Lost in darkness, looking for the light.


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Lucid is offline Lucid Post #1  January 25,2012, 2:27pm
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... is feeling 8 shades of grey on this gloomy, gloomy day.

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Alot of this is rhetorical and there are no real answers but they are based on recurring thoughts and feelings that have been haunting me as of late. By no means am I looking for sympathy for where I am in life as I've got no one to thank for this but myself, my moods have fallen to darkness and am currently awaiting the light to present itself to me. As impatient as I may be time is no longer my friend.

The following contains course language, violence, nudity and the deadful thoughts of a lonely man. Viewer discretion is advised.

Do you ever lay in bed at night and find yourself looking next to you wondering who that beautiful person is that isn't there? The person that should be there, the one that you will eventually meet and spend the rest of your life with. Who are they? What their name is? Where they are now, what they're doing and why haven't you found eachother yet?

I find myself asking these questions more often than not these days. It can be quite overcoming in a sense that loneliness is taking over. I have no problem being by myself, but being alone can make the world a much darker place, especially since I've loved and lost and now yearn for that feeling of loving another and being loved in return all over again.

Some would call it desperation, others might refer to it as needy. To be honest I don't know what this feeling is called but I would compare it to not being whole. There is a void inside of me and all I need is a counterpart to fill this feeling of emptiness, someone who fits me and fills the void like a 29 sided puzzle piece. Who is she? Where is she? And where can I find her? I guess thats why I'm here and just have to keep my eyes and heart open.

I do not rely on others to make myself happy, I can do that on my own. What I do need though is someone to share this life with, someone to join me, someone to live, laugh and love. Truth be told I can't grasp an understanding of life if you have no one to share it with. I mean really, whats the point if you never really feel complete?

I woke up in the middle of the night earlier this week and found my arm around my pillow after a nice dream but I never did see her face, when I opened my eyes and noticed this, a question mark on my pillow was all I had seen. Thats where all of this stems from, the questions anyway. I suppose the rest comes from the need of fulfillment.

Not really sure why I'm writing all this, it doesn't feel any better getting this out. Just darkness escaping the void that I carry within me, leaking out as it becomes overbearing and I tread the waters of depression while I exist day to day faking a smile for the world and the depths of it all try to consume me.

What are the chances that her and I will cross paths at the park, the gym, the bar, online, anywhere.. To both be at the same place at the same time and both have our eyes open for eachother.. Have we met before, have we missed our chance meeting and over looked eachother? No my glass isn't half full these days and I'll admit that I'm looking at things from a bad angle, but sometimes thats the way the world is.. Our futures are based on the decisions of our past and what we do with the present.. This fact leads me to ponder the question; what if I didn't take the chance, make the decision or put forth the effort in the past that would lead me to a future with "the one"?

I try not to dwell on the past as it may seem that thats exactly what I'm doing right now, however I would call it reflecting on the past and mistakes that I've made in my life. We've all made mistakes, nobodys life has been perfect and flawless in the decisions they've made and choices they now live with. All a person can do is move on and make the best out of any situation and hope for the best as they move forth in this journey we call life. Would it be too much to ask for a little companionship along the way?

Such are the thoughts of a man dreading the worst while seeking the light at the end of his long and lonely tunnel.
 
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EccentricAmbiguity is online now EccentricAmbiguity Post #2  January 25,2012, 3:19pm
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A lot of people might suggest "first get past your depression, than look for someone" and to a certain extent I would agree. You won't suddenly be "ok" once you find a girlfriend. With that said, you do need people, a social network, a community. Loneliness is depression's favorite food. A girl isn't going to fix this. Taking action, seeing a therapist, joining a group, being around others...that will help ensure that a girl compliments you but isn't required for your happiness. Its actually pretty amazing how good things start happening once we've worked on ourselves.
 
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Lucid is offline Lucid Post #3  January 25,2012, 4:00pm
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... is feeling 8 shades of grey on this gloomy, gloomy day.

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Wise words EA and I will agree, though the darkness only seems to creep in as I am left in soliary. My job, my family and my friends are all active parts in my daily routines. I am ambitious in life and a fairly energetic and happy person, that is until the house becomes loud with silence and I am left alone to my thoughts and feelings that try to drag me under to which my usual escape is sleep. Even then I'm left vulnerable to the unrelenting subconsciousness of my dreams (seen the faceless woman twice since the first night) as my body rests protected from feelings until I wake. Like I mensioned, haunting. Unfortunatly finding sleep isn't that easy without exhausting myself, due to this as I find I have to embrace the faceless woman (loneliness) as I lie there waiting for sleep to take hold of me.
 
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Reverse_Dragon is offline Reverse_Dragon Post #4  January 25,2012, 8:09pm
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Depression is healthy in small doses.

Classical thought teaches of the four doors of the mind, used to escape from pain.

The first is sleep, which allows a sense of seperation and distance to accrue around our hurt. Behind this door are dreams, which are our mind's way of moving painful memories and thoughts from short term to long term memory.

The second is forgetfulness. Some wounds are too deep to heal. I don't speak of forgetfulness in absolute terms. You will not forget that the wound occured, but through disuse the memory can fade until it brings only a dull shadow of the hurt it once held. The saying time heals all wounds is untrue. Time heals most wounds, the rest escape through this door.

The third door is madness. Sometimes a hurt is so painful the mind shatters under the brunt of the assault, drifting in tatters until it can be reassembled into a more self-aware and resilient configuration.

The final door is death, beyond which nothing can hurt us.

A bout of situational depression is your mind making use of the first three doors. I know it sometimes seems you are striding through the third door so often your feet must be wearing a rut in the threshold, but this too shall pass.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #5  January 26,2012, 2:14am
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The loneliness and longing you describe can be very painful, particularly after some disappointments and losses. Heartache can be an unwelcome visitor in someones life at any time.

This is not the same as depression. Sometimes there are no pills or talk therapists for the human condition, which at times can be extremely painful.

Keep trying to date, despite some of it's disappointments...you will find this void you are describing....because of the longing.....Good Luck
 
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Lucid is offline Lucid Post #6  January 26,2012, 6:28am
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... is feeling 8 shades of grey on this gloomy, gloomy day.

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Thanks guys. RD thats some deep philosopher stuff right there man, wow. I'm all to familliar with those first 3 doors, however I don't think I'm currently using any other than the first at the moment.

Again last night she visited me in my dreams, no face, just me and her walking hand in hand walking through the park on a clear day, no one else was around. The dream was relatively short and after I woke from it I was scared to go back to sleep, yet I welcomed sleep to escape the emptiness of the bed that now suddenly seemed all to big. I moved to the couch for the rest of the night and was left to peaceful dreams for the rest of the night. I'm going to try to sleep on the couch again tonight and see what happens.

I don't know if I would describe this as a "pain", it doesn't hurt at all. What I feel is more of a fear of pain that I'm sure will come should I not be able to keep my head above the depths of this loneliness.

Last night I did notice that I did something though. I was fine as I finished watching a movie alone and then went outside for a smoke before heading to bed. All was good until I laid down.. As soon as I was in bed, almost immediately I found my arm clutching to my pillow and I said in a shallow whisper "Who are you?" as I gripped my pillow tighter. Now this might have been normal, but I feel I'm slipping as I did this unconsciously and caught myself after I said it. It's really starting to scare me now.

But its time to put a smile on and get to work so I'll talk to you guys later, I look forward to hearing your thoughts when I get back.
Thanks again guys.
 
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sseiderm is offline sseiderm Post #7  January 26,2012, 11:10am
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I clicked on your profile and noticed it said for your relationship status, "In a relationship." According to your post here, you claim to be single. Confusion much? Just curious...
 
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Lucid is offline Lucid Post #8  January 26,2012, 5:40pm
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... is feeling 8 shades of grey on this gloomy, gloomy day.

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sseiderm wrote :
I clicked on your profile and noticed it said for your relationship status, "In a relationship." According to your post here, you claim to be single. Confusion much? Just curious...
Never edited the profile. Still single.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  January 27,2012, 11:11am
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"Do you ever lay in bed at night and find yourself looking next to you wondering who that beautiful person is that isn't there? The person that should be there, the one that you will eventually meet and spend the rest of your life with. Who are they? What their name is? Where they are now, what they're doing and why haven't you found eachother yet?"

No. Allowing yourself to carry on with this train of thought is a quick trip to self induced depression. Being depressed and desperate is a guaranteed way to scare off good matches and make really wrong dating choices which will just lead to more self induced depression and despair and feelings of failure.

Instead of indulging this train of thought, shoo it away. Distract your mind, turn on the tv, meditate, go jog around the block, call up your friend and go grab a beer. In short, do whatever happens to be handy at the moment to stop that train wreck from leaving the station.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #10  January 27,2012, 11:38am
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It's one thing to have these type of thoughts once in a blue moon....Having a 15 minute pity party once every 6 months or so is perfectly normal if going through a rough patch.

The best way to get out of this is by helping others...taking your mind of yourself. I happen to suggest volunteering a lot as this does many things. Not only does it help an organization that you care for in your community, but it truly does help you get out of the "woe unto me" attitude and break that spell.

I also agree that you can spend time with friends or family, go out and do something active....both exercise as well as laughter release a lot of those great endorphins

One other thing I suggest is that you not get so emotionally involved so quickly next time around. It's one thing to be excited about meeting someone new, but this last woman you seemed to be head over heels about this before you all even were intimate....You were missing the red flags that she kept wanting to "take things slow".....as mentioned....99% of the time when someone is saying this to you....they are trying to tell you that you are coming on way too strong and they do not feel the same way you do. That they are not sure of any romantic feelings.

Take dating one day at a time....optimism and enjoying yourself is great...but realize that the early stages of dating are just that....figuring out whether someone is a match or not...and just because you are feeling all this chemistry and such...really "hear" what the other person is saying as well as watching their actions.

Keeping your feet on the ground and keeping the woman off a pedestal can help from crashing and burning.

So...hopefully you are shaken this mood and have a great weekend planned doing something fun with family or friends...or even by yourself...Don't be afraid to be alone...it doesn't have to be lonely..
 
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