Q & A with relationship expert Dr. Fred Luskin

Dear Dr. Luskin, I understand how to forgive myself for something I've done to hurt someone else. How do I forgive myself for the damage my decisions have made to ME? I've done nothing awful, but regret that I have missed chances to have a better life. I believe that when I can find the lesson in a bad experience, then I can incorporate it into my mind-set andaccept it. But, I can't find the lesson in these bad decisions. They seem so right at the time. I consider how to make the best decision I can (pray, read, think, talk) but still, with hindsight, know I made the wrong decision.I do not make snap decisions. What steps can I take to not berate and punish myself over and over again abouttheseunfortunatelife-changing decisions? Thank you for your insight.

I too have a question, semi long sorryIm a widower of3.6 yrs I was married for 23 yrs out of commitment for getting pregnant very young. Foolish and selfish perhaps. He was my high schoolsweetheart!Hewas my best friend but not my soul mate. After his death due to a long battle of illness I decided after I made my list of "thinking what was qualifiable" formy must haves in a relationship. My list went from 109 to presant 25 must have's. OK so I had a pipe dream and things I thought Icould not do without in a relationship.Well was I in for a shocker,my age bracket and baggage and learning patience. I joined EHa met a wonderful man about 14mo's ago I let myheart rule my thought process and after dating 4mo's we had the talk. Mind you he had sole custody of his 3 children oldest was this same age and my youngest IE 12. One dayI got an email at work and yes it was aDear Jane letter with really noreason why just claims he had to much to deal with andfor me to cease all communication.


Yes I was devistated, crushed and all those emotions wrapped into one. I took a step back to figure out what the deal was or could of been . I tried off and onother web services and met some nice men but still keeping mydistance in the shark pool and just looking for a pond to find a toad w/ some potiental of a prince. A few months ago my path crossed with this yet another nice man who a year ago when we triedour timing was not to be. He too recently widowed, and raising a veryyoung child he has two a son 15 now and a daughter 4. This time it was instant sparks,we both talked over the next few days that followed and there was something we both agreed that was worth vestingour time tosee what would develope. We have been seeing each other for a few months now. Things were and have been great. NOOOOO complaints my list that had the 25 items in demand were 15 alone he managed to fill within those few short months. I'm in no hurry and just enjoying to company of his charm as well as he is too. I then get the call "your gonna hate me" seems his son is rebeling on the fact that his dad is seeing someone. Why do and did I feel that I just got the wind knocked out of me? We spent two hours on the phone trying to figure out a happy medium and telling each other that this is not good byejust laying low for awhile. Do I have this magnet on me to attract this kind junk? Do I step back and wait? Hell I'm still trying tofigure out how to know the signs that you could be in LOVE ??? Now I'm very confused what to do next?

HELP...I NEED ADVICE...this is LONG I'm sorry...


I was in a happy committed relationship for a year and nine months. It was wonderful for a long time, he swept me off my feet, was so attentive. He was a man who said he used to fool around in his past but not anymore, he'd grown out of that lifestyle (he's 34, I'm 37). We both liked movies, tv, dining out...he made me feel attractive, it was love at first sight for him, and he worked hard to win me over. There were some big difference between us... he was a huge game player (video games, d and d, magic cards, board games, etc) and I wasn't into that. Also, I was a shy country girl, only 3 previous boyfriends, had a stable childhood, while he was a social city guy, lots of experience with women, who never had a stable family life growing up. Interracial too, I'm white, he's Mexican. However, my family embraced him, his embraced me, we were so happy, spent lots of time together, and seemed to reach a comfort level in our relationship where I thought this would last...maybe not marriage, but at least commitment. Then Last May, I went out of town for two weeks, and out of no where he started hitting on other women at work (we work at the same plant)...didn't find out about this till after we broke up. None of them would have anything to do with him, cause they knew he was with me.


In July, he got put on a new job and evidently got close with one of the female coworkers there, who either didn't know he had a girlfriend or didn't care. I believe he began flirting with her, and she was in an unhappy marriage, and she played right back...he began distancing himself from me, everyone told me something was going on between them two, but he kept denying, saying they were just friends, even while I was in tears to get the truth...he swore nothing was going on. He would show me little gifts she'd get him, like toysfrom McDonald's,about $15 worth by the time I heardabout it. When I questioned him taking her to lunch(he kept telling me he neverknew when his lunch was, cause he used to spend lunches with me)without telling me, he got angry, questioning why he had to explain himself in our relationship, they were just friends. He became more distant. The last month we were going out there was an excuse every weekend for him not seeing me...and I got scared. It seemed everything I did just ticked him off or made him angry.


The last night we were together, he completely ignored me the whole day at the workplace...before he'd always come see me at least a little, talk to me....I went to his house to talk it out, asked him if he was mad at me (I asked this 3 times) he said no...then I asked him if he was unhappy in our relationship, he said yes. Why I asked....First, he said, "You don't like to do nothing...I'm the type of guy that likes to go and do stuff, play games, you don't." I said, "Why didn't you mention that it bothered you that much before?? You've know I wasn't into games from the beginning." He said, "I thought eventually you'd join in...that this was the way it would always be..."


Then, he listed off mostly stupid trivial reasons, such as "I didn't like when we took my kids to the park and you just sat on the swings." Which was over a year before, and wasn't anything wrong with what I did then...or, "If we went to the arcade with the kids, what would you do?" I was puzzled, saying "Well what I always do, play skeeball, etc..." He looked at me like it wasn't good enough. He said he didn't like one time a week before when I watched himput something into my car, I watched to make sure he locked the door, "Like you didn't trust me to push a button, howdo you think that made me feel??"And other lame excuses.


He had no good reasons for being unhappy. I said I could promise to join in more, take part in gaming more, if it was important, I had no idea it bothered him that much.I mentioned marriage, and he said, "I'm never getting married again...not to you or anyone..." I said that's okay, it wasn't a dealbreaker...then he kept going on about "I'm sorry I couldn't be the man you wanted me to be..." It was like he wanted me to end it. I asked him again about the other woman, he said nothing was going on, "she's happy with her boy"(meaning her husband). I told him I'd leave it up to him to end it, give him a couple days...he said I dropped a bomb on him, he had to think about it. But by Monday, I decided to take back my power, and I ended it.


Anyway, I got sick of being ignored and treated like crap...I dumped him, and he was with her less than 8 hours later...sure enough, he told another coworker she had kicked her husband out (her hubby is bipolar and she'd just been hanging on, waiting for someone else I think) and the two of them had been going out for "a while, and she's met my kids, and they love her." (The kids loved me too!!). Evidently, accordingto someone who talked to her, she was sick of her husband because he "didn't want to do nothing." Sound familiar???? He hasn't looked back, shown any remorse or shame, never apologized to me. She worships the ground he walks on, is into video games,never had any male relationship other than her husband, so I think she's naive as well as immature. A coworker saw them walking out of Best Buy with a PS3 in his arms, and I KNOW he can't afford that on his own, no credit, or savings...so either they went in on it together orshebought it for him(only 1 month into their relationship). No one at work can stand him or her now, and theycan't believe he'd leave me like that, after how hard he fought to wn me over, and how happyhe was with me.They keep telling me that I was too good for him. She's only 26, white also, heavy set like me, and most of our coworkers say I'm prettier than her anyway, and look younger...so it's not looks. I think he gets off on the ego trip of her worshipping him, and she feeds his immaturity. Whenever they come into work, they're in the same car...HERS...andHE'S driving! So they're evidently always together and he gets to drive a fairly new car in the bargain.


I know he's had committment issues in the past, I've had every family member and friend try to help me recover...yet I JUST CAN'T DO IT. I keep beating myself up, wondering why he left, why he's with her, knowing everyone at work calls that woman a bitch, no one liked her even before all this... yet I have no enemies there...why would he choose to be with someone so awful?Why would he spend all his time with her, both at work andaway from work???She's always staring me down at work too, like trying to rub it in that she "won" or something...I know in my heart they had to have been involved in some way before we broke up. He's immature and won't grow up, won't take responsibility for his actions. One coworker says he's a man that doesn't love himself and is always searching for someone who will help him to love himself, and will never be satisfied (13 girlfriends in 34 years, maybe so) I guess I thought he'd hold on to me, that I was the one good thing in his life...he used to say he'd be damned if he was going to mess up our relationship, I was the best thing that happened to him in a long time, I was his soulmate, for me to never leave him, I had him till I kicked him to the curb...but maybe I was just another notch on the bedpost.


My parents have said he probably doesn't know what it means to love someone...his mother was a nomad, in and out of his life, and now he says his mom is "dead to him." His dad is as immature as he is, they live together and his dad has lots of ladyfriends and is as into comic books as he is. He's been back and forth with his wife, (they've been separated legally for four years) he told me they were apart as much as they were together, and neither one of them--I believe--wanted responsibility for their three kids, so the wife'smother raises their kids, and he gets them on Saturdays. He has another daughter that I don't think he's ever seen, about five years old, from I think an extramarital affair. I didn't find out about her till 6 months into our relationship. Anyway, yes he's not completely honest either...although at first in our relationship he swore he was honest about everything. Maybe I never asked enough questions about his past.


One thing I can be grateful for...I told him I would consummate our relationship if he got that divorce, and he never did. He said it cost too much, over 2000 dollars, and he couldn't afford it. He kept persisting, but I never let him go all the way with me, I held to that...I wonder if maybe that's why he strayed, maybe hoping to keep it from me, so he'd get in there eventually, but in the meantime, get some from some other woman....now in a way I regret I never experienced that with him, but also glad I kept my word in the matter, and held to it.


This is played havoc on my self esteem, I haven't dated hardly at all in my life, and he was so wonderful, like a white knight at the beginnning....treated me like gold, then it ended so horribly...now I'm on Eharmony trying to move on, but no responses yet from any men, so THAT doesn't help any. I think he was my last chance at love, since I'm not pretty or anything special in any way, and I don't really understand men, and I'm indimidated by them as well...they're like aliens to me when it comes to dating. I either get too desperate or I'm too shy. I've literally cried a river of tears over what that jerk has done to me. I feel abandoned....or at least like the whole relationship was a lie, and I never really knew him. I hate that he gets to be with a woman who worships him after the crap he pulled, and I'm alone, when I dumped him for treating me so terribly...where's the justice and vindication??? I am not sure if my ego is getting in the way of me recovering or my low self esteem. I'm waiting, rooting for him to get what is coming to him, cause what goes around comes around...or for him to at least do to her what he's done to me (he beganflirting with another woman at work, after only a couple of months withthisnew girlfriend,but she'll have no part of him). I'm plus sized, shy, have a hard time meeting men... everyone who's close to me tells me someone better, who knows how to love, will come along. I pray every night for ways to cope. I just need strength to overcome this breakup....I know in my head, FORGET HIM, but it's my heart...why did this happen?? Where did it all go wrong??


any words of advice????????? Please leave a comment/message to me, I need all the support I can get...it's been over 4 months, and I pray to God for Him to release this man's power over me. For me to find the love for myself, so I can learn from this what I need to learn (not sure yet what that is) so I DON'T make this mistake again. It's the most hurtful experience I've had in my life...that anyone has ever done to me...this from someone who was supposed to love me more than anyone. Please help.

How can you tell if a women is truly being herself around you?I know that some people try to make a good impression on the person they like. How can you tell if that is how the are or if it is an act?I have been married before and she didn't actually start being herself until after we were married. Is there any kind of signas I can look for or just hope that they are being real.

I have a problem. I have been divorced for 11 years, which isn't the problem. The problem is why I feel I don't have any chances of a committed relationship in my future. Any time it feels like I am getting close to a man, he runs from me. Whether it be in e-harmony, or a man I had been seeing off and on for the last 6 years. I understand that this man I had been seeing has 2 teenage daughters he wants to be there emotionally for, but I don't understand why he'll continually tell me that he is trying to make his daughters happy, and go back to working on the past doomed relationship with his ex wife. I know I deserve better than a man who can't make a committment to me. I am trying to move on. At the same time I really feel like giving up on the idea I will ever have a man that I don't have to share with another woman, expecially an ex wife.I am tired of the old cliche of he is out there somewhere, and I have to be patient when looking for love again. I really am feeling that there is something wrong with me that causes me to be constatantly in this situation. I know he loves me, but it hurts when he is working on his relationship with his ex wife, and comming to see me too. How do you move on when there is no one to move on to?

I've been divorced for 10 years now ~ from a man who betrayed my every trust and confidence for the second decade of our marraige. I want more than anyrhing in this world to meet a man who is real and honest and sincere. The difficulty I'm having is that, because he was such a convincing lier, I am finding myself unable to trust that someone could actually be for real ~ sincere, andand genuine. God help me, I want so much to not be alone, but I'm so afraid thatsomeone Imight meet will not really be what he puts out there.





Sincerely, Ms lonely!