What to say about not dating


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aylia is offline aylia Post #1  July 21,2011, 8:22am
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I'm trying to figure out the right response to people who question me about dating. It keeps coming up, as I suppose I can expect and it's with good intentions I'm sure. Or it's at least because I have people who are interested in how or what I'm doing.

I pushed myself to go out a bit early in the year and I actually made a new year's resolution to see more people this year than last year. (...like 3) I feels wrong when I'm just not that into it. I don't want to be dishonest and that's how I feel when I talk to someone who is actively looking for a relationship. I suppose on some level I am too, deep, deep down, but I don't want to waste anyone's time or hurt anyone (unnecessarily) in the process.

It doesn't seem to matter how I answer when I'm questioned about it. People want to push me to try. Maybe I need to just have a more 'I'm not willing to discuss it' attitude. That's just not really my style. I am willing to discuss it. I'm just don't want to be judged is the thing I guess.

As for what exactly to say... Currently, the best that I have come up with is: "I just can't see how it will make my life better." And I have to say that it isn't coming from a place of negativity. I really do have a lot of wonderful things and wonderful people in my life.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #2  July 21,2011, 8:27am
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Well, if they're asking you why you are not "out there dating" just say you don't want to, right now..
No further explanantion is needed! and if they continue to interogate, ask them why it's so important for them to know..put it back on them...that's what I'd do.
The old standby response, "why?? writin' a book?" comes quickly to mind.
 
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boschimsp is online now boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  July 21,2011, 8:32am
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I actually think that by thinking this is just about your answer, you are slightly missing the point. From reading your past threads it seems to me that you are in a place where you feel insecure about your dating life and that this is what you really need to work on. When you feel okay about where you are at, the answer doesn't matter so much.

In the meantime, I think your goal should be to say something that answers the question, but doesn't necessarily encourage debate. By saying "I don't want to talk about it" it's actually having the opposite affect you want because nosy people will push on to figure out why. And when you say "I just can't see how it will make my life better." they're going to want to give you an earful about how it can.
 
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Diana_P is offline Diana_P Post #4  July 21,2011, 8:53am
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I date when I have time. I’m keeping my options open and I’m just not interested in focusing on a relationship right now.

I’m concentrating on my career (short and to the point).

I’m still trying to figure out who I am right now and it wouldn’t be fair to take someone on that journey with me.

There is too much of life I want to experience and I am no where near ready to settle down. If I meet or stumble into somebody then that’s great, but I’m just not interested in actively looking right now.

……and the list goes on.
 
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HelenDanger is offline HelenDanger Post #5  July 21,2011, 9:37am
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I have a term I believe I made up myself. And I am incredibly proud of it and should probably patent it.

Guyatus. Baadaaapuhdaaaaah!!

Rhymes with hiatus. "Oh I'm on guyatus right now." Then give a meaningfully world weary look. Everyone will know what you mean. For anyone who doesn't quite get it say, "I'm just taking a breather from the men merry go round for the moment. You know?"
 
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aylia is offline aylia Post #6  July 21,2011, 9:41am
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boschimsp wrote :
I actually think that by thinking this is just about your answer, you are slightly missing the point. From reading your past threads it seems to me that you are in a place where you feel insecure about your dating life and that this is what you really need to work on. When you feel okay about where you are at, the answer doesn't matter so much.

In the meantime, I think your goal should be to say something that answers the question, but doesn't necessarily encourage debate. By saying "I don't want to talk about it" it's actually having the opposite affect you want because nosy people will push on to figure out why. And when you say "I just can't see how it will make my life better." they're going to want to give you an earful about how it can.
Insecure about my dating life? I'm not sure I understand why you say that. I have felt unsure about what to do at times. I've pushed myself to go out on dates and dated a couple of people for a time. I've been unsure about what's the right thing to do because I've pushed myself to act differently than I really feel because I thought that it might help me. I can't say I feel that it did, but it didn't make things worse either. I've had counselling and gave it a lot of thought and for now I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing.

I don't think I've ever actually said that I don't want to talk about it. I really dislike it when people do the "I'm fine- but really I'm not fine and I want you to make me feel better" thing.

I'm not totally against someone trying to convince me that being with someone will make my life better. It would be different and there would be good things, but I'm not convinced it's better.

I guess my answer just needs to change depending on who's asking. I can't brush off my mom with any old comment. I just used the "won't make my life better" phrase on her yesterday and she didn't argue it. I know others would.

I need to work up more phrases for more situations I guess.
 
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boschimsp is online now boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  July 21,2011, 10:00am
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Aylia, point taken. Insecure was probably the wrong word. Maybe unsure is better. I just seem to remember reading a lot of your previous posts where you were unsure of whether you should be dating at all and questioning the amount of time that you want to spend with a match in general. It seemed like you were coming from a place of being unsure about what you really wanted in dating and reconciling your desire to have someone in the future with the fact that you're content with your life right now. Perhaps you've reached a place where you are certain of what you want and this is no longer something on your mind.

If so, I see nothing wrong with being honest, though if you don't want to invite future conversation I would probably frame it up in the positive instead of the negative.

"I just can't see how it will make my life better." can sound a little negative vs. something like "I really like my life as it is right now and am so busy that a relationship isn't a priority." It focuses not on what you perceive a relationship won't give you and instead on how good your life already is.
 
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aylia is offline aylia Post #8  July 21,2011, 10:31am
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Guyatus ...lol

"I really like my life as it is right now and am so busy that a relationship isn't a priority." - I think that is better.
 
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Ingytravel is online now Ingytravel Post #9  July 21,2011, 10:47am
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To me...it's a simple..."I'm taking a break from dating right now, thanks for asking" "How is your family/job/life right now?"...

And say it with assuredness and a calm and kind manner. Most everyone will just let it go and be happy to answer your question..

As mentioned...if you seem defensive, or upset about it...then people will want to go further...

To me...your above statement seems like you are trying too hard to convince someone that your life is great...and dating isn't a priority...that you are too 'busy' to date....This will open you up to people saying things like.."No one should be too busy to find love."..or..."Isn't love a priority in your life?...Your job won't keep you warm at night".,....blah blah blah....LOL...

I just go for the simple and kind answer and then move on...
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #10  July 21,2011, 10:49am
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I get that question a lot in the reverse - where people (like my dates) ask why I have been single for a long time. I could make something up like how I was "working on my career..." or something like that, which I know isn't true, so I am not comfortable lying about that. Even if it is just a white lie.

But, I will say that I was "concentrating on things other than dating" and taking time to figure out what I really wanted.

Since I have figured out my answer to that question, I have been asked it much less. Sometimes just figuring out the answers for yourself gives you the peace of mind to not worry about it, and then when you're not putting out that vibe, others can't pick up on it. (Or something like that...)

I could just tell everyone that I was on a "guyatus", but then I'd have to mail a royalty check to Helen Danger, and they keep raising the price of postage stamps...
 
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