BenThruItAll is offline BenThruItAll Post #1  February 27,2009, 8:53am
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I am thinking about getting back into the relationship game again after a few years. I have suffered from clinical depression and PTSD for many years, am on medication and also have been in counseling. I'm feeling pretty healthy and would like to make some changes for the good in my life after bringing up two children on my own and living a very difficult life. I've worked hard and had a lot of obstacles and while things are not perfect now, I'm ready to put loneliness behind me. Since I am a very honest person and seek the same, how can I meet someone of the integrity that I would like without scaring them off by my history? I believe that a person is made up of more than their past, but I have to admit that I might be scared off too. I am a very good, kind person, intelligent, creative and attractive. I have a lot to offer someone. I was dealt a bad hand and played it to the best of my ability.


I've had a few relationships in the past which, for the most part didn't work out because of the kids. Two of these men are my best friends now. They would stand up for me and do anything for me in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, the romance is gone now that the kids have grown.


I'm not looking for someone to take care of me, just someone to enjoy life with. I fear that if they see my past, they might not give me a chance, but if I'm not honest, they will think that I'm not being upfront. I don't want to live alone the rest of my life. Advice please?
 
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I_have_the_simplist_of_tastes_ is offline I_have_the_simplist_of_tastes_ Post #2  February 27,2009, 9:17am
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Everyone has a history if they get to be old enough. I understand that PTSD is caused by exposure to a traumatic event. I don't see how this would eliminate you from finding someone that is caring and understanding.


Why don't you ask your two male friends if they know anyone that you could meet?
 
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BenThruItAll is offline BenThruItAll Post #3  February 27,2009, 9:27am
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I_have_the_simplist_of_tastes_,507254 wrote :

Everyone has a history if they get to be old enough. I understand that PTSD is caused by exposure to a traumatic event. I don't see how this would eliminate you from finding someone that is caring and understanding.


Why don't you ask your two male friends if they know anyone that you could meet?
I have asked them, and just about everyone I know. They have said that they don't know anyone who is good enough for me.


I think that it is easier said than done to find someone who can put PTSD and depression aside. On many dating sites, men specifically ask for someone who is "mentally stable." I am now, but feel dishonest if I don't admit my past. The PTSD was caused by traumatic events and once in a while something does pop up to stir old feelings. It's something that I have to deal with. I find that when I am happy in relationships, it makes it much easier because I feel that I have a support system. But doesn't the other person deserve to have a choice on whether they want that burden?
 
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I_have_the_simplist_of_tastes_ is offline I_have_the_simplist_of_tastes_ Post #4  February 27,2009, 10:04am
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BenThruItAll,507265 wrote :

I_have_the_simplist_of_tastes_,507254 wrote :


Everyone has a history if they get to be old enough. I understand that PTSD is caused by exposure to a traumatic event. I don't see how this would eliminate you from finding someone that is caring and understanding.


Why don't you ask your two male friends if they know anyone that you could meet?


I have asked them, and just about everyone I know. They have said that they don't know anyone who is good enough for me.


I think that it is easier said than done to find someone who can put PTSD and depression aside. On many dating sites, men specifically ask for someone who is "mentally stable." I am now, but feel dishonest if I don't admit my past. The PTSD was caused by traumatic events and once in a while something does pop up to stir old feelings. It's something that I have to deal with. I find that when I am happy in relationships, it makes it much easier because I feel that I have a support system. But doesn't the other person deserve to have a choice on whether they want that burden?
Absolutely! And with your perspective on the situation that should be to your credit. Also, the fact that you are not delusional about your strengths and weaknesses is very healthy. But you might be going a little hard on yourself. No one person is totally free of all life's hardships. Sometimes, as we look from the outside at another person's life, we don't see all the struggles another person is going through.


But your original question was, "when" to reveal... certainly not till you feel comfortable sharing it, but not so long where it appears to be a dreadful "secret". The fact is, once you start conversing with someone about yourself, and your life, some of the traumatic experiences you had will eventually come out in the course of normal conversation. At that point, you can mention your tremendous progress is getting beyond those events. Don't make a big or heavy issue of it. Let it take its own course.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #5  February 27,2009, 10:48am
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I had to think about this one a while. Ultimately, I don't believe this is information that needs to be disclosed very early in the dating cycle, but certainly should be brought up at some point before a serious/exclusive relationship ensues when you feel comfortable doing so.


Expect that you may still 'scare' some guys away even then. Personally, I feel like, based on some of the things you said, it might be still a bit too early to rejoin the dating world, but that's not really my call. It sounds like loneliness is driving your decision back into dating, not whether you are truly ready and prepared to be there.


That's just my $0.02.
 
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BenThruItAll is offline BenThruItAll Post #6  February 27,2009, 11:16am
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BikerBeagle,507325 wrote :

I had to think about this one a while. Ultimately, I don't believe this is information that needs to be disclosed very early in the dating cycle, but certainly should be brought up at some point before a serious/exclusive relationship ensues when you feel comfortable doing so.


Expect that you may still 'scare' some guys away even then. Personally, I feel like, based on some of the things you said, it might be still a bit too early to rejoin the dating world, but that's not really my call. It sounds like loneliness is driving your decision back into dating, not whether you are truly ready and prepared to be there.


That's just my $0.02.
I did not expand too much on my time spent on relationships, but I haven't been in a relationship for four years now. I have been divorced almost 19 yrs. and had three relationships that have been one year or longer (two that I mentioned, one that I broke off) and just a handful of shorter ones. I don't date much, am a monogamous person and am comfortable in social situations. The people that I have confided in about my personal life have all been very shocked that I have been through so much because it doesn't show in my personality, not until they get to be very close to me and something happens that might trigger a PTSD episode.


I believe that honesty is an integral part of any relationship and am being held back by the feeling that "not telling" is somehow being dishonest.
 
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friedrice is offline friedrice Post #7  February 27,2009, 2:41pm
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What I don't understand is how PTSD can control your life to the point it is the center of your life and interferes in your every waking hour. You know these terms are just terms doctors use to make youremotions seem like an illness so they can prescribe you drugs. You know that right? And if you meditated with your heart and soul and you really really wanted to be cured you can. You know that right?


I've worked on some people who never thought they would ever stop crying without drugs and with one session with me they were free.


I think you'll be ok, and there is no need to disclose it because it is not contagious...hopefully.
 
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BenThruItAll is offline BenThruItAll Post #8  February 27,2009, 3:41pm
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friedrice,507614 wrote :

What I don't understand is how PTSD can control your life to the point it is the center of your life and interferes in your every waking hour. You know these terms are just terms doctors use to make youremotions seem like an illness so they can prescribe you drugs. You know that right? And if you meditated with your heart and soul and you really really wanted to be cured you can. You know that right?


I've worked on some people who never thought they would ever stop crying without drugs and with one session with me they were free.


I think you'll be ok, and there is no need to disclose it because it is not contagious...hopefully.
PTSD is a very complicated disorder, you have over-simplified it. When something happens in your life that traumatizes you so severely, such as sexual abuse, it will affect certain aspects of your life for years to come. I have the very unlucky problem of having the person who traumatized me as a family member, so there are constant reminders and difficult family dynamics. Occasionally things come up that trigger an episode. You obviously are not educated enough to understand that sometimes 'meditation' is not enough in severe cases. I understand the ignorance of a lot of people in these matters, but it doesn't make my situation any easier. The judgment of others, like yourself, who think doctors "use those terms to make emotions seem like illness" cause more damage than help. You know that, right?
 
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friedrice is offline friedrice Post #9  February 27,2009, 4:02pm
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BenThruItAll,507678 wrote :

friedrice,507614 wrote :


What I don't understand is how PTSD can control your life to the point it is the center of your life and interferes in your every waking hour. You know these terms are just terms doctors use to make youremotions seem like an illness so they can prescribe you drugs. You know that right? And if you meditated with your heart and soul and you really really wanted to be cured you can. You know that right?


I've worked on some people who never thought they would ever stop crying without drugs and with one session with me they were free.


I think you'll be ok, and there is no need to disclose it because it is not contagious...hopefully.


PTSD is a very complicated disorder, you have over-simplified it. When something happens in your life that traumatizes you so severely, such as sexual abuse, it will affect certain aspects of your life for years to come. I have the very unlucky problem of having the person who traumatized me as a family member, so there are constant reminders and difficult family dynamics. Occasionally things come up that trigger an episode. You obviously are not educated enough to understand that sometimes 'meditation' is not enough in severe cases. I understand the ignorance of a lot of people in these matters, but it doesn't make my situation any easier. The judgment of others, like yourself, who think doctors "use those terms to make emotions seem like illness" cause more damage than help. You know that, right?
I hate to break it to you. But I have been through it and I am over it. Everyone takes a different path. I don't want to insult you by calling you "not educated" because of your fragile mental state. But I will say as a survior you will heal, when you are ready. I think I am highly educated because I found the cure. Perhaps not so gentle in my delivery. For that I am sorry. But I am not sorry for sharing with you the hope and possibilities.
 
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I_have_the_simplist_of_tastes_ is offline I_have_the_simplist_of_tastes_ Post #10  February 27,2009, 4:17pm
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I think it is fair to say that some people have better coping mechanisms than others, depending on the degree of trauma. Whereas, someone else may internalize the feelings, but the damage may play out in their choices of mates and behaviors.


I think the fact that the OP knows her weaknesses and doesn't fool herself into believing that all is now well is a great step in her dealing with the situation and in her healing.
 
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