kck5426 is offline kck5426 Post #1  November 27,2008, 4:56pm
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I have been with Eharmony for over a month now, but have not be able to engage anyone in conversation. To be honest, I do not know why women do not give me the time of day when I believe that I have so many great qualities. I am ambitious, sensitive, confident, positive, funny, spiritual, deep, a good conversationalist, a lead singer and guitarist in a band, am in graduate school, and I believe I am descently attractive. One would think that with these qualities, I should not have any problem what's so ever. However, one consistent theme that comes up is that many girls say that "they only see me as a friend" or that "i am the type a guy that you marry". This has happened more often than not and do not know how to change my methods towards soliciting a date.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  November 28,2008, 11:12am
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kck5426 - there are a plethora of other threads on these discussion boards dealing with your issue.


If a woman rejects you because "you're the type of guy that you marry," she probably believes she is undeserving of a decent man. She's not mature enough to want a guy like you -- at least at this point in her life. As for the "friend" label, that's a bigger concern. You may have to be a little more assertive with women you actually like, to let them know that you want to be more than friends. If at that point they still label you as a "friend," just leave it alone and move on. Women love musicians, so they are plenty of fish in the sea for you.


Unfortunately, many women out there do not respond well to men who treat them well, because they're not used to meeting men who treat them well. But don't give up.
 
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MRR40 is offline MRR40 Post #3  November 28,2008, 11:39am
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Well to offer my two cents...you sound like you would have everything a woman interested in having a relationship. If you are this openwith your thoughts as well as the other qualities you mention, it seems like a no-brainer. I apologize by asking this, but could it be that your current profession is what might scare some women off?Beyond the physical chemistry that each person is looking for, I am not sure why you would get passed over so much on eharmony or that other's think of you only as a friend.


You "sound" great to me. It could be all about finding that one person, the right place, right time.


ps. I am on eHarmony too and it's just not that easy.
 
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Aussie_Devilette is offline Aussie_Devilette Post #4  November 28,2008, 11:44am
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Hi Kck5426, I'm guessing you are in your mid-20s? Also, you don't say where you are located, I am guessing the USA?


I agree with Tbesq that usually muscians have little trouble securing dates but on the other hand I've never dated muscians for a couple of reasons. First, I don't have a "groupy" mentality and so many of the women who stand at the edge of the stage staring up at the band seem to - who wants to compete with that? Secondly, the hours a muscian works clash with the sort of hours I work.


In your case throw in grad school and you sound like a very busy man. If a woman works 8 - 5 (not sure what happened to 9 - 5 but it seems to be a thing of the past) and you are gigging most nights, when is she going to see you?


Perhaps the "friend" comment is more around the women just not seeing this working for them as a relationship.


As for the "marry" comment, that I do not understand - the general stereotype that would get applied to muscians is they are NOT the type to marry or take home to Mum (or Mom in your case) because of the hedonistic lifestyle many lead - think Mick Jagger or the Led Zepplin crew! Many women don't see muscians as husband (and therefore real dating material) because of the stereotype.


It may be that given your age, the women you are meeting are not yet ready for marriage. Certainly here the average age for marrriage for a woman is 29 and about 32 for men. I've met many women in their mid-20s who have no intention of settling down until their early 30s, they enjoy being single, travelling, building their career etc. I would tend to read the marry comment as "You are the typeof guy that a girl marries, and I am not looking for a steady relationship yet, I'm too young". Mind you, if you met them on eHarmony, maybe they are on the wrong site!


The right woman will come along, you might just have to wait. I know how you feel though - I too believe I have good qualities and a lot to give a man and a relationship - but neither you nor I can force anyone to see that or believe it if they don't want to - all we can do is be ourselves and trust in time the right person will see us for who we are and, what is more, actually like what they see!
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #5  November 28,2008, 12:53pm
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You're in graduate school at a university and are having trouble dating? Things must have really changed since I went to college. I don't think there's anything I can say to help you.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #6  November 28,2008, 1:22pm
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tweet37,362727 wrote :

You're in graduate school at a university and are having trouble dating? Things must have really changed since I went to college. I don't think there's anything I can say to help you.
I like the way that you thinktweet37. You are so right. It was so easy to meet women in college.
 
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Aussie_Devilette is offline Aussie_Devilette Post #7  November 28,2008, 3:04pm
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bigfincat,362749 wrote :


You are so right. It was so easy to meet women in college.


I don't know about that. I went to university as a mother of two young children working full-time (I was, not the children). You don't have much time for a uni social life under circumstances like that. The OP sounds like he has a pretty full life too, so he may be attending uni like I was - into class then straight out again.


Also, if he is working nights at gigs, he may be attending day classes at uni, where most of the girls may be younger, so he would be with the "not ready to settle down" ones. Mature people tend to take evening or weekend classes.


When I did take a couple of morning classes because there weren't enough part-time students for the uni to offer an evening class in those subjects, it was an entirely different environment. Apart from the fact I was a married woman at the time, I don't think I'd have found anyone in that younger crowd!
 
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ManekiNeko is offline ManekiNeko Post #8  November 28,2008, 3:18pm
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In general, women are attracted to confident people. Since getting the crap beaten out of you constantly decreases confidence levels, then beating people up must increase it. So basically, if you're a bully and willing to beat the crap out of anything smaller than you for fun, you should have no trouble at all.

Otherwise, Good luck -- you'll need it.
 
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treatmesweetly is offline treatmesweetly Post #9  November 28,2008, 3:24pm
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bigfincat,362749 wrote :

tweet37,362727 wrote :


You're in graduate school at a university and are having trouble dating? Things must have really changed since I went to college. I don't think there's anything I can say to help you.


I like the way that you thinktweet37. You are so right. It was so easy to meet women in college.
Itmust depend on your age group and program of study. I'm working on my MBA, but all the guys I've met in the program are already married and/or 10-15 years younger than me.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #10  November 28,2008, 3:27pm
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Aussie_Devilette,362831 wrote :

bigfincat,362749 wrote :


You are so right. It was so easy to meet women in college.


I don't know about that. I went to university as a mother of two young children working full-time (I was, not the children). You don't have much time for a uni social life under circumstances like that. The OP sounds like he has a pretty full life too, so he may be attending uni like I was - into class then straight out again.


Also, if he is working nights at gigs, he may be attending day classes at uni, where most of the girls may be younger, so he would be with the "not ready to settle down" ones. Mature people tend to take evening or weekend classes.


When I did take a couple of morning classes because there weren't enough part-time students for the uni to offer an evening class in those subjects, it was an entirely different environment. Apart from the fact I was a married woman at the time, I don't think I'd have found anyone in that younger crowd!
I tend tothat the womenbigfincat met in college, as with many of us men, were single and without children. It was certainly easier to meet women in college, because you were all sharing in the same experiences, and inherently everyone looks forward to getting to college so that they can date without being under their parents' thumb.
 
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