Ice Queens... What is the right approach to take?


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ManekiNeko is offline ManekiNeko Post #1  December 11,2008, 7:54pm
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wanted to leave peacefully but the EhA mods deleted his final post

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I know a lot of people have had it be ambiguous when it comes to what exactly an "ice queen" is. So let me give you two perfect examples:

1) She's going out with you, she loves going places with you -- but it's been two months and you haven't even gotten one kiss from her! Her philosophy is right out of the Victorian Era. She swears she'll never have sex until she's married, She doesn't want to be too affectionate or sexy because no one wants her to think she's that kind of girl, so she hides her affection and would never think of skinny dipping in that jacuzzi or flashing you her boobs... why the thought is horrible!

or


2) You finally get the balls up to do something you've never done before, and you know you're not that good but you want your date to at least be a little supportive. She's poking fun at you -- you've had your good natured ribbing but after the initial laugh, you say "no, really... what did you think?" and she answers with a cold, uncaring "No, you really don't want to know!". It seems very hard to get her to react in any emotional way, except for the verbal cynicism that she doles out.


Alright. You've probably figured out that I dated a lady who met BOTH of these criteria, and to be honest with you -- it sucked. I had fun when I was taking her to the movies or stuff, but after a while it does grate, and let's be honest... both these types are about as exciting as sitting through a board meeting of insurance salesmen.

That said, here's the question because I sure as hell ain't gonna wait three years to find out that the person doesn't love me at all AGAIN: How would you deal with someone who met one or the other criteria and was an "Ice Queen"? would you be direct and just level with her, or would you be more polite? If the latter, what would you say that would get the point across, but not completely slam the ice queen against the wall?
 
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LonelyStarState is offline LonelyStarState Post #2  December 11,2008, 9:18pm

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ignore the biotch and let her suffer in her misery by herself. don't look back. she gets what she deserves and deserves what she gets.
 
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DreamingOfAtlantis is offline DreamingOfAtlantis Post #3  December 11,2008, 11:19pm
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Honestly, the right approach to take is one that leads you away from her.


Seriously.


Life has enough drama in it as it is and relationships are hard enough under normal situations. Sometimes an Ice Queen is that way because she's been sexually abused and if she hasn't dealt with those issues, then you've got a ton of work just to get close to her. There's a good chance she'll play super-slut to men she barely knows yet hardly ever have sex with men she loves -- or other seemingly bizarre behaviors. Such a person needs serious treatment for years. Now that's just an extreme example and for convenience I usually focus on the extreme first. There could be a lot of other reasons for Ice Queens, but the long and short of it is that if there's that much drama involved, it'll only get worse as time goes on.


Now, not to go after you personally, and this is not only out of concern and from my own experiences, but if you're dealing with the issue of depression you've talked about, it must be hard enough for you to have the energy needed for a relationship. You've got a lot your dealing with on your own -- a lot of serious issues that are tough to deal with. Why add on someone else's issue from someone you'd like to share time with if they're setting up hurdles to you being together? In other words, if things are already tough, why date someone who will only make things tougher?


You don't deserve an Ice Queen like that. Nobody does. If a woman doesn't appreciate you and isn't willing to show appreciation of you, is she really deserving of your time?
 
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DreamingOfAtlantis is offline DreamingOfAtlantis Post #4  December 11,2008, 11:20pm
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If she doesn't appreciate you and is unwilling to share her appreciation of you with you, then wouldn't you say that as a human, you deserve more?





I had a better reply, but when I clicked "Submit," I got the log-in screen (I hate that -- I have control over my computer, why does eHA make me keep logging in every day?)
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #5  December 12,2008, 6:08am
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Are women seriously like this? I mean the 1st one sounds like she just wants to be friends. And the second one sounds like she doesn't even know the meaning to the word "friend".


My advice, keep looking and stay far-far away from ice-queens. But that wasn't what you asked...so here's what I would say...


"I'm not going to waste my time, or your time. If you don't see us going anywhere, let me know now. I've been used and hurt in the past, and I'm not going to let it happen again." If she asks why you think she would be like those that have hurt in the past...explain to her that she has the exact same characteristics.
 
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brixjnz is offline brixjnz Post #6  December 12,2008, 6:47am
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Bah. "...used and hurt in the past...". Everyone has been. If she's really an ice queen, she won't care about your "secret pain".


Try this: "You sometimes come across as cold and disinterested and I would really just like to know if it's because you actually aren't interested in a relationship with me. Because I need more from you. If you can't handle that I would like to know now so that we don't both waste our time."


OR


"You are one cold beeotch!!! I think I need to find a woman with a pulse. SEE YA!!!!"
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #7  December 12,2008, 6:50am
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Treat both of them like you would anyone else you have major value differences with ...send them packingin the most direct and truthful way possible.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #8  December 12,2008, 6:51am
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Two months and no kissing?? What's up wid dat? I would've ditched her after the third date.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #9  December 12,2008, 7:50am
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ManekiNeko, wrote :

I know a lot of people have had it be ambiguous when it comes to what exactly an "ice queen" is. So let me give you two perfect examples:

1) She's going out with you, she loves going places with you -- but it's been two months and you haven't even gotten one kiss from her! Her philosophy is right out of the Victorian Era. She swears she'll never have sex until she's married, She doesn't want to be too affectionate or sexy because no one wants her to think she's that kind of girl, so she hides her affection and would never think of skinny dipping in that jacuzzi or flashing you her boobs... why the thought is horrible!

or


2) You finally get the balls up to do something you've never done before, and you know you're not that good but you want your date to at least be a little supportive. She's poking fun at you -- you've had your good natured ribbing but after the initial laugh, you say "no, really... what did you think?" and she answers with a cold, uncaring "No, you really don't want to know!". It seems very hard to get her to react in any emotional way, except for the verbal cynicism that she doles out.


Alright. You've probably figured out that I dated a lady who met BOTH of these criteria, and to be honest with you -- it sucked. I had fun when I was taking her to the movies or stuff, but after a while it does grate, and let's be honest... both these types are about as exciting as sitting through a board meeting of insurance salesmen.

That said, here's the question because I sure as hell ain't gonna wait three years to find out that the person doesn't love me at all AGAIN: How would you deal with someone who met one or the other criteria and was an "Ice Queen"? would you be direct and just level with her, or would you be more polite? If the latter, what would you say that would get the point across, but not completely slam the ice queen against the wall?
I think you need to fine-tune your spider sense, my friend.
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #10  December 12,2008, 10:30pm
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Since I don't date women I can't comment on Ice Queens ;-) But I have dated a few men over the years who were chilly and sarcastic. If I feel worse fter the date than I did before the date,it'snot a good sign.


If I ever run into this situation again, I'd save myself a lot of grief and attempt to addressit directlyby saying something like, "I'll be honest here.I'm not feeling any affection from you and sometimes you say hurtful things to me. I'd like to talk about this because I'm not comfortable with the way things are going between us." Whether we went any further would depend upon his reaction.
 
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