My boyfriend just said he hasn't got over his ex, is my relationship over?


Reply
  • Page 2 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
teacherlady is offline teacherlady Post #11  November 17,2008, 6:43pm
teacherlady's Avatar

is typing madly.

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2008

SW Georgia

Posts: 302

See profile



Well I'm going to write a minority report too, sort of.


It's possible that he had let go, moved on, etc., but he never really resolved his feelings of hurt when she dumped him for another guy. Then, when she called him back, he suddenly sees his chance to "get her back" in the sense that he has the chance to erase what she did to him and therefore erase that hurt that he's never dealt with. He's not thinking past today--only to "fix" that old wrong.





Now if that's the case, it won't last long. He will wake up pretty quickly, especially when he realizes she's not all that great, or more likely, when she dumps him again as soon as someone better comes along--again.





BUT--having said that in the poor fella's defense, I still think you deserve better. This is not really a "fixable" situation because he's broken your trust. Face it--what would it take to make you ever believe him again if he DID come back?





I know it's hard, but you did nothing wrong. Grieve and move on.
 
  Reply With Quote
Shelby is offline Shelby Post #12  November 17,2008, 6:53pm
Shelby's Avatar

said what she meant; meant what she said.

Veteran

Joined: Nov 2007

California

Posts: 1,881

See profile



Been there done that - I was with this guy for NINE YEARS! He split up with me to go back and marry the ex-fiancee that he caught in bed with some one else 4 weeks before their wedding date, before we ever met!


So be glad it's only been 8 months for you. Let go and let him deal with that unfinished business. Otherwise it will always hang like a cloud and cast a shadow over your relationship. And you'll have wasted a lot of time on him instead of some one who wants you unconditionally.
 
  Reply With Quote
teacherlady is offline teacherlady Post #13  November 17,2008, 6:55pm
teacherlady's Avatar

is typing madly.

Pacesetter

Joined: Sep 2008

SW Georgia

Posts: 302

See profile

Shelby,348948 wrote :

Been there done that - I was with this guy for NINE YEARS! He split up with me to go back and marry the ex-fiancee that he caught in bed with some one else 4 weeks before their wedding date, before we ever met!


So be glad it's only been 8 months for you. Let go and let him deal with that unfinished business. Otherwise it will always hang like a cloud and cast a shadow over your relationship. And you'll have wasted a lot of time on him instead of some one who wants you unconditionally.
I'm so sorry to hear that--and I agree with Shelby--you really will feel you've "wasted your time" if you spend time on this and end up with half a relationship. You deserve a whole one.
 
  Reply With Quote
LonelyStarState is offline LonelyStarState Post #14  November 17,2008, 7:07pm

H ga hoshii

Unregistered

Joined: Sep 2008

San Antonio, Texas

Posts: 3,438

See profile



your b/f should go where the lone ranger takes his garbage... to the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump =0P
 
  Reply With Quote
TekGoNos is offline TekGoNos Post #15  November 18,2008, 6:10pm
TekGoNos's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Oct 2008

Right behind you

Posts: 69

See profile

teacherlady,348927 wrote :

Face it--what would it take to make you ever believe him again if he DID come back?
Hmm, I think you misread her comment, he said he would leave her, but then he didn't:


Mx1983 wrote :


After a very emotionally intense weekend, we decided that we would stay together and he was going to seek for help, maybe with a therapist


To the OP:


1) If you manage to get through this, and take the opportunity to improve your communication and work as a team, your couple might very well come out stronger.


2) Four wise words that once saved my sanity: "You cannot help him." Of course, you can give him support and strength, but in the end, he has to get over his hurt and you cannot do it in his place.


3) Don't take relationship advice from people who are currently single ... and that includes me
 
  Reply With Quote
inharmony is offline inharmony Post #16  November 23,2008, 7:20am
inharmony's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 13

See profile

bravethestorm,348596 wrote :

Six years is a long time to be hung up on someone. It can happen but really someone that doesn't see the other person should well be over them within a year or at least two (excluding deaths) but everyone heals differently. It makes me wonder if he has been in contact with her throughout this time.


I think she hurt him a lot (understanding considering the situation) but he also didn't seek to move on. When you did come along...it was more like a "fill in" way to kill time. He just hasn't committed to you on the level that a relationship should be. People just don't break up and run back to the ex if they care about their current relationship. She still "controls" him after 6 years.


Right now you are just standing in the way of his "what if". I think you should let him go realizing through no fault of your own...he simply isn't in love with you and isn't ready for a relationship. If he shows up after testing his past relationship...i'd still let him be as his behavior shows his true feelings. Personally I feel the two of them deserve each other as neither care about the feelings of others.
I agree that after months of being with this man...he has suddenly told you that he's not over his ex, he has not fully invested in your relationship. I have a similar situation with a man that I have been dating for only 2 months and he has all of these fears and walls because he is not over his ex. I contemplate whether or not it is a good idea to continue dating a man who cannot fully commit...plus I feel that if he were in love (your guy or my guy), we would make them forget about any previous relationship and that would be that.


I think you should let him go...as hard as that is and as much as he tells you he loves you...let him seek his therapy and figure out for himself what he really wants. You don't want to be with someone and have that nagging thought in the back of your head, do you?
 
  Reply With Quote
MDNY is offline MDNY Post #17  November 26,2008, 7:26pm
MDNY's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 3

See profile

If you've been dating for at least 3-4 months and he is still willing to reconsider his ex then let him go.

Look at it this way - the first several months of your relationship are supposed to be the most intense exciting time when everything is new, you both have questions and still wonder about each other before you start laying some serious trust and start partnering up and wondering about the long haul.

If he has been with you this long and has not developed a strong enough emotional connection AND he is willing to possibly hurt you because of feelings he has for an Ex who dumped him long ago - it sounds to me like he's cruising for a break-up and trying to get you to do it. Too cowardly to break-up and not man enough to really know what he wants or really feel a connection with you.

You deserve better, move on.
 
  Reply With Quote
Traveling_Girl is offline Traveling_Girl Post #18  November 28,2008, 2:22am
Traveling_Gir…'s Avatar

I wish the water in my city tasted this good...

Newbie

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 28

See profile



Let him go. This woman's ghost has been haunting your relationship from afar. Now the real flesh-and-blood woman is in the picture and he must face his hopes and fears squarely, alone. He never had a chance to see where the relationship would have gone had things run their course, and that's why he can't let go. And, honestly, he doesn't want to let go or he would have. No amount of counseling is going to make him want you more than her.


And don't be so hard on the other woman. Who among us has not made a bone-headed decision or two in the romance department??? It's possible that this woman was swept away by the other guy out of her own emotional woundedness (or immaturity)and she wasn't wise enough to perceive the outcome. In retrospect she may have realized that her ex really was a stellar guy and she had made a mistake.


Since you never truly had him in the first place, cut your loss. But be kind. Don't "dump him." It's really not his fault that he still loves her. Put yourself in his shoes. If you were still in love with your ex, even after six years, wouldn't YOU want another chance to see if love is better the second time around? This is the stuff that movies are made of. Somewhere out there is the perfect guy -- for you.
 
  Reply With Quote
Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #19  November 28,2008, 11:36am
Doctora2012's Avatar

is happy.

Pacesetter

Joined: Nov 2007

Midwest

Posts: 299

See profile



He can't make up his mind?? Still into his ex?? Make it easyfor this guy, and DECIDE FOR HIM -- move on YOU deserve someone that's sure about how he feels about YOU and isn't preoccupied with giving an ex a second chance...


I'd HIGHLY ENCOURAGE him to give his ex a second chance and WISH HIM THE BEST....he'll soon realize that an "ex" is an "ex" for a reason. He'll likely realize YOU are irreplaceable and try coming back to you, but by then you will have moved on to someone better (believe me!).


I realize doing the above is easier said than done, but you'll love yourself a lot more if you cut ties with this guy and don't invest more time (8 months is a good amount of time, but 9 months is even longer and 1 month more that you could've been invested in finding a guy who will truly love YOU).





....Best wishes
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 2 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Salsa Dancing.....girl i am seeing.....goes with with her guy friend | Ask a Dating Expert | To close or not to close »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I did everything. And the repairs where sure expensive. Grr!I paid for them too. :-/” –  LadyVee

Join the “Confusing Man (LONG STORY)” discussion

“I think people change their "type" depending on what they think they need at that point in their lives. It's so subjective that it might be best if we all just let someone else choose a mate for us ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Changing your "type"” discussion

“In the end, aren't we all winners?” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Last Post Wins!” discussion

“4: sex um. both our values hold sex for marriage, so the next best thing to do when you are driven by lust, i guess is making out? If sex equals marriage, then if his goal is to have sex with you, ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Confused~ He likes me or He wants sex?” discussion

“You know, profile writers remind me of junior high school. The kids who came into an exam clueless, and just rambled on and on, hoping that in there somewhere(?) might possibly be something that the ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “How much profile do you like to read?” discussion

“Chemical burns when one splashes around in nature are no fun! Tree farming, huh. Tax breaks or love of all things tree... Tax break. (I can make these calls, because I'm on the internetz.) He ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“The standard method is to eliminate alcohol and bread (and any other gassy carbs) from your diet. You can also try saran wrapping your midsection for a few days. I've heard that works but I haven't ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Belly Fat” discussion

“My boyfriend will be meeting my ex-boyfriend for the first time this weekend so I will let you know how it goes. He almost met him awhile ago so I thought about this before. I told my boyfriend that ... ” –  alethea

Join the “Hold on, hold on, hold on!” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:32pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0