Lost in darkness, looking for the light.


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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #11  January 27,2012, 2:45pm
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What I hear coming through in your post is so much expectation that a relationship or another person will fulfill you it is sure to be picked up by women you date and scare them away. I would feel like you were making me responsible for your happiness, this is an unfair burden to saddle on another person.

I also hear some idealization that doesn't seem realistic. I am in a wonderful relationship, but fate could intervene tomorrow and change all of that. This could happen to anyone in a relationship. Then I would be in your shoes too. I would of course be sad and need time to recover but I would not lead a joyless life in the absence of a relationship, I'd refuse to.

I urge you to find joy in every way you can with the things and people you have in your life now and enjoy. What if you never find this SO? Would you surrender all the joy of living if you knew you'd never find her? Choose to be happy with what you have, make the most of it, or find ways to enhance it that are within your control. This is what will attract that special someone.
 
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Lucid is offline Lucid Post #12  January 27,2012, 4:04pm
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... is feeling 8 shades of grey on this gloomy, gloomy day.

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okay, after reading each of your posts carefully I have some to the conclusoin that you all need to re-read my posts. I DO have a happy life, 2 great jobs that keep me plenty busy and good friends to spend what little social time I have these days. I just got off work now and decided to check this and my matches of the day before heading out for a game and drinks with the guys.

The ONLY time I get in this state is when my head hits the pillow, throught the night should I wake up (usually do) and thats about it. The biggest thing is that once this thought / feeling overcomes me it takes me hours to fall asleep leaving me seemingly merciless to its will. Again last night she appeared in my dreams, for the first time it was somewhat sexual, all other dreams have been day to day activities that one would spend doing with their s/o.

I don't have time during my day to have these thoughts cross my mind. Between running security at a casino and working in a metal fab / welding shop, my head stays quite busy.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #13  January 27,2012, 4:42pm
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Naps are one of life's great joys:)

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Lucid wrote :
okay, after reading each of your posts carefully I have some to the conclusoin that you all need to re-read my posts. I DO have a happy life, 2 great jobs that keep me plenty busy and good friends to spend what little social time I have these days. I just got off work now and decided to check this and my matches of the day before heading out for a game and drinks with the guys.

The ONLY time I get in this state is when my head hits the pillow, throught the night should I wake up (usually do) and thats about it. The biggest thing is that once this thought / feeling overcomes me it takes me hours to fall asleep leaving me seemingly merciless to its will. Again last night she appeared in my dreams, for the first time it was somewhat sexual, all other dreams have been day to day activities that one would spend doing with their s/o.

I don't have time during my day to have these thoughts cross my mind. Between running security at a casino and working in a metal fab / welding shop, my head stays quite busy.
We've read your posts...and this is how we have answered...You may not like it or agree with it and that's ok...But this is how you are coming across to many of us. That's not a coincidence...

In between this thread...your 'poem'...your avatar...and other posts...you seemed to take a huge spiral down after a very short term dating situation didn't end up the way you thought it would...

That is why I am trying to encourage you to not get so emotionally involved so quickly...Especially when the other person isn't feeling the romantic interest in you...It seemed to 'you' to come out of nowhere when many of us could see the red flags..

One extra thought which you probably don't care...but smoking is going to limit a lot of matches. This is a deal breaker for many.

So...one of your questions was do many of us feel the way you do and have these obsessive type dreams or thoughts about having a partner...and the answer is...nope...
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #14  January 27,2012, 5:19pm
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Lucid wrote :
Do you ever lay in bed at night and find yourself looking next to you wondering who that beautiful person is that isn't there?
Nope. I'm thinking... ahh... finally my comfy bed! It feels nice to lay here. I try to compose texts to a couple friends I've forgotten before I go Zzzz!

wrote :
The person that should be there, the one that you will eventually meet and spend the rest of your life with. Who are they? What their name is? Where they are now, what they're doing and why haven't you found eachother yet?

Nope. My life is satisfying. My partner doesn't make or break it. If she left me tomorrow I would be totally fine, maybe after one night to cry!

wrote :
It can be quite overcoming in a sense that loneliness is taking over.

No partner != lonely. Get some friends. I know, that's easier said than done, but you can join local clubs or groups. You could also find a personal hobby that gives you satisfaction. If you don't have one, maybe you need to explore and try some out. Sports are always nice since they combine exercise and getting stronger with having fun with other potential friends.

wrote :
I've loved and lost

Lucid, your previous partner treated you terribly. They didn't love you. Someone who loves you doesn't treat you that way. You can love without a partner. Find a charity.

wrote :
Some would call it desperation

Yeppers! Getting counseling can help you get over your ex and find yourself. Group therapy is cheaper than one-on-one if you're on a budget.

wrote :
I do not rely on others to make myself happy, I can do that on my own. I mean really, whats the point if you never really feel complete?
wrote :

You don't sound happy. You do rely on others for your happiness. Ergo, you're not good relationship material until you fix yourself.

wrote :
Such are the thoughts of a man dreading the worst while seeking the light at the end of his long and lonely tunnel.
Get some counseling. Join some sports, charities, or other social groups. Cheers, mate.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #15  January 27,2012, 7:16pm
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Lucid wrote :
okay, after reading each of your posts carefully I have some to the conclusoin that you all need to re-read my posts. I DO have a happy life, 2 great jobs that keep me plenty busy and good friends to spend what little social time I have these days. I just got off work now and decided to check this and my matches of the day before heading out for a game and drinks with the guys.

The ONLY time I get in this state is when my head hits the pillow, throught the night should I wake up (usually do) and thats about it. The biggest thing is that once this thought / feeling overcomes me it takes me hours to fall asleep leaving me seemingly merciless to its will. Again last night she appeared in my dreams, for the first time it was somewhat sexual, all other dreams have been day to day activities that one would spend doing with their s/o.

I don't have time during my day to have these thoughts cross my mind. Between running security at a casino and working in a metal fab / welding shop, my head stays quite busy.

Busy is not necessarily joyful, sometimes it is just filling time, but not ina way that is meaningful to you.

The dream state, can be an expression of an inner unfulfilled need. Could it be that you are assuming this need would be met with a relationship, when there are alternatives within your control to bring more joy into your day to day life?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #16  January 28,2012, 7:02am
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Lucid,

I'll chime in here...I hope it helps a bit. I'm sensing you feel a bit misunderstood - but that's okay. No one is really going to know what your experience is except you.

I think we all go through those places from time to time. Thing is, for most of us, it's a hallway we pass through from one point to another. You seem (from your words and the tone) to have built a room and furnished it. That's not a good idea.

I doesn't seem like it would be, but it's a long, long way from "I'm happy except for..." to simply "I'm happy."

That twilight time between the pillow and the dream is a hard time, no doubt, particularly if something seems askew in your life. It's when my little monkey voices chatter to me about all my failures and missed opportunities and ginormous mistakes in judgment. It's when anything at all that doesn't seem like it's working well in my life comes to roost on my pillow and crow at me.

Sometimes I listen, because sometimes there's something to be learned there. An epiphany. A spark that leaps from seemingly unconnected pieces and creates a clear vision of something previously missed or misunderstood.

Other times, it's just non-productive mind noise or, worse, those self-recriminating thoughts and made-up thoughts that are just as distorted as any of the daydreams I occasionally indulge in during the daylight hours.

Our minds are not always our friend...and neither are our emotions. It's the balance between the two and reaching a kind of observational distance where we can see them for what they are...rational, useful, productive, fulfilling...or not.

So, there are some thoughts for you...as for what I do...well, sometimes I have to work to get at that observational distance with meditation or journaling. Sometimes I distract myself. I have sleep CDs that I use when the occasional bout of insomnia visits. You might try those (and I'm happy to share the names of the ones I use if you'd like). I count, and I make myself start over every time a thought intrudes. Often I don't get past 4, but that's okay. Sometimes, I have to simply exorcise my little monkey demons with loud music and dancing till I'm too exhausted to think (one of the advantages of living alone) or reading until I literally fall asleep in the middle of a page.

And on the thought of this mystery dream woman and your longing for her - I agree with LDJ. You're still at a point where you're idealizing companionship and this puts you in the very vulnerable position of making choices for the wrong reasons and expecting too much from someone else.

There's a saying. If you want love, be love. Not the romantic kind you're searching for, but genuine love in a more universal sense. Be loving and mindful of your family, your friends, the people you come across every day, pets, volunteer opportunities. Look for ways to express love (in that wonderful Greek sense of agape). It will satisfy some of that longing and it will make you more balanced in your approach. It seems like you do a bit of that already, but I wonder if you could do it more consciously. Listen to their stories, not in the mind to fix or advice and not for any thought of gain, but just because.

There's also a bit of wisdom I think of now and then that I heard from a mountain-biking enthusiast. If you focus on the obstacle, you'll hit it every time, again and again. If you focus on the trail where you want to be, the obstacle just becomes something you ride through.

Here's one more thing to think about. When I want something...when I'm really pushing and striving for something, I try to ask myself "Do I want this because it's the right thing to want and for the right reasons - or do I want it just because I want the benefit (or status, or whatever) that comes from it?" The first will seldom disappoint you. The second...much more often.

Good luck. I hope this place becomes just a place you're passing through and not a dwelling place.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; January 28,2012 at 7:08am.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #17  January 29,2012, 6:33am
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Before you use a meditation CD, make sure you know what's on it. I found a soothing one that could knock me out in five minutes. Of course, it continued to play until the end. Years later I realized that my recurring dream about a forest had been triggered by the suggestion that I picture myself as a tree, communicating with all the other trees on the planet, etc.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #18  January 29,2012, 9:06am
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harnomygirl wrote :
Before you use a meditation CD, make sure you know what's on it. I found a soothing one that could knock me out in five minutes. Of course, it continued to play until the end. Years later I realized that my recurring dream about a forest had been triggered by the suggestion that I picture myself as a tree, communicating with all the other trees on the planet, etc.
LOL...my sleep CDs are just sounds, with subliminal cues that are supposed to train your brainwaves to delta sleep.

But I do think it would be cool to be a tree communicating with all the other trees. Just think what you'd learn.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #19  January 29,2012, 9:09am
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Naps are one of life's great joys:)

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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
LOL...my sleep CDs are just sounds, with subliminal cues that are supposed to train your brainwaves to delta sleep.

But I do think it would be cool to be a tree communicating with all the other trees. Just think what you'd learn.
I think they would be saying, "I heard you fall!!!"
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #20  January 30,2012, 12:04pm
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Ingytravel wrote :
I think they would be saying, "I heard you fall!!!"
Ha! Love it.
 
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