Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  January 15,2012, 12:08pm
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Let us say you're in a relationship (not romantic) where things have devolved into hostility. Everything they say is irritating; everything you do sets them off.

How to effect a Reset? Assuming it's not the type of relationship where you would lead with "we need to talk"?

I am in such a relationship with my next-door neighbor. I want a disarmament after 6 years of hostility. Here are our last 4 interactions, over the last month:

1. His dogs get into my backyard. I knock on his door. He won't answer. I go in the backyard to call over the fence. One of his dogs nips me (no harm done). I call over the fence. No answer. A few minutes later I see him in his front yard. I go out front, where his dogs have gone under my gate and chased a workman down my driveway, then gone back in my yard. He sees me and comes over. His dogs come out. We chat, I am friendly. I do not mention the dog bite. He says he has 2 new puppies and perhaps I'd like to buy them. I say no thanks. End.

A step towards Detente, right?

2. I am having a new roof put on my house. While I am away for a few days, he brings a photo of a nail and a bill for $715 and tells my friend who's taking care of my animals a nail from my house popped his tire and he had to buy 2 new ones, and I have to pay. The roofer says the nail didn't come from my house; wrong type, wrong color. When I return, I do not approach him, and he does not approach me. End.

A step backwards.

3. I buy a small orchid plant and put it on his front porch with a note saying "thought you might like this ... happy new year". I see the plant is gone the next day, so he found it. End.

Detente?

4. The next day, the building inspector comes to my house ... "got a complaint you're doing construction with no permit". Not true. No permit needed for new roof; and I have the paperwork you do need. No harm done. End.

A step backwards.

What now? It's my "turn".
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  January 15,2012, 12:37pm
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I can't help you. I generally ignore my neighbor who feeds the raccoons (destructive pests) that have done damage to my property and occasionally terrorize me at night. I say hi and am friendly in the driveway. I trap and remove the raccoons in my yard. I wouldn't hesitate to kill one of the beasties if I could without risking damage to myself.

I told him upfront several years ago that what he was doing constituted a neighborhood nuisance and that, since the city won't deal with it, I will. When they cross into my yard, they are fair game. I also told him they'd done several hundreds of dollars damage to my roof. His response was too stupid to print.

I don't feel the need to treat him with hostility. That does no good at all other than to continue my upset. So I just go about my business and deal with the issues that his irresponsibility creates.

Chances are slim that you will be able to effect a cease-fire. Your neighbor (like mine) doesn't seem inclined to have regard for anyone's consideration except his own. In addition, your neighbor (unlike mine) seems to enjoy actively finding hostilities to engage in. He also seems to be a bit of a bully (mine isn't, thankfully - or at least seems to have better sense than to bully me...I'm not so sure about the women who live with him).

I would stop making efforts to appease him (flowers). I would continue to make sure that all my items were within legal boundaries (and ignore his attempts to harrass you because of them). I would definitely escalate in the event of the dogs by making clear to him that if they continue to invade your space or threaten you (the bite is a threat - you have no way of knowing for sure that he properly vaccinates them) you will reluctantly be forced to allow the authorities to deal with it. Then follow through. Don't attempt to contact him when they get in your yard. Call the authorities and let them deal with him (and the dogs).

Bullies don't respond to cease-fires, detentes, and niceness. They are generally unhappy, fear-filled people who are only capable of respecting those who stand up to them.

Wish I had more peaceful advice for you - but I'm not sure there's a reset button for this.

One thing I might add is if your neighborhood is a close one, others who live in the area might have some insights to share.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; January 15,2012 at 3:10pm.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #3  January 15,2012, 12:44pm
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Totally disengage if possible, since he is a frenemy neighbor, not a friendly neighbor. Trying to be "nice" will be an exercise in futility, since he needs something /someone to complain about.

Always be busy, just wave, keep going no chit-chat. He will find some other neighbor, family or friend to get into it with........

Good fences make good neighbors.........Good Luck
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  January 15,2012, 12:51pm
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Have him killed.




j/k..
like LBMM said the guy is a jerk and nothing you do or say is going to change that.
All you can do is keep your head on a swivel....or move.
I love dogs but would never put up with one digging into my yard, destroying my property, etc.
I'd get evidence with pics or the like and present it to the police and file a report and go from there.
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #5  January 15,2012, 1:11pm
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What a nightmare! Agree with everything LBMM said. Some people are just not nice, and spend their lives looking for ways to irritate and anger others. Orchids and nice notes to placate him will do you no good. He's not interested in a detente. He wants to push your buttons and see you seethe.

Personally, I would just ignore him and have no contact. His dogs have bitten you, and they've chased workmen on your property. I hope you're up-to-date on your tetanus vaccination and were able to confirm that his dogs are current on their shots. At this point, if they turned up in my yard again, I would contact Animal Control.

I guess I should be grateful for my neighbors! I've forgotten that people can be difficult, cantankerous...and noisy. Thankfully, mine are none of these. Just nosy about my personal life...as neighbors who are married with kids tend to be.

Best of luck getting some peace!
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #6  January 15,2012, 2:42pm
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I'd cut off contact. There's really nothing to gain by interacting with your neighbor.

The bad part is you're in a very bad position because pretty much anything you do is going to be seen as escalation. If the dogs were to get into your yard and you were to call animal control, that's something that probably won't end well, even though you're more than within your rights to do so.

In the meantime, document everything, just in case.

The more you can ignore this guy, the better off you're going to be.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  January 15,2012, 2:50pm
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Well, Fat Man and Little Boy were one methed for ending hostilities, but might be overly complicated in this case.

***

I'm not a fan of incremental back and forth, since you never know how far or how fast a (mentally unstable) person will escalate. That's the scary part.

Path one, move. It sounds costly, but sensing a neighborhood is beneath your class is already a sign it is time. Leave the losers to stew in their own stink and declining property values (keeping them poor.) Hey, you won't be the first to contribute to McMansions and suburban sprawl.

Path two, document. Photos, videos and notes are the best thing your attorney can bring to the table. (And I agree with the post of checking other neighbors.)

I don't know you have any claim against being bitten once you trespass. If I was on a jury, I'd accept someone killing a vicious animal on their property, or killing a nuisance animal in the neighborhood - though your "peers" may not be so inclined - but I'd reject a claim for damages on someone else's property.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #8  January 15,2012, 2:58pm
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Taking this backwards--

Sassafras54 wrote :
4. The next day, the building inspector comes to my house ... "got a complaint you're doing construction with no permit". Not true. No permit needed for new roof; and I have the paperwork you do need. No harm done. End.
No action to take. A false allegation, easily cleared up.

wrote :
3. I buy a small orchid plant and put it on his front porch with a note saying "thought you might like this ... happy new year". I see the plant is gone the next day, so he found it. End.
No action to take. Strange.. I wouldn't have rewarded his behavior.

wrote :
. I am having a new roof put on my house. While I am away for a few days, he brings a photo of a nail and a bill for $715 and tells my friend who's taking care of my animals a nail from my house popped his tire and he had to buy 2 new ones, and I have to pay. The roofer says the nail didn't come from my house; wrong type, wrong color. When I return, I do not approach him, and he does not approach me. End.
No action to take, assuming he did not trespass on your property. A false allegation, easily cleared up.

wrote :
1. His dogs get into my backyard. I knock on his door. He won't answer. I go in the backyard to call over the fence. One of his dogs nips me (no harm done).
My Dad has a good saying. Good fences make good neighbors. When one of my neighbors began a one-sided feud, he had a surveyor set the line between the properties and then built a good fence there. After the neighbor's initial upset over the fence where the feuder lost an extra 4ft of property, the feud ended. Feuders get bored when you refuse to play.

I would cease the gifts and acting super-friendly bit. When it's absolutely necessary to talk, just stand your ground without any hostility.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; January 15,2012 at 3:04pm.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #9  January 16,2012, 6:59am
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I favour the move option. I've sold and moved a few times when the neighboorhood has declined and left the losers behind.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #10  January 16,2012, 7:32am
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I don't really agree with the move option. One bad neighbor doesn't make the neighborhood declining in value or indicate that it is borderline ghetto. I live in a fairly upscale, albeit older neighborhood. My neighbor is simply an anomoly. My property value, for square footage and age of home, has not declined as much even in the current market as others. In addition, the market isn't currently favorable to sellers and I'd certainly not be forced into it by one bad apple.

Adding a new roof is an extensive (and expensive) renovation. If the neighborhood is generally good value and the neighbor simply unpleasant as this one is, I'd wait until the market improved even if I was considering selling. The combination of market factors being against sellers at the moment and the addition of improvements would make me inclined to sit tight and recoup my investment.

Besides, there's no way to vet neighbors in a new neighborhood and upscale doesn't necessarily guarantee you won't have an even worse neighbor in a better neighborhood.

I'd hang tight. Limit and control the contact. Set clear boundaries and ignore obnoxious tactics such as the bill for tires. A claim like that would never stand up in small claims court and short of that, there's no way he can force you to pay. He's just hoping you're *nice* enough to do it because of his guilt tactics and obnoxiousness.
 
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