How do I stop getting too attached to my matches too soon?

How do I stop getting too attached to my matches too soon?

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How do I stop getting too attached to my matches too soon?


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eharmonyadvice is offline eharmonyadvice — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  November 2,2007, 7:07am

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Dear Dr. Warren,
I am trying to be very open to the eHarmony process. But am struggling with not taking things too seriously and getting too attached to matches too quickly. Can you help?
 
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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #2  November 4,2007, 5:17am
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Good tips to slow it down and keep things in perspective. Treat dates like a job interview at first and see how it goes.
 
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Joanna is offline Joanna Post #3  November 4,2007, 8:50am
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What wonderful and insightful advice. I have been on Eharmony for about 6 months now. I have communicated with several matches with a couple of near matches. I am currently talking with someone that has a lot of promise. I have never dated more than one guy at a time. The hard part about Eharmony is feeling like I am being dishonest in some way because I have talked to a couple of guys at once. I realize now that is childish thinking and is a necessary part of the process. At first, I tended to get too involved initially but I am learning what is best for me. As I have said, the match that I am talking to now really seems like he could be the one. But, I am more than prepared to move on if necessary and I am still keeping my options open. Every match touches you in some way. However brief the communication, as long as it was positive, than it can be used to help you grow and discover more of what you are looking for in a mate.
 
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kellie is offline kellie Post #4  November 7,2007, 8:43am
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I have been on and off eharmony for almost two years. I have had over 300 matches, but only 4 dates. The guy i'm seeing now seem to be the one, we enjoy each other and both hva had some bad relatinships. I enjoy eharmony becuase it allows me to talk to othe people andto make sure i'm making thwe right decsion.
 
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Melodie is offline Melodie Post #5  November 8,2007, 5:51am
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What great advice! I have been on eHarmony for 2yrs, not constantly. I have had more matches than I can count but only have actually met 4 men. I now have 3 great friends and one best friend! My best friend and I have taken the next step and we are moving in together. It seems quick as we have only been dating for 2 months but we have talked everyday for hours on end, but we both feel like we have known each other all our lives. He had only been on eHarmony for a month when we were matched. We are not closing our eyes to anything, believe me, we both are wide awake in this relationship. It is such a great feeling to be honest with your self and to find a mate who is also honest with himself. We have our deal breakers and have talked extensively about them, neither of us are settling and it feels wonderful. I've met my match on eHarmony! Thank you for the great advice!
 
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lizzy is offline lizzy Post #6  November 8,2007, 7:06am
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I was on e harmony for 30 days, as was my husband. When I signed up I had 20 matches the first week, he was the last one on the list. He had 40 matches, I was the next to last one on his list that first week. Both of us required a great work ethic, financially sound, grad school educated partner.
We e mailed each other for 3 weeks, no pictures, no voice contact, just e mail.
At the end of our first date he ask me to marry him, we did, in a lavish ceremony 3 months later. That was 4 years ago, we are still as happy as the day we met each other. Never say never!
 
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Denise is offline Denise Post #7  November 8,2007, 10:22am
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I believe you do need to keep your options open. Because even though you may connect it may not be enough to sustain a relationship. Joanna above mentioned she felt dishonest about talking to more than one guy at a time. I believe you can do that for a period of time, however, if there is somebody with whom you have gotten past the superficial level of knowing each other and feel that this could go the next level then I believe you need to narrow down the pool. If you start to get to close and attached to too many men it will leave you confused. However, I'm an advocate of having a good time and it's great to play the field so to speak with our matches until you've met that match that moves to the next level.

Take you time. Get to really know a person. You may find out that even though you got great chemistry that person is not the right match for you. Funny enough it could the smallest, simplest thing that will let you know that this is match for you.

Good luck!
 
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oktexchic is offline oktexchic Post #8  November 8,2007, 4:13pm
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Good article. God gave us the infatuation stage so that we wouldn't be aware of a person's "warts" and never want to get involved in the first place. And isn't that what is meant by the statement "love is blind." It is important to realize that it takes getting to about month 6 before real life starts kicking in & we start recognizing the challenges of the relationship ... there are always going to be those too. Getting to know one in all kinds of scenarios is good .. with their friends/family, with your friends/family, and in stressful situations to see how they will handle that. It's good to go through all seasons too ... some people change w/the seasons.
 
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lainsey50 is offline lainsey50 Post #9  November 9,2007, 10:10am
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I have been on for about 3 monthas and have had many matches. But I am somewhat picky and being older, I am not willing to settle at this stage in my life. I am currently seeing one of my matches and I like this guy, but he is much more "in like" with me than I him. I am not really ready for marriage yet, and I think this guy is. I am willing to explore a bit farther, but I am still coresponding with others on E Harmony. I also felt a bit strange talking with several men at a time, but have come to the realization that this is all part of the process and now am a bit more at ease doing so. But this is infinately better than what I could acomplish on my own. And I feel completely safer with E harmony doing the culling out process for me. Who knew that dating could be so stressful?
 
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Adenike is offline Adenike Post #10  November 9,2007, 10:23am
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I am so grateful for this post.Here i am querying my attachment to someone i met on eharmony last week and already feel close to him.
I have been on eharmony for three weeks and just started open communication with three persons.One of the guy requested we communicate through our own email addresses and i agreed,within a day or two he invited me to join messenger we spoke the first time for over three hours and have spoken online everyday since.We have not met for a date due to our geographical distance,he has told me i am the person he is looking for and so he will discontinue at eharmony,i have told him to still meet others but he says he believes i am the one.
Today is my first time not getting an email from him and i cant believe how disappointed i feel.Could it be i am already attached?Is it possible to have a healthy attachment in so short a time?
 
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