Presenting the best "me"


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hunterisgreat is offline hunterisgreat Post #1  October 31,2011, 8:56am
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So, I found out my mom was expressing her "concern" over me being single, and that I have 3 big dogs... I feel I've pretty much done everything in my power to be attractive and I'm really loosing faith that the fairytale romance is in the cards... the butterflies visit me less and less frequently.

I'm in excellent shape, I'm successful both in my career goals (finishing up a masters in computer science), and financially (own a successful engineering firm, starting a second business in another sector), I'm reasonable, don't act like a child like I often see even with people my age (32), treat people how I wish to be treated, and I'm witty as they come... I'm on the short side (5'8"), but I can't do anything about that... it seems like people online are so much pickier than people in person. I've often joked with friends that if I could get a woman to listen to me for a few hours I could have her attention as long as I wanted.

I constantly get the "why are you single" crap from friends and family.. and I don't have an answer for that. I won't date someone I'm not really interested in. I had 2 relationships in the past year and a half, both girls were great on paper, but both ending because I just wasn't in it. Both taught the me lesson that I can't convince myself to love or even really like someone. The dogs? Well they aren't going anywhere lol. So what would you guys and gals offer in the way of advice? I'm pretty much open to anything at this point.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  October 31,2011, 12:04pm
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I wasn't sure what you're asking for advice about ... how to deal with the "why are you still single" on-and-on from family/friends? how to meet more or more suitable women? or what?

But then I re-read the thread title: Presenting the best "me". Is that your question? Do you feel you're not presenting yourself as well as you could?

From this post, I think you are presenting yourself well. You could copy most of your post into an online profile and it would work.

So I'm confused what you're asking about? Elucidate, please!
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #3  October 31,2011, 2:16pm
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Honestly, I think that you have nailed your problem in your original post. You are wasting time with women who you aren't really "feeling it" for. If instead of trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole with those two women you weren't feeling it for you had been out meeting as many women as possible, perhaps you would not be in the situation right now?

Good news is that the solution to this is easy. The next time you're with a woman who is great on paper but you're still not feeling it ... move on. This way you don't lead her on or waste your time. You shouldn't feel bad about it either. Everyone deserves to be with someone who thinks that they don't know how they got so lucky as to have landed that her (or him).
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  October 31,2011, 2:47pm
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Sounds like you have a lot going on in your life that's eating up your time and attention. So what are you actually, actively doing to get dates? How much flexibility do you really have to make it work?

Also, don't ever ever ever again waste time on women you are not truly into just because they seem good on paper. That's not fair to you or them.

What I've noticed with guys like yourself is that you are often so busy and so focused, that you end up trapping yourself - no spontaneity, no flexibility. Tonight you have to do A because you always do A, tomorrow it's B, day after it's C and ...... no time to spend on a date and no capacity to even make that a true priority because then you'd have to give up A or B or C.
 
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hunterisgreat is offline hunterisgreat Post #5  November 1,2011, 5:20am
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DancingFool wrote :
Sounds like you have a lot going on in your life that's eating up your time and attention. So what are you actually, actively doing to get dates? How much flexibility do you really have to make it work?

Also, don't ever ever ever again waste time on women you are not truly into just because they seem good on paper. That's not fair to you or them.

What I've noticed with guys like yourself is that you are often so busy and so focused, that you end up trapping yourself - no spontaneity, no flexibility. Tonight you have to do A because you always do A, tomorrow it's B, day after it's C and ...... no time to spend on a date and no capacity to even make that a true priority because then you'd have to give up A or B or C.
There was a time when this was absolutely true. My late 20's basically.. my last really serious relationship ended, had no desire to date for a while, so I just buried myself in my work... and time went by. Then I realized after my 30th bday, particularly when friends started having kids, that I needed more focus on that aspect of my life as it was the only real big part of life I had not yet had success in. Since then, I've taken on a few business partners to dramatically lessen the load on me personally, but now I'm just having a hard time finding where are the women I should be pursuing are.

I'm on eharmony... no luck so far. I don't shut my eyes in a bar, but I don't consider that ideal and don't go to bars to meet people, just drinks with friends. My friends are rapidly marrying up so not much there. People suggest church but thats not really my thing. I honestly have 1 night a week that is off limits for social stuff, but thats a minor commitment I think.

I tried dating women that were great on paper but I wasn't really feeling sparks with because after looking for women where the spark was instant and not finding any, I figured, well... maybe that can be fostered with the right person even if it wasn't there up front. 2 in a row and I've decided thats not a viable option. I did break it off with them and fully explained why, and that it wasn't fair for me to keep trying when it just wasn't happening. So I'm at a frustrating point where I don't know if I should really hold on to the hope that I will meet that "how did I get her" woman, or if I should consider relaxing my rigid expectations knowing the risk I may waste more time, or just start warming up to the idea that for whatever reason its just not in the cards for me.

So my questions aren't really specific... general advice, constructive criticism, words of wisdom, inspiration. I'm all ears
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #6  November 1,2011, 5:47am
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Best thing to do... drown out the friends / family particularly mom..voices and think for yourself.

Your relationship / pet living / status should be your and only your concern at this point, not the whole family wringing their hands wondering when are the grandchildren coming / what's "wrong" with you.

You have a solid hold on your profession / finances / living status and that is far more important. Stop confiding / disclosing so much about your love-life to your mother / family. Simply say you are dating a lot, seeing women and change the subject.

Your dating life will pick up significantly when women see that you have cut any remaining emotional apron strings.... Good Luck.....

hunterisgreat wrote :
So, I found out my mom was expressing her "concern" over me being single, and that I have 3 big dogs...I constantly get the "why are you single" crap from friends and family..

I had 2 relationships in the past year and a half, both girls were great on paper, but both ending because I just wasn't in it. Both taught the me lesson that I can't convince myself to love or even really like someone.
 
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hunterisgreat is offline hunterisgreat Post #7  November 3,2011, 9:47am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
Best thing to do... drown out the friends / family particularly mom..voices and think for yourself.

Your relationship / pet living / status should be your and only your concern at this point, not the whole family wringing their hands wondering when are the grandchildren coming / what's "wrong" with you.

You have a solid hold on your profession / finances / living status and that is far more important. Stop confiding / disclosing so much about your love-life to your mother / family. Simply say you are dating a lot, seeing women and change the subject.

Your dating life will pick up significantly when women see that you have cut any remaining emotional apron strings.... Good Luck.....
I actually don't really share much at all about my dating life with the parents. Generally they only find out when I introduce a girl I'm already in a relationship with.

I'm not sure what you mean by the last line lol... emotional apron strings?
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #8  November 3,2011, 11:22am
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The opening line in the Original Post....wouldn't say that to a date...lol.....
hunterisgreat wrote :
I'm not sure what you mean by the last line lol... emotional apron strings?
 
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tjlpd is offline tjlpd Post #9  November 3,2011, 12:16pm
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Hunterisgreat online dating is hard for anyone who is not perfect. Do you initiate a lot of conversation online? You look cute in your picture and you are in a prime age for dating. You seem to have yourself together financially and career wise so that is a definite plus. The only negative I see is that you are short which is probably a bigger deal online than in real life. If I were you, I would focus on the real world. Do you volunteer? I had a friend who did habitat for humanity and it was at least twice as many women vs men. Are there any young professional groups in town? Again there was a leadership group my friend went to and again twice as many women as men. She met some great women who had great careers, interesting and attractive. Through this network of friends she eventually met her now husband. Do you go to wine tastings, local festivals, have you tried meetups? Have you joined a gym, joined a training group for a local running race?? At all of these events the female to male ratio is in your favor.
 
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hunterisgreat is offline hunterisgreat Post #10  November 3,2011, 12:48pm
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tjlpd wrote :
Hunterisgreat online dating is hard for anyone who is not perfect. Do you initiate a lot of conversation online? You look cute in your picture and you are in a prime age for dating. You seem to have yourself together financially and career wise so that is a definite plus. The only negative I see is that you are short which is probably a bigger deal online than in real life. If I were you, I would focus on the real world. Do you volunteer? I had a friend who did habitat for humanity and it was at least twice as many women vs men. Are there any young professional groups in town? Again there was a leadership group my friend went to and again twice as many women as men. She met some great women who had great careers, interesting and attractive. Through this network of friends she eventually met her now husband. Do you go to wine tastings, local festivals, have you tried meetups? Have you joined a gym, joined a training group for a local running race?? At all of these events the female to male ratio is in your favor.
Thanks for the kind words

I know the short thing is a big deal online, when everyone is going down the profile looking for what would be a non-starter... ironically I have a much harder time dating women around 5'3" or shorter, than taller than 5'3".. I even have had more success with women taller than me lol. 2 of my serious relationship were 5'11" and 5'9", and the 5'9" was a stunner, and an attorney to boot... ended only because of physical distance.. we still talk often.

And I've always joked that if I could get a woman to listen to me for a few hours I could have her attention indefinitely.. I'm much more effective woo'ing female friends or women I interact with regularly than getting a woman hooked at first glance. Which is one reason I hate bars, among others.

As far as local gatherings, I'm on that delicate cusp of life being too busy. I was there and scaled back to concentrate on the social/romance aspects of life. I can't take on much more regular commitments. Ironically I'm heavily involved in German protection dog training (Schutzhund), and have been shocked that its a female dominated sport from what I have seen... but so far, no dating material. I've been off and on at gyms, but most here have optional "women only" rooms b/c too many men bother the ladies I suppose. So in short, I'm trying, but not yet finding where all the women in my target age range are hanging out
 
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