Should this friendship continue?


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StingFanChicago is offline StingFanChicago Post #1  February 15,2012, 5:20pm
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Brief history, became friends with a girl when we were 8 years old. Remained close friends all these years. Now we are both 33 years old. I'm single no children, she is married with children. I am the godmother to one of her kids. We used to live very close to each other, but now she relocated 1 hour and 20 minutes away by car.

Ok, so here's the problem: In the last few years I've noticed an imbalance in the efforts put forth in our friendship. I feel I put more into it in terms of making an effort to spend time together, in that if I wanted to see her, I would make the drive to her place every time in the last 7 years. When her first child was very young, she claimed it was too difficult to take him on a long car ride just to meet for lunch. There were also financial concerns with gas, etc...so I would just go ahead and offer to drive out to her.I began to resent always having to drive the whole way there, so I decreased the amount of times I would offer, and we ended up only getting together (at her place)on birthdays, and holidays.


That was fine. But I also kept waiting for her to offer to come out by me, which never happened. Over the years ,and up until very recently, we normally spoke at least 4 times a week on the phone, for probably a 1/2 to an hour every time. We also would text message throughout the day every day. I was always attending anything related to her son's (my godson) birthdays, her b-days, and always brought a gift for both their b-days and also on Christmas with gifts for the child and for her and her husband. On my b-days if I was willing to drive out by her, she would just take me out to lunch for my b-day. If I didn't drive out to see her any time around my b-day, then I would just get a call from her saying happy bday.

Then she started selling a comestic line from home.

I attended her first party and got their early to help her set up, and also bought a bunch of cosmetics I didn't want just to show her my support and help make her first party a financial success.

In all these years since she moved away, she has come to see me at my place ONE time.* If she drove in to see her family, I might get a chance to see her if I wasn't working...but that happened maybe 3 times in the last 7 years.

Well, finally, my b-day rolls around, and for the first time in many years, I decided I wanted to make it a big deal and chose to invite some friends to go out for a nice dinner. I told her about it one month in advance, and she even helped me decide what to say on the invitatons. Not once did she say that she might not be able to make it on that particular date or time.

When it came time to RSVP, I noticed she hadn't responded or mentioned it at all in our many daily phone conversations so I called her to ask if she was going to come to my b-day dinner. She said "Oh, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it sorry." Then she asked if she could make it up to me by taking me out for lunch earlier in the day...BUT, she knew I had to work that particular day, so I would not be able to meet her.So then she said she would make it up to me another time, and we just left it at that.* We didn't speak again for one month.* I was deeply hurt that she didn't come to the party, or give me any specific reason why she couldn't attend. She is married and her husband could have watched their child, so I can't imagine any other reason why she couldn't come aside from not wanting to drive to where the party was.

That was pretty bad...but what was worse is how she avoided me for ONE month after my bday!!!* This was going from speaking on the phone 4 times a week and texting EVERY DAY, to absolutely NO contact for one month. Then finally, she texted me asking if I was mad at her.

Wow.

We talked about the situation and I was very honest (and calm) that she hurt me by not coming to the party, but what really hurt more was how she handled the situation afterwards. She apologized and said "you know I don't handle conflict well."* So, we agreed to start over and perhaps with different expectations (but I don't know how much lower mine could be for her at this point)...but honestly I was so fed up with how imbalanced things were.She never did take me out for my b-day (it's been 6 months since my bday)...which would have been a good start at her making more of an effort to keep her promises and show good faith. But she didn't.

Since then, the extent of our contact has been one line phoney texts on Thanksgiving, her b-day in December, Christmas, and her second child's birth in January, and the most recent one on Valentine's Day.

I'm fully aware that now she has a newborn, she'll really not have any time to but any effort here, and I've written her off...I just hope I'm not making a mistake since we've been friends for so long.

Is it just possible that this friendship has run it's course and I just have to accept that she'll never make it a priority again? Also, I don't think I've ever expected more than is reasonable from a friend, and in reality I've given her a lot of room to play the frazzled housewife with kids "card" and don't expect her to be there for me as much as my single friends can.The problem is this hurts because she was my closest and oldest friend growing up, and it's a slap in the face how she's handled the last few months, especially because she knows me better than any other friend.

I realize part of the problem was ME allowing the imbalance to go on so long and not saying anything...and I realize now it's probably too late because her current priority (and rightfully so) is her newborn. Should I just stop responding to the phoney one line texts (they are insulting to see after being close all these years)? Or do I try to talk to her about this one more time?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  February 16,2012, 6:20am
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You should do what feels genuine to you - and by genuine, I mean what is true to your essential nature and which you won't regret by expecting a similar reciprocity.

Friends do occasionally pass out of our lives...we grow and change in different ways. Also, people's priorities change and we have to accept that. I have very dear friends that I have limited contact (kind of like your 'phony' texts) with these days because we're just in vastly different places in our lives. But I know they value me and think of me - they just have other, more local and more urgent priorities these days. And I'm okay with that because of the history of value and because I gear back my effort to that which I can do without feeling like I'm over-extending myself or without having expectations.

Friends are different from SOs to me in the sense that while I love my friends and would not give them up, they will (and they know they will) take a bit of a backseat when I'm involved with someone. My guess is that your friend's life is just too full of priorities for you to be near the top of the list right now - and that's reasonable for her. Whether or not it is for you all depends on your outlook. But the tendency to view things as 'insulting' and 'a slap in the face' instead of trying to sincerely understand without fixing is a recipe for disaster. She's not playing a 'frazzled' card. She is living her life with quite appropriate priorities IMO and she might be a bit weary over your sense of entitlement in the friendship and your unwillingness to understand that this is who she is and what she's doing now.

I know that sounds harsh. I don't mean for it to. I've agonized over letting people to and letting go of my own expectations as well. But I've also been on the receiving end of an old friend who wants things to 'get back to normal' without recognizing that this is what is normal for me now. I get that it's out of balance for you....but it might be the best balance she can manage right now.

We grow and change. If this person adds value to your life even in the limited capacity she's chosen, try to be grateful and accepting. If you can't, be kind and let her go (quietly and without announcement or fanfare) to extend her efforts and energy to those who can.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; February 16,2012 at 6:58am.
 
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StingFanChicago is offline StingFanChicago Post #3  February 16,2012, 8:06am
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Thanks for your insight. I think I will let her just go because I have already had the talk with her about my concerns and obviously nothing changed for the better, and actually became worse (most likely because she feels everything is awkward and uncomfortable between us now.)

To be clear, she was calling me an equal amount and texting me an equal amount prior the bday issue...so I was not in any way asking her for any extra amount of effort or time then she was already giving. I know priorities change when people get married and start a family and I was always respectful of that.

I suppose it's gone too far the other way now though, and this minimal communication is not the kind of friendship I want in my life. So yes I will let it go, without fanfare or any discussion as you suggested. Thanks for replying!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  February 16,2012, 8:38am
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Sometimes, people just change too much are in too-different stages of life. I do have very close friends with whom I had little contact for years while I was off out there adventuring far away from them. But, we've re-established what was once and are again solid friendships.

Perhaps this will happen for you and this friend. I hope so. There's really nothing like someone who has known you most of your life and is still in your corner. I'll wish that for you, somewhere down the line when the time is right.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  February 16,2012, 8:42am
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I think, unfortunately, friendships change a lot in adulthood. I'm a couple years younger than you (28) and none of my friends have kids yet, but I know I first struggled when I started to notice things changing. I think it's very hard because at this point in our lives our priorities and lifestyles are not only very different from what they were 5 or 10 years ago, but also can change to be very different from our friends. I think at times it can be hard to find the common ground when you are both living in two very different worlds and so far away.

I know I personally struggle when in relationships where I feel like I am making the lions share of the effort. I had MANY of those friendships and I realized they were making me feel unsatisfied so eventually I made the decision to let many of them go. At first it was hard because I remember feeling a slight feeling of panic that I had fewer friends as well as failure that we hadn't been able to keep things going. I've become a lot happier letting these people go or keeping them as acquaintances.

I think the other option might be to acknowledge that it's probably unrealistic to go back to the way the friendship was, but maybe you could find a new model that works for you and where each of you is making equal effort. Like finding a place in between to meet for lunch every couple of months. If it's still not working than it may not be meant to be.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  February 16,2012, 10:40am
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I think it's pretty hard to understand just how much someone's life changes when they have a husband/wife and kids to attend to. It will most definitely alter the dynamics of all friendships and sometimes, it may be hard for the single person to get that and adjust to it. You've also mentioned briefly that she had some financial issue with driving over. Well, that financial issue may be much more dire than you realize, but most people are not going to disclose such issues even to their best and closest friends.

Rather than expecting for her to do things for you to make up for the past, perhaps you need to fall into a different dynamic where you both just continue to talk on the phone since she does make the effort there. Be there for each other more in good will, rather than driving to see each other and expecting that. Friendship is not like dating. With a long standing friendship, you don't need to see each other in order to be there for each other.
 
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eharmonyjc is offline eharmonyjc Post #7  February 16,2012, 11:35am
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DancingFool wrote :
I think it's pretty hard to understand just how much someone's life changes when they have a husband/wife and kids to attend to. It will most definitely alter the dynamics of all friendships and sometimes, it may be hard for the single person to get that and adjust to it. You've also mentioned briefly that she had some financial issue with driving over. Well, that financial issue may be much more dire than you realize, but most people are not going to disclose such issues even to their best and closest friends.

Rather than expecting for her to do things for you to make up for the past, perhaps you need to fall into a different dynamic where you both just continue to talk on the phone since she does make the effort there. Be there for each other more in good will, rather than driving to see each other and expecting that. Friendship is not like dating. With a long standing friendship, you don't need to see each other in order to be there for each other.
^^this

Sting, I had a similar problem with my oldest friends when I moved back somewhat close to them. I live an hour away from all of them, and they are all married with small children. At first I would get annoyed that none of them ever volunteered to come up to where I live to go to dinner or whatever, and I would always end up going to them. But, I got over it once I realized that it was kind of a big deal for them to come up my way.

To us single childless people it seems like it should be so easy for them to pick up and come see us just like they would before kids came along, but in reality, it's not. A lot of my friends don't like to be separated from their kids, especially since most of them work during the day and get limited time with their kids as it is. It's not as easy as I would have thought to bring a small child on a car trip alone, even if it's just 90 minutes. So now, we don't see each other as much and don't talk that much, but we're still great friends, and I know if I needed something they would be there, and if they need something I would be there too. I think that's how long-term friendships evolve as we get older.

I also think you need to drop the idea of "well I did this this and this for her, so she needs to do this for me". I have one friend with two special needs children and another on the way. I have been helping her out quite a bit since I moved back, and threw her a baby shower recently. I do not expect her to do anything in return, I do it because I enjoy helping her out and I know she needs the help. Anything you do for her should be because you genuinely want to, and not because you feel obligated or expect anything in return. This applies to a romantic relationship as well.
 
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dovegirl is offline dovegirl — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  February 16,2012, 11:38am
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I think the two of you are in completely different life stages at this point, and the friendship that you had is not going to survive intact. Actually, the only reason it has survived this long is probably because of your efforts.

I was reading in your initial post that your friend really began to drop the ball once she was married, and the baby just exacerbated the issue. She may be the kind of person whose life is going to revolve around her family now...and her family actually began with her husband. Some people work hard to keep their own friends and activities separate from their spouse once they marry and some don't...it seems like she is in the latter camp. If that is the case, and you continue to put the effort into something she doesn't really care about anymore, you are just going to feel resentful, and the friendship with end on a completely sour note.

I would accept that you have grown apart and walk away now. Maybe many years down the line your friendship will rekindle, but for now that common thread of experiences just isn't there.
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #9  February 16,2012, 12:12pm
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Stingfan,

You've received great advice so far. I wanted to add some perspective from someone who's been in your friend's position -- a parent of two young children who lost touch for a period of time with some longstanding friends. I'd hate to see you throw away a lifelong friendship for complications that are, in all likelihood, temporary.

I am currently a divorced father of a 5 and a 3 year old. Back when I was married and my children were first born, however, I was often in the same position as your friend -- unable to devote as much time and energy as I previously did to old friends, particularly those who were still living the single life. Unfortunately, I could no longer grab a drink, see a band, or take a ski trip like I used to when friends invited me. Kids require a lot of time, money and effort, and don't leave much of any of those things unaccounted for. After being away from the kids during the week for work, I found that I wanted to spend time with my kids on the weekend. I also found that any free time that my ex and I did have would be spent with other new parents, bonding over the joys and tribulations of parenthood. Besides, packing an infant and a toddler, and all required equipment, into a car for a 3 hour round trip is quite an undertaking!

I've also found that kids get a little easier each year -- its much easier for me to take a car trip now with my kids than 2 year ago, and I suspect it will be easier still 2 years from now. Also, now that I'm divorced and living the "single" life again (at least when I don't have the kids), I've reconnected with my single friends, and the relationships haven't been harmed by my several years of benign neglect.

I suggest that you forgive your friend for her past behavior, accept whatever she's able to give under the circumstances (without over-committing yourself), and keep her in your life. Additionally, as godmother to her child, you should try to remain a part of the child's life. I wish you the best!
 
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paintandbooks is offline paintandbooks Post #10  February 16,2012, 12:45pm
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These are all good replies to the OP. I was a little taken aback that anyone over 21 is the least bit concerned about their own birthday - I put that stuff in the same category as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the like, and maybe the friend shares my outlook, that birthdays are a childhood matter, and not much of a matter even then. That may contribute to the conflict between the OP and the friend.

The situation reminds me that people who look to be offended can always find something to offend them, and people who don't look to be offended find... peace? Happiness? Rich and fulfilling lives? I don't mean to be rude, but, in my observations, myopia is the road to misery.
 
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