How and When to share my less than stellar past


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redevil999 is offline redevil999 Post #11  January 21,2009, 4:43pm
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LavenderFields,443281 wrote :

RedEvil, I disagree. I have been in a compatible knock your socks off relationship and I asked ALL those questions. Are you a convicted felon? Have you impregnated anybody? Have you ever abused sex, drugs, alcohol? Have you ever paid for sex? Have you ever had sex with your same sex? Have you ever been diagnosed with an STD?Have you been tested?Have your previous partner been tested after you ended the relationship? I even asked them in one date, let's just say I did need some drinks while going through them! (Besides some of those are asked just to give blood! !)


I am sorry, I agree with the guys. No need to go into details until they ask but do not hide anything. Of course, if I were you, I would not go into a committed LTR with anybody if they didn't know all of that from me, because I would want as much support as I can have.


Glad to hear you have succeeded so far,I wish you well on your continued road in recovery!
Wait...which part did you disagree with?


I think we need to create a new topic to ask how many people ask those kind of questions on a date...it'd be interesting to know.


I'm sticking with what I said. He is looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. After a few dates if he doesn't come clean I can see someone having trust issues. Plus, in this day and age of background checks, if someone runs one on him before they find out from him it will not go over well...poof!
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #12  January 21,2009, 6:23pm
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Figure out what things about your past you must initiate bringing to the table; the rest of the issues just keep to yourself unless she asks, and don't lie about it.


Topics I think should be brought up immediately by the individual include STDs, marriage history and marriage status(including children), and recent criminal history if there are any felonies. This list is not all-inclusive, these are just things I think should be brought to the forefront right away.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #13  January 21,2009, 6:59pm
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Redevil999,
Forgive me, but I think you are carrying a big personal baggage with your post.
It is not a lie that I do not disclose a matter of my history that you do not ask about or indicate you are concerned over … this is reductio ad absurdum[/i], and you ought to know that (which kicks it, by logical necessity, into do-not-tell territory.)
I can go on until the eHahaha server crashes with this grey area:
“I smoked the pot but did not inhale (or have sex with ‘that woman.&rsquo” – said the former president.
“I was abused by alcoholic parents.” = scientifically documented statistically-significant increase in the probability I will do the same to my spouse.
Where do you draw the line?[/i]
I have no way of knowing what thing(s) bug you, except through a slow process of discovery and evolving trust.
You are entitled to screen as you wish, but I screen women out for exactly the sort of wording you used in your post: absolutist reasons for rejecting guys, negative criteria derived from past partners applied to prospective partners, and iron-clad conclusions.
Fact is, what I know about narcotics, prescription or otherwise, I read in the New York Times. But when I get a woman’s profile with “I don’t date druggies,” I know she has a pattern of having made bad choices in her life.
 
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redevil999 is offline redevil999 Post #14  January 21,2009, 9:35pm
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D_Lion,444233 wrote :
Redevil999,
Forgive me, but I think you are carrying a big personal baggage with your post.
It is not a lie that I do not disclose a matter of my history that you do not ask about or indicate you are concerned over … this is reductio ad absurdum[/i] , and you ought to know that (which kicks it, by logical necessity, into do-not-tell territory.)
I can go on until the eHahaha server crashes with this grey area:
“I smoked the pot but did not inhale (or have sex with ‘that woman.&rsquo” – said the former president.
“I was abused by alcoholic parents.” = scientifically documented statistically-significant increase in the probability I will do the same to my spouse.
Where do you draw the line?[/i]
I have no way of knowing what thing(s) bug you, except through a slow process of discovery and evolving trust.
You are entitled to screen as you wish, but I screen women out for exactly the sort of wording you used in your post: absolutist reasons for rejecting guys, negative criteria derived from past partners applied to prospective partners, and iron-clad conclusions.
Fact is, what I know about narcotics, prescription or otherwise, I read in the New York Times. But when I get a woman’s profile with “I don’t date druggies,” I know she has a pattern of having made bad choices in her life.



D_Lion,


Lying by omission is not telling someone something that you think they would want/need to know. The implication of the omission is to deceive. Would a woman want to know if they are dating an addict and felon? Uhhh...yeah, probably 100% of us would want to know that. If you need further proof about how many women feel about lying (and most of us include "by omission" in this category) look at this topic:"Do guys lie about their age?" This is a little white lie compared to the one we're talking about here.


I think part of your confusion lies with the fact that you think his problem is history . You admit you know little about the topic, but it is something he will be dealing with for the rest of his life...and it wasn't a little addiction, re-read his post. He lost his wife of 20 years, a couple of jobs, several stints in rehab, his financial situation and credit have probably been damaged and this is before we even talk about possible relapse issues. If there is a relapse, he could repeat this cycle over again, but he wouldn't find the judge as compassionate the second time around. This is serious stuff.


I may be carrying some personal baggage regarding this issue and that's why I put it right out there for him to see and consider. But I was the person he is looking for right now and I did have compassion, so that much can give him hope. The guy I'm talking about told me on the second date and I made the choice to continue dating him. At the time I knew about as much about the subject as you do now. Unfortunately I'm now much more familiar with the possible side effects. The point I'm trying to make is that we women are a compassionate and forgiving bunch and he probably will find someone that will give him a chance. I'm just advising him to be up front about it so she has a choice.


"I have no way of knowing what thing(s) bug you..." I think this one's a no-brainer for any woman.


This is hilarious and hypocritical. You think a woman is absurd because she would screen out an addict and felon, yet you would screen a woman for wording?


You would accept the druggie, but reject the woman who made the bad choice of dating said druggie.


It isn't a pattern and I don't intend to make it one, that's is why I said I wouldn't do it again. You would condemn me for rejecting him and you would condemn me for making another bad choice. It's no wonder that girls want to wring your neck...it sounds like you're carrying quite a bit of baggage yourself.


IamNoAngel, I didn't mean for this post to get so brutal, but you and I both know what you are facing and I don't want to just tell you what I think you want to hear. I think you are smart for putting this out there and getting feedback. If you ignore everything else I've said, at least consider this: You will get rejected by some women when you tell them of your situation. It's a given, prepare yourself. Do you really want to start out being deceptive to a woman who may be one of the few that will give you a chance? Like I said, let her get to know you a little, a couple of dates. Then I think you should be up front about it. You seem to have a very caring relationship with your ex, why don't you ask her about it? She would know what you are asking of a woman and she has your best interests at heart.


I would say to pay close attention to what the women say on this board, because after all that is your target audience. And we all know men don't even understand, let alone think like, a woman.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #15  January 22,2009, 4:12pm
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“This is hilarious and hypocritical. You think a woman is absurd because she would screen out an addict and felon, yet you would screen a woman for wording?”
Hilarity is usually my goal, but I sure failed to get my point across … I would absolutely screen out the drug user or criminal. I have, you know, assets and reputation to consider. My point was that, when I see in a profile “I don’t date druggies” (which I see with some regularity), I assume that that woman was too accepting of destructive and dangerous people into her life, and that she may endanger me if I allow her into mine. I’m probably too[/i] worried, but I’ve kept myself safe.
“He lost his wife of 20 years, a couple of jobs, several stints in rehab, his financial situation and credit have probably been damaged”
Excepting the relapse, the rest of this applies to many people. I think most people dating at mid-life have divorced, most lose jobs during their career, and most have financial struggles at some point.
“sounds like you're carrying quite a bit of baggage yourself”
I carry the peremptory kind and not the experiential kind. I leave it to you to say which is worse.
***
I still think you seem harsh to say that my advice is the lie by omission … I can’t guess which gal cares that I (figuratively) had some pot in high school, which gal cares that I got arrested for skateboarding in city hall, which gal cares how many partners I previously had, which gal cares to divine how I’ll treat her based on how I get along with my mother … and on and on …
Yes, he owes her the truth once she indicates it is an issue[/i] (in the same way, should I find myself on a date with a woman who says “I only will consider a virgin,” to confess that I’m not.)
 
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cath817 is offline cath817 Post #16  January 22,2009, 4:22pm
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D_Lion,444233 wrote :
Redevil999,
Forgive me, but I think you are carrying a big personal baggage with your post.
It is not a lie that I do not disclose a matter of my history that you do not ask about or indicate you are concerned over … this is reductio ad absurdum[/i], and you ought to know that (which kicks it, by logical necessity, into do-not-tell territory.)
I can go on until the eHahaha server crashes with this grey area:
“I smoked the pot but did not inhale (or have sex with ‘that woman.&rsquo” – said the former president.
“I was abused by alcoholic parents.” = scientifically documented statistically-significant increase in the probability I will do the same to my spouse.
Where do you draw the line?[/i]
I have no way of knowing what thing(s) bug you, except through a slow process of discovery and evolving trust.
You are entitled to screen as you wish, but I screen women out for exactly the sort of wording you used in your post: absolutist reasons for rejecting guys, negative criteria derived from past partners applied to prospective partners, and iron-clad conclusions.
Fact is, what I know about narcotics, prescription or otherwise, I read in the New York Times. But when I get a woman’s profile with “I don’t date druggies,” I know she has a pattern of having made bad choices in her life.


It might not be her past...it might be her career choice. A fair number of people have jobs that a partner with a bad history could have an impact on.


Ihad a Top Secret clearance in the State Department, my ex has one that's higher than that. It's not too difficult to lose that clearance. Even in State government jobs, your choice of friends and partners cancause you some major problems.


Just another point of view....
 
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