Peaches19 is offline Peaches19 Post #1  January 28,2009, 12:12pm
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Hi all,


This is my 1st post but boy do I need your input & advice!!!


As background: I'm a mid 20's female who has been in two longterm relationships and never really beensingle. I ended my last relationship almost a year agobecause he could never do what he said- totally took me for granted.. blah blah blah-lol. In the last year, Ireally only went on 2 walks with guys and never dated as I didn't feel ready, didnt feel single, and was having personal issues with anxiety..etc. It wasn't until 2 months ago that I even totally gave up hope on my ex and started tomove on.


Not expecting nor looking for anything, the firstguy i met I totally connected with and am feeling more comfortable with than anyone ever before. Despite my anxiety, he's brought me back to feeling like myself again... We've really connected, he's a great person and refreshingly honest/genuine. We've now beengoing on dates for a month but some issues have already surfaced:


1. I'm not sure I'm ready for another relationship. I wonder if I should date around a bit to feel more certain about what i want &what i have (I'm an indecisive person). I almost think I just need to go on some dates and have them fail to realise that what I have is totally worth investing my heart again and going for it. He also hasn't been in a relationship for a few years so isn't really sure of how to act in one... not sure im up to training-lol


2. I'm not sure how much we have in common? I hate that he hunts and smokes when he's drinks.. he loves camping, motorbikesand techno-I like all-all-inclusives, yoga, and top 40... but fundamentals like a positive outlook on lifeand value of friends and family are there.Weboth like oldies music, have an interestin the way the world works, have respect for other and value honesty. How much in common is good... or bad?


3. Butterflies - do you need them? Is it better to feel comfortable with someone off the bat or to have those nervous butterflies? I wasn't necessarily attracted to him off the bat but the more I connect with him the more i'm attracted... is this good?


4. Some how in the first few dates, i opened my big mouth and mentioned I want to adopt kids.. for most guys I'm finding this is a problem so of course he is totally against it and wouldn't even consider compromising with one adopted and one of your own... he feels it's like "renting a child" which i totally disagree with. Nevertheless, this is a big issue and could bea deal breaker in future ... we've been trying to ignore it but it's holding us both back a bit. Some of my friends say to cut it off now while others say it's way too early to talk about things like that... things can change... yadda yadda yadda.


I'm at a lost with what to do with all this?! We act like we're in a relationship but then there's all these unanswered questions. if I didn't have this amazing connection and comfort with him I probably would date around but it's hard when this seems special. My heart says one thing and my head another...I'm just utterly confused.


What would you do?


ps-sorry this was so long. Thanks 4 reading & responding!
 
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Songryder is offline Songryder Post #2  January 28,2009, 3:42pm
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Peaches19, wrote :

Hi all,


This is my 1st post but boy do I need your input & advice!!!


As background: I'm a mid 20's female who has been in two longterm relationships and never really beensingle. I ended my last relationship almost a year agobecause he could never do what he said- totally took me for granted.. blah blah blah-lol. In the last year, Ireally only went on 2 walks with guys and never dated as I didn't feel ready, didnt feel single, and was having personal issues with anxiety..etc. It wasn't until 2 months ago that I even totally gave up hope on my ex and started tomove on.


Not expecting nor looking for anything, the firstguy i met I totally connected with and am feeling more comfortable with than anyone ever before. Despite my anxiety, he's brought me back to feeling like myself again... We've really connected, he's a great person and refreshingly honest/genuine. We've now beengoing on dates for a month but some issues have already surfaced:


1. I'm not sure I'm ready for another relationship. I wonder if I should date around a bit to feel more certain about what i want &what i have (I'm an indecisive person). I almost think I just need to go on some dates and have them fail to realise that what I have is totally worth investing my heart again and going for it. He also hasn't been in a relationship for a few years so isn't really sure of how to act in one... not sure im up to training-lol


2. I'm not sure how much we have in common? I hate that he hunts and smokes when he's drinks.. he loves camping, motorbikesand techno-I like all-all-inclusives, yoga, and top 40... but fundamentals like a positive outlook on lifeand value of friends and family are there.Weboth like oldies music, have an interestin the way the world works, have respect for other and value honesty. How much in common is good... or bad?


3. Butterflies - do you need them? Is it better to feel comfortable with someone off the bat or to have those nervous butterflies? I wasn't necessarily attracted to him off the bat but the more I connect with him the more i'm attracted... is this good?


4. Some how in the first few dates, i opened my big mouth and mentioned I want to adopt kids.. for most guys I'm finding this is a problem so of course he is totally against it and wouldn't even consider compromising with one adopted and one of your own... he feels it's like "renting a child" which i totally disagree with. Nevertheless, this is a big issue and could bea deal breaker in future ... we've been trying to ignore it but it's holding us both back a bit. Some of my friends say to cut it off now while others say it's way too early to talk about things like that... things can change... yadda yadda yadda.


I'm at a lost with what to do with all this?! We act like we're in a relationship but then there's all these unanswered questions. if I didn't have this amazing connection and comfort with him I probably would date around but it's hard when this seems special. My heart says one thing and my head another...I'm just utterly confused.


What would you do?


ps-sorry this was so long. Thanks 4 reading & responding!
1. This is a good idea despite the chemistry you may feel with one or more men. It sounds very much like you need to find your way in your own life before committing to another person.


2. Chemistry doesn't mean you're going to be absolutely crazy about his habits. It depends on what you can handle over the long term.


3. Butterflies are just excitement from chemistry. Try not to make them mean something other then that. It doesn't dictate whether a relationship or encounter is going to work, it just means you're excited.


4. Kids shouldn't be a conversation unless you're seriously looking for a mate . . . and I mean, hands down, if you don't want kids, you're out of the picture. . . and if you don't want to adopt kids you're out of the picture.


You're just dating right now. Conversations should center around what movie you both want to see and what you're going to bring to the BBQ at a friends on a Saturday afternoon. Decisions don't need to be made right now because if you're not sure (which is what you're voicing) then you're not ready and it was #1 on your concern list. . . kids were #4, so you psychologically listed, in order of appearance, what your priorities are right now.


Observe the behavior of the men you date. There's a lot of guys out there that have similar values that don't smoke and hunt. Take your time and get to know other guys by actually going out and having a good time. Get rid of the heavy stuff for the moment. You need to play.
 
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Peaches19 is offline Peaches19 Post #3  January 29,2009, 10:32am
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Thanks for the response!


I think I'm concerned about getting into yet another longterm thing without knowing for certain it's the best out there for me(but will i ever know?)... while at the same time, I've never felt so comfortable and connected with someone off the bat so I don't want to throw that away if it is something so rare?


I also know the whole adoption thing is waaaaayyyyyyyyyy in the future but it came up by mistake in conversation and now that it's out there it's hard to ignore something that could end things in the future. Currently we're just trying to ignore it but the more you're with someone the more you get attached and the harder it is to let go if differences like that don't work themselves out.


it's been a month of seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week and he's starting to wonder where we're going and I'm not sure what to say? Should I say i need space for a bit to figure things out (go on a few dates-wherever i magically find these guys i dunno? plus will that just confuse me more?) and then decide? should i continue to date him and just see where things go? should I end things for now & just be friends?(eventhough i love spending time with him) I dunno... I don't want to regret anything and I don't want to make a mistake? ... why am I so complicated? ...What to do?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  January 29,2009, 2:35pm
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“I wonder if I should date around a bit to feel more certain about what i want & what i have”[/b]
I’m disinclined to agree; if I was with a women for a month and she then[/i] started seeing others, she’d drop herself right to the bottom of my priority list (unless I dropped her entirely.) I think this course is risky. It’s one thing to date others if you were when you met, it is another thing to start doing so.
“How much in common is good... or bad?”[/b][/b]
I’m used to not having a lot in common … but I look for intellectual prowess, aspirations, and major lifestyle compatibility, not minor entertainments and pastimes. If you choose not to tolerate smoking in your presence or home, do you see yourself changing, or him quitting? If not, a difference of that kind could be an issue. Something like hunting I would scarcely care … every weekend, yes; a couple of trips a year, no.
“Is it better to feel comfortable with someone off the bat or to have those nervous butterflies? I wasn't necessarily attracted to him off the bat but the more I connect with him the more i'm attracted... is this good?”[/b]
For me, I expect to feel comfortable. If I have to worry about her, because she does not lend herself to predictable behavior, I would likely just move on. (I suspect I am different from a lot of guys on this, though.) I do expect to become more attracted to someone over time, as I become informed about things I hadn’t previously known.
“adopt kids.. for most guys I'm finding this is a problem”[/b]
I think you should investigate his issue: I am inferring from your post that he wants children, but only biological children? I am inclined to support his view on that issue myself, but not to a degree I would ignore my partner’s desires. Did you disclose a reason, such as your own incapacity to have children? I think your friends who favor ending the relationship are likely correct; there is a lot of misleading opinion out there, but I do not think it is wise for women to wait until their 30’s to begin planning a family.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  January 29,2009, 3:40pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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If you've come out of a LTR and simply start another LTR with the first guy you date that is a mistake. It doesn't matter whether you lose this guy or not. The problem is you're just immediatelyjumping into a LTR. My advice is for you to date a few guys whether you feel like it or not. This will start giving you a little perspective.
 
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