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katykat katykat is offline
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My bf and I have been together over a year now. Last year, he went to his parents which is 2 hours away. I stayed home with my 2 kids. I am divorced and with just the 3 of us, it was kind of lonely. My family gets together Christmas Eve. Christmas day we do our own thing, go to inlaws, whatever. This year I asked my boyfriend if we could spend Christmas day together. He said no, that it's for family and he always spends the night at his parents house and wakes up there on Christmas Day. He is single, no kids so he has done that all his life. I understand wanting to be with family, but we are both in our 30's. I don't see why we cant spend it together AND with family. I suggested spending the 24th with my family and the 25th with his. He says that it will be awkward, that he'd have to ask his parents if the kids and I could come andasked "how could you impose on them like that?" Then he says he asked and they were 'hesitant' but said yes. Then said they told him tomake sure my kids are under control. They are actually well behaved but typical kids so there is a possibilty of them running around but nothing major or nothing I can't control anyways. I just feelreally bad about the whole thing. He wants to spend the night there on the 24th and wake up there which means id have to take all my kids things, stockings, everything out there. I asked him if we could all just wake up at my house, open presents, then head out to his parents on Christmas. He said he wouldn't do that and that it would break tradition. He wants to spend it like he has ALL his life, but as an adult, shouldn't he try to compromise a little? Am I asking too much? Is he asking too much of me and my kids? My kids are 8 and 9 and would feel the same about waking up here or there. They don't care. I just think waking up in their own house is best. I can't drive in snow and ice. He can and so thats why Id want to ride with him either the 24th or the day of the 25th. He thinks I should happy that he asked and I got what I wanted but it's how he handled the whole thing. He said he was fine not spending Christmas with me and I feel I had to beg him to agree to it. Now I feel like a burden on him and his family.


What is reasonable for all of us? What advice do you have for me?


- December 3rd, 2008, 01:12 pm
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Brad01 Brad01 is offline
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It seems like hes more interested in his family than you, but that's just my perspective, Honestly when I'm looking for a relationship I say to hell with tradition and spend it with the woman I want to be with. Your not asking too much he's just not opening up to new ways, he's closed in and doesn't want change something, it almost seems like he's afraid of changes. I can't prove that theory though since were only talking about one matter here, but he needs to be able to break tradition alittle let him know there will be many other christmases to come and it won't be his last to spend with his family. He should choose to spend christmas with you if he likes you or loves you in my opinion.
- December 3rd, 2008, 01:21 pm
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tweet37 tweet37 is offline
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The he11 with tradition. Start a new tradition. Traditions have to start sometime, don't they? Sounds like his underoos are a little too tight.
- December 3rd, 2008, 01:36 pm
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steph86 steph86 is offline
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Seems like he's more interested in his family traditions than your relationship. You've been together for over a year - seems like he'd want to spend Christmas with his girlfriend. It also seems weird to me that he had to ask his parents if you and your children could come over. Don't they know about your relationship? Seems to me that it would be the natural order of things for parents to automatically include their son's girlfriend.
- December 3rd, 2008, 02:05 pm
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Immerito Immerito is offline
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"It also seems weird to me that he had to ask his parents if you and your children could come over. "


I viewed that as polite; etiquette dictates that you not bring over uninvited guests unannounced. Ideally, his parents would extend an invitation to the OP and her children as well as their son. If he was hosting the dinner, the decision would be up to him, but since it is at her place, she decides how many people she can entertain.
- December 3rd, 2008, 02:19 pm
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cath817 cath817 is offline
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He says that it will be awkward, that he'd have to ask his parents if the kids and I could come and asked "how could you impose on them like that?" Then he says he asked and they were 'hesitant' but said yes. Then said they told him to make sure my kids are under control.


I don't understand this whole business. In our family, whoever we were dating AND their kids were alwaysmade welcome, especially for holidays. Now we, as adults, do the same for our children and their significant others. They are always welcome in our homes.
- December 3rd, 2008, 02:29 pm
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Immerito Immerito is offline
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katykat, wrote :

My bf and I have been together over a year now. Last year, he went to his parents which is 2 hours away. I stayed home with my 2 kids. I am divorced and with just the 3 of us, it was kind of lonely. My family gets together Christmas Eve. Christmas day we do our own thing, go to inlaws, whatever. This year I asked my boyfriend if we could spend Christmas day together. He said no, that it's for family and he always spends the night at his parents house and wakes up there on Christmas Day. He is single, no kids so he has done that all his life. I understand wanting to be with family, but we are both in our 30's. I don't see why we cant spend it together AND with family. I suggested spending the 24th with my family and the 25th with his. He says that it will be awkward, that he'd have to ask his parents if the kids and I could come andasked "how could you impose on them like that?" Then he says he asked and they were 'hesitant' but said yes. Then said they told him tomake sure my kids are under control. They are actually well behaved but typical kids so there is a possibilty of them running around but nothing major or nothing I can't control anyways. I just feelreally bad about the whole thing. He wants to spend the night there on the 24th and wake up there which means id have to take all my kids things, stockings, everything out there. I asked him if we could all just wake up at my house, open presents, then head out to his parents on Christmas. He said he wouldn't do that and that it would break tradition. He wants to spend it like he has ALL his life, but as an adult, shouldn't he try to compromise a little? Am I asking too much? Is he asking too much of me and my kids? My kids are 8 and 9 and would feel the same about waking up here or there. They don't care. I just think waking up in their own house is best. I can't drive in snow and ice. He can and so thats why Id want to ride with him either the 24th or the day of the 25th. He thinks I should happy that he asked and I got what I wanted but it's how he handled the whole thing. He said he was fine not spending Christmas with me and I feel I had to beg him to agree to it. Now I feel like a burden on him and his family.


What is reasonable for all of us? What advice do you have for me?

Solutions:


1) Accept the fact that, for your boyfriend, this tradition is inmovable. He is highly unlikely to change unless he wants to change.


2) People have different opinions regarding parenting; it seems that in the eyes of his parents, their previous exposure to your children has left them with the impression that they are unruly and misbehaved. If you have an idea of what they consider to be "good" behavior, thentalk with your kids about the importance of being on their best behavior at someone else's home.


But, unless you are willing to drive out to his parents on the day of Christmas, it looks like the two of you are at an impasse.


Don't nag your boyfriend, don't try to pressure him to change, or he will become more resolute.


Decide if you are willing to make the drive and ensure that the kids behave, as befits guests in another person's home.


If you are not willing to do one or both, spend time with your family, and decide if the issue is important enough to you that you want a new guy who will split time between his family and you, or if you are willing to look past this fault.
- December 3rd, 2008, 02:32 pm
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Immerito Immerito is offline
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cath817 wrote :

He says that it will be awkward, that he'd have to ask his parents if the kids and I could come and asked "how could you impose on them like that?" Then he says he asked and they were 'hesitant' but said yes. Then said they told him to make sure my kids are under control.


I don't understand this whole business. In our family, whoever we were dating AND their kids were alwaysmade welcome, especially for holidays. Now we, as adults, do the same for our children and their significant others. They are always welcome in our homes.
Every family is different; apparently the OP's boyfriend is in a family that has expectations of how children ought to behave which differ from the OP.


Maybe his parents thought OP's kids were rude at the dinner table (playing with food, refusing to eat "X", demanding special meals because "i don't like this") Maybe the kids were being loud and running around the house. People with grown kids (or no children) often have expensive furniture and knick knacks that could easily be damaged or destroyed.


Maybe the kids were being loud and disrupting conversation among the adults.


Who knows? For whatever reason, the OP's kids rubbed his parents the wrong way. If it's important enough to the OP, she should determine what bothered his parents, and decide if she (and her children) can live up with their expectation of "controlled" behavior, at least for part of one day.
- December 3rd, 2008, 02:38 pm
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cath817 cath817 is offline
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Immerito wrote :


cath817 wrote :


He says that it will be awkward, that he'd have to ask his parents if the kids and I could come and asked "how could you impose on them like that?" Then he says he asked and they were 'hesitant' but said yes. Then said they told him to make sure my kids are under control.


I don't understand this whole business. In our family, whoever we were dating AND their kids were alwaysmade welcome, especially for holidays. Now we, as adults, do the same for our children and their significant others. They are always welcome in our homes.


Every family is different; apparently the OP's boyfriend is in a family that has expectations of how children ought to behave which differ from the OP.


Maybe his parents thought OP's kids were rude at the dinner table (playing with food, refusing to eat "X", demanding special meals because "i don't like this") Maybe the kids were being loud and running around the house. People with grown kids (or no children) often have expensive furniture and knick knacks that could easily be damaged or destroyed.


Maybe the kids were being loud and disrupting conversation among the adults.


Who knows? For whatever reason, the OP's kids rubbed his parents the wrong way. If it's important enough to the OP, she should determine what bothered his parents, and decide if she (and her children) can live up with their expectation of "controlled" behavior, at least for part of one day.


I see what you're saying, but his question about "imposing" on the parents was a bit shocking.


Sounds like a difficult situation all 'round.


- December 3rd, 2008, 02:52 pm
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steph86 steph86 is offline
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Immerito wrote :

"It also seems weird to me that he had to ask his parents if you and your children could come over. "


I viewed that as polite; etiquette dictates that you not bring over uninvited guests unannounced. Ideally, his parents would extend an invitation to the OP and her children as well as their son. If he was hosting the dinner, the decision would be up to him, but since it is at her place, she decides how many people she can entertain.
I completely agree that asking is the proper thing to do. What's weird to me is the fact that she wasn't invited to begin with - almost like the parents have no clue that their son is in a relationship that has been going on for over a year. I don't have all the info, so obviously I'm making presumptions here. Maybe something happened in the past where the parents are hesitant to have her and the kids over again.
- December 3rd, 2008, 03:30 pm
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