Communication skills...


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
adventure714 is offline adventure714 Post #1  July 21,2011, 8:47am
adventure714's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: May 2011

Posts: 27

See profile

How much am I being judged on my communication skills?

During high school I was a social "retard". I was basically a loner and got picked on a lot. It sucked pretty bad. Rather than going into depression and shooting myself, instead (Obviously ) I did something about it.

First I friended someone who was really good with talking to people. I learned the basics and read some books (it's amazing how many books there are on people skills). With practice I've gotten better at talking to people and connecting with them over the years. I'm proud of who I've become compared to myself 12 years ago.

However, recently some of my friends and family have said that I'm socially awkward. To be honest, that pisses me off. I think I'm good at listening and taking genuine interest in what people have to say about themselves and I can crack some good jokes pretty often. I definitely don't offend people. Being honest with myself, I find that I'm far better talking to people I'm comfortable with than talking to strangers. Talking to strangers (men or women) I stumple for words or get tongue tied. I'm not comfortable talking to people I don't know very good. I do try my best to connect with people, but in the back of my head I think that I'm invading their privacy by asking things like their interests or asking them questions in order to get to know them.

By the way, it's really evident when I'm talking to girl I'm interested in or on the first couple of dates.

I would like to be 100% natural in talking to people I don't know and easily connect with them. How do I know if I'm doing right or wrong? Nobody I know can give me good feedback.

I've also noticed that the majority of people I met in social gatherings don't take much interest in asking me about myself. It feels like they have already made up in their minds that I'm not worth the time. Funny thing is, I will sometimes give a detailed response to "how's it going?" rather than the plain usual response.

I would love to know exactly what people are thinking after a 10 minute conversation. Are there workshops for this kindof stuff.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and responding.
 
  Reply With Quote
aylia is offline aylia Post #2  July 21,2011, 10:53am
aylia's Avatar

Christmas Break! Woo Hoo!

Pacesetter

Joined: Jun 2010

Canada

Posts: 418

See profile

Your friends and family probably know you the best and are saying that for a reason. I think that reading books is definatly a good idea but you can only learn so much that way. Social skills can be very difficult to explain. They are so subtle and are continually changing based on the circumstances.

Perhaps you can start with a friend or family member that is the easiest to talk to and ask for more specific feedback. You said that you are having trouble getting good feedback, so maybe you can just target in on one thing. Pick a specific situation that you want to improve on and work on that. I'm sure that there would be some support available. I would also talk to a doctor or counsellor for advice.

It's probably not the case in your situation but it's worth noting that many people are on the autistic spectrum and are never given that diagnosis because no one pursued it. Some people essentially have a learning disability in the area of social skills. Their brains just don't work in the same way. This kind of diagnosis takes some time with a specialist and it may not come up at a regular doctors appointment unless the patient or a family member bring it up.

Please don't take offense to this. I just thought that it's worth mentioning. I work with people who have learning disabilities so it's something that comes to mind for me.

It sounds like you're trying to make some positive changes. I hope that you are able to find someone that is able to help you out.

As for your initial question... I'd have to say that people are very judgemental about communication skills (I think). Unless you have had a chance to really get to know someone you have no idea that he has a great heart and the best of intentions. What else do we have to go on aside from your communication skills?
 
  Reply With Quote
mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #3  July 21,2011, 11:11am
mitchell175's Avatar

mixing metaphors in a mellifluous melange of malapropisms

Power Poster

Joined: Oct 2010

Boston, MA... or thereabouts

Posts: 6,360

See profile

adventure714 wrote :
However, recently some of my friends and family have said that I'm socially awkward. To be honest, that pisses me off.
Your friends and family usually know you pretty well and are a good judge of how you come off to people.

However... your friends and family get used to you always being one way, and it is very hard for them to recognize change and growth.

So, if they are telling you that you are "socially awkward", you could be. Or, they could be thinking of the past, and the way that they always knew you. Change is hard. Getting those people who are close to us to recognize that change is often harder.
 
  Reply With Quote
niqht is offline niqht Post #4  July 21,2011, 11:31am
niqht's Avatar

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love

Enthusiast

Joined: Jan 2011

Houston

Posts: 659

See profile

Really, there is some level of improving yourself, but there is more of understanding yourself and your differences. And accepting them.
I wouldn't bother giving a damn about those that treat you that way.

Do not assume there aren't girls out there the same. There are and they will understand, and even feel a connection for it.
I can personally attest to that.
 
  Reply With Quote
HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #5  July 21,2011, 11:38am
HelenDanger's Avatar

happy to be back!

Veteran

Joined: Jun 2011

The South, for the moment.

Posts: 1,164

See profile

adventure714 wrote :
How much am I being judged on my communication skills?

You aren't being judged at all. As in right or wrong or worth more or less. But the way you communicate is you in a way. As far as other people are concerned, you're just a walking container wearing clothes until you start disclosing what's going on inside you.

...With practice I've gotten better at talking to people and connecting with them over the years. I'm proud of who I've become compared to myself 12 years ago.
Fab! I'm glad for you.


...Talking to strangers (men or women) I stumple for words or get tongue tied. I'm not comfortable talking to people I don't know very good. I do try my best to connect with people, but in the back of my head I think that I'm invading their privacy by asking things like their interests or asking them questions in order to get to know them.
Well you're wrong in the back of your head about this one. It's not invading their privacy to ask about surface topics. Keep throwing out noncontroversial topics and stop when you find one that lights the other person's eyes up. Then ask "what" and "how" questions about it. But stay away from "why."

What do you like about playing the sousaphone? How did you manage to escape? are good. Why do you like Hendrix that much? Why did you get lost? sound judgmental.


...I've also noticed that the majority of people I met in social gatherings don't take much interest in asking me about myself.
Because they're just as shy as you.
It feels like they have already made up in their minds that I'm not worth the time.
Not a fair assumption to make. You dislike it just as much when people assume that about you.

Funny thing is, I will sometimes give a detailed response to "how's it going?" rather than the plain usual response.
Now that's the number one thing you've said so far that sounds like something a socially awkward person would do. Stop. The only answer to that is, "Great. You?" Unless your life is going terribly. In which case you say, "Not bad. You?"

If they want to know how it's really going they will ask something else. Like, "So whatcha been up to lately?" And even then, keep it light.

I would love to know exactly what people are thinking after a 10 minute conversation. Are there workshops for this kindof stuff.

Well, never ask them that obviously. But I can tell you what they're thinking. Oh man, did I really just say that? I'm hungry. I think that's Sarah over there. What time is it? I should have eaten before I left the house nothing but cheese and crap to eat here. Oh wait, dude wants a response. We were talking about sailboarding. Wow who can afford that? Maybe I should talk about my vacation last year...

There are workshops. And books. Maybe check Amazon.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and responding.
No probs, bro. My responses are all in purple above.
 
  Reply With Quote
Cali42 is offline Cali42 Post #6  July 21,2011, 11:47am
Cali42's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2011

California

Posts: 123

See profile

It's great you are trying to address this issue! I would ask a friend or two if they would help you overcome this by pointing out specifics and making suggestions on what would have been better in specific situations. Be clear that you will take what they say “in love” so to speak. You can’t get angry with them if you don’t agree. It is very likely you will not at times. At those times I would suggest that you try it their way for a while, a few months to see if people react to you differently. I would also consider counseling and/or a life coach. They can work with some cognitive behavioral therapy to give you tools to change.

Chin up! You are in a great place. Recognizing, deciding and acting on those decisions is how you will bring about change in your life.
 
  Reply With Quote
flgal is offline flgal Post #7  July 21,2011, 12:03pm
flgal's Avatar

enjoying the last day of summer break!

Enthusiast

Joined: Mar 2008

Florida

Posts: 899

See profile

adventure714 wrote :
I would love to know exactly what people are thinking after a 10 minute conversation. Are there workshops for this kindof stuff.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and responding.
I was painfully shy as a young child, although you would never, ever guess that about me now. As a young child, I didn't even want people asking me questions because that meant I would have to respond to them and have a conversation. Now, I am completely the opposite. So, there's hope for you, too!

As an educator, the thought that you are extremely intelligent crossed my mind. One of the signs of giftedness is awkwardness in social situations. My oldest daughter struggled with this a little when she was younger, too, because she and many of her friends were world apart in terms of the things they thought about, which made communication difficult. We worked on social skills, things to talk about, etc. and she is much more social now, too.

So, my thought is that if you've always been told that you're socially awkward, but nobody has ever worked with you on ways to counter it this has probably become a self-fulfilling prophecy for you. Also, you could be so focused on NOT being socially awkward that you can't focus on how to just relax and have a meaningful conversation/interaction with another person.

That said, many people have experienced the same thing you are going through and overcome it. It sounds like you're doing the right things by reading books and trying to work on it. Have you considered therapy? I think your friends/family mean well, but if they are simply labeling you, as opposed to encouraging you, it would be beneficial to have someone support you through this.

Oh, and to answer your other question, I honestly am not really thinking about anything after 10 minutes of a conversation. I am just enjoying the conversation and the person I'm talking with. Mindfulness could be helpful to you in this area. You may want to research it.

The MOST important thing here is that you're acknowledging this and that you have a willingness to change it. Good for you! Best of luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
niqht is offline niqht Post #8  July 21,2011, 12:47pm
niqht's Avatar

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love

Enthusiast

Joined: Jan 2011

Houston

Posts: 659

See profile

After 10min of talking... it must have been a real conversation on a real topic, otherwise I wouldn't still be talking after the first 60 sec. In which case I will still be thinking about the topic far beyond the words spoken.
I just can't pretend to be interested in useless small talk.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  July 21,2011, 8:07pm
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,668

See profile

flgal wrote :
One of the signs of giftedness is awkwardness in social situations.
So that is my problem, I am extremely gifted
 
  Reply With Quote
flgal is offline flgal Post #10  July 21,2011, 8:10pm
flgal's Avatar

enjoying the last day of summer break!

Enthusiast

Joined: Mar 2008

Florida

Posts: 899

See profile

Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
So that is my problem, I am extremely gifted
Was there ever any doubt?!
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Writing About My Dating Experiences | About You | What to say about not dating »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
How many Requests for Communication do you get? betta33 Using eHarmony 59 January 31,2011 10:16pm
FCE- Communication trap passat1 Using eHarmony 2 November 12,2010 7:23am
Need general advice for Open communication. jackc83 Ask a Dating Expert 12 November 8,2010 9:17am
Move to Open Communication...But No Communication? blrdancer Using eHarmony 3 November 3,2010 7:28am
Confused about guided communication sngldad13 Using eHarmony 7 October 21,2010 12:10pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Umm....I don't think you are clearly seeing this guy for who he is. He has been with two women at all times... First...it was his wife and you...Then it was you and this other woman....And then now ... ” –  Ingytravel

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“Simple answer to the OP's question: NO. The drama isn't worth it. Tell your boyfriend you don't want to be around him when he's like this (and mean it). Go away, find other things to do, and ... ” –  Lindac7

Join the “Dating a Moody Guy. Is the Drama Worth It???” discussion

“But they are all "jocks," so none interest her. Not only would they never like or get her nerdiness since they are jocks, but as jocks, they don't read, go to museums, go to plays, eat, breath... ... ” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Super active/physically fit men not a match” discussion

“ Heh. I was thinking the same thing, I remember this thread from nearly 2 years ago! But, it is definitely fascinating to see the chip on some people's shoulders, when old threads like this get ... ” –  ScottK

Join the “Do men prefer thin women?” discussion

“Thank you everyone for replying...I think I know what's the right thing to do now. I haven't dated a lot and your advice is very helpful. On a side note, yes, he claims that this is his first time ... ” –  smilingeye

Join the “single mother asking for advice: when to introduce him to my children?” discussion

“No. Usually I am thinking In God's name, why is that kid shrieking like that?! Doesn't his mother hear him? Maybe it gets to the point where the kid's own mother can't even hear him anymore, but ... ” –  Faraday

Join the “Saw You Look” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 9:12am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0