Dating/Dinner with Food Allergies


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Kate37 is offline Kate37 Post #1  December 16,2011, 4:20pm
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I'm getting back in the game after being absent for about a year, but in that time I've found out I have a serious food allergy (gluten). It's serious enough that I get sick for 2-3 days from even skin contact (I'd be scared at this point to see what happens if I actually ate anything with it, but wouldn't be surprised if an ER visit would be necessary.) so I need to be very careful about things. It has literally turned my life around in more ways that I can list here, so to say that it has improved my life is an understatement, but it does present a problem with regard to dinner dates, as it drastically limits the places that I can go to and actually participate in a meal without having to just sit & watch someone else eat and feel awkward the whole night.

Meeting at Starbucks is fine because I can just opt out when necessary, but for an actual meal it isn't that easy. I'm curious if anyone has the same issue. There are literally only a few restaurants that I have been to & would rely on being "safe" without risking serious allergic reactions. I don't want to go into my full medical history before date one or two (or even over the phone trying to arrange date one or two), but I don't want to seem like I'm just a picky eater or trying to angle for a more expensive meal. Thoughts??

Any advice from someone who has landed on either side of this situation would be greatly appreciated!!!
 
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tink333 is online now tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  December 17,2011, 1:45am
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Kate37 wrote :
There are literally only a few restaurants that I have been to & would rely on being "safe" without risking serious allergic reactions. I don't want to go into my full medical history before date one or two (or even over the phone trying to arrange date one or two), but I don't want to seem like I'm just a picky eater or trying to angle for a more expensive meal. Thoughts??
First of all, you don't have to go into your full medical history early on, you just have to say you have a very strong allergy to gluten. The guy will either want to meet at a restaurant where you are comfortable, or he won't. Frankly, if a guy didn't understand the medical need vs. just being picky, I wouldn't want to waste my time.

I have a life-threatening allergy to tree nuts and some seeds, and never have I had a problem with guys not understanding that I need to make sure when we eat in a restaurant where I either am certain the menu doesn't contain nuts or where the chef is willing to accommodate the situation.


Not to get off topic, but in case you weren't aware, a wheat allergy is different than gluten allergy because it includes reacting to more than one protein fractions of wheat, including albumin, globulin, gliadin and glutenin (gluten). What you describe sounds much more like a wheat allergy instead of a gluten allergy as even inhaling or touching wheat flour can bring on rash, hives or more severe reaction.

Either with gluten allergy (or coeliac disease) vs. wheat allergy, there are many, many foods you can eat without having to worry about contamination. Your best bet is stick to un-processed foods as much as possible to avoid the possibility of hidden gluten exposure, but you already know that.

In my opinion if a guy isn't willing to understand a life-threatening allergy (and again, you don't have to go into your entire medical history), he's not worth wasting your time.
Last edited by tink333; December 18,2011 at 7:51pm. Reason: typo
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #3  December 17,2011, 2:19am
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The more adjusted / informed you are...the more seamless you can make it. I would advice against going on and on about medical issues, since ultimately it is your responsibility to be comfortable with it....And the more comfortable you are with it the more comfortable anyone around you will be with it.
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Kate37 wrote :
I'm getting back in the game after being absent for about a year, but in that time I've found out I have a serious food allergy (gluten).
There are literally only a few restaurants that I have been to & would rely on being "safe" without risking serious allergic reactions.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #4  December 17,2011, 5:00am
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There are a growing number of restaurants now (including many inexpensive ones) that have gluten-free menus, and where the staff are trained to prepare food to keep it gluten free. If you have not done so already, I suggest that you connect with the gluten-free/celiac community in your area to learn what restaurants are "trustworthy" in this regard (just a quick bit of searching shows me that there are lots of resources for celiacs that cover the Milwaukee region). There are also resources such as the restaurant guide that TriumphDining puts out that may be helpful to you (they also have a nice set of cuisine-based cards that explain food preparation needs for celiacs).

Anyway, the point is that, although you have some serious restrictions, they should not limit you excessively; there are still options available. Put together a list of restaurants that can cover a few early dates for you, and then go from there. If someone asks you to dinner, then take the lead and make a few suggestions from your list for places to go. If that doesn't work, then call the restaurant he has selected beforehand and speak with them (hopefully the chef) about your restrictions to determine what menu choices might be safe for you.

Once you meet someone and decide that you are actually interested in seeing more of him, you can explain your dietary restrictions, but you don't have to go into all of that before or during a first meeting.

I have a relative with the same issues, but she has still managed to date and have fun going out with friends without it being too much of an issue. Of course, there are some people who are not willing to accomodate the dietary needs of others (some of them are on these boards and are quite vocal about it, in fact), but those people are simply not a match for you. Luckily, though, there are also many people for whom this is not a big deal, and who will be happy to make modest adjustments in their own eating habits when dining together once they understand your restrictions.
 
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psgcooldog is online now psgcooldog Post #5  December 17,2011, 6:08am
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Kate, I think I'd much rather have my date simply explain "I've a wicked-strong gluten allergy, so I have to be careful."

Far worse, for me, is the feeling that something strange and inexplicable is going on behind the scenes.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  December 17,2011, 10:39am
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I disagree with the advice of simply stating you allergy, since I'd expect many people not to be familiar with it - at least, once you get beyond obvious words. (I have never heard of gluten.)

I agree with the advice to have some restaurant options ready ahead of time (which, really, any person should do regardless), but that doesn't do any good if you wait for the man to plan the meeting (which is what all the women I have met did, and most women using this service do.)

The idea of calling the restaurant is also good. Although that only covers a first meeting where the meeting place is the restaurant, that should at least get you enough time togetherin person that the "too much drama" risk of this disclosure is reduced.

***

I will typically suggest a first meeting be at a place I like and trust, for the quality of the meal and service, and the atmosphere being conducive for conversation.

I do not necessarily mind if my date wanted to propose someplace different, as long is it is in the same range as what I would have selected, in which case I would look into it and decide if it were agreeable.

From the magnitude of this - eliminating most restaurants - I think you're eliminating most partners, too, unfortunately.
 
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psgcooldog is online now psgcooldog Post #7  December 17,2011, 10:43am
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D_Lion wrote :
I disagree with the advice of simply stating you allergy, since I'd expect many people not to be familiar with it - at least, once you get beyond obvious words. (I have never heard of gluten.)

I agree with the advice to have some restaurant options ready ahead of time (which, really, any person should do regardless), but that doesn't do any good if you wait for the man to plan the meeting (which is what all the women I have met did, and most women using this service do.)

The idea of calling the restaurant is also good. Although that only covers a first meeting where the meeting place is the restaurant, that should at least get you enough time togetherin person that the "too much drama" risk of this disclosure is reduced.

***

I will typically suggest a first meeting be at a place I like and trust, for the quality of the meal and service, and the atmosphere being conducive for conversation.

I do not necessarily mind if my date wanted to propose someplace different, as long is it is in the same range as what I would have selected, in which case I would look into it and decide if it were agreeable.

From the magnitude of this - eliminating most restaurants - I think you're eliminating most partners, too, unfortunately.
D-L, if you liked what you saw online, and you weren't familiar with some particular allergy, would it *really* be too much trouble to find out, in this day and age???

Either you are inundated with choices, or just not sufficiently motivated.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  December 17,2011, 11:00am
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For me, it is moreso that the person with the problem needs to do the extra work to manage around it, not expect me to do it for them.

Also, although I could Google for it, that isn't really going to tell me anything about one specific person's limitations, or how they cope.

I think she should hope to make it past the first meeting prior to disclosure, and then give the disclosure only face-to-face - and with enough time to explain some of the key implications.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #9  December 17,2011, 11:13am
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It's in her own best interest to understand the limitations...She is dating......so if she has to go through this "education" process with each new date, that would be more wearing than........ as another poster suggested....... get familiar with restaurants that have these options or how to navigate a menu,or make other suggestions where this will not be an issue for her.
psgcooldog wrote :
D-L, if you liked what you saw online, and you weren't familiar with some particular allergy, would it *really* be too much trouble to find out, in this day and age???
Either you are inundated with choices, or just not sufficiently motivated.
 
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psgcooldog is online now psgcooldog Post #10  December 17,2011, 12:38pm
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Wiseman2 wrote :
It's in her own best interest to understand the limitations...She is dating......so if she has to go through this "education" process with each new date, that would be more wearing than........ as another poster suggested....... get familiar with restaurants that have these options or how to navigate a menu,or make other suggestions where this will not be an issue for her.
I'm not saying that she should make her dates responsible for finding her a safe dinner, just that if it were me, I'd really rather know what the issue was, rather than have to guess as to why she's got these strong preferences for particular restaurants.
 
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