stimulating, if only to get you into bed, but he'll soon relapse exactly into what you see right now.


Dr. Warren also says, "Opposites attract but then attack ." You two don't have enough in common to proceed with even another date in my opinion. I hope to save you much heartache and open your eyes to the reality of your situation with this man. He's just not right for you, though there is a man out there who is .


Again, you and he are lacking the important chemistry in the mental and emotional areas at least, if not the spiritual. If you count all three, that 75% of areas where you and he don't have chemistry. You say you're attracted to him . . . that must be physically as you're not attracted to him not talking, not mentally stimulating you, and not being expressive (sharing with you emotionally).


A relationship based on only 25% chemistry is never going to go the distance for a lifetime and I hope you can see that. Again, you're not going to change him and neither will "the talk" change him!


It's important to accept what is and move on to someone who can and will meet your needs. This guy will not. Don't waste a minute more of your precious life now that you know he's not expressive, doesn't talk, and isn't mentally stimulating . . . not to mention he hasn't even shared his last name after two months! What are you thinking to have even gone this long?


Dr. Warren has studied relationships for over 40 years and they've done an incredible amount of research. Take it from him in finding, "Someone a lot like you." This guy is not like you and I hope this has opened your eyes to that.


Don't be a foolish person in keeping with someone who is not right for you, who it's obvious is not right for you, and who you hope to change, but will not. Be wise, be prudent, be mature. Think with your head, not your emotions which are unreliable in any person and cannot be trusted as they go up and down.


I can't see that you and this guy have anything in common other than the most basic physical attraction which is only 1/4 of all the necessary components of which ALL must be there for a relationship to develop and work.


You perhaps need to think more highly of yourself than to put up with so very little from a guy. I don't see that he has anything to offer you other than his body and who knows who he's slept with, who he may have impregnated, what diseases he has, etc. You know nothing about this man and you're not going to as he doesn't want to talk! He couldn't have made that more clear!


After two months, you should know:
[*]His first and last name[*]His address[*]His phone number and cell number[*]His email address[*]Where he went to school and what he majored in or what his areas of interest were [*]What he does for a living and where he works[*]How many siblings he has and if his parents are still alive and the city in which they live[*]How close he is to his family[*]His significant friends (not that you will have met them yet)[*]Where he grew up[*]If he has any children of his own[*]If he's ever been married before or engaged before[*]Is he recently broken up from a relationship[*]What his values are, i. e., his value system [*]What his interests are[*]Where he likes to eat[*]Some things you and he have in common[*]Some idea of what his life is like[*]Where he goes to church or if he does[*]Some of his political beliefs[*]Some of what his worldview is[*]If he seems to be a man of his word, possessing integrity, responsible, mature, stable, secure, caring, kind, respectful, having moral values such as honesty, faithfulness, etc.[*]If he seems to have a plan for his life going places and doing things or is he just drifting aimlessly; if he has goals that he's setting about meeting[*]Etc.[/list]

_


I can't imagine lasting even two months with a guy like this. You may quite seriously wish to rethink continuing with him. My advice is to break-it off with him and look for someone who meets your needs. There are guys, really sweet, nice guys, who will be more than happy to meet your needs across all four areas: Mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical. Why would you settle for so very little? This guy is not a catch by any means. Again, think with your head here, not your emotions as they are clouding your thinking!


Do some self-examination very carefully to see if there's something inside of you that thinks that you only deserve a person who does not meet your mental and emotional needs. Sometimes people with an emotionally detached father or mother seek the same in their own life-partner after they grow up.


Additionally, it's so much better to be single than to be with someone like this as it tends to take away from one's self-respect and self-esteem and the person starts to slowly slide into the mindset that what they have is what is acceptable - though you haven't - otherwise you wouldn't be writing! Thanks for sharing.


Remember, you can talk to this man 'til the cows come home, but you're not going to change him and you're not going to make him talk, share, or mentally challenge you. It's as good as it gets with him right now which I don't consider anything at all. Don't deceive yourself into thinking you will change him. Many a sorry lady has made that mistake and wasted so much of her life in trying to do so, only to finally realize it was to no avail after wasting many precious years.


Wishing you well.


JavaJava5
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #7  March 8,2009, 4:50am
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BikerBeagle,520522 wrote :

You've been with a guy for 2 months and still don't known his last name??? ...I mean, what if you had to have him paged for an emergency in a department store? ..."Customer John, please come pick your party up at register 4" ...and 40 guys show up? Just sayin', that could be a little embarassing ;-)


I'm feeling like this guy would be no great loss ...you hardly know him since he refuses to have a significant conversation with you. A "warm nature" does not a relationship make.
+1. You don't even know his last name... after 2 months?!? That's pretty crazy.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #8  March 8,2009, 6:08am
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2 months and you don’t know his last name. There’s something off there. Have you directly asked him his last name? If so, what was his response?
If he rarely talks when you’re together – how do you/can you get to know him? You can’t.
He doesn’t challenge you mentally. If you desire this from a relationship, then he’s not the one for you. I keep remembering the saying “things only go downhill from here”.
Disliking drama and stress is GREAT! But conversation in and of itself, talking to one another, having conversation doesn’t automatically equate to drama and stress.
He wants to be physical with you. You aren’t ready. Which one of you is it that makes choices, decisions for YOU and your body? This should be a no-brainer.
I’m getting the idea, and I could be wrong, that he wants you for sex and not much else. He’s putting nothing in, and you’re on the fence about giving everything back to him.
You’re the one who is responsible and obligated to lay out the groundrules for how YOU want your relationships to be. Just as a man has that responsibility and obligation for himself. At this point, it seems you’re basically letting him know: You won’t have to talk to me, you won’t have to get to know me, or allow me to get to know you, you won’t have to invest anything of yourself in me, or into our time together, BUT I’ll still lay down and have sex with you, and be left feeling confused and empty.
Is that how you want your relationship to be? Probably not.
A lot of times, women will settle for less because they don’t want the man to leave them. And then they walk around thinking that *eventually* he’ll come around and be the man they want him to be, and the relationship they want for themselves. It’s not going to work.
I’d suggest back off him a bit. Be very clear with yourself (first and foremost), and with him about what you want, need and expect from a relationship. Then stick to that – all the way through!!! He’ll step up to that, or he won’t. If he doesn’t, so what? The right man will.
Good luck!
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #9  March 8,2009, 10:26am
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I agree with the above. Learn the last name and LOTS of other stuff and stick to your guns on what you want.
 
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AsianFusion is offline AsianFusion Post #10  March 8,2009, 1:03pm
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That's pretty wild . . . seeing him two months and still didn't know his last name. Did you ask and he refused to tell you?


As a general rule, I won'teven agree to go out with anyone on a first date unless Iknow his full name . . . yes, first, middle and last name!


Move on!That would not be a healthy relationship anyway.
 
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