AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  December 6,2011, 8:12pm
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Simply put. Do you take ownership of your part in a relationship? Or, do you find yourself placing blame on the other person for your actions?
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #2  December 7,2011, 4:10am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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Yeah ...good luck getting an honest answer on this one. In my experience, the majority of people - by far - react to taking responsiblity for and ownership of their own actions like it's a flesh-eating disease.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #3  December 7,2011, 5:59am
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BikerBeagle wrote :
Yeah ...good luck getting an honest answer on this one. In my experience, the majority of people - by far - react to taking responsiblity for and ownership of their own actions like it's a flesh-eating disease.
You also get the other extreme, people who don't think they're good enough for anybody and blame themselves for everything.

I try to avoid the blame game and just use the experience to recognize what my needs are and what is realistic. I also realize there are some common themes of things women want that I don't readily provide and helps to at least be aware of it.
 
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PictureImperfect is offline PictureImperfect Post #4  December 7,2011, 6:00am
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I do take responsibility for my own actions, or at least try to. I have certain insecurities in my LDR which are mostly my fault. He has some responsibility in that, because he's the one who does the things that prompt my reactions, but I take full responsibility for my resulting behavior.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #5  December 7,2011, 7:59am
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I think I am far better at this now then I was in my marriage.

Looking back, over the past 3-4 years, I see more and more mistakes I made and how I contributed. I was not open enough about my feelings and I let things slide/failed to correct/raise issues that ended up really being problems. I just closed down more and more. It bothers me and sometimes I wonder if a more grown up me could have made a difference. I was the one who left.

On the other hand, I read a book once that said in relationships you "get your own level"....you wouldn't stay with someone significantly less good at relationships nor would someone significantly more evolved stay with you. Thus, you both essentially are operating on the same level (also LCD).
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  December 7,2011, 8:24am
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AndieIsMe wrote :
Simply put. Do you take ownership of your part in a relationship? Or, do you find yourself placing blame on the other person for your actions?
i think i'm great at conflict resolution, but there are some cases where i dont care to resolve things. in that case its obviously not a "relationship" anymore.

quite frankly, some people are such jerks they arent worth the effort.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  December 7,2011, 10:05am
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KikiAZ wrote :
I think I am far better at this now then I was in my marriage.

Looking back, over the past 3-4 years, I see more and more mistakes I made and how I contributed. I was not open enough about my feelings and I let things slide/failed to correct/raise issues that ended up really being problems. I just closed down more and more. It bothers me and sometimes I wonder if a more grown up me could have made a difference. I was the one who left.

On the other hand, I read a book once that said in relationships you "get your own level"....you wouldn't stay with someone significantly less good at relationships nor would someone significantly more evolved stay with you. Thus, you both essentially are operating on the same level (also LCD).
How great is it that you can look back and see what' "mistakes" you made. I think about those things, too.

So, the girl who went through her boyfriend's phone. Does she blame it on him because he was acting suspicious or, does she take full responsibility for her actions and maybe realize (in hind sight) that doing that was wrong and talking to him would have been a better option.

The guy who slowly fades instead of making a clean break. Does he blame it on the girl he is trying to dump (without actually dumping) by claiming she is too smothering or has too much baggage. Or, does he own his actions and decide that actually saying something to her would have been best.

In both of the above examples I would hope that by looking back they would make changes to how they communicate or how they take action to own what they do in a relationship.


As for me, I know I've done things that were avoidance techniques rather than taking on the problem straight on. I'm trying to not do this anymore. So, the (next) guy who canceled our date because he was hungover won't be avoided, he will be told he was wrong (a jerk even) and that I don't want to date him anymore. This leaves less room for misunderstandings and will give a sense of finality to the situation.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #8  December 7,2011, 10:32am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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PictureImperfect wrote :
I do take responsibility for my own actions, or at least try to. I have certain insecurities in my LDR which are mostly my fault. He has some responsibility in that, because he's the one who does the things that prompt my reactions, but I take full responsibility for my resulting behavior.
Your honor ...the prosecution rests.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  December 7,2011, 10:39am
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AndieIsMe wrote :
The guy who slowly fades instead of making a clean break. Does he blame it on the girl he is trying to dump (without actually dumping) by claiming she is too smothering or has too much baggage. Or, does he own his actions and decide that actually saying something to her would have been best.

In both of the above examples I would hope that by looking back they would make changes to how they communicate or how they take action to own what they do in a relationship.


As for me, I know I've done things that were avoidance techniques rather than taking on the problem straight on. I'm trying to not do this anymore. So, the (next) guy who canceled our date because he was hungover won't be avoided, he will be told he was wrong (a jerk even) and that I don't want to date him anymore. This leaves less room for misunderstandings and will give a sense of finality to the situation.
based on some of the posts on here, i dont blame some guys for doing a "slow fade". i dont think this has anything to do with taking responsibility. some women wig out... some guys do it too.

if someone isnt going to be a part of my life its not a problem. i'm pretty sure that most of the time when people act like jerks, they know it. its not up to me to dialogue with them and let them know.... unless i am in a relationship of some kind with them. then i'll tell them, but i dont blast them with "youre a jerk". i like/love them, assume the best about them and communicate accordingly.

i had to do this recently with a guy friend of mine. i didnt accuse, i "reported". he's my friend. he apologized sincerely and profusely. its a relationship.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  December 7,2011, 11:24am
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But, then there are the guys (and girls) who think poofing after having sex is OK. Or, they talk about how they were exclusive but then their partner called them "too much" (or something to that effect) and then blame the other person rather than looking at their own actions as having a part in things. Maybe she called you twice on Sunday because you told her you would call but didn't. (so, now she's too smothering because she calls "all" the time) Maybe he poofed because she couldn't stop talking about her ex and how great he is and how upset she was (is) about it. (To her, he's a jerk because he didn't ask her on a second date.)

People react to situations. Yes. But, sometimes we have to look at what caused those actions. Was it external or something we could control?

My example has happened twice to me. Once with a boyfriend and the second time with a guy for a second date. The first guy I just avoided. I made sure my phone was busy and did my best to just not be available. I should have said something to him and made it a clean break. He deserved to hear from me my reason(s) for ending things rather be left wondering what was going on. The second guy, well whatever, that's a completely different situation, we weren't "dating" as much as getting to know each other. He's a jerk in my mind, but it wouldn't change things if I said anything to him.
 
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