Farajah is offline Farajah Post #1  September 9,2011, 12:52am
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Early TL;DR: Do you feel like an enigma in our modern society? Why/why not?

I was sitting in a class today, and started thinking about my beliefs, life choices, goals, and desires. As I was sorting through them, and comparing them to the rest of society (the rest of society that I'm exposed to, at least). The more I did so, the more I felt like a real enigma.

What I mean is this;

I'm 21, and have never been in any sort of romantic relationship. I know, boo-hoo, woe is me, yada yada. But, the more I look around, the weirder this seems. Now, it does still kind of hurt, not knowing what its like to be in love, and loved in return.

Second, out of my entire group of friends, I'll be the first to graduate with a bachelor's degree, and seem to be the only person interested in really pursing one. It can make life a little lonely at times, since I really have no one to relate to about what it's like.

Third, I seem to be the only one out of the people I know that is genuinely motivated by success. There are plenty of people in my animation classes that want to be good artists, even some who want to be good animators, but most of them can't pull their heads out of yesterday, or look up long enough to really seize opportunities.

Fourth, and this is really noticeable to me, I have extremely conservative views about sex. I'm not necessarily saying that I'm going to wait until marriage, but I'm not going to hop in the sack on date three, just because it's the 'normal' thing to do. The way I see it, if sex is such an amazing, special, intimate, thing, then why would you be having it with someone you care nothing about? Especially if its just some sort of 'robotic, meaningless' event.

Fifth, I'm a virgin (in case you couldn't tell from the previous paragraph). I usually avoid telling people this, especially women. From things I've been seeing, hearing, and reading, this seems to be an increasingly negative trait for men. To add insult to injury, other guys will laugh, and women respond with an "Aw, that's so cute."

Sixth, I have a belief system that, I think, comes off as confusing to some people. I believe that the sexes are basically equal, and will expect the same kind of performance from a woman, as I would from a man in the same field. I'm not afraid to tell people what I think, or crack a less then tasteful joke, and I expect people to act in more-or-less the same way.
I love my country, and feel no personal guilt for the mistakes its made in the past. This can come off as a bit ethnocentric/racist to people.

This whole post might have come off as a bit complaint ridden, or meaningless, but I think this feeling like I'm always so out of place might contribute to some of the problems in my dating life. My question to you all is this, do you feel like an enigma? If so, do you think it has an effect on your romantic life, and in what way?
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #2  September 9,2011, 2:25am
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You're 21??!
No offense, but this is as far as I had to read.
You've got loads of time to experience life.

And you should.


Carry on.
 
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Farajah is offline Farajah Post #3  September 9,2011, 3:10am
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Yeah, I know. I was just using my age to give the statement some context.
 
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TrekRyder10 is offline TrekRyder10 Post #4  September 9,2011, 4:22am
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Where's Lunabeach? She has a good article from Lisa Wade that might hit home for the OP...
 
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savman is offline savman Post #5  September 9,2011, 9:51am
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The biggest reason you don't get things about how people view sex, is because your viewpoint is so different due to lack of experience.

It does stink that none of your college friends are motivated by success. I was lucky to have many college friends who were very smart and very motivated. Come to think of it, luck does not have much to do with it. Those were the types of people I was drawn to, and who were drawn to me.

You will be fine. People mature in different parts of their lives at different rates, you seem to be ahead of the game in some areas, and behind in others. Don't over stress about the areas where you are behind the curve at 21.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #6  September 9,2011, 10:25am
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TrekRyder10 wrote :
Where's Lunabeach? She has a good article from Lisa Wade that might hit home for the OP...
Oh. Here I am. Thanks, Trek

Lisa Wade And Consensual Narratives | The Consensual Project

OP, there's a topic on Let's Talk About Sex that you may find interesting:

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/gr...eal-thing.html

(actually - there are two: you might like mine as well http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/gr...-no-maybe.html)

I would also recommend Cindy Gallop's TED presentation TED Blog | Cindy Gallop: Make love, not porn re: your fourth point.

Her website (makelovenotporn.com) has some very interesting feedback under the "About" section.

ETA: Not sure what you're saying with your last point - do you make racist or sexist jokes and expect people to be ok with them because you don't feel you discriminate?

If you have nothing nice to say, then it really is better not to say it at all. Just because something doesn't seem hurtful or offensive to you doesn't mean that it isn't; employ empathy and consider your audience - a stray bullet does as much damage as one intentionally aimed.
Last edited by lunabeach; September 9,2011 at 10:38am.
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #7  September 9,2011, 12:59pm
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Agreed with the above. It also just sounds to me like you're a fairly conservative guy. So hang out where likeminded people hang out. Move to the South when you're done with school. Join a megachurch. Not kidding. There are cool fun conservative people who would love to meet you, if you go where they are.

Also, consider who you are comparing yourself with at the moment. Guys taking a class in computer animation. You've got a few programmers. And then a bunch of those same dudes who always sat in the back of class throughout highschool drawing skulls and cartoon characters on the back of their notebooks. I've dated them. Not exactly type A.

So you're different, but not as different as you think. You're just different than the people you've been thrown together with during college. If you went to, say, Liberty University, you'd be the wild and crazy liberal dude by comparison. Don't worry about it too much. Eventually you'll find a place to fit in.
 
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VolGal is offline VolGal Post #8  September 9,2011, 7:03pm
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You sound like a guy who is probably ahead of the pack in the artistic and intellectual side. You express yourself well in your post. And spelling. A plus. I have learned through the years that those people who are exceedingly gifted in any field (art, intellect, athletics, performance, mechanical skills), the more accelerated the giftedness, there are other parts of the person that lag in growth. Most prominently emotional growth.

And the more gifted the person, the more the emotional growth will lag behind those of the same chronological age.

You sound very articulate, grounded, and determined to succeed if by your will alone.

My mother (born in the 1930's) taught me to complete my education and get established in my career BEFORE marrying and starting a family.

You sound like you have your goals, and if romance happens along the way, you won't turn it down.

Wait until it happens. Don't rush yourself. Enjoy the journey and the scenery along the way. The right woman will come along

And, by the way, that feeling of being separate and apart and different...it also comes from being different. Embrace it.
 
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Co6aka is offline Co6aka Post #9  September 9,2011, 10:22pm
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VolGal wrote :
...the more gifted the person, the more the emotional growth will lag behind those of the same chronological age.
Post hoc ergo propter hoc, basically, plus a dab of confirmation bias. Their "lag" is not the result of their being "gifted." It's simply the result of too little "emotional education" due to most/all of their focus being on/in their subject(s) of interest...

VolGal wrote :
My mother (born in the 1930's) taught me to complete my education and get established in my career BEFORE marrying and starting a family.
And the above, I suspect, is one of the reasons why I find many of the "career-oriented" types, in my opinion of course, to be emotionally-immature for their age. I do however agree with the "before starting a family" part; I think a couple must first thoroughly establish and develop their relationship, their joint emotional intelligence.

VolGal wrote :
The right woman will come along.
And you'll win the lottery, live happily ever after, and etcetera. Certainly. Endings are not always happy; in fact few are, and rarely do good things come to those who sit around waiting. And, life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. (I'm an extreme-realist, so... yeah, I'm like that.) The right woman may never "come along," which is why you've gotta always be on point; there are no dress rehearsals in life.

VolGal wrote :
...that feeling of being separate and apart and different...it also comes from being different. Embrace it.
But beware, learning to embrace it is quite like learning to embrace and savor a tablespoonful of Wasabi. (It worked wonders for me; now, I even lather-up my hotdogs with Wasabi...! Of course YMMV.)
 
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Farajah is offline Farajah Post #10  September 10,2011, 1:55am
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Thanks everyone who's responded thus far.

Luna, I read everything you listed. Interesting, but not really mind-blowing.
 
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