Is Your Friend Really a "Frenemy"?

Is Your Friend Really a 'Frenemy'?

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Is Your Friend Really a 'Frenemy'?


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funsaltnpepper is offline funsaltnpepper Post #21  September 24,2008, 2:40pm
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This article is so truthful that it was hard to read. It sheds light on a relationship that I recently had to distance myself from. If I had any doubts, and I did, I don't anymore.
 
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whatever101 is offline whatever101 Post #22  September 24,2008, 2:45pm
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well it seems that mine will help me for a little while till it seems to be a inconvience for them and then stop talking to me once i figure the problem out and im able to stand on my own two feet...
 
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funsaltnpepper is offline funsaltnpepper Post #23  September 24,2008, 2:55pm
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jamiepreheim1976,266940 wrote :

Uniquecorn,261270 wrote :


I am sitting here in shock but glad I saw this article. I had been in love for several years with a man who didnt love me. My "girlfriend" advised me against continuing to see him telling me things he said abt me that were hurtful. She also disparaged my figure but the remarks were too crazy to accept (eg gain more weight- when she was asian and about 85 pounds to my 120, etc.) For several years she would put this man down to me to "help" me get over him. She advised not to respond to his emails or say hello or look at him. I listened to this advice to avoid pain. This week, she said she had to tell me and didnt want it to ruin our friendship but she began to see him -- not even a kiss yet and she didnt know "where it would go but couldnt lie to me!" blah blah.


Our whole relationship of 6 years was a lie. I can not speak to her and hopefully will never again. How could a friend do that? I lost him a few years back and now her too. wow. sucker, huh?


I too have "frenemies" they talk about me behind my back, and then deny everything when confronted about it, or try to switch it around like the person telling me was lying and twisted what was said to make them look bad. Ive learned over the last year not to trust them. My contact with them is limited and so is my openness. I know to refrain from telling anything of value to me that they will just shoot down or deface. Ive had one in the past that has deliberately tried to ruin a relationship with a guy I was interested in... in fact more than one time it happened.


I think i agree when everyone is saying that these "frenemies" are just insecure and unhappy in their own lives.
Anyone who is determined to sabatoge your relationship with someone else, unless that personis abusing you, should be suspect. I've experienced the exact same situation, I tried to remind her of her previous actions andvery unfavorable comments and revelations about him that she shared "because she cared so much about me". He suspected , but I kept her comments confidential- between friends. It was quite a while later that I realized the relationship wasn't working. So I didn't respond directly to her suggestions- but she later asked me why did I break-up with him? Of course after they began communicating. Unfortunately, selective amnesia had set-in. I'm not certain if that was her original intent-doesn't matter though.I'll be wiser next time.Lesson learned. Consider yourself fortunate. I do.
 
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GG79 is offline GG79 Post #24  September 24,2008, 3:59pm
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Do I have a frenemy?....It starts with someone I have been friends with since I was 9. During Jr. High and HS, we were one yr. on...one yr. off. This was to her tendency to go hang out with so called "cooler" groups along the way. Each time I stood my ground and claimed my identity, she eventually came crying back that she loved me and missed me the whole time. After high school our relationship became secure and we were "soul-mates". Our social circle also got alot smaller-so maybe there wasless opportunity to go astray.


I always found that she was in major competition with me. When we are alone, everythings great. When that 3rd wheel is around-I'm left out. She needs to bond or attatch to that one person in all situations. When we were younger and went out dancing-she usually found a guy that worshiped her and attatched to him all night (all while having a very serious b-friend, who she is still with). She has never gave me a compliment besides an occasional"you look gooooood" in a phoney/I wish you didn't type oftone.


I recently had a "big" birthday, while out one night with her and another g-friend, I was completely left out of a 45 min convo in which she lead, not making eye contact with me once. Maybe it was due to my turning pt in life, but I had had it! I finally told her, in a nice way at first, everything I wanted to ever say. How she made me constitanly feel lower than her and how she always was in competition with me. She viciously attacked me right back. It was like a cat and mouse game, whatever I said, she repeated right back as things I do. She tried so hard to involve my other friend for reassurance, as if she was trying to gang up on me. Saying to her...Right? Right? The other friend never answered. Afterwards I questioned the other friend...and she never had a problem with me.


After not speaking for several months after this fight, my sister suddenly passed away. My frenemy came to my house and the wake, even sent flowers...great! After my sister's funeral, it was if it was just that-she was dead and buried. I didn't get a phone call for weeks, and if I did it was never, how are you doing? If I mentioned I was upset, she would be like, "Whyyyyyy?'' As if she was oblivious or too busy with work. Recently she has made several attempts to call me or try to make plans, and I blew her off. I don't want to make nice when I'm still upset about my sister and making nice now would just push that under the rug. My other friend doesn't feel this competition too much with her, is it me????
 
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paradice is offline paradice Post #25  September 25,2008, 5:15pm
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Beware of the frenemy!!!


I unfortunately had one for 22 years, yes I know that was a very long time.


However frenemies have a way of wearing many faces and you will question yourself, if this person is really your friend.


Eventually, the frenemy face will appear more and more and you now know something is a wrong, but again when the other face is before you, you question yourself again.


My frenemy for years always kept what I call a "Your No Better Than Me Syndrome." Everything I would do,buy, said I was going to do or buy and places I would go, she would do it right after I would without failure.


What was so crazy about it all she would then act like she was the original in it all.


If we went to and event or party and she liked my outfit, she would not compliment, but she would set up a time for us to go out again and would wear an outfit very similar to what I had on at the previous outing.


I get a new car, she would get a new car even when she was not financially equipped to get it at the time and I have witness her cars being reposessed.


I took a trip to Miami one year and she wanted to go so bad that she begged a friend to go with her at her expense on a credit card that she got to build back up her credit after having to file bankruptcy.


Then she would always come across in subtle ways as to say we are on the same level and we do, get , wear and go the same places, you are not doing anything I can't do,


It took me a minute to realize what was going on, but when I did, I never understood why her attitude was of such, because I never acted, said or implied that I ever thought I was better than her or had more than she had.


When she would get new male friends she got a new attitude and it was always a thing where she would go into these very short relationships apparently talking about me to her male friends and I can tell they were always looking at me thru jaudice eyes and there attitudes were always a bit cold and they didn't know me from a can of paint.


When she was getting married, she asked me to be in her wedding and then she was distant, secretive about her plans, vague about what she want you to wear and the day of the wedding she and her mother was very rude to me I don't know if they were that way with others.


I knew after her wedding the next frenemy act that she pulled on me she was going to be put out of my life for good, because after the wedding ordeal I had enough!


After the wedding she called me consistently with one of her other faces and I thought WOW maybe her being married will make her happy and take away her jealousy and maybe she feels great that she finally has something I don't have and got it first for a change "A HUSBAND", but boy was I wrong shortly after her good face she went back into her frenemy mode.


She and her husband and her two children went out of town to a wedding and as I alway done I called before she left to wish her a safe trip (something she has never done to me when I went out of town, in fact she would disappear about a week before I left.) and she would genearally call and say she was back or I would call to see if she made it back safely. Well this time I had called her like 5 or more times and I got no answer. Now mind you, since she had gotten married she would never call me from her home phone just on her cell phone when in route to work, the store, doctor etc.... which told me I was potrayed as the bad person once again to her husband,so she can't call me in his presence, because then he would have to wonder how bad of a person could I be if she calls me on a regular (she was wicked) Anyway I took a chance to call her on her home phone, because after trying to reach her 5 or more time on her cell phone with no answer I began to think maybe something was wrong, needless to say she answer her home phone and was in good health and all, but told me she was on another call and she would call me back and I told her don't bother.


Well, I guess she had to be sure, if what she heard me say was so, so she called me back anyway and asked me what did I say and I told her and of course I express to her why and she was having denial issues on many things and I knew it was a waste of my time at this point and those were my final words with her.


It has been about three years since I severed that toxic so-call friendship and I realized some time ago that the only friend in that relationship was me.


My advice is if it looks like a duck,walk like a duck and quack like a duck IT IS A DUCK, don't second guess your instincts.
 
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Lollcar is offline Lollcar Post #26  September 28,2008, 4:48am
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I have had a frenemy for a long time and she rewened my child-hood. She would always put me down saying that every thing i wore looked bad and that i was chubby. She even had the nerve to invite herself over my house[img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-yell.gif[/img]and eat all of my food. Every ten minutes it was ' can we get a snack or im hungry!'. Even though she was so mean to me i was never mean to her. I would always say that everything she wore looked good on her (even though she was fat). I would NEVER ask fore foodwhen i went over her house i would always wait because i was taught that it was rude to constantly ask for food over someone else's house. I really think she was jelous of me because i was tall skinny and had a fast metabolisim so i could eat anything i wanted but if she ate food she would instantly get fat.





She ruined my childhood! Like when me and another girl got in an argument AND I got introuble even though i didnt do anything at all she wouldnt stick up for me. She never said anything like i was a good person and would never do that. She didnt ask me what was wrong when i was sitting alone on the bench. Or like when i got MAJOR surgery and could have died she never asked if i was okay. She would always brag about how she got a scar on her head for being a retard and walking into a door





Every major that happend in my life she had to match it with something worse. Like when my dog died (i had this dog ever since before i could remeber and i loved him soo much and the dog really loved me too!) i cryed for a week straight. I had to take a day off the day after he died. Heck i even cried more when my dog died than when my grandma died! BUT she has the nerve to call me and say i know how u feel my dog just died. She wasnt even sad about it i think i was sadder about it than her. Like when igot new dog for my birth day . (after my other original dog died i wanted a new dog and would pressure my parents into buying one.) After wards her FAMILY got a dog. She even said to me "yah im gonna get anotherr dog for my birthday!!!" By the way this sint even half of the crap she did >.< She would say that her dog could kick my dogs butt even though she had atoy dog and i got a siberian husky that killed 7 animals the saize of her dog.





She made my shy and self concious and would never let me have any other friends. Thank god in middle school we got put into seperate halls. Now i have friends that love me (in a sisterly way) and like to do the same things i do! Where as this monster friend named katie would always say things that i liked were stupid and she would invite me to do thingsshe KNEW i couldnt like gobike riding or go to a place alone. (I didnt know how to ride a bike for the longest time and she made fun of me for it) I am glad i met her though. Because without her i would have never realised that in this world you can never trust any one. The only peope you can trust are the people that make you laugh and make you feel good about yourself like my two new friends that when im around they always make me laugh and make me feel good about myself[img]library/editor/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-laughing.gif[/img]
 
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Michigooser2 is offline Michigooser2 Post #27  September 28,2008, 6:27am
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I have recently, decided to dump a frenemy and get rid of her for good. I have known her for two years. She is now 53 and I am 38. We were very close, but always a hint of underlying motherness to her that just drove me insane. Not to mention whenever I would date a man a little older than me she would reply, "I think he's a little too old for you and maybe you should introduce him to me." You just are not equipped to date an older man.


My last boyfriend was 10 years older than me we got along great and he loved my kids. I really thought of him as the one. Mind you I have not thought of anyone that way in over 10 years. Every time I would talk to this frenemy about him she would get disgusted and get off the phone with me in a hurry. I moved intoa new home almost a year ago and my home is 1 hour away from where I used to live. With the many promises of this frenemy that she would be down here to see me more times than I would want her to. She has not come to see me once since I have been here. Not once. Every phone conversation includes I miss you terrible, and as soon as I get a day or two off in a row I will be there. After a year of hearing this, I started to get irritated knowing full well she would not be coming down to see me. Mind you I have been up there to see her more than my share of times to visit her.


The final straw was a few weeks ago when I called her to ask her for a reference for a job I thought I would be qualified to do. She immediately tore into me and told me she did not think I was qualified enough for this position and that she thought I needed a degree of some sort for the position. The ad was specific in stating that they did not require a degree for the job, and just that I have the skills they were looking for. Which I did possess. After listening to her go on and on about this I immediately told her that Ihad to get my kids in bed and would call her back later. I have not called her back since. I have since changed my phone numbers and have not given her the new number. When I broke up with the last boyfriend she was all excited for me telling me that she thought I should not date older men, that I am not equipped to handle that and that I should leave the older men to her. For awhile I listened to her advise and two of the men that I dated and really liked no longer speak to me. Because of how she told me to handle the situations.


I am a firm believer in second chances, one of the two men I used to date he and I are still friends and I think maybe he wanted to get close to me again. But I have to tread on shaky ground here. I have told him of my friendship with this woman and how she reacted and that I was sorry I listened to her about him. He said no problem and still talks to me every now and then. We still keep in contact and still try to do things with each other every once in awhile.


Without her advice and her constant nagging about him, maybe this will work out if only to be good friends for awhile. Who knows? But a frenemy is just what has been described as: " A person who is insecure about themselves, and trie to bring another down, for the person they are." First of all, never let another advise you of anything in a relationship unless the significant other is hurting you physically or mentally. If that is the case then get out of that relationship and never look back. But if you are in a serious relationship or really like someone and they are potentially right for you then go for it and go slowly. Those friends who do not have anything good to say are jealous and trying to make you feel as miserable as you are. Being alone at times does indeed suck! But being around frenemies like this are worse! So use caution.


Relationships are not easy no matter what the obstacles. Having frenemies only add to the obstacles. SO it is best to cut off all ties as soon as humanly possible. Be strong and assert yourself and do not fall prey to these people. It will only hurt you in the end. So live your life and be who you want. 'Cause in the end you are all you have anyway.
 
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deidre1981 is offline deidre1981 Post #28  September 28,2008, 9:44am
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I had frenemy for about fifteen years and I am only 26. I constantly tried to put down things I wanted to do like they could never happen and always kept my name in a bunch of crap all the while praising me as her very best friend. She would tell things that we would take about in confidence and tell people and start a bunch of unnecessary crap. Every time we would get into it we would not talk for a while and then she would get her mother to call saying you guys have been friends for long and need to make up and crap like that any every time I would fall for it. I found myself praying for a way or maybe a reason to break this friendship ever since January and finally got a way out a month ago when she called me with some real negative stuff about how my boyfriends ex girlfriend doesn't like me ( I mean really does she have too?) and I told her that I don't care and haven't talk to her or answered the phone for her since. To tell the truth honestly I don't miss her or anything and I really feel like a big burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm glad I finally got rid of my frenemy!
 
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sexysmile is offline sexysmile Post #29  September 28,2008, 12:43pm
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cat222,270368 wrote :

sexysmile,269971 wrote :


I have one of these! Uck!!!


I have a part time job... that I do for fun. She is the asst. mgr. there. She has her "list." I'm sure I'm on it. What's funny is she kisses up to me though. Tries to get me to go to her side against some of the other employees. Makes me want to barf.


Had to spend some time with her last week. She was talking about a situation and stated she never yells at anyone in front of customers. I was livid. Wanted to list the times I had put up with her mouth and watch other fellow workers put up with her.


Talked with the other asst. mgr. because I wasn't sure if I should call here on it or not. We came to the mutual thing of not saying anything. He agrees with me. She can't stand critisim and if she is wrong.. won't admit it.


She also drops the little bombs. Puts me down on the sly etc. Rolls her eys because I'm on E. She more or less told me to "find" someone. Like I better now or I'll end an old maid. I told her I have standards and won't settle. Meanwhile She's married and I'm sure she hasn't had relations with her man in a long time. She packs his lunch every day etc. I hear it all. "Poor me!" Ugh!


Drives me nuts. I still like my job. Most of the other people there I'm close to and all my clients love me and we have great relationships. So, I can't let one person interfere, but I wish she would find a better job and leave.


Other than that I've had a great day!!! I also got to take a nap!!!! Yeah!!!


I'm sure you already know this...Your co-workers and clients are fully aware of the "phonies" out there and know that your intentions are honorable, unlike the latter.


I mean, c'mon you can tell whether or not someone is speaking from the heart or if they are blowing smoke. This frenemy is miserable and bored. Let's not forget, that you have this job for fun, and she probably needs it to survive. Possible envy, bitterness?? I think so. She needs a hobby, wouldn't you agree?


If I were you, I would continue to be myself and always SMILE!!

Thanks cat.


Peace Be With You!
 
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Skomer is offline Skomer Post #30  September 28,2008, 2:38pm
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I had a friendship with a co-worker outside of work. I liked her a lot and we socialized away from work. She had two losses of family members within 5 months of each other. I was there for her through it all and was a shoulder for her to cry on many times.I retired 6 months before she did, and I tried to continue our friendship, but I noticed her slowly pulling away and making up excuses to not visit or socialize with me.I know in my heart I was a devoted and caring friend to her. When she didn't invite me to her retirement dinner, I realized she had only used me and didn't value our friendship the way I had valued it. I decided to end all communication with her and get on with my life.When I think back on our relationship, it was always about her and her problems, etc. She was emotionally draining, and that I don't miss! She was never interested in what was going on in my life, nor was she interested in my family, while I was always interested in her family. I can see when I look back that it was a one-sided friendship. She was one of those people who will be your best friend while working with you, but if she doesn't work with you anymore, she moves on to friendships with other co-workers, leaving me in the dust. I call that a "fair-weather" friend.I'm not long-suffering where friendships are concerned.I've had a lot of disappointing friendships, but this one was by far the most disappointing. Lesson learned!!
 
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