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IamNoAngel IamNoAngel is offline
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I am in the process of putting my life back together and I want to find someone to share the rest of my life with. My biggest issue is my past. There are several things that I have done that I am not proud of and these are things that I have to reveal before I can consider a relationship with someone. I just don't know how to do it. I don't want to down play any of it, but I don't want to scare anyone off either.


I am 45 and my wife divorced me after 20 years of marriage. I had become addicted to prescription pain medications and eventually altered several prescriptions to get more refills. So now I'm a recovering drug addict and a convicted felon.


My story began in 2000 when I was in a major auto accident and damaged my lower back and tore up my shoulder. Since the day of the accident I took pain medication daily for 6 1/2 years while I underwent 3 major back surgeries and 2 shoulder reconstructions. I was finally able to admit thatI had an addiction problem and needed help but not before it ruined my marriage and cost me a couple of jobs. Unfortunately, I had altered prescriptions by then and had legal consquences to face as well.


I entered a residental rehab program, and participated in several out-patient programs as well. I went to court, pled guilty and was able to avoid any prison time, but will have a felony conviction for the rest of my life. As of now, I have been drug free for over 2 years and counting. I do not hide my past but it's also not in my profile.


Other than this, I have never had any problems with the law, not even speeding tickets. I truly belive I am a good, honest and caring person and most who get to know me feel the same way. Even my ex-wife agrees with this.


I have been single for the better part of 3 years now and I miss being in a relationship, being in love and having someone love me. I guess I'm looking suggestions on how to present this. I know it's a lot to take in and accept. I'm just looking for advice.
- January 19th, 2009, 06:54 pm
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bravethestorm bravethestorm is offline
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Well beside the obvious of avoiding those individuals that would tempt you to return to that lifestyle....I would just be honest. Not hello and the story but as you get to know someone explain why you need to be careful around drugs. The fact that you've been drug free a couple years is a big positive as is the single factor. That has allowed you to work through a lot of things.


I think it is a red flag for a lot of people because of the chance to return to that lifestyle but there are people that will give you a chance. Just be yourself and see who matches up with you. Good luck!
- January 19th, 2009, 07:01 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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D_Lion - Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

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I would keep this secret … but, never lie[/i]! Don’t lie, and don’t lie by omission, either. Just ignore it unless they ask.

If asked, I would give only fact-based answers: do not explain or defend yourself. Sadness and regret, I think, is the best you can do.

- January 19th, 2009, 07:33 pm
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mkeys81 mkeys81 is offline
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i wouldnt hold it against you one bit. i know a couple people who have suffered trauma's in their lives and the only way the medical community knows how to fix them is to provide them narcotics... this is a fault of the medical community, insurance companies and the drug makers which by the way have a lot of financial involvement with medical schools.


i'm not saying that you shouldnt be responsible for your actions while you were on them - everyone faces up for what they've done sooner or later. i'm saying you shouldnt feel badly about yourself or think i'm a convicted felon like people who rob liquor stores. i would venture to guess that they had you on some opiate based drugs (loratabs/oxy's) those are like heroin. a close friend of mine got so bad on oxys that he started bangin them... he isnt alife anymore =(


back to your oringial question, i would say that you just need to wait until something starts getting a little serious and then let her know. don't just come out and say that i'm a convicted felon, give her some background and build up to it - more or less let her know what your going to say before you say it. i truly don't think this is something that you need to think badly about yourself for, it sucks you ended up with a felony - you wound up a lot better off than my friend did.
- January 19th, 2009, 07:41 pm
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Songryder Songryder is offline
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IamNoAngel, wrote :

I am in the process of putting my life back together and I want to find someone to share the rest of my life with. My biggest issue is my past. There are several things that I have done that I am not proud of and these are things that I have to reveal before I can consider a relationship with someone. I just don't know how to do it. I don't want to down play any of it, but I don't want to scare anyone off either.


I am 45 and my wife divorced me after 20 years of marriage. I had become addicted to prescription pain medications and eventually altered several prescriptions to get more refills. So now I'm a recovering drug addict and a convicted felon.


My story began in 2000 when I was in a major auto accident and damaged my lower back and tore up my shoulder. Since the day of the accident I took pain medication daily for 6 1/2 years while I underwent 3 major back surgeries and 2 shoulder reconstructions. I was finally able to admit thatI had an addiction problem and needed help but not before it ruined my marriage and cost me a couple of jobs. Unfortunately, I had altered prescriptions by then and had legal consquences to face as well.


I entered a residental rehab program, and participated in several out-patient programs as well. I went to court, pled guilty and was able to avoid any prison time, but will have a felony conviction for the rest of my life. As of now, I have been drug free for over 2 years and counting. I do not hide my past but it's also not in my profile.


Other than this, I have never had any problems with the law, not even speeding tickets. I truly belive I am a good, honest and caring person and most who get to know me feel the same way. Even my ex-wife agrees with this.


I have been single for the better part of 3 years now and I miss being in a relationship, being in love and having someone love me. I guess I'm looking suggestions on how to present this. I know it's a lot to take in and accept. I'm just looking for advice.
Long haul Darlin'. The good thing here is you are continually working on your recovery, taking responsibility for your actions and staying clean. It takes a great deal of courage to admit and be remorseful for something this serious. I know someone personally who didn't and he did much worse then you. . . trust me . . . someone died because of this guy's drunk driving and he has no remorse whatsoever and is still drinking. Needless to say, I have no wish to associate with this person.


This isn't going to be easy and I think you understand this. I would talk to your counselor/sponsor or whoever you have as a support person about starting up a relationship with a woman before you start dating. It's been 3 years and although it's monumental in some ways, you're still in the midst of some heavy recovery emotionally. I'd take this very, very slowly and carefully. There's a vulnerable part of you that could fall very easily for the first person you meet because of the loneliness, but be aware that this could lead you down a very dangerous road.


Your recovery takes precedent over everything, including a relationship and you need to stay away from anyone who drinks, does drugs or anything that even smells like an addiction. It means meeting new friends who don't use and creating a whole new life for yourself.


I'd start with joining a couple of outside groups that have some type of interests you have like hiking or traveling or some kind of sports that involve both men and women so you can get used to having healthy friends and perhaps out of that, meet someone special.


In truth, and this is just my opinion, it takes 5-10 years to really get a handle on this kind of thing. You're still in the infant stages but it doesn't mean you can't work toward the goal of having a working relationship and having friends and testing the waters slowly so you can monitor your emotions and how you interact with others socially now.


I wish you well.
- January 19th, 2009, 08:18 pm
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marylovesplaya marylovesplaya is offline
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It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but I would want to know. I wouldn't tell someone unless I was going to be in a relationship with them. I agree your recovery is number one but it seems like you have a good amount of time sober. I am very wary of people with addictions, since my ex had several and I know I never want that life again. But I also know that addiction is a disease. And there are loads of people who become addicted from a legitimate injury. Finding out someone was a convicted felon might be a shock, but it's only fair to be honest with someone about it. And, at least for me, that type of a conviction is far different than others. Sorry you had to go through it, but congratulations on your recovery.
- January 20th, 2009, 08:25 am
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argytunes argytunes is offline
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argytunes Misty and I are still trying to find a house closer to the beach

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Why not NETWORK YOURSELF a little? Join the real world and sign up for group activities at your church, your library, etc.


Remember this is 2009...and all the crap you went through with the meds, etc. is past tense!


Most people who are honestly interested in you don't care about your past mistakes! They'd rather get to know the type of a guy you are TODAY!


Good Luck!


argytunes
- January 20th, 2009, 10:40 am
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tweet37 tweet37 is offline
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D_Lion wrote :

I would keep this secret … but, never lie[/i]! Don’t lie, and don’t lie by omission, either. Just ignore it unless they ask.

If asked, I would give only fact-based answers: do not explain or defend yourself. Sadness and regret, I think, is the best you can do.

Like he said.
- January 20th, 2009, 12:48 pm
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redevil999 redevil999 is offline
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redevil999 Please say trick! Please say trick!!

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D_Lion wrote :

I would keep this secret … but, never lie[/i] ! Don’t lie, and don’t lie by omission, either. Just ignore it unless they ask.

If asked, I would give only fact-based answers: do not explain or defend yourself. Sadness and regret, I think, is the best you can do.

I'm sorry D_Lion, but lying by omission is exactly what you're describing. I would never think to ask someone on a date, are you an addict and a felon?


IamNoAngel, your story is heartbreaking and congratulations on your perserverence to get your life back on track. The most important aspect is the ability to own up to what you did and show true remorse. Starting over is no picnic and staying clean is a daily challenge. Everyone deserves a second chance.


That being said, I will give you my perspective as a woman who wants to meet a long-term partner. If you tell me this info. up front, I will not date you. Not because you don't deserve a second chance, you do. But, my second chances have already been used up...by someone who had conquered their alcoholism and had been in recovery for over three years, and then transfered their addiction to a new area.


mkeys81 wrote ...back to your oringial question, i would say that you just need to wait until something starts getting a little serious and then let her know. don't just come out and say that i'm a convicted felon, give her some background and build up to it - more or less let her know what your going to say before you say it.


No.... once something starts getting serious, the person has already developed feelings. If you don't tell me this up front and I find out when I've already got feelings for you, I will feel incredibly deceived and I will dislike you intensely and it will be over.


I believe both of these posters are men. As a woman, I will tell you that being lied to is one of the worst things you can do. I would be willing to bet that most women put being lied to in their MHCS's.


If you don't tell them, it's because you are waiting to see if you are interested before exposing your baggage...I get that and many women (that have not had my experience) will be compassionate enough to consider giving you a second chance. I also realize that you want to give them the time to get to know you so they can see what a good guy you are. Many people with addictions are good people. I wouldn't wait more than a few dates and definitely tell her before any intimacy occurs. Most of us have some kind of baggage that we will keep to ourselves until we get to know someone a little. Unfortunately all of your baggage is not in the past. As an addict, you know that this is an ongoing struggle and can have a major impact on the other persons quality of life. Keep in mind this is your burden to bear and if someone chooses not to date you because of it, that is their right. Don't add deception to the mix. That is a characteristic of someone with an addiction and would tell me that they aren't taking responsibility for their actions.


I do agree that you should tell your story and not just blurt it out. This is going to be difficult on them to begin with and you need to ease them into it, and then give them plenty of room and time to think it over.


I wish you the best of luck.
- January 21st, 2009, 08:13 am
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LavenderFields LavenderFields is offline
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RedEvil, I disagree. I have been in a compatible knock your socks off relationship and I asked ALL those questions. Are you a convicted felon? Have you impregnated anybody? Have you ever abused sex, drugs, alcohol? Have you ever paid for sex? Have you ever had sex with your same sex? Have you ever been diagnosed with an STD?Have you been tested?Have your previous partner been tested after you ended the relationship? I even asked them in one date, let's just say I did need some drinks while going through them! (Besides some of those are asked just to give blood!!)


I am sorry, I agree with the guys. No need to go into details until they ask but do not hide anything. Of course, if I were you, I would not go into a committed LTR with anybody if they didn't know all of that from me, because I would want as much support as I can have.


Glad to hear you have succeeded so far,I wish you well on your continued road in recovery!
- January 21st, 2009, 12:39 pm
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