He wants to wait until he's married. Unrealistic or Good Christian Man?


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rg26 is offline rg26 Post #21  November 4,2008, 5:18am
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PortlandYon,318226 wrote :

rg26,317337 wrote :





Second, if you have not disclosed your past to him, you should.





I think I will have to disagree on this.....


To me , ideally IF (not that this should matter) even the conversation came, up...let's just say my gf says she mesed up big time IN THE PAST, and as a Christian woman she has been living an entirely different life, etc. I dont think I'd need to dig up the past. Why? Would I be satisfied if she said "only three" or "I had eight" It doesn't do me or HER any good. It will not build you up as a couple...we're presently with each other and that should be good enough.


Especially when you're already in the mid 30s or older...some of us have not always been careful in the past with our judgments....and I think disclosing about your sexual history can be very dicey and it will have to be judged strictly on case by case basis


So I guess if you asked just based on 'curiousity' or just wanting to know 'just because'...maybe it's not such a good idea.


If you are concerned about performance, size or whatever issues...you can have a mature conversation once you guys get serious....sharing concerns and at the same time you can learn how to tackle and communicate on sensitive issues. I also think if these things are THAT important to you enough to already question him even though he is "perfect", then maybe he is not that perfect after all.


My .02
Well I wouldn't bring up the past with a guy unless he asked. If he did I would be honest, but offer no more information than specifically asked. Its important that people accept each other as they are so in this light I would disclose whatever he felt was important for him to know about me.I agree the present is more important than the past, far more important. Problem lies with those who can't accept the past and let it go. Not saying this guy is like that though.
 
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noseyparker is offline noseyparker Post #22  November 4,2008, 5:45am
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As for the 'ban' on MTV, he may be trying to protect his children from what he considers unwholeseome programming. This makes sense, only if you share his value system.


No sex until marriage is an ideal that few can handle. Having had children does not mean that he is a good lover. I've heard enough horror stories of couples who are very religious, abstain from premarital sex, and have a disaterous sex life. The very religious sometimes have rigid beliefs about sex too. I've heard dthat the Church has ways of evaluating a couple's mindset toward sex during pre-marital counseling, but I am not sure that it always works.


In the end you need to decide if this man makes you happy enough in other ways that you will take the risk of waiting until marriage to find out if he can also make you happy in this most important area of your life.
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #23  November 4,2008, 5:58am
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Wow. Tough question.


I have a friend in her early 40s who waited, a few years ago. Without specifics, she now wishes she'd known then what she knows now (about her partner). Their intimate life hasn't been happy. OTOH, I do respect someone who practices his or her beliefs regardless of whether or not the rest of the world agrees. Finally (I ran out of hands), aside from the intimacy question, are his beliefs compatible with yours (e.g., the banning of MTV). So often we go into relationships thinking we can change someone and it doesn't usually work out well.


You've got a lot to think about. Good luck!
 
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brown01 is offline brown01 Post #24  November 6,2008, 3:16am
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It's too must of a risk.... I'm facing this same issue with a wonderful girl that I'm dating who is 10 years younger than me and in love with the idea of waiting until marriage for sex. She has recently put me on the spot about the issue and said "is this going to be an issue at some point?" It's produced some heated arguments between us and honestly could break up the relationship at some point (I'm not rushing anything) but I'm old enough and wise enough at this point to know what sacrifices I'm willing to make and which one's I'm not. If sex is important to you, as it is to me, I'd never be willing to wait until marriage to know what that's going to be like with someone. It just isn't worth it. There is simply no way to know if 2 people are sexually compatible without incorporating sex into the relationship. It's not the most important component of marriage but it's a significant one. Honestly, the fact that he's this much older and wanting to wait would be a red flag to me about insecurities or inadquacies that he feels in the bedroom. Was sex a big issue between him and his previous wife? Did this lead to her extramarital affair? You'll never know until you have sex with him. He could have a whole host of medical or psychological issues that could severely impair sex and I think any grown woman in this day and age deserves to know about those issues beforehand so that she can make an educated decision as to whether this is the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I'm also saying this as a Christian male. Regardless of what the moral teaching is, this is a major RED FLAG.
 
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silvergirly is offline silvergirly Post #25  November 6,2008, 4:33am
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katykat, wrote :

I met a guy recently and he's so perfect! Looking for red flags like I always do and can't seem to find any! I know he's a strong christian which is one of the qualities that drew me to him. So I decide to ask him how he feels about pre-marital sex and he said "I waited the first time, I can wait again." Yes, this is very noble, but I just don't know if this applies in today's day and age! He got married at age 20, wife cheated on him and left their 17 year marriage, kids andWalked out on him. He has been divorced for a year and even said he endedhis lastrelationship because the girl wanted to have sex! I waited until I was married the first time. When I was 20! People got married at 16 to 24 years old 'back in the day' so waiting was ideal when that advice was given. I am in my 30's and although I don't want to jump in the sack right away, I don't know if I can wait to discover what sex is like with someone Im going to spend the rest of my life with! Should this really apply the second time around? He's only had 1 partner. What's he going to think about my 10? Yes, that's the truth, be it too many or too little in your opinion. When should I bring up my number to him or do I even have to? I hate to give up an incredibly awesome guy, but I honestly love sex and can't live without it....In a monogamous, long term relationship of course! Whats your advice? Although not too big of a deal, he also told me he bans MTV in his house. Not allowed. I have 2 kids who are too young to really care about it and I rarely watch TV myself, but banned?! He has teenagers. Please give me your honest thoughts?
I met a Christian man who also wants to wait. People tell me I "shouldn't buy a pig in a bag", whatever that means, but I think it's noble to walk the talk. Sounds like a good guy.
 
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missyanne is offline missyanne Post #26  November 8,2008, 3:02pm
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Katykat - wow this guy sounds like the man I've been looking for. If you are a true Christian, not christian in a global go to church type - then this sounds like a man that is worth keeping.


Personally, it's worth waiting until marriage as there are way too many hang-ups with sex before marriage. I'm sure I'll get lots of comments regarding my "old fashioned" ways, but that's the way it is.


You need to decide if you a) simply respect him for his beliefs (not good enough in a long term relationship) or b) you hold the same beliefs.


Good luck!
 
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AmericanGothic is offline AmericanGothic Post #27  November 8,2008, 4:00pm
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ok, sexual chemistry can be felt without the actual act being immediatelly experienced. you will know what someone will be like by having conversations and interacting with the person. you can tell if they are affectionate and passionate without intercourse. you can tell if someone is a great kisser, and if they are, they will be good in bed too (generally). you can tell by the way they hold you, talk to you, and act twords others. you can ask what they like in bed, and share your wishes, and this is really quite fun and exciting, and very intimate. you can even look at their genitals, if that is important, without having sex. the problem with many relationships nowadays is that people put too much emphasis on sexual compatibility and less on the rest. then, there's the most important part: connection, emotional and spiritual. that connection is most important because it can hold things together and transform things in a positive way when all else is gone to hell. some people have great sex but can't stand eathother in other ways. their bodies connect, but their souls don't.in order to connect in a meaningful way, you must share similar values and beliefs. do you? he sounds like a fine man, and he shows what he is made of by doing as he says - this is worth a lot! don't try to seduce him, it may backfire. respect it if you care for him and can live with it, as you'd want him to respect your values, beliefs, and wishes. but it's your choice. you don't have to be a christian to have your own set of values and beliefs and stick to them. like tv watching for kids. everyone really should monitor what their kids watch on tv. if he says no mtv and you think he's too strict, those issues will become huge later on and things won't work. if you want sex now and that is important to you, obviously he is not for you. unless youare willing to compromise without resenting it. and if you think he might be too strict in other areas as well, you might be right! (as some people pointed out already, religious persons can be very black and white on many issues) it's simple: if anyone who is dating has a nagging feeling about their partner, they should never ignore it or justify it or deny it. listen to your inner voice's wisdom. as for the past, we all have our stories, and he should not be judgemental of yours, but maybe he can't live with it either,yet, you really should discuss it. it's only fair to do so,if you really want him. he already disclosed to you he only had 1 partner. if you can not be honest with a person you love, who can you be honest with? one of the risks of loving is that self-disclosure can be devastating to the other person and end things, butthat isa riskeveryone should take from the very start, because it does the least damage for all involved. "honesty is such a lonely word". I am not sayingdescribe every dirty detail, but you should not have any skelletons in your closet if you want a healthy, happy, loving, fullfilling relationship - filled with trust. my very best wishes to you.
 
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Tallgent is offline Tallgent Post #28  November 8,2008, 8:52pm
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katykat, wrote :

I met a guy recently and he's so perfect! Looking for red flags like I always do and can't seem to find any! I know he's a strong christian which is one of the qualities that drew me to him. So I decide to ask him how he feels about pre-marital sex and he said "I waited the first time, I can wait again." Yes, this is very noble, but I just don't know if this applies in today's day and age! He got married at age 20, wife cheated on him and left their 17 year marriage, kids andWalked out on him. He has been divorced for a year and even said he endedhis lastrelationship because the girl wanted to have sex! I waited until I was married the first time. When I was 20! People got married at 16 to 24 years old 'back in the day' so waiting was ideal when that advice was given. I am in my 30's and although I don't want to jump in the sack right away, I don't know if I can wait to discover what sex is like with someone Im going to spend the rest of my life with! Should this really apply the second time around? He's only had 1 partner. What's he going to think about my 10? Yes, that's the truth, be it too many or too little in your opinion. When should I bring up my number to him or do I even have to? I hate to give up an incredibly awesome guy, but I honestly love sex and can't live without it....In a monogamous, long term relationship of course! Whats your advice? Although not too big of a deal, he also told me he bans MTV in his house. Not allowed. I have 2 kids who are too young to really care about it and I rarely watch TV myself, but banned?! He has teenagers. Please give me your honest thoughts?
I would say wait. By doing this you are honoringhis Christian Faith and his decision to wait.From a male's perspective, the decision to waitis a deeply held belief that is one of the cornerstones ofthe Christian Faith. In the mean time, enjoy his personality, characterand the way he makes you feel emotionally.
 
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katykat is offline katykat Post #29  November 10,2008, 2:14am
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Okay, just an update here...we had our 5th date and ended up kissing...and more at the end of it! Lots of kissing, hugging, then my shirt goes up and he's all over me. The first thing I do is put my hand down there and he is at least 6 inches (maybe a little more) which calms my fear and so I just go back to kissing him and that's it. A typical night for a couple teenagers....except we are divorced, with kids and we are in our 30's! Okay, so, if I got him to that point the other night...do you think he's really going to wait? I know this sounds bad, tempting him into it, but I seriously can't wait! So the question now is...do you think he can be tempted into not waiting? That ideally he wants to wait but no chance in hell it's gonna turn out that way?
 
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teacherlady is offline teacherlady Post #30  November 10,2008, 2:37am
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It's probably very likely you could do it. The question is, why would you want to? Would you tempt him to smoke if he'd stopped smoking? Or drink if he was a former alcoholic? (I know, I know, they're different things, but the idea is the same.) He told you that he wanted to wait--do you care for his feelings at all? If you do, then what you want isn't as important as his conviction . . . and besides, how do you think he's going to feel about you if you "tempt" him to do something he's already told you he doesn't want to do?
 
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