Decision for children or not


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hopefuloptimistic2011 is offline hopefuloptimistic2011 Post #1  October 26,2011, 2:03pm
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How is a rational decision made on whether to have (biological) children?

I am in my search for a life partner and kid(s) is/are one of the major decisions. I could choose a lady without children who would like to have them. Or, I could date/marry a single mother who prefers not to have any more children, or a woman who does not want them at all.

I have no family pressure to have children. My parents have both passed. My nephews will carry on the family name. Also, I get to take my nephews and nieces regularly - but I also enjoy that I send them back after a visit. Maybe it's different with your own flesh and blood. Maybe taking care of them too often is jading me against parenthood?

So, back to the rational aspect. On paper, having children has a ton more down sides. The stress, behavior, the selfishness, the ungratefulness, the problems, the noise, the shuffling to sports and dance class, the constant supervision. Research shows that parents of children are no happier than child-less couples.

Then there's the cost issue: several thousand dollars a year per child in food, clothes, health care, child care, and misc expenses. Not even looking at college tuition... something like 200 hundred thousand dollars per kid birth through 18. Maybe that's overstated, but still a major issue. Am I being too selfish in wanting to use my disposable income for my future partner and I to enjoy?

What am I missing here? People throughout time have purposefully had children knowing the same rationale aspects I touched on here. I would like your insight to help me decide to have children. Thanks.
 
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tangochef is offline tangochef Post #2  October 26,2011, 2:57pm
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If you have to ask complete strangers whether you should have children or not, you already know the answer. It is a NO.
 
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Xable is offline Xable Post #3  October 26,2011, 3:53pm
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hopefuloptimistic2011 wrote :

What am I missing here? People throughout time have purposefully had children knowing the same rationale aspects I touched on here.
What you are missing is that people have children because they *want* to. If you don't, with your full heart, want children or to be a parent - you shouldn't.

I want to be a mother almost, but not quite as much as, I would like to be a wife to a guy who I totally love and who totally loves me. That's why I would have children and for no other reason. The "hardships" are not hardships to me. It's just all part of being a parent.
 
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EccentricAmbiguity is online now EccentricAmbiguity Post #4  October 26,2011, 3:59pm
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The studies they do to tell you whether or not having kids make you happier than not having kids are pointless. If you don't have kids you don't know what its like to have kids. And once you have kids you forget what its like to not have kids.
You are thinking about it too logically. You are trying to put numbers and statstics on something that can't be quantified. Having a kid is nothing like caring for a neice or nephew. And your concern about having your name carried on? Also not a good gauge on whether to have kids or not.
Having a child adds a certain depth to you emotionally that the happiness studies do not reflect. Having a child creates a bond between you and another human being that is unlike any concern or love you could have for someone else. Once you have kids, if you were to lose those kids, you would never be happy the way you were before you had kids. You would be destroyed inside.
Unless there is something psychologically wrong with you, you won't regret your choice to have kids. But its really up to whether or not you want to and if you find the right person to enter into a life long deal with.
Last edited by EccentricAmbiguity; October 26,2011 at 4:02pm.
 
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treatmesweetly is offline treatmesweetly Post #5  October 26,2011, 3:59pm
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Having children is a huge responsibility filled with joy, pain, fear, pride, excitement, frustration, happiness, and more. The affects of one child on your life far exceeds the expenses... You'll be physically and mentally exhausted, you won't have time to do the things you used to enjoy because you'll be doing the things they enjoy, and if you don't hold up your end of the child care effort, your spouse won't have time to work-out and her body won't recover from having a child. Also, being a parent does not end at 18 years old. When you bring life into the world, you are responsible for that life, always.

The people I know who desperately wanted children and love their children madly, struggle with their parental responsibilities regularly. There is no reason to have a child unless you are prepared for that child to change your life forever. Many men say they would have children for their spouse, if she really wants them. You cannot have a child to make someone else happy. You should only have a child when you desperately need to have it, even if you have to raise the child by yourself. You are much to blasé about having a child to be a parent. Children are not a set of golf clubs or roller-blades you can throw in a closet when you're bored or frustrated with the activity, and you definitely cannot save the receipt and return them!

It’s okay for people to not want to have children, and unless they’re ready to make lifelong sacrifices, it’s in everyone’s best interests for them not to have children. There are plenty of ignored and abandoned children in the world.
Last edited by treatmesweetly; October 26,2011 at 4:09pm. Reason: formatting
 
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EccentricAmbiguity is online now EccentricAmbiguity Post #6  October 26,2011, 4:08pm
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treatmesweetly wrote :
You'll be physically and mentally exhausted, you won't have time to do the things you used to enjoy because you'll be doing the things they enjoy, and if you don't hold up your end of the child care effort, your spouse won't have time to work-out and her body won't recover from having a child.
This is a very jaded and somewhat naive view of being a parent. I'm sorry, but it doesn't even really make sense. I am a single mom and I have a very fit and in shape body. More so than people my age without kids. I have hobbies and what many people may not understand, is that being a parent and sacraficing for your children and watching them enjoy their hobbies is just as satisfying if not more so than engaging in your own.
 
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treatmesweetly is offline treatmesweetly Post #7  October 26,2011, 4:16pm
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EccentricAmbiguity wrote :
...Unless there is something psychologically wrong with you, you won't regret your choice to have kids.
Carp. Absolute drivel. There are plenty of people who regret having children, but because it's socially inappropriate for a parent to say they regret having children, they just take it out on the child. Don't believe for a moment that the child won't feel that resentment.

If you aren't sure that you want to have a child, don't risk their life on it!
 
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treatmesweetly is offline treatmesweetly Post #8  October 26,2011, 4:28pm
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EccentricAmbiguity wrote :
This is a very jaded and somewhat naive view of being a parent. I'm sorry, but it doesn't even really make sense. I am a single mom and I have a very fit and in shape body. More so than people my age without kids. I have hobbies and what many people may not understand, is that being a parent and sacraficing for your children and watching them enjoy their hobbies is just as satisfying if not more so than engaging in your own.
Yes, a lot of parents enjoy giving up some of their hobbies to watch their children, but not all of them. Some parents figure out a way to fit exercise into their busy schedules (my cousin did it and so did a coworker). They are the only two women I know whose bodies were not permanently affected by having a child.

The OP is fuzzy about his interest in becoming a parent. It's my opinion that both parents need to be crystal clear about the impact a child will have on their lives. Obviously, no one knows the future or can prepare for every situation. But thinking that parenthood is all cooing babies and cheering for your kid at school sports events is delusional. Parenthood also comes with dirty diapers, vomit, and calls from the principal's office.
 
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ChainMan is offline ChainMan Post #9  October 26,2011, 4:50pm
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hopefuloptimistic2011 wrote :
Also, I get to take my nephews and nieces regularly - but I also enjoy that I send them back after a visit. Maybe it's different with your own flesh and blood. Maybe taking care of them too often is jading me against parenthood?
Your experience with your nephews + nieces does provide some insight into what it will be like for you to be a parent.
 
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EccentricAmbiguity is online now EccentricAmbiguity Post #10  October 26,2011, 5:02pm
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treatmesweetly wrote :
Yes, a lot of parents enjoy giving up some of their hobbies to watch their children, but not all of them. Some parents figure out a way to fit exercise into their busy schedules (my cousin did it and so did a coworker). They are the only two women I know whose bodies were not permanently affected by having a child.

The OP is fuzzy about his interest in becoming a parent. It's my opinion that both parents need to be crystal clear about the impact a child will have on their lives. Obviously, no one knows the future or can prepare for every situation. But thinking that parenthood is all cooing babies and cheering for your kid at school sports events is delusional. Parenthood also comes with dirty diapers, vomit, and calls from the principal's office.
You are talking in stereotypes. Having a child has never affected my weight or my zest for life. I hear you speaking in generalities like diapers, school sports, blah blah blah. Being a parent is watching a piece of you develop and become something completely separate from you. It is an amazing evolutionary process that has been so well defined and perfected throughout millions of years. It is complicated, yes, and hard work, very true! But so was getting my graduate degree, so is working out, so is having a job so is living!!!!! Not everyone has to have children thats the beauty of free will. But please dont cheapen the experience of it.
 
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