Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #21  January 9,2012, 6:30am
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Part of being compatible is being able to tell how your partner is feeling, and what you need to do.
 
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LongLocks is offline LongLocks Post #22  January 9,2012, 6:36am
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Because I shouldn't have to tell him. He should know.
 
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Lucid is offline Lucid Post #23  January 9,2012, 7:48am
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LBMM I do agree with you that men can be like this too, it happens about as often as women admit they're wrong. lol

In your alternate Him / Me, atleast the male and female were communicating. In the Her / Me post prior to yours the female was locked right down and gave up nothing. Now certainly it doesn't always happen like this and I never meant to imply that it does. My question in the OP was more of a Why do women shut down and lock men out of their minds when they should be communicating, especially when they are expecting us to know what they are thinking / feeling? The Alpha male in my mind is alot less likely to pick up on the sensitivity of a situation and you can scream "bad match" all you want, but just because a male and a female love each other doesn't mean that they are perfectly in-tune and balanced in their emotional levels. This difference can make things difficult to read in each other.
 
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Lucid is offline Lucid Post #24  January 9,2012, 7:50am
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LongLocks wrote :
Because I shouldn't have to tell him. He should know.
Sorry Longlocks, Cavemen can't read minds. Alot of us are still stuck in Century 1.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #25  January 9,2012, 8:00am
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Lucid wrote :
LBMM I do agree with you that men can be like this too, it happens about as often as women admit they're wrong. lol

In your alternate Him / Me, atleast the male and female were communicating. In the Her / Me post prior to yours the female was locked right down and gave up nothing. Now certainly it doesn't always happen like this and I never meant to imply that it does. My question in the OP was more of a Why do women shut down and lock men out of their minds when they should be communicating, especially when they are expecting us to know what they are thinking / feeling? The Alpha male in my mind is alot less likely to pick up on the sensitivity of a situation and you can scream "bad match" all you want, but just because a male and a female love each other doesn't mean that they are perfectly in-tune and balanced in their emotional levels. This difference can make things difficult to read in each other.
I do not expect anyone to read my mind. I do expect when I express it that the other party will listen, refrain from defensiveness and namecalling, and work to reach some mutual understanding. My example didn't demonstrate communication. It demonstrated the male verson of "nothing."
 
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psgcooldog is online now psgcooldog Post #26  January 9,2012, 8:11am
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
I do not expect anyone to read my mind. I do expect when I express it that the other party will listen, refrain from defensiveness and namecalling, and work to reach some mutual understanding. My example didn't demonstrate communication. It demonstrated the male verson of "nothing."
Which belongs in that *other* thread!

Let's keep on topic, folks!
 
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Lucid is offline Lucid Post #27  January 9,2012, 8:17am
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LBMM

As much as that might be the "male version of nothing" in this context of not sharing our feelings when asked is one thing. A question was posed by the female; the male didn't reply, or replied poorly; but the male wasn't expectant of the female to know what he wanted. The majority of the time if a guy (myself included) wants / needs you to know something, he'll let you know. Now I'm not trying to say that a woman always shuts down, but it's damn annoying when they do, yet they still expect their man to know whats goin on with the wheels in their head. Neuroticism and the lack of communication combined in a relationship (either on the males / females /or both ends) are a surefire recipe for disaster.

Neurotic: A person who is afflicted with a neurosis or who tends to be emotionally unstable or unusually anxious.

Communication: The act or an instance of communicating; the imparting or exchange of information, ideas, or feelings.
 
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Lucid is offline Lucid Post #28  January 9,2012, 8:19am
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psgcooldog wrote :
Which belongs in that *other* thread!

Let's keep on topic, folks!
Naw, she's keeping on topic. I posted something and it's fair for her to be able to retort. Motion to remove post denied.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #29  January 9,2012, 9:06am
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Lucid wrote :
LBMM

As much as that might be the "male version of nothing" in this context of not sharing our feelings when asked is one thing. A question was posed by the female; the male didn't reply, or replied poorly; but the male wasn't expectant of the female to know what he wanted. The majority of the time if a guy (myself included) wants / needs you to know something, he'll let you know. Now I'm not trying to say that a woman always shuts down, but it's damn annoying when they do, yet they still expect their man to know whats goin on with the wheels in their head. Neuroticism and the lack of communication combined in a relationship (either on the males / females /or both ends) are a surefire recipe for disaster.

Neurotic: A person who is afflicted with a neurosis or who tends to be emotionally unstable or unusually anxious.

Communication: The act or an instance of communicating; the imparting or exchange of information, ideas, or feelings.

Solution: Don't date women who do this. Just as I don't date men whose idea of communication is namecalling and invalidating what they've just asked me to provide.

These are not gender issues. Either this thread or the other. I agree that a number of women are conditioned to be passive in their anger, and "nothing" is an expression of that anger. So are men - just about different topics and in different ways. A women will answer "nothing" when you ask her what's wrong and she's upset with you about something you did or didn't do. A man will simply stonewall around any issue he doesn't want to address, for whatever reason.

Passive anger is about two things: Control and fear - control is just an outward manifestation of fear. Control so that they can get their point across and still be the good guy (I didn't start it - you started it...I'm not hiding anything - I just didn't tell you). The fear on the female side is usually that most women are still socially conditioned to "be nice" and are rewarded for being "sweet" and the predominant fear I've heard on the male side for stonewalling is a fear of engulfment or loss of automony.

Fortunately, I got over both "nice" and "sweet" long ago.

As to your bolded...this is indeed caveman thinking. Women are no longer on a need-to-know basis in the world. I can forward you a copy of that memo, if you'd like.

And we agree. The inability to communicate effectively is a major obstacle in any relationship - but more so in an intimate relationship where so much more is at stake - and it's infuriating when someone won't express what the issue is so I can address it. I used to have a woman friend who did this...for months at a time I'd get not-so-subtle expressions of passive anger before she'd tell me what I'd done to slight her. Notice the past tense in that sentence.

And while I have known women who practice that "I shouldn't have to say it - he should just know!!!" mentality, I've also known men who put up with it.

I'm bowing out now, gentlemen. Have fun.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; January 9,2012 at 9:11am. Reason: Because I'm in a work mood this morning - not so much a fun, b.s. mood. ;^)
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #30  January 9,2012, 2:43pm
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Stonewalling is not gender specific by any stretch of imagination.
@psgcooldog - unless you are dating men, you really can't state with any authority that men don't do this as a general rule. In fact, I would bet that if I talked to your ex's they'd easily point out any number of occasions where you've done it yourself without even realizing it.

I think that often times when we are in a relationship, on some level we simply expect more from our partner than is reasonable. We truly do expect them to read our minds because of the deeper connection we may feel, because they are supposed to be close to us and therefore understand us better than anyone else, because they should know us well enough to know that X is a problem and we shouldn't have to spell it out. Unfortunately that belief is irrational and not always a conscious one and bites us in the rear end more often than not and that goes equally for both genders.
 
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