About Men: How emotional/sensitive should they be? And how much is too much/too little??


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Harryoss is offline Harryoss Post #1  November 18,2011, 11:38am
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Hello Folks!

The title of the thread is actually something I've pondered about quite a few times... admittedly, sometimes as a result of having read a post on the forums and thinking to myself "You just can't be this emotional as a man, it's just wrong!"... But this thread is not about discussing a specific incident or person. It's about finding out what different people's views are on the topic, and perhaps learning a thing or 2 about where I personally fall in the emotional spectrum.

Anyways, let's get down to a bit more of the specifics of what I had in mind when I say emotional/sensitive man, shall we? I'll break it up into 2 categories.

(Note: questions/discussion is not aimed at people of a specific gender... I'd like everyone's opinions. The women can answer about their own preferences for their men, and the guys can share about themselves).

1) First up is the thought of how much emotionally expressive a guy should be with his SO (Significant Other): Traditionally speaking, men I think are viewed as being rather emotionally distant and not too expressive of how they feel... which is why, I think, some women specifically have a preference for a guy who is comfortable expressing how he feels about her.

For example, I've had many cases where a GF of mine, during cuddling or something similar, poses the question: "What are you thinking right now?". It's not that I've always not had an answer to that... but sometimes I remember saying "Interestingly enough: Nothing!"... because well... it's true! When they pose the question, I'm not really thinking of anything in particular at that moment. I understand it's a question with regards to what my feelings are, and not necessarily what I'm thinking about, but still... I'd say my answer of "nothing" falls in the "emotionally distant" category and as a result makes me ponder to myself "I wonder if she's posing that question because I haven't been expressing enough lately how I feel about her".

And then of course, as evidenced by posts on the forums, there's the men who express their emotions quite a bit (more than necessary methinks), and they want to discuss how they're feeling, how the woman is feeling, where the relationship stands and where it's going, etc.. all day every day to the point of smothering.

SO! The question in this section becomes: How would YOU define the 2 extremes of "too emotionally expressive" and "not emotional expressive enough", and what do YOU think is the ideal amount of "emotionally expressive" a man should be? and Also: How is the best way that he go about doing so? (i.e. are only verbal expressions enough? How about only action-based expressions? Must there always be both?).

2) Second thought to discuss is the concept of how much a guy should be in touch with his emotions, not from the perspective of expressing them to his SO, but just with himself in general. That is, how much he lets things get to him emotionally.

The most basic example would be crying when watching a movie or something. I've actually had someone tell me a story about how she went on a date with a guy who kept sobbing uncontrollably at a movie for I-don't-recall-how-long even after the credits were rolling. That, to me, would seem like a guy who has gone miles overboard. But how bout a person who, quite consistently, tears up at dramatic moments in a movie. Is that too sensitive? How bout one who doesn't tear up at all no matter what? Not sensitive enough?

I'll kick it up a notch and give some more extreme examples: How bout when there's death of a loved one... Is a man who does not cry at such an event dead-inside? How bout a guy who keeps crying for 3 months straight? Is that too sensitive?

Doesn't necessarily have to be a tragedy example either btw, how bout a happy event: The birth of a child? Is a man who doesn't shed tears of joy at the birth of his child dead-inside?

How bout a guy who keeps a diary (urrr, I mean... journal) and writes in it every day? etc etc...

I'm sure I could come up with a lot more examples, but you guys get the idea here. And once again, the questions are in regards to: What do YOU think are the 2 extremes? And what is the happy medium in between that YOU think would be ideal? And how can that actually translate into real scenarios in life?

Let the sharing of opinions begin! *Runs off to grab some popcorn*
Last edited by Harryoss; November 18,2011 at 12:28pm.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #2  November 18,2011, 11:56am
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This is about as expressive as it gets....only kidding.
Interesting question..in that it also has to do with culture in general and individual temperament in particular.
Ideal would be sincere in words and actions.extremes would be contrived either way...crocodile tears or stone cold.
Harryoss wrote :
What do YOU think are the 2 extremes? And what is the happy medium in between that YOU think would be ideal? And how can that actually translate into real scenarios in life?
 
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Harryoss is offline Harryoss Post #3  November 18,2011, 12:11pm
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Wiseman2 wrote :
This is about as expressive as it gets....only kidding.
Interesting question..in that it also has to do with culture in general and individual temperament in particular.
Ideal would be sincere in words and actions.extremes would be contrived either way...crocodile tears or stone cold.
But what if it's not crocodile tears? What if he's just built that way? In the example of the man sobbing uncontrollably at the movies: What if he can't help it? It's just how he's wired.

And conversely about the guy who does not cry... what if that's because crying doesn't come to him even when he's devastated. So he may be grieving on the inside, and no one would be the wiser because of his stone cold exterior/actions.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #4  November 18,2011, 12:23pm
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Harryoss wrote :
But what if it's not crocodile tears? What if he's just built that way? In the example of the man sobbing uncontrollably at the movies: What if he can't help it? It's just how he's wired.

And conversely about the guy who does not cry... what if that's because crying doesn't come to him even when he's devastated. So he may be grieving on the inside, and no one would be the wiser because of his stone cold exterior/actions.
It's never a good idea to imagine that a stone cold man is grieving on the inside. For me, if a man doesn't express his feelings, positive and negative, in some visible or audible way he might (or might as well ) not have any.
 
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Faraday is online now Faraday Post #5  November 18,2011, 12:30pm
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Awww...I love your brain!
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #6  November 18,2011, 12:39pm
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Harry, you bring up a lot of interesting and valid points. As I read, it came down to one thing: there's a big difference between emotion and drama.

Emotion is good.

Drama, not so much.

I appreciate when a man can express how he feels about emotional topics and situations. If he's feeling uncertain about his job or his health or something, I'd like to know so I can support him as he goes through the uncertainty. (Obviously, I'd ask what kind of support he'd like, rather than assuming.) If he finds out that a loved one has died or has a serious illness, I wouldn't find it out of place for there to be some tears. If something like a movie or current events is making him think or feel differently, same thing -- let's hear about it. Bottom line, I want to know that there's a human being in there, not a machine.

I don't appreciate the drama when a man figuratively puts on the greasepaint and overacts to reach the cheap seats. You mentioned major life events as an opportunity for emotion. Too much drama would be keening and wailing (especially for extended periods of time), repeated statements about how this is the worst thing ever, etc., repeating the dramatic behavior every time he shares the news with someone new, as if performing for a reaction. (One would expect that with the retelling, some of the emotion would go away naturally.) Another point would be blowing things out of proportion to their impact. You have to wonder about the motivation: is he that upset, or is he just grasping for attention? Wiseman made an astute statement about sincerity, and it fits well here.

It's interesting you bring this up, because I've been pondering based on my current boyfriend and most recent ex. The current is pretty stoic while the ex was a total drama king. It's been an interesting experience, trying to figure out how to express what I need from the current in terms of emotional communication, which the ex would have given and given till reaching the smothering point.

Keeping a journal? Fine with me. I think it breeds a certain level of self-awareness, which is attractive. But spending five hours a day on it would be a bit extreme.

And for the record, asked randomly, the question "what are you thinking?" in a relationship, is a recipe for drama and disaster. I learned long ago not to ask that of a man, because out of the context of a 'relationship talk,' the answer is likely to be "nothing." And that's not a dodge, it's the truth. I came to realize that if I wanted to know where the relationship stood, I had to ask that in direct terms. We can't expect others to know what we're asking if we're speaking in code.
 
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tangochef is offline tangochef Post #7  November 18,2011, 1:23pm
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Harryoss wrote :
...
How bout a guy who keeps a diary (urrr, I mean... journal) and writes in it every day? etc etc...

...
Well, I do write in my journal my weight for the day, meals, and calories, though the journal is hosted by Living Healthy for Men: Weight Loss, Fitness Training, & Food | LIVESTRONG.COM
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  November 18,2011, 2:03pm
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LOL....I'm totally guilty of springing the "what are you thinking?" question exactly as you describe. Except that I'm not actually looking for you to share your feelings or talk about how you feel about me. It's a really lazy way to engage you in a conversation or to get entertained with minimal effort on my part because I'm quite bored with just cuddling but too relaxed to come up with something better. And let's face it, because you guys think that the answer requires some kind of emotional sharing....it's kind of entertaining to see you squirm a bit.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #9  November 19,2011, 3:53pm
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Owning and expressing your emotions is manly. A man who can cry and not be ashamed is truly strong. A man that whines and complains is a mommas-boy, and no woman feels comfortable with or admires them.

Other than that Tipitina pretty well sums up what I think of as an emotionally mature man.
Last edited by insertscreenname; November 19,2011 at 4:13pm.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #10  November 19,2011, 6:34pm
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insertscreenname wrote :
Owning and expressing your emotions is manly. A man who can cry and not be ashamed is truly strong. A man that whines and complains is a mommas-boy, and no woman feels comfortable with or admires them.

Other than that Tipitina pretty well sums up what I think of as an emotionally mature man.
^^^good answer!

A man should have emotions and not be scared to share them...he should also not loose control of them.....and neither should a woman.

Re the what are you thinking question....it took me a few decades to figure out that women don't really ever turn their brains off, but men can and do throw theirs into neutral with ease. It is difficult as a woman to grasp, not thinking anything. I don't see the query as connected to a request for emotional disclosure.
 
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