My life: deal-breakers or character-makers?


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mazurka is offline mazurka Post #1  November 17,2011, 10:31pm
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I'm a 51 yo divorced woman with some baggage that is leaving me a bit less than confident right now. I would like to ask you all if the following issues would be deal-breakers or if I stand a chance at finding the perfect for me guy....
First of all I'm a recovering alcoholic, 14 months sober. I was never a huge drinker, never had a DUI or lost a job to alcohol. It was just my coping mechanism for a number of years until I realized it was unhealthy and I needed to stop. I'm taking very good care of myself, keeping in close communication with my physician and my therapist.
I have absolutely no desire to ever drink again...my life is so much better now. If anything accepting my problem and getting help changed my life in ways I never imagined and I now live my life with strength, determination and compassion and treat everyday as a beautiful gift.
Second on my list is a recent bankruptcy and pending foreclosure. I don't feel too bad about this one as every penny went to medical bills for my childs rare and life-threatening health issues. There really was no other option.
I am actively re-building my credit and working with a financial advisor to make sure I can gain back my once stellar credit rating. I've also learned many new budgeting techniques and ideas for living a full life on a small budget.
Last but not least, I'm returning to school to brush up on some skills that should allow me to re-enter the workforce doing something I love, however it's not a lucrative occupation by any means. It will allow me to help others and that is a passion of mine. It does mean I'll be in school for the next year or longer.
I believe I'm a good person who dealt with some tough issues and for a time it tore me up... but now I feel strong and capable and ready to take on the world, including a loving relationship.
What do you all think? Am I damaged goods or will others see me as someone who has blossomed despite the odds?
thanks in advance for your thoughts.
~Mazurka
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #2  November 18,2011, 3:14am
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As long as you are as forthcoming as in your post, you may a have a good chance of finding someone. Someone who has traveled a similar road to you with regard to your recoveries may be more compassionate to your situation, Surely the recovery groups you are in will have like minded people....Good Luck..
mazurka wrote :
I feel strong and capable and ready to take on the world, including a loving relationship.
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #3  November 18,2011, 3:46am
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Mazurka, you identified several challenging issues that you're actively working on, with a view toward a good solution. So many others would dwell on the problems and have all sorts of excuses for not moving forward. You're demonstrating your character, which can be very, very attractive.

There will be those people (men and women alike) who will just see the issues and won't want to deal with them. Many others, though, will see your strong character as your defining trait. Those are the men you want to be with, anyway.

As I've gotten older, I've gotten a lot more open to getting to know men who have various issues that would have been deal breakers in the past. None of us reaches a half-century of life without having had some kind of challenge, whether it's alcoholism or health issues or joblessness, etc. It's not so much the challenge but what we do with it, and the emotionally mature people can move forward with someone who's making an earnest effort to manage and get past their issues.

All the best to you!
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #4  November 18,2011, 7:52am
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There will be people out there for whom your experiences will be dealbreakers. However, the issues you enumerated are not so severe as to completely eliminate all potential partners by any means. In fact, I think most people will be understanding of the things on your list.

I think the biggest problem you will have is the following ... how you feel about those things affects how you present yourself. If you feel self conscious about what you've been through, then you are much more likely to give off a vibe of "I have issues" than if you are ok with yourself and the choices you have made.

On the up side, it sounds like you have been very proactive about handling some of your tough situations, and you should be very proud of that. There is nothing more attractive than confidence to both men and women. As long as you're walking out with your head held high, I think you'll do just fine.
 
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ChristianBrother is offline ChristianBrother Post #5  November 18,2011, 8:51am
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I just posted in another thread about lying. One must not lie. But that does not mean that you are obligated to reveal everything right at the start or even for some time. I am going to take the alcoholism as an example. It was a while ago. You sound like you self-identified the problem and it did not interfere with your life. You don't sound to be the classic alcoholic.

Then why would you share that and why would it need to become a deal-breaker?
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #6  November 18,2011, 8:53am
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You should reveal the bankruptcy and pending foreclosure as soon as the relationship seems to be moving towards something permanent.

Make sure you stress the reasons.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #7  November 18,2011, 9:06am
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For those of us fortunate enough to have baggage...we should make sure that baggage is clad in alligator, with gold locks on it...

...so that, when we walk down the train platform, wheeling it behind us...

...we put the rest of those designer bags to shame, and we are the envy of all.

j8a
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  November 18,2011, 10:12am
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I think when push comes to shove, you will run into two opposite extremes. On the one side, you'll have people who look down on you and might even be nasty to you about it. On the other side, you'll come across people who see what you've been through and how you are handling yourself now as something to be admired. Don't let the nasty ones get you down and realize that other kinds of people are out there and you only need one.
 
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mazurka is offline mazurka Post #9  November 18,2011, 6:23pm
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Wow! Thanks everyone for the awesome input. You all make good points and I plan to take them in to account as I move forward in my life. It really is about holding ones head up high with no apologies. I know I have so much to offer and I just need to develop a thicker skin.
The one thing I struggle with is wanting a long term relationship and knowing when to share the more intimate details of my life when getting to know someone. I've been on both sides of the situation... finding out someone was not who he said he was as well as being told my issues were too much for someone. I realize that in either case the relationship was wrong, but I didn't like being judged for past experiences. I guess I can only hope that someday, someone will see that the life I'm living today is the one I plan on living for the rest of my days.
In the mean time I think I'll continue to hang out here with you cool people and get some much needed support while hopefully providing some as well!
`Mazurka
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  November 18,2011, 6:43pm
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mazurka wrote :
I'm a 51 yo divorced woman with some baggage that is leaving me a bit less than confident right now. I would like to ask you all if the following issues would be deal-breakers or if I stand a chance at finding the perfect for me guy....
First of all I'm a recovering alcoholic, 14 months sober. I was never a huge drinker, never had a DUI or lost a job to alcohol. It was just my coping mechanism for a number of years until I realized it was unhealthy and I needed to stop. I'm taking very good care of myself, keeping in close communication with my physician and my therapist.
I have absolutely no desire to ever drink again...my life is so much better now. If anything accepting my problem and getting help changed my life in ways I never imagined and I now live my life with strength, determination and compassion and treat everyday as a beautiful gift.
Second on my list is a recent bankruptcy and pending foreclosure. I don't feel too bad about this one as every penny went to medical bills for my childs rare and life-threatening health issues. There really was no other option.
I am actively re-building my credit and working with a financial advisor to make sure I can gain back my once stellar credit rating. I've also learned many new budgeting techniques and ideas for living a full life on a small budget.
Last but not least, I'm returning to school to brush up on some skills that should allow me to re-enter the workforce doing something I love, however it's not a lucrative occupation by any means. It will allow me to help others and that is a passion of mine. It does mean I'll be in school for the next year or longer.
I believe I'm a good person who dealt with some tough issues and for a time it tore me up... but now I feel strong and capable and ready to take on the world, including a loving relationship.
What do you all think? Am I damaged goods or will others see me as someone who has blossomed despite the odds?
thanks in advance for your thoughts.
~Mazurka
My thoughts are that you should not even think about seeking out a relationship where you are thinking about yourself in these terms. As long as you are someone that is focused on being the best person that you can be, great.

Just my opinion, but if you have never had any major life events related to alcohol (sheesh you dont even have a dui) then you probably really didnt have a serious drinking problem. Not saying that you should do anything regarding that other than what you feel comfortable with, but its not like you are a drinker with a bunch of skeletons in the closet and youre biting your nails trying to figure out when to reveal them.

I've seen some people that are true trainwrecks get married. Based on your description of yourself, I dont think you have anything to worry about
 
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