boyfriend won't get better job


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blueskydaysx is offline blueskydaysx Post #1  January 20,2009, 6:42pm
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Hi. I have been dating this guy for over a year and a half. Hes absolutely wonderful and i can tell he really loves me and we have so much fun together. I've dated many guys that were, well, losers. They either didn't have jobs, didnt want jobs, or just didn't care whether they had money or not bc they could mooch off of me. but he's not like that. He pays for me when he has money, and hates when i try to pay for him. He's in the army so he gets some benefits from that, but only for himself. He's very intelligent and took some courses at the local college, but quit bc he couldn't pay for them or something, not quite sure. but he keeps saying hes going to start back this winter, which becomes this spring, etc. Right now he works at a bar/club as a bartender. Hes really good at that, and he loves bartending. I support that, and i think itd be great for him to own a bar or be a GM of a bar or something longterm.. but he comes home and complains about how slow it was and how he didnt make much tips. I dont mind him complaining because thats what im here for, to ask how his day went and support him. but when i make suggestions for other jobs he could look into, he says i dont support him and i dont have faith in him. That he hates being told what he should do in his life. and that he likes bartending more than he would a 9-5 job.


My thoughts are, that ten years down the road, maybe he could still bartend, but he's in his late twenties now.. how much businesswould a guy thats almost 40 bring to a bar? I love him, and i want him to do what makes him happy. I'm going to school for a business degree and i have a 4.0 so ill probably get a good career. My fear is, that he'll never get out of this rut he's in and he'll depend on me. Im by no means a material girl that has to have a rich husband, as i said earlier its always been the opposite.If he feels the way i feel about him, and asks me to marry him sometime down the road, id love to say yes. but i dont want there to be a "but" or a condition. "but you need to get a reliable job to help support the family i really want to create". Is this selfish of me to keep pushing him to get a better job?


Lately hes also been talking about creating a mobil bar business. where he brings a bar he plans to build to catering events and serves people there. Which he thinks will only cost 5000$ to create but everyone ive mentioned it to says itd be well over 10,000 just to get started. he currently doesnt even always have the 400 dollars for rent/bills and stuff every month, and has to pick which pills are more important. How do i be both supportive of his dreams and ambitions, yet keep him aware of the reality of the situation, which is that it is very unlikely to work the way he wants it to. We brought all this up for the first time last nite bc i had said something about him getting a job with benefits bc hes having his wisdom teeth removed and the army is paying for it. It made me think about all the times hes been sick but wouldnt go get medicine bc he cant afford it without regular insurance. I just dont know what to say to him. I do believe in him, thats y i push him. bc i know he is capable of so much more and can do so much better as far as a career goes. does this sound really self-centered??
 
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blueskydaysx is offline blueskydaysx Post #2  January 22,2009, 10:31am
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nobody has replied to my post yet.. i just really wish someone had some feedback, or went through a simliar situation and could tell me how they approached it.. any thoughts would be great.. thanks =D
 
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Shades_of_Grey is offline Shades_of_Grey Post #3  January 22,2009, 11:03am
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blueskydaysx, wrote :

does this sound really self-centered??
It sounds like you areworking at taking responsibility for your life anddesire the same in a partner - and that he isn't quite there yet. You said that you are picking better models - but this one still may still be not be the right type for you.
 
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lada2 is offline lada2 Post #4  January 22,2009, 11:25am
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the guy is in the army and doesn't like people telling him what to do? he also seems to have unrealistic expectation of his capabilities with regards to the bar scene (have you thought about the cost of liability insurance for a mobil bar?)


obviously, there is tension here. yes, you ask how his day was, and support him. and that support extends to noting how tired and dispirited he is at the end of the day. suggestions for betterment don't seem to be appreciated. try backing off from the situation, and write down all the things you like about now, all the plans you hope for the future, and see where he might fit in. then see what level of interest he has in even considering your hopes and dreams.


the truth is out there, somewhere. but like the lady sitting alone at the end of the bar at closing time.,it isn't often pretty.
 
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PY is offline PY Post #5  January 22,2009, 11:32am

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You sound like a nice person.


I think it's immature ofhimto throw a hissy fit just because you suggested him to find another job...telling you that you don't support and dont have faith in him is just rude on his part and showing his immaturity.


Hates being told what he should do? Why is he in the army?


You can still love him...with caution. Little things like that will show his inflexibility in the relationship...
 
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cath817 is offline cath817 Post #6  January 22,2009, 11:42am
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He's in the army and having issues with medical? Unless things have changed, I thought people in the military saw the military doctors and had their medications given to them. Also, if he's in the army, how is he bartending at night?


Something doesn't seem quite right with the wholepicture. As for guys mooching off you, from what I read, he's doing it big time.
 
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lada2 is offline lada2 Post #7  January 22,2009, 11:43am
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lotsa guys in the army have time to moonlight, bartending and waiting tables is pretty common. Active duty should have medical care; but the formulary is pretty restricted.
 
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tarheelkarla is offline tarheelkarla Post #8  January 22,2009, 11:44am
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It sounds like your ambitions are not the same. I knew a man at the age of 50 who complained of not having his own home after his divorce but not doing anything about it. He got off work at 3:30 everyday, no children or responsibilites and could have taken a class or gotten a part-time job but he would rather complain about it. Your friend is young so I think it is a bad sign when two people aren't motivated equally and want the same things.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #9  January 22,2009, 11:48am
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blueskydaysx, wrote :

I've dated many guys that were, well, losers. They either didn't have jobs, didnt want jobs, or just didn't care whether they had money or not bc they could mooch off of me.
It sounds to me like maybe you haven't quite broken out of your pattern of picking losers yet.


Having lofty goals is good - going back to school, starting his own business, etc - but, it doesn't appear like he's making any effort to realize them. You already stated that his 'plans' concerning school have already changed at least once and anyone with a mind for business doesn't actually believe that startup capital falls like manna from heaven. Lots of startup, independentsmall business owners have primary jobs.


To be quite honest, bartending is for college kids needing a little extra income ...a mobile bartending business is, at best, a 2nd job he'd do on the side in the evenings and on the weekends. If this is the extent of his ambition, I'd say you have a long, and financially insecure road ahead of you.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #10  January 22,2009, 11:51am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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cath817,445452 wrote :

He's in the army and having issues with medical? Unless things have changed, I thought people in the military saw the military doctors and had their medications given to them. Also, if he's in the army, how is he bartending at night?


Something doesn't seem quite right with the wholepicture. As for guys mooching off you, from what I read, he's doing it big time.
He's probably a reservist and their insurance is handled differently.
 
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