Dating and Someone's Past Financial Troubles


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k1p1 is offline k1p1 Post #1  December 2,2008, 4:48pm
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I've been dating a guy I met through EH for about 6 months. Things have been going very well. But I think this guy is into some serious financial problems - he has two jobs and seems to always move money around. He has been divorced twice, so I think some of this debt is from the old marriages. He has admitted to me about being in credit card debt - serious credit card debt. I like this guy a lot, but I certainly don't want to be involved with someone's old debt.


I've really enjoy being in a relationship with him, I've been telling myself, I just want to have fun and enjoy dating a guy who cares about me. But I'm beginning to wonder if I should look at things more seriously and instead of taking the attitudeof just having fun for the moment, start thinking about the future of a long-term relationship with him. I don't want to be wasting my time on someone who is wrong for me, and missing the opportunity to find the right one.
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #2  December 2,2008, 7:41pm
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If you're looking for someone fun to be with for the moment, then his financial problems aren't as much of a concern as they will be if you plan to become more serious. If you marry someone who comes with a bad credit history, for example, it'll be difficult to buy a house together. If he's got financial issues because he spends irresponsibly, financial security may not be in your future.


I think you're smart to proceed with caution!
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #3  December 2,2008, 7:52pm
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Dear K1P1,


You face a very common dilemma that most everyone will experience at one time or another and that is when to discuss the serious stuff.


Timing is very important and too early in the relationship it can be extremely oft-putting, not to mention that's it's not in keeping with the stage of the relationship. On the other hand, one doesn't want to learn these types of things after marriage.


Six months of dating is a fair amout of time to start having some serious discussions from time-to-time in a natural way.


For example, sometime when he is already talking about money, balancing his check book, shifting funds around or whatever, you might mention that you're aware how important financial issues are in any relationship, and ask him about his childhood experiences with money and in his family of origin.


Were his family hoarders? Were they spenders? Did they spend more than they had? Generally learn about his feelings and ideas about money, sharing your own experiences from your childhood.


Ask him if he were in a relationship that were to turn serious, what would be his ideas on how money would be handled in the family. Listen carefully and openly so you do not close down the conversation.


Then you might say something about his having told you he's experiencing a lot of credit card debt as so many are, and ask him how he thinks that would be dealt with in a potential marriage and again, listen carefully to what he says.


Perhaps you might want to share with him some of your debt - maybe a number and see if he offers his own number regarding his credit card debt. No matter what it is, don't react at that moment, especially negatively as you will close the conversation down.


You might say something complimenting him on how hard he works (if that's true) and how it must be so hard for him and then move onto another subject. This gives you time to mull things over at a later time with careful consideration and without talking off the top of your head and accidently blurting out something you wish you'd left unsaid.


Only you can decide how much debt you can deal with in another and it's an extrememly important issue to consider as the number one cause of marital break-upshave to do withfinances. You will have more questions you can save for another time.


Enough time has elapsed in getting to know each other that you can start to address these much more serious questions in an appropriate and non-confrontational manner. Your goal at this point is to share information on which you can make informed decisions on if you want to proceed.


There may be certain issues for him that would be deal-breakers to him too. Be careful to be non-judgmental and non-confrontational as that totally shuts a person down and it's hard to address it again when that happens. He's evaluating you along the way just as you're evaluating him and seeing if he wants to continue with you just as you are him.


Pick the time carefully and wait until he's already on that topic and do it in a natural fashion at the right time - not during the middle of a game, when he's tired, hungry, etc. Don't do it over a meal as it can be upsetting and ruin the meal. Keep your tone from being sharp. Studies show that people listen more to tone of voice than words spoken so be very careful to keep a conversational, pleasant tone.


Write and let us know how it goes.


JavaJava5
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #4  December 2,2008, 9:10pm
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Just ask him for his credit score and the accompanying report...lol.


Seriously, though, this is a very important issue. What is just as important as whether he has gotten into financial trouble in the pastis how he is handling his finances now. It is one thing to have gotten into trouble in the past and to be continuing to make bad financial decisions; it's another to have changed one's behavior and be making serious efforts to get back on solid financial ground. Is he meeting his current obligations? Is he dealing with past debts and focusing on retiring them? Does he make expensive impulse buys? Does his spending seem to outstrip his salary? Is he saving money?Some of these things you can pick up by careful observation, but others will require a serious conversation.


If you do think that you might want to be with him in the long run, 6 months doesn't seem too early to have some "future-oriented" conversations about where you each see the relationship going over the long-term (even if you aren't sure yet what you want). As part of those conversations, you can make clear that you expect open and honest discussions of money matters to be part of a long-term relationship, which would include you both "coming clean" about your respective finances. (Personally, I would be much more direct than JJ5 advocates, but that is an issue of personal style; you should handle the discussions in whatever way is most comfortable for you.)
 
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curious_girl is offline curious_girl Post #5  December 2,2008, 10:09pm
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I agree with neardc; it is how the person is behaving financially now that is relevant. If you are looking for a parnter with a perfect credit score and no debt; well honey, good luck with that. Stupid mistakes of youth or disasters or personal trajedies, student loans, all sorts of things can give a person debt. It's how you manage the debt and plan your way out of it that counts. I'm an accountant, and I can tell you; money management is important, and it is important in a relationship how peoplemanage their money, but I don't think you should base the relationship on his past bad credit. Just my opinion though.
 
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marylovesplaya is offline marylovesplaya Post #6  December 3,2008, 1:17am
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neardc and curious girl+1. Things can happen that people have little control over If he's trying to repair things and making good choices now, then I'd be inclined to stay with it. It's the now behavior that's important (at least to me).
 
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LisaRey is offline LisaRey Post #7  December 3,2008, 5:04am
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Someone that has been divorced twice? That's two strikes right there, especially if financial troubles and fighting over money was a contributing factor. Just remember, when you get married his debts become your debts. Being financially strapped is not a good place to start. How can a guy who works two jobs , and consequently have little time, be much fun? I would think the stress alone from these problems would be bringing him down. By the way, are you paying for the dates? My 8 ball says "Trouble ahead, steer clear",
at least until he rectifies the debt.
 
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rg26 is offline rg26 Post #8  December 3,2008, 6:21am
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I think it does matter. His financial situation is in a sense a reflection of himself. The ability to live within your means, whatever they are, is important. It shows self-disipline and responsibility. After a divorce everyone is left poorer but you have to accept it and adjust your standard of living to meet your new income. All that said if there were some serious indication that he has gotten his spending under control and is paying down his debt rather then just moving it around that would matter. We all do make mistakes. Not everyone learns from them though.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #9  December 3,2008, 6:33am
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I'm with Lisa and rg on this one.


He's already been divorced twice. What's your thinking here, third time's a charm? In addition, money problems are the NUMBER ONE reason for problem marriages. It really doesn't matter why he has money problems but until they're resolvedthis relationship is doomed from the start.


There's enough red flags here for a drill team.
 
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NextChapter is offline NextChapter Post #10  December 3,2008, 6:47am
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Be very careful here. I dated a guy with serious credit card debt for years and although it was his problem, I ended up footing most of the expenses of our relationship because I knew he couldn't. When he asked me for financial assistance after several years of dating, that's when I knew I needed to exit stage left. Sounds harsh, but in all the years we dated, he never made a dent in his debt, but he always had a good time - thanks to me. I would not advise anyone to break up with someone because of his/her financial problems, but I would stress the importance to stay aware of how it really does impact you - especially as the relationship becomes more comfortable with time.
 
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