My situation--Social Anxiety and Dating


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NoneMoreBlack is offline NoneMoreBlack Post #1  November 18,2011, 4:45pm
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Long story short, I'm a 26 year old guy who has social anxiety which has resulted in me spending a few years isolated from people my own age and not dating. I've been undergoing therapy in trying to improve this, and feel like I've definitely made great strides from where I was. I feel like I'm finally at a point where I can get out there and start dating, but I guess I still have a few hang ups--

I'm still quiet, especially with strangers. When I know and trust someone, I am very funny and engaging. However I am still very reserved with people I don't know. Women, it seems, tend to overlook (if not outright reject) quiet guys.

I have almost no dating experience, and feel as though that's something that women can just sense and is just a massive turn-off to them. I just imagine that women think that I would be a project (at best) or that I'm written off as creepy off the bat (at worst).

Also, due to my lack of experience, I am just oblivious when it comes to reading women and gauging their interest. I've been told by people that I am handsome, but I can honestly say that I have never noticed a woman check me out. I think due to the SAD, I likely misread any positive attention that I get as a sort of scrutiny.

I think I'm naturally a homebody--I'd still probably be more inclined to want to just hang out and stay in even if I didn't have SAD. Also, I don't drink. Which is a conscious decision that I have made in not wanting to allow alcohol to be a crutch for me in meeting people and having fun. These two things really combine to make me feel really out of my element in the bar and club scene, which limits my social life.

Even looking at these things, I can intellectually understand that these are just excuses that I'm making to really put off going out there and meeting someone, but I would love some feedback from someone else, especially female. Are my concerns legitimate? Is the fact that a guy my age doesn't have that much dating experience, or is the fact that I have social anxiety a major red flag?
 
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blandman427 is offline blandman427 Post #2  November 18,2011, 6:44pm
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What you're experiencing is not unusual. I myself have just gotten over a very similar issue in just the last couple of weeks. I would bet serious money that you believe most other people out there are all very confident and are always looking at you as if you're weird.

Trust me, almost everyone else out there is also afraid of the same things as you are, just to varying degrees. Most girls aren't going to be mean to you if you try to engage them in polite conversation. The ones that will be mean are usually fairly obvious and you should be able to spot them very easily.

I completely understand your fear, really, and I'll tell you a few things that helped me become a new man. I'm being deployed to Afghanistan by the end of the year. I realized that if I'm killed over there, I'm not going to care if anyone finds out that I approached a few girls and failed before I left. That really takes the pressure off of me.

I'm sure you're not going to have that escape, but something you can try to do is imagine that someone is offering you $1,000,000 just to engage a pretty girl in polite conversation. To get the money, you don't have to get her phone number or get a date or anything like that. All you have to do is have a short conversation, say 2-3 minutes long.

Right now, you're probably thinking that you are expected to just walk out there and be able to get a date on the first try, and that's totally understandable. To see that as what you have to do means that you see getting a girlfriend/wife as 1 giant step that you have to do all at once. You're not going to make that 1 giant step. Instead, you need to break it down into a bunch of smaller steps, just the same way you would if you were building something. Even something as simple as building a cheap Lego snowman has more than 1 or 2 steps.

Before I go on about the steps, there's something else that might help you, something I learned from doing P90X, haha. It's a very simple concept and it can make a huge difference. Replace the words "I can't..." with "I currently struggle with...". "Can't" means it's impossible. However, if you see yourself as just struggling, then that means it is possible and it's just difficult right now.

Right now, you see talking to girls and seeming normal as something you "can't" do. I would bet that you're not physically/mentally incapable of doing that. Instead, you understand that it's something very difficult for you to do right now. Another way of saying that is to say that you currently "struggle" with that. See how easy it is? It's not the panacea, but it's been a very useful tool for me.

Back to the steps, you can break down the process into much smaller pieces that are much more manageable. Right now, you have to be very objective about how you handle this. What you want to accomplish takes practice, not magic.

For the first step, just concentrate on greeting people politely and engaging them in short, polite eye contact. This can be practiced with the bank teller, the cashier at the grocery store, your barber, anyone that you run into when you're doing your normal errands. All you have to do is say "hi" and maybe even ask "how are you doing?". It won't take long before you see that people aren't punching you in the face for saying "hi" and they're not making fun of you for being polite. Instead, you'll see that they'll return the greeting and will usually be polite as well, most likely accompanied by a smile. Practice this until you feel comfortable enough to move on.

Next, you'll want to engage people in short conversation. When I say short, I mean about a minute or so. You can practice this with all of those same people. You can talk about the weather while dealing with the bank teller. You can talk about something you saw on the news while getting your hair cut. You can talk about something you plan to cook while the cashier bags your groceries. These people aren't going to bite your head off or make fun of you. They might have differeing views from you, but this is where you can practice tolerance and being polite, both of which are required in a relationship. Again, practice this until you feel comfortable enough to move on.

For the next step, start talking to random people, even if it's only for a few seconds. This step isn't necessarily about how long you talk to these people, but about being brave enough and confident enough to talk to people that you don't normally see. It's about talking to people other than your "safe" targets.

I'm not a psychologist and I haven't made it all the way through the process myself yet either, but I think you can see where this is going. I know it seems like a long, drawn out process by turning it into a bunch of little steps, but it really doesn't take all that long. If you can manage to get comfortable with 1 new step each week, you'll probably be getting to the point where you're ready to start a relationship within just a few months. "A few months" seems a whole lot shorter than "never". Also, some of the steps might become easy for you very quickly, thus shortening the time until you're ready to begin a relationship.

It's important to remember that there is no "normal" or "average" amount of time it takes to get through these steps. Hell, these "steps" aren't even set in stone or anything. I just made them up for my own personal use. It's not a race getting through the steps. You're not competing with anyone. You may say you're competing in the sense that every day you're still doing the steps is another day your pool of potential matches is getting smaller. Although that is true to some extent, don't worry about it.

Forget about what anyone else thinks of you and start becoming the person you want to be. If you'd like to be someone in better physical condition, exercise more. If you want to be someone that can talk to girls without stuttering or shaking, practice talking to girls using the steps. You can do just about anything you want to do and the main person getting in your way is you. Forget about what happened in the past and focus on the present.

I know it's not easy. I never said it was. It wasn't easy for me either. I don't expect that everything will work for you the same way it did for me, but it could. I'm just telling you what worked for me and is still working for me. I know I'm not relationship ready yet, but instead of concentrating on that, I'm concentrating on getting myself out there a little bit each week and trying new things, finding something good in each day. Ever since I started my transformation, I've tried to find 1 good thing that's happened in each day. Whether it was something as simple as getting all green lights when driving through town or something more substantial like having a polite conversation with 2 girls at the same time, I keep track of the good things that happen each day.

If you focus on finding the good things each day, you'll become a much more positive person and being positive is a very attractive quality to have. If you focus on the other things (not having a girlfriend, feeling like a loser or weak for getting psychological help, feeling as if everyone looks down on you and doesn't want you around), then you'll make yourself be a more negative person and I'm sure by now you understand that being negative is not attractive.

I don't know where you are exactly in the process or what you've accomplished so far, so don't think I'm talking down to you or acting as if you're stupid in any way. I'm having similar issues myself. It's just that I've learned to let go of the past, I've found someone I can confide in, and I have the courage to stand up for myself. I'm just a few steps ahead of you and I'm telling you from personal experience that this can work if you want it to.

Here are the main things you should remember: replace "I can't" with "I currently struggle with", break it down into more manageable steps instead of seeing it as 1 huge step, and look for the good things in every day. If you can accomplish just those 3 things, I think you'll find that being "happy" is much more attainable than it seems. "Happiness" is subjective and solely based on perception. If you want to be happy, focus on the things that make you happy (or would make you happy) and go for it.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  November 18,2011, 6:55pm
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Probably the biggest "turn off" would be the fact that you seem really into second guessing yourself.

You may also be caught up in assuming the worst about people. Remember that you cannot read peoples minds. You dont know what they are thinking unless they tell you. If you can be engaging and funny with your friends its probably because you know they will accept you, but guess what? Most people will accept you for who you are, quirks and all. Sure there will be some people that dont like you, but who cares. Worry about the people that DO like you. Relax and be yourself.

Sorry if this sounds like a pat answer, but doing is the best way for you to get past your anxiety. Sitting and talking usually accomplishes little.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  November 18,2011, 6:57pm
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Just for example, if you asked me in theory I'm not really attracted to short guys, but there was a short guy (well, he may have been an inch or two shorter than me at 5' 8") at the store the other day that i *wish* would have asked me out! he was cute and looked like a business man. he was talking to his mom on the phone and it was the most awesome convo. i just thought he must be a sweetheart i want to know him more. he also sounded really confident. i'm sure he didnt get that way sitting at home worrying about whether or not people would like him
 
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mazurka is offline mazurka Post #5  November 18,2011, 8:15pm
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My daughter would love to find someone like you. She has health issues that have kept her from dating much, doesn't drink and doesn't like bars. She is funny, intelligent, thoughtful and caring. She is also very pretty .
My point is don't think for a second you are not worth it or that you'll never find someone who loves you for you. The fact that you've identified your anxiety and are addressing it with therapy shows that you value yourself and your future relationships. I think thats a very mature behavior, especially for someone your age and I would imagine there are many young women who would feel the same way.
 
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