He wants to wait until he's married. Unrealistic or Good Christian Man?


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honeyjodie is offline honeyjodie Post #41  November 16,2008, 10:50am
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briochick,317379 wrote :

I agree with rg26. Sounds like this guy practices his faith, and I'd say that's a pretty good thing. Just because a certain behavior is common in the world, or imediately gratifying, doesn't mean that he's wrong to refuse it. You really don't have a right to try and change his beliefs as he's not causing physical or pyschological harm to anyone so I think your decision is to realize if you're willing to go along with it. If not than you're not the one for him. Obvioulsy to him being a Christian means more than just being a really nice guy.
applause applause, I to want to wait till I get married to have sex. I LOVE sex, I miss sex. I have not had sex since my husband died. If you don't want that man, will you toss him my way?
 
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Immerito is offline Immerito Post #42  December 3,2008, 1:49pm
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katykat, wrote :

I met a guy recently and he's so perfect! Looking for red flags like I always do and can't seem to find any! I know he's a strong christian which is one of the qualities that drew me to him. So I decide to ask him how he feels about pre-marital sex and he said "I waited the first time, I can wait again." Yes, this is very noble, but I just don't know if this applies in today's day and age! He got married at age 20, wife cheated on him and left their 17 year marriage, kids andWalked out on him. He has been divorced for a year and even said he endedhis lastrelationship because the girl wanted to have sex! I waited until I was married the first time. When I was 20! People got married at 16 to 24 years old 'back in the day' so waiting was ideal when that advice was given. I am in my 30's and although I don't want to jump in the sack right away, I don't know if I can wait to discover what sex is like with someone Im going to spend the rest of my life with! Should this really apply the second time around? He's only had 1 partner. What's he going to think about my 10? Yes, that's the truth, be it too many or too little in your opinion. When should I bring up my number to him or do I even have to? I hate to give up an incredibly awesome guy, but I honestly love sex and can't live without it....In a monogamous, long term relationship of course! Whats your advice? Although not too big of a deal, he also told me he bans MTV in his house. Not allowed. I have 2 kids who are too young to really care about it and I rarely watch TV myself, but banned?! He has teenagers. Please give me your honest thoughts?
It looks like you both have very different values as regard to when you are willing to have sex, and how you intend to raise children.


Since he has set those standards, I would assume he has strong convictions about them.


Don't pressure him to change, don't nag. Decide if you can take him as he is--even in areas of disagreement, or not.


If you can take him as he is, then take those areas as areas you are going to choose to accept about him--just as you want him to accept you and your values.


If not, then find a guy whose values you do agree with.
 
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Immerito is offline Immerito Post #43  December 3,2008, 1:53pm
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katykat,333884 wrote :

Okay, just an update here...we had our 5th date and ended up kissing...and more at the end of it! Lots of kissing, hugging, then my shirt goes up and he's all over me. The first thing I do is put my hand down there and he is at least 6 inches (maybe a little more) which calms my fear and so I just go back to kissing him and that's it. A typical night for a couple teenagers....except we are divorced, with kids and we are in our 30's! Okay, so, if I got him to that point the other night...do you think he's really going to wait? I know this sounds bad, tempting him into it, but I seriously can't wait! So the question now is...do you think he can be tempted into not waiting? That ideally he wants to wait but no chance in hell it's gonna turn out that way?
NO! Don't tempt him!


How would you like it if your boyfriend pressured you into accepting his values?


This post tells me you don't respect him, but you just want him to meet your needs.


Either find a new guy, or mature and realize that you don't have the right to pressure someone into accepting your values.
 
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Immerito is offline Immerito Post #44  December 3,2008, 1:56pm
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katykat,340671 wrote :

Yeah, I think I won't have to worry about this after all. He's a friggin GUY. I should of thought about that. He wants to wait, but thats not gonna happen. It just isn't. Thanks for the advice.
You are ignoring the advice of most here. It is clear now that you don't respect your boyfriend--or you would respect his boundaries.


Find another guy who has boundaries you do appreciate, and let him find a woman who appreciates his boundaries.
 
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cath817 is offline cath817 Post #45  December 3,2008, 2:52pm
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Is this the same b/f that you posted aboutwanting to spend Christmas with?
 
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DreamingOfAtlantis is offline DreamingOfAtlantis Post #46  December 5,2008, 9:44am
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A few thoughts:


1: A while back I was engaged with a woman that wanted to wait to have sex. Not wait until marriage, but wait until she knew me really well. Fine with me, because I want to know my partners well. She talked about how passionate she was and so on, but I've heard a lot of women talk like that and just lay there and expect me to do all the work for foreplay and everything else, so talk is cheap. It was how she behaved during sex that tipped me off to a lot of other issues she had. Right up to the point where we actually had sex, she behaved one way, but once we got in bed, Without going into details, there were behaviors that came out during sex that didn't come out at other times. She claimed to love sex and want it often, but for her it was closer to once a month, or at least actual intercourse about once a month. She had no problem with expecting me to please her more often, but that was always a one-way thing.


At the time I had been working in residential treatment for a while. I knew how to watch for red flags, knew hwo to spot more than most people ever learn to watch for, but these things did not start showing through until we were in bed together.


Sex changes things. It changes the behavior between a couple, it usually creates a tighter bond and it usually leads to walls being dropped without people realizing it. In my case, if I had waited until marriage, I would have married her and made the worst mistake of my life.


2: People, remember your beliefs are YOUR BELIEFS. They are NOT facts, they are NOT proven, and it is NOT your job to push them on others, whether that's KatyKat pushing sex on her bf or someone else saying, "That's the right thing to do by my scriptures." I've talked with many Christians that are shocked when I tell them I know Muslims who are just as devout in their faith as Christians are and that those Muslims feel that they talk to God and that God answers their prayers just as Christians do. The same is true for Pagans -- ask ResidentWeirdo about that. I know people in all faiths who commune with God through prayer and have faith in Him (or Her, in the case of Wiccans and some other Pagans). They all believe that God speaks to them and all are convinced by similar experiences.


While YOU may be convinced that the scriptures you follow are written by God, or inspired by God, others have just as much reason to believe their scriptures were created under the same situation and by the same grace and divine intervention. If you're that sure of your scriptures, read the history behind them -- not the history OF them, but behind them. Read who wrote what, under what conditions, when they wrote it, and how and why each part got included in the final version. The answers about scriptures and their origins are rarely what people of faith expect or think.


3: Cath817 raises a good point: Here you're dating someone that you met in October, in the other thread you've been dating someone for over a year and your'e not sure about Christmas. Since the other thread was started after this one, how could you be dating that boyfriend a year and this one for a few months -- unless you're talking about two different boyfriends? If anyone questions this, read the first post in each thread and see how they contradict each other. Since it looks like you're dating two men, then the question should be if it's appropriate to have sex with the "datign since October" guy when you're trying to spend Christmas with "dating for about a year" guy.
 
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katykat is offline katykat Post #47  December 5,2008, 4:15pm
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Again, boyfriend and I BROKE UP. As Ross on 'Friends' would shout..."We were on a BREAK!"


So while on that break, I dated no sex guy. Got to know him, spent time with him. It was great.


I am now Back with my boyfriend of a year. I don't like to clog my posts with paragraphs of unrelated topics and I tried to keep it simple and stick to that one subject.


Since it was so confusing to people, next time I refer to my bf I will say "I want to spend Christmas with my boyfriend of 1 year that i broke up with for a month and then got back together with. During the break up I dated a guy a few times and asked a question about him on eharmony. Anyways, back to the topic at hand....."


Would that work better for everyone?
 
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DreamingOfAtlantis is offline DreamingOfAtlantis Post #48  December 5,2008, 8:42pm
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First, who's Ross and what's "Friends?"


Second, don't get snippy with us! You asked for help, but if you read the first posts in both threads, it's quite confusing. You could have posted on this thread, "Guys, thanks, but we broke up." After all, people were interested in helping you, so it would have been appropriate and polite.


Third: You could have, quite easily, since you weren't polite enough to thank people for their help and let them know it wasn't going to work out, said in the other thread, "I'm back together with a guy I had been dating, broke off with, then am back together with." Personally, I think that would have changed answers. There's a difference between having been with someone a solid year and having split, then been back together for only 1-2 months. In the first case, I thought he was being stubborn, but if you've only been back together a short while, I think now that he was being realistic since he doesn't know if you'll be together that long this time around and he's not going to give up what he values until he knows how things will turn out.


Forth: You can certainly give a more accurate way to reference him than a run on sentence, so that snippy example is invalid.
 
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justshell is offline justshell Post #49  December 9,2008, 6:13pm
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katykat,318166 wrote :

Well, his ex cheated with a guy at work. Then a few months after she left, the guy she cheated with didn't work out and she wanted to come back to her husband. So, that's all I know. He did mention he is very passionate and loved sex and a lot of it. So that is good. I just hate having to wait to find out. Bugs me. However, we've only had 3 dates. I gotta get to know him a little better. Maybe I'm curious how big he is down there and 'what if' it's only 4" or something!? How can I possibly find that out? I am not wanting to have sex now of course, it's justthe issue was brought up and so I wanted to make my decision early if it's something I couldn't live without. We email, text and talk on the phone a lot. He livesan hour away. He's also a police officer for a living, which is a huge huge huge turn on for me.
I don't mean to laugh at your situation, butit IS funny. I think a lot of us have gone through similar things. I am not religious although I was baptized into Catholicism at birth. I am deeply spiritual, but don't go to any church, and am not willing to, either. So that rules out any man who is deeply committed to religion. I went out on a date with a 'nice' guy a friend fixed me up with, and the fact that I calmly statedI was not a churchgoer was an immediate dealbreaker. Lately I was attracted to a man who I later found out is a devout Christian who will not have sex before marriage, and while I understand and respect that, it is just not for me. I've had too many surprises, sexually speaking, and feel that too many people hide sexual issues behind many different cloaks, sometimes -- and this is not to mean that all religious people hide sexual issues, please!!!-- it's religion. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with sex before marriage, and respect people who think otherwise, but because it's a dealbreaker for me, that shuts out the entire no-sex-before-marriage male population. To each his own!
 
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caleb73 is offline caleb73 Post #50  December 9,2008, 6:52pm
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Immerito,367860 wrote :

It looks like you both have very different values as regard to when you are willing to have sex, and how you intend to raise children.


Since he has set those standards, I would assume he has strong convictions about them.


Don't pressure him to change, don't nag. Decide if you can take him as he is--even in areas of disagreement, or not.


If you can take him as he is, then take those areas as areas you are going to choose to accept about him--just as you want him to accept you and your values.


If not, then find a guy whose values you do agree with.
he has set those standards because he is probably familiar with them and they worked for him. I'm gonna guess the issue isn't so much the banning of the TV as it is how you will raise any kids together. it may be a little early to sit down and have this discussion. but every one of us was raised different and know different things and when married there will be two sets of parenting ideas on the table. you need to talk things over and both make comprimises and set some things aside and adopt other things. it's part of life. some things he may be willing to put aside, others he won't be. once you have those figured out then you can make a more informed decision. As for banning MTV. I grew up with a tv in the house we only watched during a really bad storm or when the first gulf war was fought. so the only channels we watched were news channels and the tv was turned off during commercials. strict? yes it was. did I rebel? yes I did. do I think I'm a better person today for having grown up without tv? most definately. maybe sit down some day and watch mtv with him. spend an evening together watching show after show. and discuss why it is you would allow the kids to watch a show , or why he wouldn't want the kids to watch the show. On another note I worked for a year in a juvenile detention facility. kids 11-17 who had commited felonies. They were not allowed to watch MTV or several other music channels because it's been proven that it has a negative influence on those who watch it. The courts have decided as part of the rehabilitation that they needed to be seperated from that negative influence. As for the sex.... can you live without for a while? cause if you go without while waiting to get married it'll be that much better when you start again. Every individual is different. but i for one have an extremely high sex drive, and think about sex more often than not. But I'm also a virgin. when I go get married and start having sex the LAST thing my spouse will need to worry about is whether I'll be frigid and not wanna do anything. I'm looking forward to it a great deal. But it's a gift I've chosen to give my wife once I'm married to her. Look at it as something he's doing for you, he's not just trying to get into your pants like so many other guys out there are trying to do.
 
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