My boyfriend just said he hasn't got over his ex, is my relationship over?


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Mx1983 is offline Mx1983 Post #1  November 17,2008, 10:20am
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Hi,


This story happened this weekend and I'm still confused about it.


I've been dating my boyfriend for 8 monthsand sincethe beginning we have had a good relationship. He has always been very commited to the it, he has introduced me to his friends and family and I did the same. Everything seemed to be working well. The only issue we have had during the last two monthsis that sometimes he "gets disconnected".Most of the timeshe's very caring and loving, but sometimes he just becomes kind of cold, he doesn't talk to much and he's not affectionate.


This weekend was one of those times, so I showed up at his place, trying to avoid a fight over the phone, and while asking him what was going on, he just said that he has realized that he hasn't got over his ex and he said that's the reason why he hasn't been ableto connect completely with me. I'm still in shock.


He broke with this girl more than six years ago because she decided that she wanted to get married with another guy and now seems like that guy cheated on her, so she decided to contact my boyfriend again. She told him that she had realized he was the man for her and she wanted a second chance.


When he told me all this, he said he thought he was sick because he knew he shouldn't go back with someone who has hurting him so much, but that he couldn't help to want a second chance, just to see if things could be as he wanted them to be from the beginning, so he said he wanted to brake up.


Honestly I really think we had a good relationship and I definately love him a lot, but I'm confused about what to do or what to expect.


After a very emotionally intense weekend, we decided that we would stay together and he was going to seek for help, maybe with a therapist and that I was going to support him, but I'm kind of scared about if our relationship will recover from this and he will forget about his ex, or if we're just delaying the break up.


I would really appreciate your advice!!!!


 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  November 17,2008, 11:26am
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I am sorry that this happened to you.


Look at the facts (as you presented them)


Your boyfriend of 8 months broke up with his then girlfriend over 6 years ago because she wanted to marry some other guy. Yet as soon as she calls him because she screwed up and married the wrong guy your boyfriend starts missing her. What has he been doing for the 5+ years before you came into his life let alone the 8 months that he has been with you, obviously not leaving a girl who dumped him to marry someone else behind. In the 8 months that you have been together he has not developed a secure relationship with you.


It is time for you to take your own life into consideration and dump this guy and find some guy who is ready to be in a relationship with YOU .
 
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LonelyStarState is offline LonelyStarState Post #3  November 17,2008, 11:55am

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i dont think your relationship ever started with him. his mind has been with her, not you. you only had a part of him, they physical. relationships are more then that.


dump him =oP
 
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PY is offline PY Post #4  November 17,2008, 12:36pm

Sometimes...just be a bigger person and take the high road.

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The wise men have spoken.


Dump is in order.
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #5  November 17,2008, 2:51pm
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Six years is a long time to be hung up on someone. It can happen but really someone that doesn't see the other person should well be over them within a year or at least two (excluding deaths) but everyone heals differently. It makes me wonder if he has been in contact with her throughout this time.


I think she hurt him a lot (understanding considering the situation) but he also didn't seek to move on. When you did come along...it was more like a "fill in" way to kill time. He just hasn't committed to you on the level that a relationship should be. People just don't break up and run back to the ex if they care about their current relationship. She still "controls" him after 6 years.


Right now you are just standing in the way of his "what if". I think you should let him go realizing through no fault of your own...he simply isn't in love with you and isn't ready for a relationship. If he shows up after testing his past relationship...i'd still let him be as his behavior shows his true feelings. Personally I feel the two of them deserve each other as neither care about the feelings of others.
 
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lucky173 is offline lucky173 Post #6  November 17,2008, 2:53pm
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Umm yep, what they said. Unless you want to remain back burner with a man who's heart and/or mind is with someone else. That's what you've been without even realizing it. Counseling helps through issues, it doesn't change emotions.


Good luck, sorry you're going through this, but that which doesn't kill us..... you know the rest.
 
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want2bluved is offline want2bluved Post #7  November 17,2008, 3:00pm
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I honestly had the same thing happen to me but we did not date as long. It was a month and he broke up with her 4 years before we even happened. In all honesty, the only thing to do is move on. He will one day relize that he screwed up majorly. I know that sounds horrible to think about but it's true. He will realize that if her ex could leave for some other guy and still wants her back and not someone that is dedicated to just him.... that he has choosen the wrong person. The best advice I can give is to take care of yourself and leave it is not a healthy situation. But when he needs a shoulder to cry on if you truly care about him be there but DO NOT automatically take him back.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #8  November 17,2008, 4:02pm
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It's unanimous. Do what's fair to YOU.
 
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TekGoNos is offline TekGoNos Post #9  November 17,2008, 4:50pm
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Mx1983, wrote :

[snip], so he said he wanted to brake up.
That's the tipping point for me.


If that wouldn't have been there, I would have written the minority opinion.


I find it normal that, if he really loved this girl, he will be emotionally confused and a wreck after hearing that she wants him back. (Even after 6 years). So that's normal.


However, at one point one must make a choice: to commit to one person and ignore external interferences. He apparently didn't do that yet. Should he have done this after 8 months? I would have and I would be very upset if my girlfriend didn't.


OK, I'm still gonna write the minority opinion


He did come around in the end. He probably was very hurt when she left him, and this message brought back all that hurt and made him completely irrational. Don't judge him too harshly by what he did or said in one occasion of emotional distress. He might get over her with therapy.


OK, that was my "devil's advocate" side. If I'd be in that situation, I'd still dump him.


Perhaps with a mission though: "I really love you, the person, and would like to be with YOU, but I must have a partner who is equally committed and I don't think you currently are. So go and don't come back before you are sure that you want to be with ME and no-one else."


If he then goes to his ex and ends up comming back to you: drop him.


If he goes with his best pal on a hunting trip and comes back saying: "I got as far away from women as I could, to think it over calmly: and it's with YOU I want to be.": keep him.


And by the way: I'd bet a rather large sum on: his ex doesn't really want him back, she just wants to sleep with him to get even with her cheating husband and will drop him after that. But don't tell him that, it's better if he realizes it himself.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #10  November 17,2008, 6:17pm
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Wow, he's still rebounding 6 years later? ...that's some serious hanging on right there!
 
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