Justyce is offline Justyce Post #1  November 28,2008, 10:15am
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my boyfriend has lied to me over the past year we have been together, i have moved up North CA from SouthCA to be with him, i sold my car and gave up my life to see where this would go. only to find out he has been fliring online and swears he has not cheated on me...well with this new online thing...men can say they are NOT cheating on you, but be fliriting and somehow this seems not as bad, i have NEVER been in a relationship and been cheated on (sorry it is true i am 43) and i am so in love with him i am not handling this right, Now that we have "made" up, he says that i am paranoid when he got busted sending a text to a female subject was ME and his excuse was that he was contacting her about selling his hair (he has long hair) but his hair is part of US why wouldnt he tell me? his excuse..Why do i have to? we are not married i am not a child so i really dont have an adult answer for that? Because it is the right thing to do just doesnt seem to cut it because People dont always do what is right. I am just not wanting to get out right when he has decided that he wants to make our family work. He has an 8 year and i have a 13 year old, we have a chance to have a family i just am not sure that he is telling me the truth and if he wants other women i have told him cool, we can hang still but he insists he wants me.


And since when did men not have sex for over a week...two...three... a month? just curious will post as question LOL
 
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3dimension is offline 3dimension Post #2  November 28,2008, 4:31pm
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ummm the hair incident... it's his hair. Maybe that was an aspect of him that attracted you to him... but it's his hair. One day, after 5 years together with my blonde ex, she came home one as a brunette...she was still cute.


I wrote in an older thread, that men consider cheating when sex has taken place, women consider cheating when their partner has made a heart-felt connection to another woman.


I'm not quite sure where you're at now, are you asking to stop online chats with women, do you want him to be honest about flirting/cheating? Because in your second to last sentence it seems you have conceded to him that cheating is ok as long as he comes home to you?
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #3  November 28,2008, 5:12pm
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ooook... I'm a little confused? Are you suggesting his cheating is related to.... selling his hair?? I've read the post twice now and feel I'm missing something here.


Hair. ??. It's his. Not a part of you. Not yours. If he chooses to sell it, so be it. NO, this isn't cheating.


You're... not a child so you don't have an adult answer to... what??


(Too many Amstels here maybe?? Or is anyone else confused? )


You're cool with him wanting other women, and you'll still 'hang' with him??


HUH?!?


Would like to give a 'normal' reply, but don't quite think I'm understanding the dilemma here.
 
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Immerito is offline Immerito Post #4  November 29,2008, 3:58pm
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Justyce, wrote :


my boyfriend has lied to me over the past year we have been together, i have moved up North CA from SouthCA to be with him, i sold my car and gave up my life to see where this would go. only to find out he has been fliring online and swears he has not cheated on me...well with this new online thing...men can say they are NOT cheating on you, but be fliriting and somehow this seems not as bad, i have NEVER been in a relationship and been cheated on (sorry it is true i am 43) and i am so in love with him i am not handling this right, Now that we have "made" up, he says that i am paranoid when he got busted sending a text to a female subject was ME and his excuse was that he was contacting her about selling his hair (he has long hair) but his hair is part of US why wouldnt he tell me? his excuse..Why do i have to? we are not married i am not a child so i really dont have an adult answer for that? Because it is the right thing to do just doesnt seem to cut it because People dont always do what is right. I am just not wanting to get out right when he has decided that he wants to make our family work. He has an 8 year and i have a 13 year old, we have a chance to have a family i just am not sure that he is telling me the truth and if he wants other women i have told him cool, we can hang still but he insists he wants me.


And since when did men not have sex for over a week...two...three... a month? just curious will post as question LOL


Parts of your post were somewhat incoherent, but if I am reading you correctly, you are:


1) Angry that your boyfriend is flirting with other women online.


2) Angry that he may (or may not) have contacted someone concerning selling his hair.


3) Chagrined that you do not have an adult answer as to why you wish to control what he does with his hair.


4) Desiring to have a family with a man whom you attempt to control / believe to be flirting with another woman.


5) Have told him that you really don't mind his flirting, as a cover to "keep you together".


Frankly, the two of you sound incompatible--you don't trust him. Maybe your mistrust of him is deserved, maybe not. You attempt to control him. You attempt to cling to him as "daddy" to your 13-year-old.


Men need respect. Not want respect, need respect. When you attempt to control him, play manipulative games (become angry when he flirts, and yet enable his flirting behavior because you "need" him to be "Daddy"), you are sending him a message--loud and clear--that you don't respect him. Furthermore, he doesn't need to respect you (or your wishes) because he HAS you. He has "conquered" you.


So please, get out of this relationship, work through YOUR issues, and then seek out a healthy relationship--one where you choose to respect your boyfriend--and where your boyfriend respects you--and youhave forsworn any manipulative games.


Your thirteen year old will need to see that his/her mother cared enough about him/her to model a healthy relationship.
 
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