Advice and Support from Thousands of Users Just Like You

Ask a Dating Expert See what our experts have to say, and then weigh in with your own advice. This discussion board is a great place to discover the wisdom of the group.

Reply
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Immerito Immerito is offline
Immerito's Avatar

Quick Study

Join Date: Jul 2008

Posts: 99

See profile

steph86 wrote :

Immerito wrote :


"It also seems weird to me that he had to ask his parents if you and your children could come over. "


I viewed that as polite; etiquette dictates that you not bring over uninvited guests unannounced. Ideally, his parents would extend an invitation to the OP and her children as well as their son. If he was hosting the dinner, the decision would be up to him, but since it is at her place, she decides how many people she can entertain.


I completely agree that asking is the proper thing to do. What's weird to me is the fact that she wasn't invited to begin with - almost like the parents have no clue that their son is in a relationship that has been going on for over a year. I don't have all the info, so obviously I'm making presumptions here. Maybe something happened in the past where the parents are hesitant to have her and the kids over again.
Ideally, the boyfriend's parents should have extended an invitation, but from the sounds of things, it seems that his parents were rubbed the wrong way by the kids, and so they're a little "gun shy".


Given those circumstances, it's understandable for the boyfriend to ask if OP and her children could join them.


That doesn't mean that it's the best response, but given how mostpeople tend to react when they feel slighted/put upon/disrespected, boyfriend's parents hesitation is not unexpected.
- December 3rd, 2008, 04:03 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#11   Reply With Quote
Immerito Immerito is offline
Immerito's Avatar

Quick Study

Join Date: Jul 2008

Posts: 99

See profile



Some alternate ways you can celebrate Christmas with your boyfriend:


1) Take a carriage and/or sleigh ride (with or withoutthe kids).


2) Drive around and look at the Christmas decorations.


3) Take the kids sledding and bring along a tobaggan large enough to accomodate you both.
- December 3rd, 2008, 04:06 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#12   Reply With Quote
MoneyHoney MoneyHoney is offline
MoneyHoney's Avatar

Quick Study

Join Date: Aug 2008

Posts: 72

See profile



Christmas is for children, so I would definitely have the children wake up Christmas Day in their own home so they can open presents and be in comfortable surroundings. You can make your own traditions with your children. Why doesn't the BF come to your house for Christmas dinner? I bet by the end of the afternoon he will be ready to leave his parents' house, and I don't know any guy who would turn down two Christmas dinners (one early afternoon with the parents and one later on with you and your children)!





Your children are yours forever so you should do what is best for them, especially on Christmas, which is a holiday they will remember forever.Unfortunately, BF's come and go. I hate to tell you this, butthis one does not sound likehusband material to me.
- December 3rd, 2008, 04:43 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#13   Reply With Quote
katykat katykat is offline
katykat's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Oct 2008

Posts: 20

See profile



Well, I was just over there at his parents for Thanksgiving weekend. Spent the t-day with my kids then they went with their father because it was his year to have them. It worked out perfect. My bf parents really like me and of course, fully aware we are together. It's just the fact I had to bring it up. I had to ask my bf if he wanted to be with me that day. I had to ask him, offer suggestions, etc. he did nothing but ask mommy and daddy and I have to bend over backwards to haul everything out there. He didn't even think to ask me, his parents, nothing. It didn't phase him to be without me on Christmas. Thats what really bothers me. Im not really worried about my kids. They were ok last time. I think they fought over a yo-yo for 1 minute and that was the extent of their bad behaviour. His parents are both 62and not exactly around young kids anymore. I do understand their hesitation and am not offended by it. I think the issue is more with my bf and wondering if hes really the right guy for me. How has he compromised? Shouldnt he be wanting to be with me and asking about it and wondering about our plans? he just makes his and doesnt even ask or wonder what I will be doing that day! I just think its selfish. I think he is selfish and I think that is more the issue than Christmas.


- December 3rd, 2008, 04:57 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#14   Reply With Quote
watermusic watermusic is offline
watermusic's Avatar

watermusic is happy.

Quick Study

Join Date: Nov 2008

Posts: 155

See profile

katykat, wrote :

My bf and I have been together over a year now. Last year, he went to his parents which is 2 hours away. I stayed home with my 2 kids. I am divorced and with just the 3 of us, it was kind of lonely. My family gets together Christmas Eve. Christmas day we do our own thing, go to inlaws, whatever. This year I asked my boyfriend if we could spend Christmas day together. He said no, that it's for family and he always spends the night at his parents house and wakes up there on Christmas Day. He is single, no kids so he has done that all his life. I understand wanting to be with family, but we are both in our 30's. I don't see why we cant spend it together AND with family. I suggested spending the 24th with my family and the 25th with his. He says that it will be awkward, that he'd have to ask his parents if the kids and I could come andasked "how could you impose on them like that?" Then he says he asked and they were 'hesitant' but said yes. Then said they told him tomake sure my kids are under control. They are actually well behaved but typical kids so there is a possibilty of them running around but nothing major or nothing I can't control anyways. I just feelreally bad about the whole thing. He wants to spend the night there on the 24th and wake up there which means id have to take all my kids things, stockings, everything out there. I asked him if we could all just wake up at my house, open presents, then head out to his parents on Christmas. He said he wouldn't do that and that it would break tradition. He wants to spend it like he has ALL his life, but as an adult, shouldn't he try to compromise a little? Am I asking too much? Is he asking too much of me and my kids? My kids are 8 and 9 and would feel the same about waking up here or there. They don't care. I just think waking up in their own house is best. I can't drive in snow and ice. He can and so thats why Id want to ride with him either the 24th or the day of the 25th. He thinks I should happy that he asked and I got what I wanted but it's how he handled the whole thing. He said he was fine not spending Christmas with me and I feel I had to beg him to agree to it. Now I feel like a burden on him and his family.


What is reasonable for all of us? What advice do you have for me?

Are you engaged? If not, your expectations are way out of line. He may love you, but obviously not to the level you want him to. It doesn't mean it won't happen eventually, but forcingthings is not the way tohelp things along.


There is a lot of missing information. Have you and your kids met his parents? Arehis parentsup in age? Is he an only child? How often does he normally visit them? If he has siblings, is this the only time he gets to see them? Do they have the type of house where it would be a lot of effort to child-proof it? How many people were originally going to be at his parents' house? You say you don't drive in snow and ice. That's understandableif it's a rarity. But if your area's climate is such that you already know there will be snow and ice, then you really need to learn how to drive in it and stop expecting people to chauffeur you around.


Why don't you stay the night with your parents on Christmas Eve or go visit them again on Christmas Day? Find a diplomatic way to bow out of going to his parents' house and figure out something else to do, anddefinitely don't hold it against him. I doubt thingswill go well if you insist on going. Whatever you decide, be sure to give us an update on how it went. Best of luck.
- December 3rd, 2008, 05:13 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#15   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

Immerito Immerito is offline
Immerito's Avatar

Quick Study

Join Date: Jul 2008

Posts: 99

See profile

katykat wrote :

Well, I was just over there at his parents for Thanksgiving weekend. Spent the t-day with my kids then they went with their father because it was his year to have them. It worked out perfect. My bf parents really like me and of course, fully aware we are together. It's just the fact I had to bring it up. I had to ask my bf if he wanted to be with me that day. I had to ask him, offer suggestions, etc. he did nothing but ask mommy and daddy and I have to bend over backwards to haul everything out there. He didn't even think to ask me, his parents, nothing. It didn't phase him to be without me on Christmas. Thats what really bothers me. Im not really worried about my kids. They were ok last time. I think they fought over a yo-yo for 1 minute and that was the extent of their bad behaviour. His parents are both 62and not exactly around young kids anymore. I do understand their hesitation and am not offended by it. I think the issue is more with my bf and wondering if hes really the right guy for me. How has he compromised? Shouldnt he be wanting to be with me and asking about it and wondering about our plans? he just makes his and doesnt even ask or wonder what I will be doing that day! I just think its selfish. I think he is selfish and I think that is more the issue than Christmas.

First of all, part of adult communication is discussing plans for the holidays. Don't be upset that "you had to be the one to bring it up"; that smacks of major game playing.


Your BF gave you some options for spending more time with him: You elected not to drive out with him Christmas eve, because you want the children to sleep in their own beds and you didn't want to have to lug their Christmas presents, etc. that day.


Then you whine that he "did nothing but ask Mommy and Daddy"; obviously, his initial plans involved being at THEIR place. Said plans are of sufficient importance to him that he wasn't going to change them for his girlfriend of barely a year.


It sounds like you are NOT communicating with him, but fantasizing about your expectations, and becoming upset when YOUR fantasies aren't materializing.


Moreover, you become upset after you DO communicate, and his compromises don't meet with your approval. Read your post again: look at all the "me", "me", "me". It's all about you and how YOU'VE had to shoulder all the responsibility, how he's not satisfying YOUR expectations--and yet HE is the selfish one.


Bottom line: you don't want to spend Christmas with your boyfriend, you want to spend it on your terms, by your rules, and on your turf. That's game playing, and its not showing him respect.


Either stop playing games, apologize for the manipulative games you have played, and communicate with him on an adult level, or break up with him so he can find someone who won't play those types of games with him.
- December 3rd, 2008, 07:01 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#16   Reply With Quote
sqg123 sqg123 is offline
sqg123's Avatar

Pacesetter

Join Date: Apr 2008

Posts: 415

See profile



The issues you are facing are quite typical for newly married couples. Thing is you aren't married and you've only been seeing him for a year. So IMO yes you are asking too much and expecting too much.


One thing that bothers me that no one has mentioned is that you find it lonely to spend Christmas with just you and the kids. Seems like a good time to celebrate the closeness of your own family instead of looking for someone else to fill that need. I have been where you are now. I understand it can feel lonely compared to Christmases past but once you accept the new family (that's just you and the kids) as YOUR family then you can start to build your own happiness from that unit. Thank God that your kids ARE with you on Christmas - trust me it could be far worse.


Personally, I would not go to the boyfriends house for Christmas. Why? First, because they don't seem all that wanting you to. Second, because your kids should wake up in thier own home Christmas morning. So plan a nice breakfast with the kids, maybe an outing later in the day and a nice Christmas meal to finish it off. Boyfriend may find someday he wishes he were a part of the fun you and your kids have on Christmas.
- December 3rd, 2008, 07:54 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#17   Reply With Quote
bigfincat bigfincat is offline
bigfincat's Avatar

Virtuoso

Join Date: Nov 2008

Posts: 2,800

See profile



If your boyfriends family christmas party is very adult & it is traditional for them to drink heavily & not worry about language, then it would be a total change in nature for an 8 and 9 year old child to be present.


If there are other young children attending, then he does not have a good argument at all.
- December 3rd, 2008, 10:11 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#18   Reply With Quote
cath817 cath817 is offline
cath817's Avatar

cath817 is watching paint dry.

Pacesetter

Join Date: Nov 2008

Posts: 321

See profile



I'm still trying to figure out which boyfriend you're talking about. In this thread, you've been with him for about a year.


In your thread that has to do with waiting for marriage, you'd only goneout with him 3 times by October 31...or is that a different b/f?


Something seems a bit odd and just doesn't add up.
- December 3rd, 2008, 10:33 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#19   Reply With Quote
katykat katykat is offline
katykat's Avatar

Newbie

Join Date: Oct 2008

Posts: 20

See profile



That is an entirely different topic, long story and I wanted to keep that seperate from this question. Short version, We broke up for a month. I thought it was for good and met a nice guy and dated him a few times. Then we got back together. Now have this issue on Christmas.


As for this topic, my bf agreed to spend the night with me and my kids and go to his parents Christmas day. He said he never looked at it the way I did and once he did, he realized it was pretty selfish to just make plans like a single guy without any regard to me. Part of me wonders if hes doing it to please me because he's been on his best behaviour since Ive taken him back.
- December 5th, 2008, 01:09 pm
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiFurl this Post!Share on Facebook

#20   Reply With Quote

ADVERTISEMENT

Reply
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Bookmarks

« I am so confused by his behavior-help! | Array | Dating and Someone's Past Financial Troubles »
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ He knows the abuse wasn't sexual, and he knows I am not gay or bisexual.” – charity8987

Join the “Argh, screwed up with new guy.” discussion

“my dream color is medium red brown with auburn tones” – jtwark

Join the “L'Oréal's 'Find Your Fall Hair Color' Sweepstakes!” discussion

“all, or most of my matches lately have been people that never reply to the first step of communication or their profile says to contact them on facebook. it seems to me that these profiles are people ... ” – Coca-Cola

Join the “matches dont respond/their profile says contact them on face book” discussion

“sounds like things are going great! i'd suggest that you just keep doing whatever it is you are doing. and don't sweat the little things.” – notyet

Join the “always so paranoid” discussion

“"Billed in one installment of $239.40" means, "Billed once for $239.40." Pardon me for saying this, but if I had less than $40 in my bank account, buying an eHarmony subscription will be the least ... ” – Coca-Cola

Join the “eHarmony payment plans” discussion

“ Call them!” – Coca-Cola

Join the “FCW - Interesting Problem” discussion

“It appears the OP hasn't participated in EhA since she login and posed her question initially. We all come to these advise boards with so many different backgrounds...in fact I wrote another post on ... ” – RoxyRedhead

Join the “Frustrated & Confused: Is He A Sexual Addict???” discussion

“Darn..is that it..the first sign of awkwardness and kapowie/ shoot the relationship down.Here we haver 2 introverts without, apparently, heaps of experience, looking not for a way to end it, but for ... ” – RoxyRedhead

Join the “what to do... second guessing myself” discussion



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:48 am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2009, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.3.0