fishgraphics is offline fishgraphics Post #11  January 23,2009, 5:06am
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Lipsis, wrote :

Here is my story. I am 23 year old woman: virgin by choice. The status is not linked to any religious reason whatsoever. I have had sexual experiences in a past serious relationship I had. Even though I felt i was deeply in love, I got pressured to have sex constantly, but I kept saying no, because I didn't feel prepared to have a dedicated sex life. Funny thing is just when I felt "ready" to be with him, the -ex leaves me, one of the big reasons being: he was not getting any intercourse and he was just tired of waiting for me after a 10 month relationship. I know everyone is different, and we all look for different things that satisfy us in a relationship, and I understand that sex is part of human nature, but at least for me, it has a more psychological depth to it. Once the relationship ended I felt completely guilty. 1. Because "everyone-else" IS or SHOULD be having sex and I wasn't and 2. Because I felt in love and I simply just wasn't there yet. I just need reassurance that I am doing the right thing by listening to my inner self as to when to have sex and with whom. It's not about waiting until marriage or anything, is just a combination of factors that should make me feel I'm prepared for it.
Lipsis, everyone has their own reason for having, or not having sex. Whether it's religion, or just personal preference, the one that remains is, does the guy you're with respect you enough to wait until you're ready without trying to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do? The bottom line is, a guy that can't wait, who's focused only on a sexual relationship, is probably not the best person to be with because they probably wont respect you in the future. Find someone who respects you and your wishes, and you've probably found someone worth keeping.
 
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HearMeRoar is offline HearMeRoar Post #12  January 24,2009, 9:45am
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Anyone ever seen Splendor in the Grass? I lived it.


This post brings back memories of my first boyfriend and first love. I was 15 and in love. He was my first kiss. I wanted to marry him when I graduated from college, and my world revolved around him.


I was, of course, a virgin. He pressured me every day. And I didn't have the best parental guidance. My mother told me, "You better do something for that boy, or he's going to break-up with you." I kept chickening out of sex though because I was scared.


Finally, he broke up with me after six months and started dating a girl with a $/utty reputation. I was devastated and heart-broken. I couldn't even get out of bed and quit sobbing for days.


Eventually, I did have sex a couple of years later. I don't want to go into too much details---but I was totally wasted and wouldn't have been able to do it otherwise. Fortunately, the guy was my boyfriend. He did know that I didn't want to have sex that night. But he also gave me what got me wasted, hoping that I would.


I think that sex was a large part of why he was with me. We eventually broke up. And I've had numerous break-ups and a divorce since then. Honestly, I'd say that having sex too soon has made some of my relationships progress too soon---before we knew each other. And a couple of times having sex too soon has also caused me to question---oh geez, what have I done? That didn't help those relationships, which weren't meant to be anyway.


I'm okay now with the times that I didn't have sex and the times that I did. They were all part of the learning and growing process that has led me to happiness. What is that happiness?


Well, twenty-one years after losing my virginity, I love myself. And I want someone who loves me for who I am uniquely and is willing to get to know who I am uniquely before getting to know me sexually. I want someone who cares enough about my well-being to want me to be comfortable. I want someone who I love and respect for who he is uniquely. And I'll care enough about him not to put myself in a situation where we'll have sex until we both feel ready for the relationship to move forward.


But knowing that the best laid plans oft gang aft aglee---I'm okay with whatever lies ahead. Sex---no sex---o.k. preferably there is sex in my future.


And I love myself and my life enough that I'm happy on my own if I don't find him. I'm so lucky for all the love and beauty in my life.


My wish for you is that you be gentle with yourself. You don't have to do anything that you are not ready for. Might you lose a relationship over it? Absolutely. But that's o.k. If you forced yourself forward before you were ready, you could also lose that relationship. Some things just aren't meant to be. And some points in our lives just aren't the time for a relationship. Trust me, when you hit your mid-30's, then you'll have a hard time stopping yourself from having sex---boy do things ever change.


Be true to yourself and to your process. Learn and grow through all of it.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #13  January 24,2009, 10:18am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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HearMeRoar,449469 wrote :

I was, of course, a virgin. He pressured me every day. And I didn't have the best parental guidance. My mother told me, "You better do something for that boy, or he's going to break-up with you." I kept chickening out of sex though because I was scared.
What? Your mother tried to pressure you into having sex with you boyfriend??? Wow. I'm not even going to ask about that.
 
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HearMeRoar is offline HearMeRoar Post #14  January 24,2009, 10:24am
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jayjay,449515 wrote :


HearMeRoar,449469 wrote :


I was, of course, a virgin. He pressured me every day. And I didn't have the best parental guidance. My mother told me, "You better do something for that boy, or he's going to break-up with you." I kept chickening out of sex though because I was scared.


What? Your mother tried to pressure you into having sex with you boyfriend??? Wow. I'm not even going to ask about that.


Yeah, I know. That's how you make a writer---and how you make someone who devotes her life to child and teen development.


Troubling parenting behavior, yes----painful over the years, of course---but I've spent 22 years processing it and am so happy and at peace today.


And I forgive her. Bless her poor heart---I only wish I could help her feel as good as I do today and teach her that happiness, fulfillment, and self-love are places that we build for ourselves---a place we can build each day no matter what anyone else does or says.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #15  January 24,2009, 10:49am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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HearMeRoar,449523 wrote :

jayjay,449515 wrote :


HearMeRoar,449469 wrote :


I was, of course, a virgin. He pressured me every day. And I didn't have the best parental guidance. My mother told me, "You better do something for that boy, or he's going to break-up with you." I kept chickening out of sex though because I was scared.


What? Your mother tried to pressure you into having sex with you boyfriend??? Wow. I'm not even going to ask about that.


Yeah, I know. That's how you make a writer---and how you make someone who devotes her life to child and teen development.


Troubling parenting behavior, yes----painful over the years, of course---but I've spent 22 years processing it and am so happy and at peace today.


And I forgive her. Bless her poor heart---I only wish I could help her feel as good as I do today and teach her that happiness, fulfillment, and self-love are places that we build for ourselves---a place we can build each day no matter what anyone else does or says.
That's great to hear. Goodfor you!
 
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HearMeRoar is offline HearMeRoar Post #16  January 24,2009, 1:34pm
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jayjay,449552 wrote :

HearMeRoar,449523 wrote :


jayjay,449515 wrote :


HearMeRoar,449469 wrote :


I was, of course, a virgin. He pressured me every day. And I didn't have the best parental guidance. My mother told me, "You better do something for that boy, or he's going to break-up with you." I kept chickening out of sex though because I was scared.


What? Your mother tried to pressure you into having sex with you boyfriend??? Wow. I'm not even going to ask about that.


Yeah, I know. That's how you make a writer---and how you make someone who devotes her life to child and teen development.


Troubling parenting behavior, yes----painful over the years, of course---but I've spent 22 years processing it and am so happy and at peace today.


And I forgive her. Bless her poor heart---I only wish I could help her feel as good as I do today and teach her that happiness, fulfillment, and self-love are places that we build for ourselves---a place we can build each day no matter what anyone else does or says.


That's great to hear. Goodfor you!
Thanks JJ.
 
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BobinFla is offline BobinFla Post #17  January 24,2009, 2:09pm
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Keep doing what you are doing. If it don't feel right, don't indulge and any guy who tries to pressure you to have sex is not worth having, he does not respect you. I cannot speak for all guys, in fact just me, but I find it refreshing to see someone who sticks with their values and doesn't let others push them into something they are not ready for.
 
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debdjjm is offline debdjjm Post #18  May 10,2009, 11:09pm
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hi

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Lipsis, wrote :

Here is my story. I am 23 year old woman: virgin by choice. The status is not linked to any religious reason whatsoever. I have had sexual experiences in a past serious relationship I had. Even though I felt i was deeply in love, I got pressured to have sex constantly, but I kept saying no, because I didn't feel prepared to have a dedicated sex life. Funny thing is just when I felt "ready" to be with him, the -ex leaves me, one of the big reasons being: he was not getting any intercourse and he was just tired of waiting for me after a 10 month relationship. I know everyone is different, and we all look for different things that satisfy us in a relationship, and I understand that sex is part of human nature, but at least for me, it has a more psychological depth to it. Once the relationship ended I felt completely guilty. 1. Because "everyone-else" IS or SHOULD be having sex and I wasn't and 2. Because I felt in love and I simply just wasn't there yet. I just need reassurance that I am doing the right thing by listening to my inner self as to when to have sex and with whom. It's not about waiting until marriage or anything, is just a combination of factors that should make me feel I'm prepared for it.
Here, here!! You are so doing the right thing....listening to your inner heart and your own instincts. You will know when it is right and possibly good that the last guy got away before you succumbed to his pressure - otherwise you would be full of regret now....why do I say that you ask? Because I believe this guy was not in love with you. He wasn't in the relationship for the right reasons, and sorry to say that....just my opinion. Anyone that constantly pressures you is not the right one! The man of your dreams will wait for you to be ready and would only want this! Being in love is all about placing as much or nearly as much importance on your partner's needs as much as your own, their happiness is important to you and you wish for them to feel comfortable; to feel good about themselves. He clearly didn't - well he wanted to make himself happy! Sorry if this has come across as harsh.
 
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musmusculus is offline musmusculus Post #19  May 11,2009, 1:30pm
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is in a relationship!!!!!!

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Lipsis, wrote :

Here is my story. I am 23 year old woman: virgin by choice. The status is not linked to any religious reason whatsoever. I have had sexual experiences in a past serious relationship I had. Even though I felt i was deeply in love, I got pressured to have sex constantly, but I kept saying no, because I didn't feel prepared to have a dedicated sex life. Funny thing is just when I felt "ready" to be with him, the -ex leaves me, one of the big reasons being: he was not getting any intercourse and he was just tired of waiting for me after a 10 month relationship. I know everyone is different, and we all look for different things that satisfy us in a relationship, and I understand that sex is part of human nature, but at least for me, it has a more psychological depth to it. Once the relationship ended I felt completely guilty. 1. Because "everyone-else" IS or SHOULD be having sex and I wasn't and 2. Because I felt in love and I simply just wasn't there yet. I just need reassurance that I am doing the right thing by listening to my inner self as to when to have sex and with whom. It's not about waiting until marriage or anything, is just a combination of factors that should make me feel I'm prepared for it.
No means no. I'm always bewildered about what part of this word some guys simply don't get. You made your wishes clear early in the relationship. If the guy had a problem with that, he should have left you after the first month instead of hanging around for 10. Constantly pressuring you to have sex was an emotional violation - you're better off without him.
 
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